FaithFul-thanks for responding and the hug. As far as what we have doing to work on our marriage...well just talking. I have been the counseling route several times and I feel it is a waste of time. My H has put alot into faith which he said he has always had his faith but never really put his all into it. He said he has been working on finding his way back to God. We are a practing Catholic family. He has been reading scriptures to help guide him.

I on the other hand need more time to see if he is changing. This past 9 months has been hectic. We still haven't sold our house yet so we are still with family. I feel like I couldn't think about us or what the future hold until I found out the truth. Now that I do I don't know anything. I also feel until we are alone and "normal" again it will be the true test. He just started his new job. I don't know if I have it in me to stick around to see what happens or if he really changed when we sell our house and get a new one. I don't know if I have anything left in me to make this work.

All I think about all day long is the fact that he has another child. Even worse that he really knows nothing about the OW. Just by what we have been dealing with in the past I know she isn't going to make it easy. Thankfully we are on the other side of the country.

Is it wrong for me to want to contact her exhusband to find out what she is really like. I know he still has on going battles with her. I have been keeping up on her many court cases and she always is filing some complaint with someone. I look at all of the public records on her.

My other thing is how does no contact work? I can't bare the thought of my sweet young children knowing any of this. Ever!!!!!!! It is not fair that finacially my children get something taken away from them. I know money isn't everything but we will have to cut back because of his CS. I most likely will have to go back to work which makee me sad because I love being a stay at home Mom.

How can our marriage recover? I am so confused I can't see us living seperate but I can't see us being a "couple" again. He says that he is so in love with me more then ever and I can't say the same at all.


I know I am babbling but I am lost and confused and deeply hurt.

DM, you need to give yourself some time. Give it time to see if he can be transparent with you and a faithful husband again. As for NC, it is what it is. You may give her a PO box or something with which to contact you regarding the child ONLY when necessary or something along those lines. I don't beleive you have to tell her where you are living as long as she has a way of contacting in case of emergency. Get everything done legally and like I said IF she does harrass you, file an RO against her.

As for your feelings, I totally understand. As time goes on, it will fade. You won't think about the OC all the time. Your life will get back on track and somewhat "normal" again. I am not saying you will forget, but you can eventually forgive. Why don't both of you work with your priest on ways to be closer to each other spiritually.

Yes, you can recover your marriage. This site can help you. Are you reading the books? Dr. Harley has a workbook to go with His Needs/Her Needs which is excellent and would give you and your H a real path for your recovery.

DM,
I am so sorry for you. You are about in your discovery where I was when the paternity test was finally completed and I started my antidepressants. They lasted about seven months as I pulled myself back to find me. It has been almost two years since I found out. We have NC. My FWH does not want contact. We moved our family across the country six months ago to start over, without any location memories (I was afraid we would go someplace he had been with OW or she would show up in front of COM). She does not know where we are. The attorney knows, she doesn't need to. Did you file for child support for your children? One of the old threads talks about filing for child suport for your children before she gets hers. We failed to do this. You can do this and still work on your marriage. If she gets the award first, they don't give much credit to the COM. The OW in my case set up the affair for the distinct purpose of getting pregnant. She used fertility monitoring to assure she was the most fertile. She had a postive test three weeks later. Now she can live off the CS because she got the paid for condo from her divorce (OW was 40 and her ex was 63). Take care of your children and work with your husband on healing and rebuilding.
I still hurt, I don't think it ever goes away completely. BUT, there are really good days and weeks. The memory is always there, the reality of the CS will be there for 16 more years. But, my children are unaware and happy. We are working hard on rebuilding and healing. We are spending more time together on the fun things!! Spend time together, read the books. I know that I could never have healed to trust another. If my FWH hadn't been so remorseful, if he had stayed with contact (as the MC's thought was the right thing to do), I would not have made it to today. We have a new home, a new start, a new life. We recognize the dangers to our relationship, to our family. No one as low life as these OW who intentionally get pregnant and willfully attempt to destroy the lives of the BS and COM are worth letting them succeed.
Fight for you, your COM's life and lifestyle, and most importantly with your WH to make your marriage what it should have been in the first place.
Best wishes from someone who felt this had never happened to anyone else. As you see from this site, you are NOT alone, and we all have been through our own version of the he77 you are going through now.

FTS

fledthestate: i would like to talk to you more. Could you explain the CS for my kids. I never heard of that. Although things are moving along with his case. Your sitauation sounds just like mine. We left town to but we came back to our roots. You sound like someone who really knows what i am going through.

