Exactly-often people do not have the foresight to seek info prior to needing it . That is just how most people are...



BUt none of them DID, and perhaps that is why the idea of someone learning for their mistakes is so hard to swallow.

This is exactly where your theory breaks down. There is always more than one person available to fill your needs. This is the foundation of repeated cheating.


I disagree. I think that most cheaters cheat more than once and I think it's in order to have needs met...

Can you provide any data to support your statement that cheating is mostly a "one time" thing?


Also, everything that I have read, including info from Harley, talks about the importance of having needs met-Heck it's the very foundation of this site and the concepts here. This is why I have concluded that cheating once or cheating many times is all about some percieved need.

ummmmmm no, most are not serial cheaters. Most of the people you see here are ONE TIME CHEATERS, and you have no data to dispute it. Serial cheaters are not that common. Your garden variety cheater cheats as an aberration of character not a way of life.

Cheating is almost OFTEN, not always about fullfilling some percieved need, just as Harley counsels. This is HOW a person becomes addicted.

Why not try reading up about affairs? Do you have any of the Harley books about adultery?

Oh CS, you miss the point. Your posts makes one question your reasons for posting. Too bad you didn't read the rest of my post. I was trying to share some info with you but that is your right to read or not to read. You do run with the same principles you expect out of others as yourself right?

Btw, before you go jumping to conclusions again, the reason why I asked about the reaserch material was because that is exactly what has happened in the past. Even if the intentions were well meant, the method could have been hurful to many who post here. Now if you have some empathy, I think you might see this was not being disrespectful to you.

You know what is sad? I did read your disclaimer but I thought you were finally gaining some empathy. So I thought I'd share some points that could have been helpful Guess not. Ok, your choice.


L.

I don't need data to support something that I think . This is why I said that I THINK most cheaters have done [color:"blue"] the do [/color] more than once.

You stated something to the contrary as if it were fact, yet you have nothing to support it.

Facts must be supported with data. Opinions and thoughts don't have to be.

Why not try differentiating your thoughts from fact?

I am not after empathy. I am in search of info to help me on my quest to be proactive about marriage.


No, ignorance and paranoia are responsible for that.

Hm.... very telling.

But that's your right. I certainly hope you do find a way to be proactive in your M.

L.

This is an appeal to all posters on this thread.

In the many years I've been on this board, there have been several crises where posters have used the board for personal reasons unrelated to marriage building.

In one case, (the 'Dustkitty' incident referred to by BobPure), a collection of students caused huge upset (and the loss of many long-term posters), by engaging in apparently serious 'discussions' over a period, then revealing their ruse and enjoying a malicious laugh at the expense of the hurting people on this board. It was not a positive experience.

The noteable aspect of that case was the lack of any personal history - 'Dustkitty' seemed to be only interested in the facts of other people's lives.

I am very unclear as to CinnamonSugar's intentions on this thread and several others.

There is no justification for any poster to tell others not to post.

TA

I already am being proactive about marriage. Knowledge is power.

I hope you can find a way to be free.

An appeal to what?







Now, THAT is disgusting...





Where are we going with this?



Interesting...since I have repeatedly addressed this EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T HAVE TO.



What are YOU talking about here?


What are YOUR intentions?

The list of things "women should do for their husbands" has been around forever and has been proved to be not real. It's always quoted as being from a different magazine, handbook etc.

And to "think" something based on anecdote and emipirical knowledge is nothing short of silliness. Most people form an opinion after studying the facts. I have based my opinion that most cheaters only cheat once on my own personal experience (I am a cheater and have only cheated once) and reading and contributing to a great many posts on this board over nearly 3 years.

The misconceptions "out there" abound about infidelity, based mostly on movies and books I should imagine.

And I also don't understand why the security of a DV board should be so important to you when you don't respect that we have the same issues of security, safety and distress of the forum posters.

Maybe BUT remember the Love Bank - it depends on whether or not there is still a love bank balance related to the Affair Partner. If the affair has run it's course and the love bank is truely depleted you may be right.

My wife split with her AP while "in love" ie the affair hadn't run it's course so she remains vulnerable to him. This is straight "His Needs, Her Needs" 101.

