A nurse from my doctor called yesterday to let me know that my doctor is sick and will be out for the rest of this week, so after all of the drama, I had to reschedule my appointment for next Monday. I won't lie about it, because I did not make the change, but I am sure if WH finds out that I did not even go see my doctor last night, he would flip - he would think I caused him a lot of trouble (to bring the card to my house) when it was raining heavily on Monday night for nothing, and I probably did so just because I wanted to have the card or I did not trust him.

Okay, I should not be speculating, I know. It's just that no matter what I do, in his eyes I am a person he can't stand and that hurts.

Thanks for listening, I just wanted to vent. Have a good day everyone!

Milk

Having a decent day - am being pretty productive, but not as much as I would like or I would have, if I do not have to think about WH and our D process. How do you block such thoughts? Any suggestions?

Just had a short conversation with WH, because I had to ask him to look after DS4 in December for about a week when I will be in Europe for a business trip.

He asked about my health so I said I had to reschedule it because my doctor got sick and will be seeing her next Monday. He said "the fact they did not take you in right away means that it's not serious, right?", so I said "I don't know, all I know is that my doctor must be pretty sick because she cancelled everything the rest of the week. But I did receive 5-6 messages from my doctor while I was on vacation, so they DID want me to pay attention." and I told him there were three girlfriends of mine who all had different outcome - they all had ovarian cyst but one of them turned out it was actually a cancer and it had to be removed; the other two were benign, but one got bigger so she still had to have it removed and the other one just disappeared after two periods. So when I told him these three scenarios, he said "sh#t, well, we'll take these steps and you'll have it checked out, okay. I'll pray - yeah, I do pray for this sometimes, you know. Let me know what you find out".

Yes, I should NOT get confused that WH wants his family back. But it is good to know that he cares about my health.

He lost his mother over ovarian cancer when he was two, and he was raised by his step mom. He used to get very angry at his dad, because he felt that his affairs (his dad was not faithful to his wife at that time) caused his mother a lot of pains and sufferings that led to her sickness and death. He felt that his dad had 'killed' his mother. His dad might have felt the same way, and after he lost his wife and remarried to his current wife, he stopped affairs completely.

So I could not help but to think - is he scared that he is REPEATING the history? Does he feel that his actions might have caused me stress that might have given me this and there might be a possibility that DS4 would have to go through the similar thing and later on will be upset with his father?

No, I don't think he feels this way. He might be kind of scared, but there is no way that he feels responsible or could connect two incidents (what his dad did and how he had grown up to be an insecure person who never knew love from his mother, and what HE did to his own family and how that is affecting DS4) and have this "!" moment. That's just my wishful thinking...

I spoke to my therapist today and she told me again how I need to shift my focus to myself, rather than on WH. She said that "yes, WH is not a bad person and he still cares about you and DS4, but that does not mean that for you to be in this R is good for you - your needs are not being met by him. You want to create an R where you can trust your partner - what makes you think that WH is capable of changing into this responsible and trustable person? You need to start thinking about how your needs will be met and make better choices going forward".

Ouch, but she is right. She DID try to help us save our M, and she never told us to 'give up' while she was doing MC, but looking at how I am still hanging onto false hopes after WH decided to pursue D, she probably has to say this to me to make me accept the reality and see things more clearly.

She also told me to start 'relying' on myself rather than constantly seeking for validation from others. She suggested that I keep journal and review it later on, to see how much of my focus in on WH, rather than myself.

Milk

Sorry you had to delay the medical appt, Milk. I know that
sort of thing is kind of "nerve wracking" so you'd probably
like to just get it over with as soon as possible.
Glad that WH wasn't angry at you about the delay, and did
show more concern about your health.

I think my WH is the same way- doesn't feel like he "loves"
me or wants to be with me now, but still cares about me "as
a person" and doesn't want anything bad to happen to me.
I guess that's a little better than being disliked or hated
although it doesn't change anything in our sitch, so maybe
it doesn't really matter !