I haven't been on this site alot lately. I am just emotionally exhausted to do anything. I just can't stand that she gets away with this. She is so concerned about money. She just filed a motion for temporary cs. Now tell me she didn't do it on purpose.

I feel like a am going to break. I have already been down the antidepressant rode, the counseling rode and everything else. What's next??????? I need someone who has the same situation to help guide me.

DM,

Glad your back, It has been a very long two years. There is a lot of information here. Trust Me, I don't know the half of it. If you go to some of the pregancy "Oldie, not for Newbies" and then link on some of the names, you can view their old posts. Crazyhurt, Texasgirl. One of the things that comes to mind is that CS is based on the income of both parents. Most states do it in percentage. They add both parents income to determine how much the child should live off. Then they award support by the percentage the non-custodial parent contributed to the total income of both parents. Additionally, they subtract in CS that is already owed from the total income of the parent when they calculate. They will give some credit for a COM but in my case it $100/month less than for her child. THEN, they added the daycare (that she doesn't use) and made hime pay the same percentage of daycare costs.

Somewhere here, on of the long ago posts said that you need to file for child support and get the CS award for your children before her order is in place. Also there is a fathers rights website that shows how do decrease the CS owed. There is income shifting, etc. It requires full discovery for money for both parties, your attorney should be doing this.

If I had to do it over, I would divorce H and get the CS for COM, get the house in my name only, FWH to draw up will acknowledging, only after paternity test, the existence of the OC and disinheriting.

Your goal here is to protect your COM, not become the welfare department of this OW. CS is the FWH responsiblity to this child, but he should not be resposible for the alimony that is usually figured in, disguised as CS. (For example, her home costs the same whether she has OC or not, so why pay more support for her mortgage/rent?, The OC does not significantly change her electric bill, nor does OC need a Cell phone.)

These are very difficult time, feelings, and decisions. It feels like you are swimming in a sea alone trying to protect your children, Oh Yeah, yourself too! I wasn't able to and didn't know to get the CS for my COM first. We talked about the divorce to protect assets but I was too afraid that if we did, then it would become real. So, for the next 16 years we take a larger CS hit every month.

The move was the best thing for me. I know she can't afford to just show up at my house anymore. That protects my kids. I did just find out her attorney or the Child support office disclosed our new address that set me back for a couple of days. She doesn't have a right to our location only the guarantee of the check every month. We are full NC with the OC "AND" OW.

Time and honest effort, full honesty and transparency by FWH. Lots of support by FWH especially when everything triggers. Songs on the radio, TV shows, bad jokes by people who have never experienced the pain. Take your meds, go back and get them changed if it isn't helping, Read lots here, not only is the pregnancy board helpful for the specifics of our situation, but check out the GSII and the recovery board. You are dealing with mutiple betrayals. Your marriage, FWH relationship with your COM, (How can they not only betray you, but your beautiful children as well?) The other boards help you with insight to these questions, "The Fog" as they call it. Read here, scan the old boards, and check the others.
You are not alone, your are not the only women to go through this horror. It's not a club any of us wanted to belong to but we will support you through as others support us. Our goals are healing, survival and protecting our COM and marriage.

God Bless
I will help you if I can
FTS

Good Morning, well as for the CS for my kids it's a little too late. The wheels are already in motion for The OC CS and I really can't afford anymore atty. fees. Nobody in my family knows anyway and I want it to stay that way as long as I can. We have been through a rough year to begin with. While my H was suppose to be supporting be a year ago when my Mom died he was doing this instead. As you can see this would bring even more heart ache to my family especially when everyone loves him so much. I have to leave in the hands of our Atty. The upside they atty. and her staff got the OW number. I guess one of the assitants in the atty. office used to work for the OW exhusbands Atty. and they know what a b---- she can be. It is sad because every motion the OW has made through the court emphasized on money.

FledTheState-- the first line in your last paragraph is exactly how I feel. How is it possible to recover from this. Sometimes I think I can but most of the time I think we will never have a healthy marriage. He has lied for most of our marriage. I mean 3 A's is enough how much more could I stay for. How sad is it too love someone that much I can't even leave. I know I did it because of my kids.

