I am an old poster. Some may remember me. I can not sleep tonight. I fear that my husband is back to his old tricks, whether he believes it or not. For those who do not know me, my husband cheated on me starting 3 1/2 years ago with an employee of his (he is a manager) and the affair lasted a year. we seperated and then tried to work things out. Granted we have had our ups and downs, but I thought things were going better the last year. Well lately he has been talking with female employees- they have his cell phone number. He does not see the issue as he says I can check his phone records and text history anytime I want. and claims that he does most of the interactions infront of me. Well tonight was the drawing point, him and I sat down to watch a movie together, kids in bed, just him and I time. His phone rings and he answers it (mine is in the other room, why is his always with him I wonder) it is a female employee of his, he puts her on speaker, and they have this very comfortable conversation, where she states that his last message that HE sent she did not understand, and implyed that it was one of many. They sat and laughed and joked and carried on, and I was sitting right there, he did not see anything wrong with it. Please keep in mind this was how his last affair started. I could not take it anymore so I went up to my room intending to go to bed and sleep on it to ensure that I was not over reacting. He came up a few minutes later and said I was making to much out of it and that it was no big deal. I told him it was just how his last A started and he laughed, saying I would never let that go. He turned it around on me. I am sick to my stomach. Is this the beginning of a new nightmare? or am I over reacting like he says.???

I forgot to mention that he said that he loves me, that his number is posted at work, as are all the managers. Which is true he has received other professional calls, but to me this seems to personal. I told him I did not like it. he said we should talk about it later. He is upstairs asleep now, and I am wide awake running through all the what if's. He says I should trust him- I want to. He has been doing everything else by the "book"- but to be this is a huge flashing red flag.

I don't think you are over-reacting. Sounds like he isn't protecting his personal boundaries again.

What do you intend to do?

you ignore red flags at your peril

what do I plan to do? Great question, I guess that is why I am back on the boards. Do I believe my husband and wait to be slapped in the face by a reality check that is sure to come? DO I look into this further? Demand that he what- change his job again- I wish I knew. IT seems that no matter where he goes, this continues to happen, yet he plays dumb- says he just does not get it.

no he does not get it clearly. So what do you need to do to feel safe?

I feel betrayed.
I feel like an idiot
I feel like a puppet

not quite sure how I got that to post, was not quite done. Feeling safe emotionally has not really happened since that fateful spring day. The OW recently got married- however I have finally realized she really was not the problem- she was part- but she was NOT the actual problem. I fear my husband enjoys this game he plays, likes the attention and the risks he takes by playing. My question is what part of his game am I playing. The devoted wife that never leaves and takes care of his kids? Granted yes I can be a royal pain in his [censored], however does he think I am all bark and no bite? Is he trying to force my hand? what

Only you can answer that. But you know the issues with your husband have nothing to do with the OW. They are his internal issues to deal with in himself. What in him makes him vulnerable to this type of attention?

This sounds like a Dobson style "Love must be tough" letter time to me - or a standard MB Plan B letter.

You are being disrespected here because he assumes you will just sit back and take it.

His behaviour is inappropriate.

It is disrespectful to you and your children. It's not on.

Are you in a position to ask him to move out till he removes his head from his [censored] and starts to respect you?

Do you love him?

Does he love you?

Do you want this marriage?

Sorry I'm all questions and no answers tonight.

thanks bigKahuna for your time and for responding. That is what I needed to hear. Not sure why I had to hear it from someone else prior to going with my own thoughts and feelings. Perhaps because I was afraid I was wrong or over reacting. My gut tells me he is just being playful with these other woman, but I do not like it, he is married. He had taken his ring off for a few weeks, but recently put it back on at my request (he said he took it off because it was too snug- probably true). However like I said to him tonight, how would he feel if the tables were reversed. if he would not like it then why would he do it to me. As my father always says DO ON TO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD WANT DONE ON TO YOU

what would you do if you were not afraid?

You know - I wrote the above post before you posted your post mentioning fear. Uncanny isn't it.

Hi KMEJ,

"Please keep in mind this was how his last affair started."

They were on speakerphone...did you speak? "This is H's wife. We were spending family time. What is the nature of your business at this hour?"

Okay, so I'm snotty tonight, on your behalf. Still. Speak. Open your mouth. State your truth.

How much do you do that...about what you think, feel and believe...about everything in you?

"I could not take it anymore so I went up to my room intending to go to bed and sleep on it to ensure that I was not over reacting."

You can react, not overreact. Someone else tells you that you are...you are not. You were choosing to act not react...removing...look to your true motives...were you believing yourself, hiding your truth, or calming yourself?

"He came up a few minutes later and said I was making to much out of it and that it was no big deal."

He verbally abused you--he told you what you were feeling and that it was no big deal. Say, "Stop. You can believe this isn't a big deal to you. It is to me. Please acknowledge that."

"I told him it was just how his last A started and he laughed, saying I would never let that go."

"Ouch! You are doing it again. If you state what is not yours again, then I will leave the room."

"He turned it around on me."

He has no ability to turn anything around on you...without your permission.

"I am sick to my stomach. Is this the beginning of a new nightmare? or am I over reacting like he says.???"

You have not done your work, KMEJ...long ago, Plan A was about you know where you ended and he began...or you got it and lost it in the last 3.5 years. Get it back or learn it now...this is you, about you...just as his A was him about him. Not any other person.

How much IC and MC did you pursue? How much do you know about verbal abuse? Communication? Your own power and limit?

You are his EQUAL, KMEJ...your feelings are valid...his feelings are valid...they aren't yours. Nor are his beliefs yours or his thoughts...yours is only yours...God's design. KNOW this.

You're enmeshed. I've seen others really get the enmeshment broken by A's...what happened with yours? Did you go back into that entwined place? Where you completed one another? Lost yourselves inside one another? You are two whole and complete human beings...in a union of both of your choosing...

When you self-betray...you get a signal inside...and feel like an idiot. You are not. You can't be.

Same with stupid.

Overreactive.

A puppet. You can choose to believe you are powerless...and reality remains...you are NOT.

You can choose to believe you are controlled...and reality remains...you are NOT.

No one can control you...not cause or cure...God made that your domain...solely yours...through choice.

Why do you choose to believe you are powerless, controlled, stupid or idiotic?

LA

leave until he was willing to treat this marriage and family with the respect it needs. Not come and go as he please, do as he pleases. He has been putting forth the effort more and more lately, but now it leaves me wondering if it is out of guilt.

Wow loving away you made some very valid points. I did actually talk back- however with speaker phone on his cell if the other person is talking they can not hear what is being said= which was the case. I told H that he was being irresponsible and innapproprite and that he was to end the conversation. he continued to talk- so I want to my room.
Puppet- I meant that as is he toying with me, trying to see what he can and can not get me to do. I have been standing my ground with him a lot lately and that has seemed to have helped. I am choosing to be me. he can come along for the ride or get off at the next stop.

Good stuff from LA as always. I could even understand most of it. LOL

(and I am not being sarcastic. LA is one of my favourite posters)

did not think you were B-k. I can see why she is one of your favorite posters. No sugar coating straight to the point- that is the right way to be. I have a lot to think about, I think I will sign off now and sleep on it. Check in again later. Thanks!

Hi KMEJ,

I'm sorry...I know you've been around a while, but I don't know you're history - I've only recently returned to the boards myself.

How well do you two communicate when you have open, honest conversations?

Perhaps it's time to have one of those?

Talk about how your feeling without the LB's or pointing fingers. Use the 'I' talk...I'm feeling XYZ...
When this happens, I feel...

After something like that it may be easier to gauge where to go from here?

Just a thought.