WTF, thanks for your encouraging words - I really needed them. I have to be strong and believe that DS4 will turn out fine. Looking back, my parents had always had faith in me and my brother - almost too much! We knew that they had complete trust in us, and loved us with all their heart (especially our mom) that we could not do anything too bad that might make them sad or betray their trust. I don't know about my brother, but at least for me, that has always been the reason I did NOT get myself in any type of huge trouble. There were times when I felt resentful (the typical teenagers' stuff) towards my mother, but in the end, because I knew that she loves me so much and believes in me, I could not have done anything that would hurt her. So I must have the same level of trust, belief and love for my son. And I really appreciate that you shared your story about when you were growing up.

I met someone yesterday - an older lady who has also gone through divorce and she raised her son by herself. Her son became resentful at the beginning, which was very hard for her at that time. But she believed in herself and her son - and decided that all she could do is to show the true her, whether it's being a loving mother, a woman who tries hard to establish a career, or could be sometimes a mother who makes mistakes. She kept loving her son, showing that she is always there for him, and also showing how she is 'fighting' to get a better life for both of them and trying to be happier. She said her son in the end understood that it was NOT her fault that they lost their father (it sounds like her ex also went through some mental issues and shut himself down completely), and turns out to be a loving, generous, caring, and responsible boy who is now in college. She said to me to 'believe' myself and just keep trying - then my son will understand and see the whole picture in the future.

Kim, I am the same way - when I find DS4 lying (about eating candy usually....), I immediately think "oh my God, maybe this compulsive lying runs in his father's side of the family, it might be in his gene!", and I get scared. As far as I remember, I never really lied to my parents when I was growing up, so I don't 'get it' when my son so casually lies. So it must be WH's gene! But as I mentioned, I was talking to this lady I met last night and she said "it's more important that your son knows what kind of lies are not so big deal (of course it's the best he does not lie, but so to speak) but there are certain things he should never lie about and there is trust that he should not break - you need to see the bigger picture than worrying about him eating more candy than he promised he would have". Again, she told me to trust myself and my son.

Also, WH is a TV junkie - he basically watches TV all day long (the reason we used to fight a lot). When DS4 asks me for more TV viewing and tells me that he LOVES TVs, I am always secretly hurt and worried that this may be another 'gene' that he inherited from his father. So I totally understand how you feel when you see any type of 'similarity' btw your son and WH. But I have been trying to tell myself - WH has good qualities too, and I hope DS4 inherits them. So maybe I should not get so upset and worried about some of the things I see.

Although, yes, the sex issue is BIG to me. Frankly I do not know if I will ever be 'prepared' to face any sexual issues when DS4 grows up, just because that will bring me back the bad memory of WH's sex addiction.

WH was arrested in June 2004, because he was sneakily 'following' an attractive woman by car and stopped his car on the street to masturbate in the car. Apparently, he has been doing this for a number of years prior to that, which I had NO IDEA. When I was pregnant, often WH left during the weekend, for a whole day! He always explained that he went to Best Buy to check out some new video games - and I believed that like an idiot! But I was still upset, because he always 'abandoned' me to go to Best Buy, when I wanted to go out with him to buy baby stuff, attend parental classes, etc. After the arrest, I asked him if he was doing the same thing when he was supposed to be at Best Buy - he admitted. He had a huge porn collection those days. He was accessing online porn too, which ended up infecting our PC with nasty viruses, and that was the reason I found out he was accessing to those sites as well. WH said he 'needed' his porn because I did not have sex with him often enough. But then later on he said that every time he was 'stressed out', whether because of our relationship or simply because of his new job (he changed jobs so many times in the past), he was doing this creepy thing as well as falling in love emotionally with someone else (he must have had 6-10 of those one-way EAs over the past 10 years).

But he firmly believes "I" caused him so much pain and suffering and as a result he engaged himself in those stupid actions.

The lady I talked to yesterday said "when you have a WS who behaves the way he/she behaves because of his/her childhood experience - it is very difficult to change that. Because their childhood experience has formed their belief, personality, and how they process information and response to such information, they just don't change easily. I kept trying for over 10 years myself, but I realized that my xH was never going to change. So I made the decision to end our marriage".

WH called today to basically 'yell' at me over stupid thing - DS4's pants. He said "YOU should have his pants I bought! Where are they? Now I need to buy him new pants!" It's all about money now. I did not say this to him, but I kept thinking - how much does he think I spend each month for DS's school, clothing, extra-curriculum activities, books, vacation, etc.?? How much does he think I spend on household expenses? WH does not contribute to any of them, and yet he complains about having to purchase a new pair of pants for his son???

