You know that list of biggest human fears? Death, taxes, etc?
I put Moving at the top of mine.
Glad you're through it. (Yeah, I shuddered when I read it.)
"questioning me over and over as to the same things...turning situations around so that i feel that i have failed"
Here is where you lost your perspective that you are in charge of your own stuff--if you feel you failed, then you're feeling it...he can't make you. This is essential to really understanding...you are two separate and equal people...you only control yourself...God's design...no way around that truth...living it, however, that's conscious effort...we can believe someone can make us...feel, think, believe, etc...and you'll experience life that way.
Won't be truth, though.
"...manipulation into unaccounted for time, etc....i'd be lying if i said i wasn't scared of his compulsions and rituals"
Own your fear. You fear lies, feel attempts to manipulate with them...you feel fearful. Sounds reasonable to me.
"....they have controled him for so long and i'm not so sure they will just turn him lose because he says he wants to be"
You know this one inside...certain beliefs have controlled your life, by choice (you chose those beliefs) for a long time...how will you turn loose of them?
"...i know there is lots of work ahead but all i can focus on is ME... it is not fair for either of us to have to live under a veil of worry, doubt, and fear"
Actually, you're right. We choose to worry when we do...like praying for what you don't want...doubting is from years of self-betrayal and losing your own trust...that can be rebuilt, each hour of each day...fear isn't a choice...we have it...knowing what belief it is coming from helps a lot...and our choice remains, to not act from it.
"...i know that i am feeling "old" and worn out"
Why? Please say it is the move...
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />(
I ask because you could be experiencing emotional fatigue by doing what you feared most...facing yourself...and there is great joy, freedom and relief in doing that...unless you aren't doing it for you, but to manipulate an outcome that will make everything better, smoother, secure.
Just thought I'd throw that into your mix. I'm mean, aren't I?
"....i know that i have cried more in the last 2 yrs than in my entire life"
Sadness tears are HEALING. They are healthy. Tears of frustration, anger, fear...those are not. Know the difference.
"....BUT!!!..i still believe and i still have hope that all of this will get worked out"
You are on the personal recovery path...you determine your own recovery...so that whether BF makes it or not, you will.
"...if it doesn't i can face the consequences...for i know them now:)....doesn't mean i hafta like it but it is growth for me:)....that is why time is of the essence....the more time that goes by the less the rituals/compulsions are and i get to rediscover the fabulous person underneath all the fluff and fantasy....maybe it will never happen...in fact 50% who try to stop SA can't because they are unwilling to work on their workshop/program at a leisurely pace"
How about that failure rate not being measured in decades...I believe they do get it more often than 50%...that "leisurely pace" is a DJ...this is terribly fear-filled territory, full of harshest pain, facing self...not to be bitten into and swallowed like a pill...won't stick that way...one of my DH's fears is that he hasn't really changed...and that fear is from the same place as all his fears...and undermines...everything.
"...the Sexualized mind of an addict is always planning...always fantasizing how to please the partner or partners...you get the picture here!!"
It is more about secrets...keeping self separate because self is rotten at its core...to remain undiscovered...to support and maintain self-image instead of self...sex is only the symptom, not the disease.
"anywho, all i can do is continue to learn these thought processes and stand by bf's side"
Oh, you're doing a LOT more than that, UN!
"...he told me yesterday how luck he really was to have me in his life.... it felt heartfelt and sincere"
Wow...I only heard that last month...nearly two years past DDay...
Can I suggest Al-Anon meetings?
LA