Your IC sounds similiar to mine, in that she lets me vent,
but also helps me focus on myself, and ways I can meet my
own needs.
I think it is hard to rely on ourself and not want some type
of validation from others, especially after the big blow to
our self esteem that has ocurred when our WH do not want to
be with us anymore, and in my case, has dumped me for that
trashy OW. I've done journaling for many years, just on my
own, but my IC has also suggested it during a trying time
like this, as a way to get out feelings, thoughts and any
questions, so that I don't keep them in my mind, dwelling
on them too much. She also suggested writing WH a long
letter telling him anything I'd want to say, as a method
of safely venting (not sending letter to him).
I'm just trying to take it a day at a time, with my focus
on the job hunt right now, but do feel like I'm on a very
fast train about to go off a cliff with the D looming.
Slammed

Hi Slammed,

Actually there was one more thing my IC suggested - that try to limit the number of visits to this site! She recognizes that this site has been helping me through difficult times, but she feels that I am (again) using this site to get external validation, and am losing the ability to 'trust' myself or my own judgement.

Don't think that your WH 'dumpted' you for the OW, I don't think that's the case - it could have been anyone, your WH just wanted to 'change' something and the only target he had was you, and it did not have to be OW, she is only the excuse WH used to get out of M. Frankly, I am not even sure which one is better, Slammed - in my case, yes, WH did fall for a young collge girl 2 years ago and felt that she was the 'answer' to all of his problems - but soon he learned that she was not interested in him. Still, he continued with this attitude that he did not want to be with me, that to me, is a greater rejection. Even when he is alone, he does not want to be with me.

Again, though, our focus should be on ourselves... Thanks for your support.

Milk

I don't have any real advice for you - I think you going in the right direction.

Your focus should be on YOU right now, not on WH unless he commits.

We do best when we focus on the things we have the power to change.

See you around.

SS

Thanks for checking in on me, SS.

I will start keeping journal and review it to see if I am making any progress in shifting my focus. I will also keep reminding myself that EVEN IF he came back, it would have been a disaster because he was not willing to offer anything for us, but for himself and it was all based on his convenience, so in the end I did not lose anything. So, I will try to maintain my focus on myself and DS4, and try to live my life well. Something good has to come once I mange to do this -

Thanks again for your support.
Milk

Need to do the financial disclosure and just feeling depressed about it....

It's beautiful outside, though.

Hi Milk -

I've been off the site for a while....it does help you to focus on other things rather than trying to figure out your sitch. I would suggest it......

I understand how hard it is not to let the little things a WH does effect your mood. We hope beyond hope that there is an underlying meaning to what they say.

I hope your test turns out o.k. I went through the same thing about a year ago. Ovarian cysts......I had been off birth control pills for quite some time and the DR. said going back on would get rid of them. I went back on temporarily and then they went away.

Take care,

Kim

Hi Kim,

Thanks for your kind words and also for the tip - I did not know that birth control pills can help. It's ironic, though that I really do NOT need them... LOL

Hi Milk,
Hope you had a good weekend !
Haven't had ovarian cysts, but I do have fibroids, and have
stayed on "the pill" to help control and prevent them from
growing any larger. Like you, I don't need them for any other purpose- <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Nothing too much happening here, but will update on my
thread regarding job sitch and my appt today with SH.
Slammed

Thanks for checking in on me Slammed. I went to see the doctor yesterday and she said I will need to have it checked out again (ultrasound), and then if it's still there, she feels that it will probably need to be removed surgecally, since it's pretty sizable. That scared me, but I will try not to think too much about it, since if it is gone by the time I will have my next ultrasound, then all the worries and stress will be wasted.