It's very hard to tell my son to respect his father, when I cannot do so myself.

Milk

Then teach him that respect is a gift you give, not because the person is necessarily deserving of respect, but that because your son is a respectful person.

Respect does not need to be earned. Trust does. The way you described your husband is very similar to how my husband was at his worst. I had to teach my son to behave respectfully even when my husband was least deserving of that respect.

Children will understand this lesson easier when they're children - and it helps them to separate someone's bad behavior from themselves - that it's not because they "deserve" to be treated badly, just the opposite, but that some people aren't capable of treating them with the love and kindness they deserve.

Thanks KLA. Did your husband have sex addiction too? How did he get healthier?

Went to a bible study this morning. I haven't gone for a long time, and coming back to the group after so many months - I noticed something. Every one of the members' stories has changed. I still remember what we talked about last year. As far as I remember, we were still praying for the same issues beginning of this year. Yet, today, including myself - we were different. Yes, many of us still have issues and pains - but even the pains we are facing now are different from those we felt 6 months ago. I realized things DO change and time DOES help us heal.

Stopped by my friend's house, talked a bit which further lifted my sprits and then went to a concert with another friend of mine. After the concert we went to her house and had dinner together. We talked a bit and I realized how stronger she became over the past 5 years. Her husband killed himself 5 years ago and my friend has gone through a lot since then. She said it takes 5 years to heal (I don't know how she can generalize this, maybe because it took her that much), which somewhat depressed me, since 5 years sound like forever. But it was nice to talk to her and see her being very hopeful now. She said now she is 'ready' to meet someone and love him again. Whether it will take another 5 years or not (since I already spent the past 2 years crying and trying to move forward), I know I am not yet where she is today. Just as much as I want to be where she is now, it also scares me a bit when I think that I could be 'okay' with the idea of divorcing and starting a family again with someone else other than WH. It is hard to remove myself from something I have been so used to and familar with, even though M I had with WH especially in recent years was not very healthy.

Again, thanks for your advice.

Milk

Yes - my husband is recovering from SA.

One big difference I see in him than the SAs who are rationalizing, justifying and cheating on their families is that he still has enough spiritual sensitivity to recognize guilt, shame and the loss of his sense of spirituality when he slips. It was Kasey who found Harley - not me. He's constantly been willing to invest in the relationship, yet he has struggled with behaviors, habits and memories which intrude on and harm the relationship.

It was also Kasey who recognized the EA with the OW - not me. He came to me and told me that he had been investing too much in that friendship and that the conversation had gone too far.

He definitely does not want to lose me. And he knows the difference between now and when I used to go along with the addiction is that now I have a voice; I believe in myself and he knows I choose to stay, but that I also have the strength to choose to leave - and he knows that I don't threaten that - I'm not holding it over his head. No one knows more than Kasey that he's the love of my life, but that I would do what I had to do if he pushed me in that direction.

I think the biggest thing he did to get healthier is that he followed his brother into a 12 step meeting 12 years ago this month and saw himself in those suffering from addiction.

It got worse for a while, because you'll find that anyone who suffers from addiction tries to fix everyone else but themselves - until they discover the true meaning of surrender.

I think that's why I have worked so hard to get the betrayed spouses here who are obviously dealing with addiction to recognize the co-dependent dance - that truly Harley's principles do not work until the addiction is broken, and that as a recovering "anon", I recognize that I can do nothing to break the addiction's hold on my husband until I get out of God's way.

Kasey and I have been together coming up on 23 years - but only the last ten has he seen that I wasn't needy. 10 years and 5 months ago we sat in our church leader's office while Kasey laid out his demands for reconcilliation - and I quietly but firmly said I wasn't going to do any of them and then let him sputter with some kind of come back. Eventually, he learned to ask what he needed to do to get me to come back... And he's been working hard on all of them ever since.

Thanks for sharing your story, KLA. It's beautiful, and powerful. And I am glad you shared this because I'm sure this can be quite encouraging to those others who are dealing with addicts.

I think, though, I am at a point where I do not really see much hope in my sitch. Because as you mentioned, I see many differences between your FWH and my WH. WH wanted to 'fix' me. Yes, he recognized that he had/has problems. But he still made demands to me, while he was not willing to engage in any type of 'hard work' commitment. And when our MC used the word "symptoms", he almost jumped up and asked me "see, Milk, did you hear what she said? My addictions were symptoms, and I had them because of the bad marriage".