Mind you, the AP has done his best to LB the he11 out of her so it's all good.

Can you provide 1 shred of evidence to support this contention?

CS,
I really wish some of the folks around here would grow-up and try to deal with you in an adult manner. And frankly, I think posting your private email traffic under the guise of "someone help her" was more of a "we are pissed at her and she will pay for it" move. Childish and low.

Of course... you will notice that the same folks keep blasting you... they have an opinion and because they are MB veterans, you must listen. You have an opinion, and you are either attacking or must prove it.

And it certainly seems silly that people will use the dustkitty defense. So what if you have not told us your entire story. I checked the TOS. You are not required to. However... the TOS does say something about being offensive in your posts to someone and posting private info... hmmm.

Anyway... Now that I am a target, I certainly hope some of these folks that might think I am talking about them will consider their response before they just react. But if not, then not.

stupid, really...all of this.

Actually, it's human nature.

It's also a survival mechanism. Think back to a time before scientific data was available. When human beings did not have grocery stores, air conditioned malls, and amazon.com...

Empirical knowledge is the result of direct observation. In contrast to what you have said, forming an opinion based upon what you directly observe is perfectly reasonable-not silly in the least.

Today, we can see several demonstrations of this dynamic in everyday life and on this very forum. People can be seen giving advice, making decisions, and declaring "truths" by thinking & talking about what happened in their situation or what they have directly observed.

When you ask someone for advice, they don't reply with "The data says...." they draw inferences about the best way to proceed based on their own knowledge and experience-what they have observed in the past-which often does not measure up to the scientific definition of "fact."




That depends upon the agreed upon definition of "fact." For most people their empirical knowledge and personal experience is "fact." I'll go you two better and say that most people do not truly "think" before forming an opinion, and most people do not "think" before they act.



BAM! You just proved my point. YOU formed YOUR opinion based on what you defined as "nothing short of silliness"- your own personal experience. Reading and contributing to the posts on this forum fall into the category of "nothing short of silliness" because this activity falls into the category of your own personal experience and what you have observed as well. Here's why:

The information on a discussion forum is anecdotal until someone conducts a study and compiles the information to form statistical data. In other words, we could each say I believe ABCDE because of what I have read on the forum . Since we all interpret things differently, none of us would be any more correct than the other.

A person does not have to provide evidence for what they think.

If I were stating my belief as fact, evidence would indeed be required. This is precisely why I avoid stating my beliefes and opinons as fact. Many people have not come to the point in their lives where they can actually make this mental connection...Some never will.

But since you asked, here's my "evidence" and it is the same evidence you have for your opinion that most people only cheat once:

My own experience and empirical knowledge.

Sir / Ma'am you are indeed reaching.

Here's the difference: If the husband of one of those women discovers that they have been posting and receiving advice and support...if they get ahold of ONE of their posts, the man will likely kick their @ss for it.

Is that blunt enough for you?


Distres-When did dissent become distress?

Now... you need to tell me how I have endangered the security & safety of ONE person here.

I eagerly await your response.

I will admit that while I am not surprised that there are forum members who recognize what is happening and disagree with it, I am surprised that someone has come forward to speak up.

We all know that when there is situation where someone is being attacked, people do not usually speak up because they are afraid of becoming targets themselves.

Thank you for making your statement, Patriot.





About my story: I will post this again.

Here are our (me & my husband's) problems->
-The challenge of being married to someone from a different cultural background
-The challenge of a military marriage
-My duplicity regarding gender based stereotyping

I posted the first and the third several times and no one cared enough to address them (despite the claim that they "just want to help me"). The last one received a sarcastic one line comment from an MB veteran, and that's all.

I don't have an agenda with you one way or the other <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />(so your not being attacked by Me ....just wanted to get that out of the way). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

In fact,
I've ONLY read some of your posts ........cause the darn things Tend to STAY up at the top of the page. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
{Just wondered what all the hub ubb was about ........so sue me}. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Anyways,
just wondering out loud Why your coming and posting on the Infidelity Board,
when it seems like your issues could easily be addressed at other sites on the board (namely the EN section).

That seems like the most appropriate place to deal with issues like:


Just curious. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

But if you have some need/want to be down here with us fine folks,
no problem. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />