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After his 8 month affair and many ups and downs after it was exposed, FWS and I are in a slow recovery. We're in IC, going to go to MC soon. He seems to be trying. And I am too.
But I had a bit of a setback last night ...
We were watching the Travel Channel, an episode of Behind the Scenes at Disneyworld. All of our family and extended family go to DW about every other year for our "big" vacation. We have done this since the kids were babies. Heck. FWS and I used to go when we were without kids. We strolled through EPCOT hand in hand, stopped for a glass of wine in France. We had so much fun. And when the kids came, we pushed them through the parks in strollers, took them on all the rides, watched the fireworks ... you get the picture.
Well, here's my problem: when FWS decided to leave me, he took off for a month down to FL. No, he wasn't alone. And yes, they went to the parks.
In late September, we are ALL going. FWS, me, kids, extended family. I really thought I could handle this. But just watching the show last night set off sooooo many triggers. All I could think was, did they do this together? Did they go on that together? Did they stroll hand in hand through the parks like WE used to do? Did they really have fun? How could they? They had been caught. Nailed. Both of their families KNEW about their A. And FWS? How could he have gone down there and not have thought about me, us? There is a memory in every nook and cranny in those parks for us, from the time the kids were babies and all the way through. I'm SO MAD!!! Disneyworld was a safe place for me, a place where you could forget about all your troubles. Now, it's an evil trigger. And I'm so afraid to go, I'm thinking of just staying home.
PLEASE, anyone with advice on how to handle this one?
Last edited by rltraveled; 09/12/06 11:03 AM.
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How 'bout looking at it as you won?
You've retaken your "territory".
A symbol that things are heading back to the way there're supposed to be.
JMHO
WAT
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OK – So maybe he went to the parks with OW. Rather than focus on that then focus on this: Why did he go there with OW? Could it be that he went there because he had memories of good times? Times that he thought he could relive with OW?
At the end of the day he is back with you. If he wants to go back to the parks with you and the family then just MAYBE it’s to relive what he was missing when he didn’t have you.
It’s sort of reversing the issue: Rather than connecting the parks to WH being there with OW and going back to remember HER then think he is going back to experience happier times with YOU. By all means go and appreciate that with him.
Reconciliation is really hard work!
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Hi RLT,
There are so many betrayals during an A. Many of the things you held sacred were sacrificed. Much like you will have to reclaim his body (so to speak) you will have to reclaim DW. Many BS's have so much trouble with SF after the A, but they actively DESCIDE to forge ahead, work through the pain and stress, and it eventually gets better.
DW may take longer as you probably dont go that often. You may need to go a few times before you start to feel it's your's again (like SF), but if you want, I bet you can get to that point.
Any chance you two can sneak a little trip out there before the big family trip? A little private healing? Just a thought. Best of luck to you - Dru
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Dru, we are actually going to New York for a few days by ourselves, before DW. Do you think that will help?
Since you mentioned it, the sex thing has been difficult, too. Every time we go there, I get these horrible images in my head and I don't know how to chase them away. You're right. Virtually everything I held sacred has been compromised.
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is there something he can do for you to help? something very specific?
obviously it cannot be to change the past. i'm sorry he cannot do that. i am sorry i cannot do that.
but what can he do for you? try to come up with something.
maybe have a secret word/phrase between the two of you and when you start to get anxious, you can say that word/phrase and then he would know and he could do whatever might help you. sqeeze your hand, kiss your cheek, go back to the room for a nap. think of something that would help and then ask for his help.
does he know you are feeling anxious?
be sure to let him know, you are not trying to beat him up, you are only asking for his help and support.
tell him how getting that help from him would benefit you in the present.
i love DW too. I hope you can re-claim it. can you go there instead of NY?
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FL, thanks for the suggestions.
Yes, he does know that I'm anxious. He tries to be comforting, but somewhere deep down, I think he thinks I'm trying to beat him up. I'm not. I'm just really hurting over it.
btw, we are going to both NY and DW, going to NY first by ourselves, and then DW with the family about a month later.
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Dru, we are actually going to New York for a few days by ourselves, before DW. Do you think that will help?