He did attend the 12 step meetings in 2004, and he changed drastically during that time. He became humble, and it appeared that he 'surrendered' to God. But it did not last too long. Soon he did not have to attend those meetings, and the same "I'm the victim here, poor me, I need to be selfish thinking only of myself in order to survive, because that means taking care of myself" attitude came back. And, nope, there is no way that my WH will follow anything being taught here at MB or anything our MC suggested. Now he does not even attend his group counseling, I have no idea how WH will become - more vicious and selfish? It looks like he is heading that direction, unfortunately.

But I hope there are others who are in the similar situation where at least their WSs with addictions acknowledge their weakness and problems instead of blaming others around them, and for them, your story should give so much hope. Thanks again for your beautiful story.

Milk

Just having a rough evening. DS4 told me tonight "Mama, I won't need you when I grow up?" I was stunned by such question, so asked why he asked that. He said "Papa told me so". Why did he say that to a 4-year-old? Is he trying to brainwash him or something?

I was hurt, and felt sad. Then I received an email from my lawyer and just my sadness grew even larger. I looked at DS4 being so innocent and pure, sitting next to me, smiling. I felt really bad that his parents are splitting, and it is NOT his fault. I said "sorry, I'm so sorry" to my son and he smiled, gave me a huge hug, and asked "sorry for what, Mama?" I almost cried.

I'm not sure if it's better to keep the whole thing "light" so that DS4 would not be devastated, or should I tell him what is going on, that his parents are getting divorced?

I wish WH could see and truly understood what we are going through.

Milk

Your husband may have taken up the mistaken notion that you put your son up to the feedback he gave him - that it was actually a message from you, so he's retaliating in a very low form of manipulation - he hoped that zinger would drive right into your heart - the way his heart stung at his son's words...

It's time to place some boundaries - that your son is free to speak his mind about his own feelings to you and your husband - and that you encourage that, but I would tell him how much daddy's words hurt you and you know your son doesn't want to hurt you, so he doesn't need to be daddy's messenger any more.

Then you follow the rule and NEVER talk about your husband's behavior to your son again - that you tell it to your lawyer, to your minister, or anyone else who can put pressure on your husband to behave like a father to his son, instead of treating him like the dirty bomb he wants to explode in your life.

Finally, have your attorney send a message that his message he sent through his son will be the last of its kind, if he wants a healthy son. Any further messages will be construed as intentionally malicious toward your son.

Thanks KLA. I spoke to DS4 this morning and first I thanked him for telling me everything, and encouraged him to continue to do so. And then I said to him that even when he grows up, as a mother I will always be there for him. I told him that I will always listen to and help him even when he is 'big', so if he needs to talk or is having any problems, I asked him to come talk to me. He said okay, and hopefully he understood at least a part of what I was saying.

I haven't talked to my attorney about this particular incident yet. In the past WH has said so many other things (e.g., "you can do this, but don't tell Mommy", "it's all Mommy's fault that we are not together", etc.) that are truly not acceptable. I have told our MC while we were going through the 'fake' reconciliation phase, and she told WH firmly that none of his comments were acceptable. I will mention these to my attorney next time I speak to him.

I was just thinking about something yesterday - that WH must have always felt inferior, and he must have hated to feel that way, especially because he has always had a very low self-esteem to start with.

I never thought he felt that way towards me when we were together, but after he left last year, his sisters and best friend told me that because I went to better school, because I always made more money, because I had more friends, he probably did not feel like he was the man of the house who was taking care of me. And that's really sad, because I honestly thought he was proud of me. Every time I accomplished something, he always told me how proud he was. Maybe that's why he always 'felt' for women who worked at bar (maybe not prostitute, although one time he knew a prostitute and he felt very sorry and close to her), who have tried to kill themselves, who used to use drugs, etc. Maybe he wants to feel superior. I don't know. Also one time (a few years ago), he asked why I keep talking to one of my friends who has many problems. She is a very smart person but has suffered from depression and has always had this 'victim' mentality. She even harusinates. I wanted to help, since many people have helped me througout my life. But WH said "do you still talk to her because she makes you feel you are above her or something?" HE must have felt that way towards other people, OR he might have thought the reason I was married to him was because I wanted to feel superior.

Milk

I got another email from my attorney. This is just to revise some of the wording used in my disclosure statement, no biggie. But it's just that I feel like I am an inmate who has already received a death sentence and I am just waiting for that day to come.... I know D should not be a death sentence, but it sure feels like it. In a way, WH decided to 'kill' our family, so yes it is death.

I do not think I am feeling sorry for myself - I am just sad, scared, and unmotivated. It's been so long, but I still sometimes get this "I can't believe this is truly happening to me!" feeling. Aggggggggggggggh!

Milk

Haven't posted much lately, because there is not much going on in terms of our broken M, D process, WH's behaviors, etc., and also because by not checking on 'replies', I found that I can actually focus on other areas of my life better. Talking to people here, asking for advice, and reading others' stories definitely help tremendously. But I tend to get my 'hopes' up too much when I stay on this board too long, because I naturally look for 'success' stories. Which was not helping me focus on my job, for instance.

I am actually quite calm these days. I get depressed on and off still, but I may have finally accepted the idea of getting divorced.

Also, I realized that WH still has so much anger towards me that it will take a very long time before it will go away. Another thing I was thinking about - and also talking about with my friends was that because WH has been lying pretty much all of his life, I am very certain that he now does not know what the truth is and what is NOT. In another words, it is relatively easier for him to believe that he was NEVER truly in love with me, because he could just try to believe whatever he wants to believe to make the process easier. He could also 'lie' to himself that he really IS a healthy person but got 'broken' by ME, and therefore unless he somehow can get the same kind of 'feeling' towards me, he simply does not wish to even 'try' nor see the benefits of restoring our M. His sisters basically said the same thing, that WH believes a lot of 'lies' he made in the past by repeating them himself in the head. I can see that is the case.

For instance, apparently WH called several times throughout the weekend, but we were out mostly. He left me a message yesterday during the day asking to call him back so that he could speak with DS4, but I did not know he had left the message and did not get it till today (I have an Internet based phone and usually I check my VM online at work, because often I don't have time to get online at home). Besides, DS4 and I had a very busy weekend (we had DS4's piano lesson appointment, my ultrasound appointment, engagement with friends and their kids to go to a Halloween event, pumpkin carving at friends' house, etc.) and we did not come home till pretty late last night.

Anyway, when I was getting ready to give DS4 a bath, the phone rang. It was from WH. At this point, I did not know that he had tried to reach DS4 several times NOR he had left me a message asking to call back.

He was obviously pi$$sed off, and soon as I answered, he did not even say 'hi' or anything and just asked for DS4. So I passed on the phone to my son. DS4 spoke to his daddy for a bit, but he was busy playing with his toy and was not really paying attention. In the end DS4 walked away from the phone and came to me in the kitchen. Then I heard WH saying:

"Milk, do you MIND placing the phone close to DS4 so that he can hear me???"

I got very mad at his nasty tone of voice, but tried to calm down and managed to say in a calm voice:

"Do you mind NOT accusing me for things that are beyond my control? I gave the phone to DS4 and it is by him, but if he just walks away from it, I will NOT force him to hold on to the receiver".

WH did not respond to this, but was obviously upset, because in his mind I AM ALWAYS CAUSING HIM PROBLEMS AND PAINS ON PURPOSE.

And I am sure by now he totally brain washed himself to believe that I AM EVIL. That things NEVER go the way he wants them to go BECAUSE OF ME.

I was so upset that I had a dream of him last night. He was basically an insane person in my dream, and I was very upset at him. When I woke up, I felt "why do I even want him back? He is so broken and he will NEVER see things the way other people do. He DECIDED that it's all my fault and he was the poor victim. He gets mad over stupid thing like his son not paying attention to him! And in his mind that's my fault! He will never change, he will never learn to be humble or to recognize his selfishness".

And so far, I have been quite calm today. I feel like I have reached a point where I may not even 'desire' reconciliation with WH, because he seems soooo unreal and a big jerk.

Milk

Another calm day for me...., hopefully I can remain in this rather peaceful or 'acceptance' mode longer. This is definitely helping me focus on my job.

DS4 was all dressed up in a Superman costume today and looked so cute. The costume comes with arm muscles and six pack, lol. It's good to be kids with no worries about future and definitely not about relationship!