He really seems remorsful and I think this last one and because of the OC he has finally opened his eyes and realized how pathetic he was. He was so caught up in himself that he was so far gone he didn't know what he was doing anymore. He seems alot more humble. I don't know. I hate this I hate the fact that I have such horrible thoughts about and innocent child. How awful is that.

I have no energy or will to even read anymore help books are get any help. I have done it so many times that I just don't want to. This site is the only thing I am willing to do. I am tired!!!!!!!!!!

I need someone in my situation to reassure me I am doing the right thing by staying.

DM,

I started a repsonse and lost it. I'll start over.

Do you love your H? Do you feel he has shown true remorse since he came to you about the pregnancy? Has he established true NC w/ OW?

Our true NC didn't occur until the CS order was finished in court. Because during that time everything you are doing focuses on OW and OC and how much money they can take from you and yours. Does your H want contact with OC? This is a veery individual choice. For some contact with only the OC, a mediary to keep NC w/ OW, works. Not for me. I would not have made it to today if my H wasn't able to go NC with OC as well. This means that there is NC with OW, ever, for anything. Any and all communication from OW is required to go through the Atty. We aren't interested in parenting the OC she is raising by her values. Our COM do not know, there are only two family members that know, my brother, and one of my FWH's sisters. No one in the families wants contact with the OC.
My FWH came to me about the OC after he was 4mos. old. He believed the marriage woluld be over the minute I knew, so he was even more stupid and tried to do right by her (he felt guilty, responsible for PG as he was figuring out that she had set him up from day one) Doesn't excuse his guilt, but when I didn't kick him out the second day he came clean about a previous, 3 time affair with someone he had known before our marriage that happened 10 years ago. I never knew about that one either. It was like a second death blow, I really thought I was going to pass out and die right then. But it is part of the Radical Honesty that is discussed here. The amazing thing is he hadn't read anything. He was busted, knew that there was no way out of the consecuences. He still was foggy until we were in the midst of the CS battle. Then the fog lifted. My FWH spent time living in the streets as a HS student, he learned values that were wrong, even though in his heart he knew they were wrong he still followed them, as long as no one knows, no one gets hurt? He did IC with the Chaplain from my work for 7 months while we were waiting for paternity and going to court. He has true remorse, is working on what I need every day, hugs, calls, suprise notes in my car. He has NC and does not want. He wants to take me and our children and do the things that we weren't doing because life got in the way. We spend time at the grocery store together, drives in the mountains or to the lake with the boys. Actively working on time together doing fun things.
They say recovery for the BS takes as long as the affairs, for us with OC is may take longer but, I don't think I got started until the CS had been decided. There was still required information exchange until then, now the only information to exchange is ALWAYS through the Atty. Make her pay for her Atty and keep one on retainer for yourselves to deal with her.

DM, deal with the depression, take the meds, stay busy. It is gut wrenching and spirit draining. BUT, rays of sunshine do get through, and more of them get through as time moves on!! It requires his work. Your H must be doing all the things to help you. This might be hard if he is also depressed, shamed, and guilty for what he has done to you, himself, and his COM. My H had a very hard time, he was always holding all of our friends babies any time there was one, until he determined that he was only the set up sperm donor, and that the harm the OC's existence would cause us and COM far out weighed, any benefit the OC would gain from seeing him for a couple weeks in the summer and every other holiday.
It hs taken me two full years to not always think of the OC as her [email]Bas@@@rd.[/email] It is a normal feeling. The OC should not be here, should not exist, Was created from Deceit and Lust, not from Love, Caring, Intamacy, and the desire to create and raise a child together to be a productive, happy, and responsible part of society. These feelings do get better. Will I reach a point that if he shows up on my doorstep at 18 that I won't become agitated and have a panic attack? I don't know, but I will trust in God to get me there and be prepared for it then if it happens.
You are doing the right thing in staying and working on your marriage if your children are happy and your husbands is working on the marriage and himself with you. I have many thoughts also, if the people I work with knew, they would tell me I was insane and why didn't I kick him to the curb! They can never truelly know until they have been in our shoes. If you read on the recovery board pages, you will find that many of us here, didn't think we would stay with the betrayer if they ever did this to us, I also thought I understood the pain my Matron of Homor went through. I didn't have a clue until my Dday. Don't listen to people who haven't been through it. They don't know. Listen to your heart and your children. If he is working on you, him and marriage then give it your best, if you slip give yourself a break and get up again tomorrow.
Come back here, read some more, share your joys and your pain and Hug your Kids!!!
FTS