Jilly

Only 10 percent of affairs end up with the infidels remaining togther, only 4% result in re-marriage. Of these more than sixty percent end in divorce. The odds for what you are enduring, sadly, are very high indeed.

This is because the habits and behaviours that led to the first marriage dissolving ( be it poor spousehood, or infidelity etc) are usually not addressed before being reinstalled in a second marriage.

Its not a victorious maxim of BS "if {s)he'll cheat WITH you, (s)he'll cheat ON you", its a fact borne out in thousands of studies.

You both dealt with perceived shortcomings in your previous marriages by betraying your ex spouses. Your desire to cheat was stronger than your conscience to protect your ex spouses from hurt. Thats a fact.

Apart from your marriage what has heppened to address that behaviour in both of you since the last time ? If only your marriage, why would THIS set of vows mean more than the last ones ? Did you marry expecting to cheat and divorce first time around ? Did your H ?

I believe that affair marriages are unrepented affairs. Repented affairs can make spouses commitment to marriage stronger, but unrepented affairs, lead to a greater than 60% divorce rate.

I am not trying to be hurtful jilly, I think its important for you to have realistic expectations. Cheating is the way your H deals with marital dissatisfaction. History shows this.

For you to recover from this I think you need to first achieve the end of his affair with NC then you need to both address your instinct to cheat with a professional counsellor. And judging by the rationalisation in your story, you need to face the facts of your history too. Your cheating was in no way justified by anything your ex H did.

SOME action may have been justified in response to the circumstances of your previous marriage but cheating is NEVER justifiable. Any justification YOU give now, MUST be accepted by you when your H spouts the same stuff about his current affair, right ?

You have a lot of work ahead jilly. I wish you well.

Jilly, I am sorry to hear of your sitch. But I do agree with both Noodle and with Bob.

I have no advise for you. This is just an observation. Well actually, JustPeachy's XH is the prime example of what an unrepentant Adulterer does in an Adultery Marriage. I would suggest that you look at her story.

While I try to empathize with your pain, it is more for your children than for you. What I mean is, You are an adult. You commited Adultery. You were both married when you broke your vows to your spouses. YOu BETRAYED your own values not just once. But every time you SAW each other. You wilfully destroyed TWO marriages. You NEVER pulled back from the brink.

So, Jilly, what can you possibly expect? As Bob says "what you do WITH each other, you will do TO each other."

Please don't misunderstand, I take absolutely no delight in this. Because NOW there are 3 marriages destroyed because of Adultery. And MORE children affected by poor personal boundaries and life choices.

Can you recover? Perhaps.

But I would like to believe that this is God's way of SHOWING you what your own actions DID to your former spouses. Call it Karma. whatever.

And one last thought. THis is a Marriage Building board. Where the "enemy" is the OP. SO imho, it is a personal affront and a betrayal of all the betrayed spouses who are legitmately married, to support you in your efforts. Because to me it would mean that ANY WS who married their Adultery partner, would eventually be legitamized.

And that I will never believe. YOur 'marriage" is not a true marriage at all. NOTHING built on lies and betrayal is good. The foundation is built on the murdered remains of your own former marriages.

I know one very positive thing you can do, teach your children that "Adultery" is wrong. I have no doubt you feel this quite strongly NOW, being on the other end of it and experienncing the pain you and your WH (x2+) placed on your ex-spouses.

Hopefully, once your children enter adulthood, they'll respect marriage and this cycle of Infidelity will end with them.

And those of us who are divorced because of it as well.

I am sorry...the posters are right Jilly.

Your marriage never began really...for there were unresolved issues...and hearts and families lying broken strewn about. A battlefield with casualties.

My xh has had two separations (that I formally know of) in his TWO YEARS OF MARRIAGE to the wistress (wife plus mistress..a phrase I coined here) She also told me last summer of two more affairs. So there's been three affairs that are documented by him during this two and a half years of marriage. Never a solid year of fidelity. Sick stuff huh?

And you wonder why your H is cheating? What makes YOU more valuable than his xw? Nothing. What makes YOUR M special? Nothing. His prior M was a M after all. Your prior M was a M after all.

I see a man who is a serial cheater, broke apart his family, hurt his children, who has also serious emotional and mental problems continuing down the same path unabated.

I see a woman who cheated, broke apart her family, hurt children, and who has a serious case here of revisionist history and basically rewrote history here...all the while LEAVING OUT THE IMPORTANT STUFF.

You don't know where you belong. ARe you the OW? Are you the W? You don't know. But you are a BS now. In a M that didn't have a real or definite beginning b/c so many things were left undone. Unfinished.

It took almost a year AFTER MY DIVORCE to iron out the finances because ALL WAS LEFT HANGING due to the instant add water affair marriage. That's what I call them. Affair marriages.

And just like you, his wistress has deluded herself into forsaking everything else as she "has to make this work" because she has a baby with him now. Hmmmm. Wierd. It matters not to her that he has abused her. It matters not that last summer she had an abnormal pap smear. HPV I think? What matters is she keeps alive the FANTASY. Yea, she's living a fantasy. Living in a house, a mansion if you will...with a pretend H, a pretend F. Pretending day after day that if she diets enough, gets enough hair extensions, bleaching to get her freckles removed, teeth bleached blindingly white enough, or enough plastic surgery to remove every single ounce of fat on her emaciated body that he will love her...that he will change.

THEY WILL NOT CHANGE. NOT IN AN AFFAIR MARRIAGE. THERE IS LITTLE MOTIVATION TO DO SO.

Now had you to sought forgiveness? Truly repented? Maybe he might be a tad different. But hey, it was YOU TWO AGAINST THE WORLD...ISN'T THAT HOW IT GOES?

We'll beat the odds. WE ARE DIFFERENT. OUR LOVE IS SPECIAL, IT'S DIFFERENT. The marriage is old, dead. This is new and exciting.

Ever read about Dobson and how he says reality sets in to the affair relationship if it is allowed to move on. Fantasy bleeds into daily life. Not much fantasy anymore when you're doing laundry. When you're paying the bills. When YOU'RE WRITING CHILD SUPPORT CHECKS...AND ALIMONY CHECKS...money is TIGHTER. No "together" time as much b/c there are child schedules and visitations to be kept and calenders to be adhered to. Everything is SCHEDULED. (this is my reality). No exotic trips b/c you have to be back to return your kids or pick up his kids. It's chaotic.

And when he's late for work at night? Could he be? No. YOU WERE DIFFERENT. But deep down do you or did you ever trust him at all? Does he really trust you at all deep down? It COULD happen right? But no. Not since WE HAVE THE FANTASY LIFE.

That's why my xh's wistress believed. She was classic, textbook. Just like how Dobson said it would go. And I can add into the chaotic mix a screaming baby...although the little girl is sweet...I love kids.

It's a recipe for disaster. And the statistics Bob handed out are right. Absolutely.

At least here, please do not put into any more posts the revisionist stuff....the how "the xbw admires OUR marriage" crap. It's bull. [censored] and bull girl. You know the truth.

How could a BW admire a crumbling marriage?

Answer? She doesn't. It's your altered reality...Your head stuck in a fantasyworld THAT NO LONGER EXISTS.

You have a serial cheater you are legally married to. He is destroying more families and children now. And he doesn't see he's doing anything wrong...why? You two NEVER REPENTED OR SAW THE PAIN AND DESTRUCTION EVER.

get it now?

I am not trying to be harsh. I am telling you what I have lived...what I have read...what I have WITNESSED FIRST HAND THE LAST THREE YEARS OF MY LIFE. It is all true. Sad and true.

But I wouldn't want the infidel back ever again. He is not good for any woman. Wife or mistress.

Jilly,

Can I again encourage you to look at what Cymanca said to you. Your priority right now is your precious babies.

Who was it that said when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy?

Jilly - Noodle and Bob and FAA and Just Peachy have it spot on here.

Bigkahuna,

If you or anyone else following this or my other thread see this you will see that I have deleted all my posts. I thank all of you who took the time to read and respond to me. In an effort to no longer rewrite any past history I think it is best for me to just stop posting altogether.I mean no disrespect to anyone by this. It is out of respect for all that you have been through that I feel that anything I say cannot be seen in any way as truth. It doesn't matter what I think anymore.

I will make one other post on another thread and then that will be it.

I do not think this site is for anyone in my situation. It is only meant for those whose marriages are "legit" and deserving of support or those marriages that ended as a result of adultery and need support. I don't fit in anywhere so I think it is best that I stop posting. I am very weak and vulnerable right now. I am not saying I don't deserve to hurt. I get the whole karma thing.

I am sorry for all the pain that all of you have been through. I am sorry for once being a OW. I will never be that again so I guess that for anyone who wonders if a WW can ever change the answer is yes..she can change herself but no one else. She can make amends to those she has hurt and ask God to forgive her as well. She can live with the guilt for the rest of her life and can maybe one day forgive herself.

She can do right by her children and focus what little she has right now on doing everything she can to make sure they are okay. She can love them inspite of her brokeness and she can seek professional help to deal with any and all issues that led her to become what she has.

She can forgive her husband whether he is deserving or not. She can love him and pray for him and provide support for him to recover. She can ask God to help him to too.

I wish you all peace, hope, and recovery.
Jilly

Jilly,

I had to respond back to you. I am not unfeeling about what you're going thru. I know for me it was the worse experience of my life and I barely made it through it.

In theory, you could be the OW in my sitch, so it felt wrong to me to try and support you.

I just wanted you to know that there is empathy there, but its a conflicting empathy where I haven't yet rose above my own hurt.

God Bless,
Jo

I am really sorry for the situation you find yourself in.

Good luck.