Milk

hey milk

my H is so very angry at me too

and he's always been a great "exaggerator" i guess that easily becomes a "liar"

dreams release alot of our fears and worries

right after i found out my H cheated on me, he had an awful dream that his mother, who has passed away, was slapping him across the face over and over until he could see blood on her hands....because she found out what he had done

but what good does it do that my H says he feels such guilt and shame because of what he "did" if he's "still doing it"?
Maybe he thinks that by giving everything up for the person he ruined his marraige over and building a new life with her and her kids will prove that he didn't throw it all away for nothing...

my H thinks i'm always causing him problems too....so much for my good plan A.....

Hi Eav, thanks for your reply. I'm sure MOST if not ALL of the WSs do 'brainwash' themselves so that they can justify their wrongdoing. No one wants to be the 'bad' guy, so naturally they have to come up with the 'excuses' why they have betrayed their loved ones.

It is interesting how your WH had the dream - his mom must have been pretty powerful and a great person with right mind. It does show how guilty he felt back then. So he knew he did something wrong. My WH went through the same thing. When he signed up for LovaLife, coincidentally DS came down with a really high fever (106) in the evening, and we had to bring him to the emergency room. WH apologized to DS almost crying "I'm sorry baby, I'm sorry - that's it, I'm done with all of the crazy stuff!” He must have felt that his selfish behavior has made God mad and his little boy had to suffer for it or something.

But, both your WH and mine - their sense of 'guilt' did not last too long. Because they CHOSE to remain selfish, and decided to come up with 'reasons' for continuing to do the wrong behaviors. They are still in their own world. Those who were able to reconcile successfully had WSs who CHOSE to come out of such (in a way) comfortable fantasy world to see the reality, and face their guilt. My WH is too chicken to do that. He believes he is right and no one can reason him. Your WH needs to come out of the fog HIMSELF to see the reality. I don't know what takes him to see that or gives him the courage to do so.

In a way, it is easier for your and my WH to stay mad at us, right? That itself gives them the 'reason' to be away from us. They have to believe we are bad for them!

I do believe, SOMEDAY, your WH and mine would see what has really happened, and it was THEM who made the decision to destroy their families. But unfortunately, I do not know how long it will take them to reach the point. In my case, maybe WH has to date another woman - maybe that is what it takes. Maybe he has to go through another 'crisis' with other woman to realize that any women would have complained how WH was (his lack of responsibility, motivation, partnership, etc.), and maybe I was not so bad or different after all. Maybe another woman may have to 'dump' him for him to realize how loyal I was. I don't know.

I thought WH's living alone itself might bring him back, since he is not good at being all by himself - but he proved me wrong. He DID become very lonely and started missing his family (especially his son), but it was not strong enough for him to face the reality and to decide to become responsible.

I know what you are going through Eav. All we can do is to be stronger and improve ourselves and to be happy without our WHs. Then we will be in a position to 'choose' when the time comes, instead of the other way around.

Milk

I'm grateful that I have been able to remain pretty calm, content, and happy throughout this week. Am I finally coming out of the stagnant stage and starting to move forward with my life? It's possible!

We still have to go through the D settlement work, which I am SURE would depress me. But, I am definitely NOT as afraid of my future as before. Also, sadly, I realized recently that I do not have the same level of emotions left for WH anymore. Obviously this has also been helping me to feel 'ok'...

Sometimes I get excited when I think of my future now. I decided to join my friend's not-for-profit organization as a board member, and my main career is going well so far. I got the result for my health check-up and I am officially healthy. DS is growing fast, and he got a prize the other day along with the 'congratulations!' letter from his teachers, because of his good deeds. Yesterday was my birthday and several of my friends took me and DS out for dinner. My co-workers want to take me out to lunch next week. My parents are still healthy, and my side of the family (my parents, brother and myself) is very close and I am grateful for that. WH's family also called for my birthday yesterday (I had many messages from them), and I am glad I can maintain the open and close relationship with them.

So all in all, I am not in such a bad place. While I was living with WH, because of his moodiness or laziness, often he 'cancelled' our plan to get together with our friends at the last minute. Or it was simply difficult to get together with them because WH did not want to go out (most of the time he just wanted to stay home to play computer games or watch TV). Now, I get together with my friends all the time, I talk to them a lot, they call me for help, we plan things together, etc., and I remember how I once was before WH. I was a social person and always had many friends. I feel now I am getting closer to my original personality.

Actually, surprisingly WH called yesterday to wish me a happy birthday. But I did not feel excited anymore. I could tell his words did not mean anything - he just said the things he was supposed to say. There were no actions nor true emotions behind. And that's okay. He has become this individual I feel there is nothing in common with me anymore.

