What about this argument:

Behavoir stems from beliefs/value.

Change the belief/value...the behavior will follow.

From my outside perspective, it seems BSs are afraid to transition from Plan A to Plan B, because of a belief. They BELIEVE they cant survive w/out WS, they will lose control of the situation, they are unworthy, etc.


And what about a belief that does not seem to be in-line with the behavior (and therefore not to motivate the behavior) You ask?

Take Drucilla's fast food example. She may believe she will lose weight by not eating the 6" hamburger. But I would argue that another BELIEF is motivating her actions. (I feel upset/bored, etc. and need a treat. If I eat that burger, I believe I will feel better.)

The trick is to identify the belief triggering the behavior. IMHO.

(AN ASIDE: The above is a simplified response. There has apparently been recent studies linking genes to certain behavior...but not the kind we are talking about here).

Certainly a lot of behaviors are caused by dropping your genes... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> as evidenced by the existance of this website... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

SD

Well, in my situation my H totally changed his beliefs and values to justify his affairs. He has slowly been coming back around to his old values in the past several months. I know he longs for a deeper relationship with God.
He still has trouble with aligning his actions with his beliefs. Slowly that is coming around too.

In my case, I made a huge life change AFTER my A. I did not like who I was. I had "values" but no true moral compass.

Added thought my behaviors changed along with my new belief system.

Which belief/values system? The conscious, intellectual one, or the unconscious set of beliefs and values that got impressed on us by our family of origin?

All of us are primed to react instinctively according to a pattern of beliefs we may know we have at all. Unless we catch ourselves in the act of behaving in a way that's contrary to the values we THINK we have, we may never become aware of all those hidden beliefs.

As an example: a man who believes strongly in a woman's right to a career, and a husband's responsibility to support her in that, may find that when he's coming home to a house in disarray and a wife still in her business suit throwing food into a microwave, that he is unaccountably irritable. The intellectual values he consciously holds are at odds with the unconscious expectation from his FOO that a man is entitled to be nurtured by a woman, and that the nurturing should be of a specific type, and that a man who is denied that nurturing must be a poor husband - which he knows he is not. He feels indignant because of a bunch of unknown beliefs...but because he consciously believes something else, he blames his bad feeling on other people or events.

Eventually, he may build up such a weight of resentment and entitlement - while still consciously convinced he's the epitome of a fair-minded modern man - that he feels justified in getting some nurture from outside sources.

If that happens, his behaviour follows his unconscious values system, while being inconsistent with his conscious one. The only way he can square this with himself is to change the conscious values system to accommodate the anomaly.

So, to get back to the original question, I think it is much easier for many of us to alter our surface, intellectual values systems, than to alter behaviour that is driven by deep-seated unconscious feelings. It's only if we are prepared to look deeply into our own feelings that we ever unearth those unconscious drives. It's only if we reprogram those drives that our behaviour changes.


TA

#1 this is a really funny typo

#2 this is a very clever intentional play on words

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

One question to clarify...

To change your behaviour, does this mean a conscious change of doing something different... maybe once or a few times... but not enough for the change of behaviour to settle as a habit? Ie... if you stopped consciously changing this behaviour, you will return to your old behaviour. Or does a behaviour change mean that you have completely changed to form new habits?



This was an unconscious belief I held. I think it became a belief following an EA my W had 5 years prior to the PA. It was because of this unconscious belief that my behaviour changed during those 5 years. I felt I was treating my W like a queen, but in reality, because of this belief/fear, I was smothering my W. I was needy and afraid and showed it by doting 24/7. (We have 2 dogs... one was a stray that is really needy... always at our feet or watching us, just wanting to be loved. The other we had since a pup... she is more secure and is comfortable to go lie down or be on her own. Guess which dog is far more annoying!!! I was acting like that stray dog.)

This fear became a conscious belief following the PA... I even told the MC that I could never find another woman like my W.

When I realized the fear I had... I started to consciously force a change in my behaviour. I took a trip with the kids without her. I spent more time on my own. I was used to travelling for work, but it was a different feel... it wasn't my "choice" to be separate from her. And yes, I started looking at dating websites... I never emailed anyone... but I was discovering that there were a lot of desirable, eligible women out there looking.

Throughout this time, I was still afraid. My belief was still pulling me back to thinking that I couldn't live without my W. But eventually, through forced behaviours, this belief lost it's hold.

I know the fear left about 2 months ago when I told my W that I was going to leave. After a day or two, we talked calmly, holding each other, and discussing my plans to leave. We were both ok with that decision, but my W said not to leave yet, it was too soon. I stayed and our recovery has been moving along in leaps and bounds.

Since that time, my belief has changed, and now my behaviours have changed without conscious thought. Prior to that moment, I told myself every day that I would survive on my own... but it was still something I had to convince myself of... it was not a true belief. Since that day, some new habits of response have formed and they are no longer forced. My behaviours have changed.

So in answer to your question... I believe that we consciously change behaviours first, until our beliefs change... at which point, our change of behaviours can become permanent. The behaviour change, however, will not be permanent until the beliefs have changed. The beliefs must change or the behaviours fall back to old actions.

Shaden

Shaden gets an A+