Since you mentioned it, the sex thing has been difficult, too. Every time we go there, I get these horrible images in my head and I don't know how to chase them away. You're right. Virtually everything I held sacred has been compromised. I am sorry. I do think that NY trip might help, if you two do lots of lovey-dovey sweet things together. Part of the reclaiming process... I went through two stages: Stage 1: The BS needs to get their head around it, usually by asking lots of questions then rehashing everything in their minds about a thousand times. Stage 2: Then, you have to MAKE yourself STOP rehashing everything. You're probably not 'done' with your thoughts yet, but you can try to put them on hold at times. I had to do that a lot, too. Taking a shower was horrible for me. My mind would start wondering into the bad areas, things I'd thought about 1000 times before... I started yelling STOP in my head. "STOP! You've thought this ALL before... there is NOTHING new here. STOP! STOP! STOP! Nothing new here, STOP! Nothing new here, STOP!..." You might try the STOP technique during SF... just a thought. Recovery is so hard. Harder than D, so you know. Please take care - Dru
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Dru ... yeah, divorce would be easier. But I'm sticking it out, thus, my name ... Road Less Traveled.
My favorite self help book, the first sentence ...
Life is difficult.
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Hi. I am sorry you are going through this.
My situation is very similar. My FWH took OW on about six different countries around the world.
Now we are going to Israel, stay in a hotel where probably they stayed together.
I've been looking for things to help me with having a good time and reclaiming my place when we get there and not just think about A and spoil vacation.
One thing is that we need new memories to put in the place of the A memories. So tell yourself that you are reclaiming your place, you've won, and build new memories again so you can have them in the years to come.
Good luck...
BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
Divorcing
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Dru ... yeah, divorce would be easier. But I'm sticking it out, thus, my name ... Road Less Traveled.
My favorite self help book, the first sentence ...
Life is difficult. Just remind yourself that this IS your choice to stay and recovery. Keep the goal in mind. I like RLT, how about some Covey (7 Habits of Highly Effective People)? It's meant for business, but I found it pretty useful in recovery. * Be Proactive. Here, Covey recommends an attitude of initiative-taking and compares this to the less effective, but more common "reactive" stance.
* Begin with the End in Mind. This chapter is about setting long-term goals based on "true-north principles". Covey recommends to formulate a "personal mission statement" to document one's perception of one's own purpose in life. He sees visualization as an important tool to develop this. He also deals with organizational mission statements, which he claims to be more effective if developed and supported by all members of an organization, rather than being prescribed.
* Put First Things First. Here, Covey describes a framework for prioritizing work that is aimed at long-term goals, at the expense of tasks that appear to be urgent, but are in fact less important. Delegation is presented as an important part of time management. Successful delegation, according to Covey, focuses on results and benchmarks that are to be agreed in advance, rather than on prescribing detailed work plans.
* Think Win/Win describes an attitude whereby mutually beneficial solutions are sought, that satisfy the needs of oneself as well as others, or, in the case of a conflict, both parties involved.
* Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood. Covey warns that giving out advice before having empathetically understood a person and their situation will likely result in that advice being rejected. Thoroughly listening to another person's concerns instead of reading out your own autobiography is purported to increase the chance of establishing a working communication.
* Synergize describes a way of working in teams. It is purported that, when this is pursued as a habit, the result of the teamwork will exceed the sum of what each of the members could have achieved on their own. “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.”
* Sharpen the saw focuses on balanced self-renewal. Regaining what Covey calls "productive capacity" by engaging in carefully selected recreational activities. I found myself, my life stalled after dday. 7-Habits helped me get in gear again. Not perfect, not fantastic, but it did kick-start my brain - Dru
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One word led to another. I said I was better than anything he could have picked up over the internet and I knew it. I said I could have anybody I wanted, if I wanted, but that I would never cross that line.
He took this as a threat.
He said I "attacked" him. Attacked?
It was just a little too much honesty in my drunkenness.
Turned into a BIG fight. He kept saying, "either you forgive me, or you don't." As though I can just let it fly out the window only 3 mos after D Day. I said, forgiveness is a process, that I'm trying to work through it, but that I need him to help me through it. I said, what am I made of, Steel? I said he has to earn forgiveness, the genuine kind, not the cheap kind. And to earn it, he has to be fully accountable. Sometimes he is; sometimes he isn't. I suspect the times he isn't is when his guilty is so powerfully overwhelming that he just CAN'T, because it makes him see what horrible, horrible things he did to me and our kids.