I cannot put my life on hold anymore. Like I said, now sometimes I can really get excited what might happen in my future. DS also helps provide 'dreams'..., he is only 4 and his potential is unlimited. I get excited when I think of what he might be doing in 3, 5, and 10 years. He is learning Japanese characters bit by bit, and I've been teaching him piano every once in a while. I am going to take him to another ski trip this winter and will also be teaching him how to ice skate again this winter (I started when he was 2). He asked me to show him how to play tennis, so that's my next agenda. Oh, I am thinking of taking ballet classes again myself (I was a dancer before), and I'm excited to think about that. There are so many things I want to do or what I used to do, and I began to realize that just because I am getting divorced, it should not mean that I cannot do any of them!

Milk

Hey Milkshake !
(makes me hungry every time I read your name)

I was going to suggest the kinds of things you are doing, but you are already doing them. What a class act !

There is not much I can say to help at this point. I think you have it figured out well, and can make it work.

Do believe in yourself.

Do believe in your future.

Don't........ think you are a failure because you couldn't make it work. It didn't work because he had free will, and used it to make bad choices. You can't change that, and it's not your fault.

I am so glad to see you looking out, and realizing life is still out there to live. It is, it really is.

I don't feel sorry for people who try things, and find not everything works the way we want in every case. I do feel sorry for those who are so afraid of failure that they never try anything.

I am excited for you, and for your son. Life can still be good, and enjoyable, and rich, and full. I am glad you are seeing that again.

God be with you.
ISAIAH 51:3

SS

Thanks SS, and good to hear from you again.

MBers have been telling me this for over a year, yet I was too depressed and afraid to do any of them.

I am very grateful that I still have what I have. Life does not end here, and there are millions of people who want to live more yet are dying... I want to do what I believe the best for DS and myself. Life is too short and I have postponed or cancelled my 'plans' and/or 'dreams' enough over the past three years. I am tired of being afraid of the unknown future, without WH. Even with him, no one knows what might happen, so I do not want to get scared or discouraged anymore.

I will keep posting here, though, because I need you all!

Thank you again for your support and kind words.

Milk

It will never be easy to make the decisions you are making. At least, if you care about what's right, and you try to do what's right.

When you are alone, and things seem dark, remember.......... Remember it's only difficult for one who cares, and that means you are in the right place, even if it feels bad at the time. Take comfort in that, and let it help you get through it. God is not abstract - he is a loving father who cares about you personally. May God give you the help you need. I believe he will.

I hope your weekend is relaxing, productive, and rewarding.

SS

Thanks SS. Hope you had a great weekend.

It was a busy, yet very happy weekend. My friends took me and DS4 out on Thursday night, DS4 and I had a nice relaxing Friday evening together. When we finished eating dinner, our neighbor came to bring beautiful roses. Apparently a delivery guy came to our house while DS4 and I were still in his piano lesson and left the flowers with one of our neighbors. When I looked at the note, it said "to a very special woman", and was from my friend. He and I have been supporting each other for the past year since he is going through divorce as well. I did not tell him that Thursday was my birthday but he found it out through one of my friends.

On Saturday, after running errands, DS4 and I went to my friend's house in the afternoon. We had our first board meeting (for the not-for-profit organization I mentioned in my previous post) there. It was an eye-opening evening to meet all of those people who have so many different experiences and views on issues we face every day. They are all loving, caring, and giving people and I was truly moved by them. Hearing their stories humbled me. I felt like I haven't really done much in my life, and am glad that I was given this opportunity to return some of the 'love', 'care', and 'support' I have received throughout my life to those less fortunate people. The meeting/social get-together was supposed to end by 7PM but we ended up staying there till 10:30PM. It was a very long day. During that time, WH came by to pick up DS4 there.

Then today, on Sunday, I left in the morning to go to my friend's house, then her, her husband, another lady, and I got in a car and went to the city. We shopped a bit, and then ate brunch. They insisted on paying everything for today's expenses since it's my birthday. They bought me an $85 ballet ticket too! They are being too generous! I felt bad and said that I can pay for it but they did not let me. After the brunch, we went to the theater to see Kirov Ballet. It was absolutely beautiful. It reminded me of when I was little, taking ballet classes. It was just great to see the world-known ballet company's performance. Now I REALLY want to take ballet lessons again.