I noticed when I return from the doctor WH called twice from work. But he did not leave any messages. I wondered if I should call him back, because honestly, I though he was calling (he called twice in 1 hour) to see how my doctor's visit went. I thought he was worried, maybe because he lost his biological mother to ovarian cancer. I really wanted to call back, but then this is what I thought: I am using his calls as an excuse to call him. I am not in Plan B or anything, so sure I can call, but this is not regarding DS4, since he was with me, and also if WH was truly worried and wanted to talk about my medical condition, he would have left me messages. I just want to call to see if he 'cares', but I am putting myself up for another hurt again. So I did not call back.

This morning I am still having this urge to call him, but have been controlling my desire as well as 'wishful' thinking. WH decided to resume the D process, he has asked me to submit all the necessary paperwork soon as possible (when I told him that it would take a while because my lawyer is on vacation, WH said 'so it ALWAYS takes you guys a month before responding?', in a cold voice, which hurt me a lot). So why do I keep thinking that WH has changed his mind??? Just because he called twice. Maybe he wanted to talk about our D process or money. Who knows. I cannot have these hopes whenever he calls, because I only end up getting more hurt. If WH changes his mind, I am sure he will let me know. So till then, I should just go with the flow - with the D process, that is.

Milk

OK, I called - yes, I said I shouldn't because I only end up getting hurt. But I wanted to find out why he was calling - and, yes, I am hurt again.

He did not call to see how my doctor's visit went - he could care less. In fact when I called him now he couldn't have even remembered that I had the appointment. He was only calling because of his selfish reasons. He wanted to 'share' one of my weekends with DS4, which of course I declined. It's my weekend. He said "but I wanted to take him to XXX, where they are having the pumpkin festival and that happens only once a year", to which I replied "there have been numerous occasasions where I wanted to take DS4 to certain places for exact same reasons but I didn't because those were your weekends. That's what it is, WH. Besides, you have had numerous opportunities to take DS4 to trick-or-treating when you lived here but you NEVER did that, you did not even come home early enough (because WH was out chasing women, but I did not say that) to see him" Then WH said "it's irrelavent". I wanted to strangle him! Yes, it's relavent! He said "DS is too much work" while he was here, and did not want to do these things with him, and now he sees him only once in a while he started demanding more time???

I am upset and hurt. He does not care if I am dead or not. Actually, he does, because if I die, he can get DS4 all to himself and does need to fight for assets, so he will be happy. In 2004 he said "he felt peace when he thought of his life WITHOUT me, just him and DS4". How can he be this cold towards the mother of his child and his wife of 13 years??? He wanted to come home till recently. He said he missed me and DS4. How quickly he changed...., well, the truth is that he never changed in the first place - he only wanted to come home for $$$ reasons, so maybe I should not be shocked or hurt.

Yes, I was stupid, I should not have called in the first place...

Milk

I just want to ask guys - is it really that easy to switch back and forth with your emotions (hurt, anger, sense of entitlement, etc.)? I just do not know HOW in the world WH manages to 'select' to be an angry mode and how he was able to be 'cute' by saying 'you don't want me back in the house?' in a boyish voice, till fairly recently. He did this before too. Is it because he is unstable, or is it because he is a guy?? One of my guy friends said that because guys can technically have kids forever, if they 'choose' to leave their families, it is NOT that dramatic, as they can simply 'replace' their families - they can choose to be with another (and often younger) women and they can always make more babies. So obviously they do not have the same level of emotional attachment to their kids - I was sad to hear this statement (by the way, my friend IS a great husband and father - he was just telling me what are possible for guys and why they think differently than us women). Is this true?

Is it because he is unstable, or is it because he is a guy??

Yes. <grin>


One of my guy friends said that because guys can technically have kids forever, if they 'choose' to leave their families, it is NOT that dramatic, as they can simply 'replace' their families - they can choose to be with another (and often younger) women and they can always make more babies. So obviously they do not have the same level of emotional attachment to their kids

My W and I do think differently about the children. It's not something easy to put into words (for me) but it's different. I love them, and I love to spend time with them, but I like to have hobbies, do things with my friends, and do things with her too. Often I think she would be happy if she could be with the kids 24/7.