He told me to apologize and come to bed. Apologize? For attacking him? I don't get it. But I'm so needy, so weak right now that I let him win. I let him take control. I apologized. Then he basically rolled over and went to sleep.
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Dru ... yeah, divorce would be easier. But I'm sticking it out, thus, my name ... Road Less Traveled.
My favorite self help book, the first sentence ...
Life is difficult. such a GREAT book ! Monterey California ... WH took OW to a cute motel for their first "boink* ~~~> it took place at the Otter Inn ... I found the credit card receipt about 3 months later ... I went to Monterey to visit a close friend and to get away ... left H with the kids for a weekend.... and as I was sitting out on her deck looking at the ocean ... what do I see 1 block away? yep Otter Inn *steam* ... but guess what? it's been 10 years now ... and nothing like that bothers me ... at all it's dead and buried in fact if I wanted to, I could stay at that hotel & be alright ..... and I think you ought to go to Disneyworld and just mow down the fear ... get in your mental combat gear and ride your armed hummer over all the OW cooties ... OWN that place, don't just hand it over to their memories... re-claim it it is tough to do ... but once you do it you will feel empowered ! Pep
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PS
lay off all alcohol for 6 months
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get in your mental combat gear and ride your armed hummer over all the OW cooties ... OWN that place, don't just hand it over to their memories... re-claim it This will require some careful thought. I think I have done this a little in some ways, need to do it alot more in other ways, and in a few ways it doesn't matter at all. (Thought-provoking, not thought provoking.) I will not attempt to reclaim her house, lol. I don't really care, besides not liking to drive past it, about the hotel they screwed in once. (The rest of the time was at her house.) There are other places, though. Hmmm. Wow.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Oh, and in the middle of our fight last night, he said that I "didn't know the whole story." Of course, that's eating at me now. Do I dare ask for more info? Or just leave it alone?
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If YOU need to know, then ask him what he meant. I asked lots of questions. I needed to know a lot. Some do not ask as many questions. If it is eating at you, ask.
My FWS's A was with his old GF. She lives in the same town as his family and it is a town we have to go thru often to see our son. The thought of going to that town was awful. I made a decision that everytime we went to that town, I would be dressed to kill. I did my very best to make lots of good new memories in that town with him.
You can reclaim DW as your place- make new memories, better memories.
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Hi all, hanging as best I can.
H and I have been in IC for a couple months now. We each have our own counselor, both in the same practice, so they have the same Christian approach. I feel ready for MC now, but neither of our IC's think we are ready. I went ahead an made an appt. anyway. Should I have done this? I'm just anxious about the whole thing. Thanks.
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A month since H has been home. Things are going well and I know I should be thankful. And I am ...
But I keep getting these bouts of depression. I cry at small things, can't seem to keep my mind off of his A. I'm in IC, but the aftermath of this whole episode seems to be taking its toll now. H is sometimes a little frustrated, thinks, he's back now, I should be happy. But this is so much harder than he thinks. If I talk about my pain, he thinks I'm trying to drag us backward, and he says we need to move FORWARD. How do I get over this?
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If I talk about my pain, he thinks I'm trying to drag us backward, and he says we need to move FORWARD. How do I get over this? You talk about your pain that is how you move forward. IMHO part of the process is expressing all of the pain this has caused you. This will help you feel secure in knowing that H has to make a very specific choice if he ever thinks about an A again. The choice is to put you through all of the pain you are going through now. If he doesn't know what you are going through then he doesn't know the choice he is making. Not only that but harley talks about compensating the BS. How does he compensate you for something he doesn't know about. For me compensation for the pain is knowing my pain and empathizing with me. I feel this pain directly because of your actions. I told my FWW that the A was a burden for her. She had no right to relieve herself of her burden and place it on me unless she was going to help me. She needed to be willing to take some of the burden back I was not and am not strong enough to carry it myself and stay with her. IF I have to carry it alone that is what I will do but I can't see staying with her if I have to do that. An M is sharing the burden this has created. I have every right to ask you to take some of it off of me. Telling you my pain is helping me relieve that burden.
BS 38
FWW 35
D Day 10/03
Recovery started 11/06
3 boys 12, 8 and a new baby
When life hands you lemons make lemonade then try to find the person life hands vodka and have a party.
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