After the show, we went out to eat dinner together. We talked a lot about many things, and when I mentioned that I am thinking of taking DS4 to another ski trip and also ice skating on weekends, they said they would join us.

Slowly, I have begun filling my schedule again with my 'plans' like I used to, before our M broke down. It is nice to know that I can still make sort of like 'family trips' with my friends and DS4 does not have to feel that it's only two of us when we are on vacation. It is sad that in his memory, there will not be any normal family (father, mother and kids) vacations, but at least he can always remember fun vacations with me and bunch of other people who love and care about us.

I am very tired from those outings throughout this weekend, but it's a positive kind - I think I can sleep well tonight. AND tomorrow DS4 will be back! Our dog is happy for a while when DS4 is not around, so that he can get ALL of my attention, but after a while, I can tell that he also misses his little competition. DS4 and the dog are really like brothers - they fight for treat and toys, it's so funny. We'll feel like a complete family again tomorrow night when DS4 comes home.

Good night all -
Milk

Agggggh, I knew that it was a mistake when I sat next to this guy last week on the train...!!! This guy was coughing, sneezing, and blowing his nose for the entire train ride (= 1 hour), and I KNEW that I had picked the wrong seat. I did not want to appear rude, but I should have just left....

I started to feel warm in my eyes and chill around my neck (usually the sign for me that I have fever), and I had sore throat and headache last night after the ballet. I really had a bad feeling that I was coming down with something..., besides, I was very, very tired yesterday.

This morning I woke up with a bad sore throat and minor headache. I felt foggy, and I have fever. I could have taken some medication and gone to work, but decided that I needed to rest - I had a very busy week last week, and I just need to rest.

So I stayed home today. Hopefully I will be better tomorrow.

When I called DS4 last night while we were out at the restaurant, WH and I exchanged some words and it still hurts me when I hear his cold and angry voice. When I was watching the performance, I remembered how WH and I used to go see musical, ballet, opera, etc., and I wished he was there with me. But after the show I spoke to him and that brought me back to the reality - that he could care less. He is angry and bitter.

OK, enough, there is nothing I can do about this, and I just have to keep moving...

Milk

I still have sore throat and last night I again had fever, but I took some cold medicine and managed to come to work. So far, I've been doing OK.

I was just thinking last night when I woke up because of my chill I had around my neck & shoulders - why on the earth did I feel SO bad and guilty about WH's unhappiness during our M???

I just remembered a lot of things - soon as we got married, his cheating (EA) started. I found his love letter to a girl he once worked with. Then he later on admitted that he had numerous other incidents like that. When I took an international assignment and lived overseas (which WH is still mad about, although he was the one who told me to take the position), WH signed up for LovaLife and met someone who lived in Alaska. Apparently they were exchanging emails on a regular basis and he actually CONSIDERED going to see her! In the mean time, he was telling me how he missed me and how we should get back together, so I did. I quit my job and came back. I had NO IDEA that WH was cheating on me!

So, what the heck with his excuses such as "Milk always made me feel like a sh$$ and I never felt that she loved me", blah, blah, blah??? While he was chasing 10 other women???

Now I am very convinced. Something is wrong with him and he will never change, unless he somehow becomes so humble and repent. But I do not see that happening - at least in the next decade. Maybe he will never reach the point. His father was a cheater as well, and did not think it was so bad. Maybe it's in WH's gene, who knows.

No wonder WH does not think he loves me anymore. It's not as exciting as cheating or chasing 'new' prays like he used to do. But you know what - he can do this for a while, but as long as he is dealing with 'normal' women, they do not appreciate such games and they want to eventually settle down, and WH would go through the same thing. Or actually while WH is dating a new woman, she may be smart enough to smell this 'oddness' about him and may never develop such deep relationship. I don't know. All I know is that, one day, he will realize that no one will be standing by him, since he is not trust worthy. And often times when you realize this is when you are weak, either physically, financially, or emotionally. So when WH needs a partner the most, he may realize that he had lost everything.

Maybe subconsciously I allowed WH to do this, and he thinks he could get away with it. Even when he said he wanted D, he insisted that he wanted us to remain friends. He even had a nerve to say "then if I realize I had made a mistake, I will come to you to apologize". What, he thinks I will wait for him forever???

Anyway, I thought about the whole thing last night and after that did not feel too bad about our D. He is a serial cheater, and he won't stop anytime soon. I do not need a person like that as my partner.

Milk