She does do things with me, and she enjoys hobies too, but....... well, It's hard to explain. I don't worry so much about them, I don't stress so much.

he was just telling me what are possible for guys and why they think differently than us women). Is this true?

It is true that guys (in general) think differently than Women do. Like my W said though "VIVE LA DIFFERENCE"

In your case, I don't think you should dwell much on what WH thinks, or says, or does. How does it help YOU?

You can only use logic when dealing with logical things. When dealing with emotion, and feelings, and why people do what they do, it often does not apply.

I think you'll go crazy trying to figure him out, because he is so different than you are. Not just Male/Female different, but values too.

If you want a quick look at the Male/Female differences, try "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus." It did help me out quite a bit. What I finally figured out, is that I probably won't understand her completely in this life, but I can recognize we ARE different, that it's not a bad thing, it just is, and that it needs to be taken into account when we interact.

Have you noticed that life is quite a challenge? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

It is, but it can be wonderful, rich, and full too. Look for the good around you daily, and you'll find it right along with the other. I think there is a story about that I can link to........... yes, here it is.

The Wolf Wars

Most of our happiness depends on us, not on others. Depends on what we feed. This is meant to be encouragement. If it comes across any other way, I'll try to do better in the future. Let me know.

SS

Hi SS - thanks for your reply. Very helpful. By the way, was your first answer corresponding to "unstable" part, "guy", or both???

I am like your W - I am just happy being with my son. I like getting together with my friends too, but I like it more if I have my kid with me too. I can just stare at DS for hours when he is a sleep. The funny thing is, I never thought I would be one of those 'mothers'. I don't have any younger siblings (I have one older brother), and I never really played with or took care of kids who were younger than me. So I was not one of those girls who already had plenty of babysitting experience and who love kids in general. I thought kids can be fun but also quite loud and annoying...., till I had my own. The whold world changed, and I became inseparatable from my son. I could not believe how I had changed myself. Then I started just loving kids in general, and love taking care of other kids too now. It's strange.

I found it difficult to really feel that my happiness depends on myself and not on others. I do understand what you mean and have heard this numerous times before, but I tend to seek for 'assurance' from others around me, whatever that might be (it could be people having good time at my party, DS4 enjoying his time with me, people at work being happy with my contribution, etc.), in order for me to truly feel 'I am doing a good job and am happy'. It still means that I am 'feeling happy' because of the reactions others have, but one of the reasons I feel so devastated about WH's coldness and loss in desire for me/us is because I am still desperately trying to almost 'proove' that I am or was not that bad as WH thinks and I am capable of changing those areas I did not do too well.

Yes, life is definitely a lot more challenging and complicated than I thought 10-20 years ago. It's kind of sad that I am realizing that now. Maybe I am a slow learner - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Milk

SS, I just read your old post linked above. Thanks. It's very deep, and I have to make sure I am not feeding the first one - I tend to do (envy, anger, self-pity, false pride, etc.). Thank you for the link.

Hi SS - thanks for your reply. Very helpful. By the way, was your first answer corresponding to "unstable" part, "guy", or both???

Both -
You can see examples of some really good men on MB, but many of us have problems. Guys are different, I can't deny that.
Between the two, I don't blame you for wondering what's going on.

More later, must go.

SS

Thanks for the clarification SS <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Milk -

Just checking in on you. I had a post to you last night & right at the end of it my computer froze.....so I lost my thoughts.....

I can relate to you though about what your going through with not wanting to call your WH, but thinking that maybe he does REALLY care and wants to know how you are. Then setting yourself up for the hurt again.

What is it that makes us do that? UGH. I got a vm from WH last night. I knew better than to listen to it, but deep down I thought that maybe it was a message saying he'd FINALLLY come around. NOPE.

What is the definition of insanity???? To do things over and over again, expecting different results. Sometimes I think us crazy BS's fall into that loop of insanity.

Take care of you and DS. It would be great if you could teach him music....Mine now says that he doesn't want to take lessons b/cause he doesn't want to do the "homework" in between....

Kim