Milk, I posted at nearly the same time as you. I'll read yours then comment later.

SS

Hi SS, I just read yours too.

SVB, by the way, I totally relate to your fear. I feel like all the guys I will get close to will have the same/similar problems. For example, I've known this guy for a quite some time - he is nothing like WH, yet, the other day he was telling me about his brother and also what he used to do (okay, SS, you can tease me on this - he was telling me stuff he did INCLUDING owning several motorcycles) when he was young - then all of the sudden, I am finding similarities to WH and I was like "oh, no, he is just like WH!". Also, this happens even when I am talking to my best friend (guy) sometimes. I often feel "wow, he thinks like WH too", and then I would think "so are all men just like this???? Or am I naturally attracted to those types of men????"

So I know where you are coming from. But you have been divorced for a while, haven't even dealt with your xH (which is great!!!), so I'm sure when you really meet the 'right' guy, your excitement will overcome your fear <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Oh, speaking of men....., OK, as SS pointed out, I was sort of having a good time in London. Guys are so cute there!!! I have a weakness towards European guys...., maybe it's their accent, or how they behave or dress or who knows....., but I've met cute German, Dutch, French, Italian, Irish, .... you name it. But I behaved. Don't worry.

It was also nice to know that it was much easier for me to find my size. I'm thin and it is extremely difficult to find clothes here, but back home or in Europe, it's much easier. But dollar is getting so weak that everything seemed very expensive..... And I forgot to claim the refund at the custom. Maybe I can still mail in my receipts.

I am getting sooooooooooo sleepy now. I'll check in later or tomorrow.

Milk

Milk, I have a weakness for foreign men, too. I don't know what it is, either. I used to refer to my exH as my "souvenir."

SS, thanks for bumping my thread. I will reply to you there.... but maybe tomorrow night because it's late and I'm tired. I had to work tonight.

So it is a good thing if you get a job in Europe, SVB <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I'll keep my fingers crossed.

It's nice to have my own PC again. I realized how much I relied on internet, emails and message boards while I did not have the complete freedom of accessing them.

I'll be leaving soon to go home and pick up my son. We are going to Florida this evening.

Milk,
It is sad to read how he goes from one thing to the next looking..........

You can't find happiness by looking outside. It only comes from living right. Until he understands that, he'll continue to look in vain. In a way I feel sorry for him.

Have fun on your trip. I hope you concentrate on you and DS, and forget about everything else.

Look forward to hearing more from you S.
I don't mean to pry - well, I kind of do. Ok, I do, but I'll never admit it.

SS

Hi everyone! I'm back. Our flight was delayed and we didn't get home till past 1am this morning. So my son and I didn't get to bed till like 3am. I'm keeping my son with me at home today (I took another day off, it turned out to be a very good decision!).

I'll update later. We all had a very good time but it's good to be back.

Milk

DS4, my friend, her daughter and I went to FL and we all had a very good time. When I saw happy families (or so they looked), it did make me feel bad a bit b/c DS4 does not have his daddy who can carry him on his shoulders like other fathers were doing. But at the same time, I KNOW that if WH was there with us, he would be sooooo irritated all day long just because of the long waiting time at each ride/show. I'm 5'4 & 100 lbs, and my son must weigh 40 lbs or more, but I put him on my shoulders to show him the parade, and also when he fell asleep I carried him around for an hour. My back and arms were killing me, but that's what my dad used to do when I was little, and I wanted to provide the same thing to DS4, and just b/c his daddy was not there, I did not want him to think he cannot have the same treatment as other kids around.

Since WH had DS4 for about a week when I was in London, he must have gotten used to having him at home and must have missed him even more this past weekend. He called on Saturday on my cell, so I let him speak to DS4 but he was too busy looking at the Peter Pan rides. DS4 didn't really want to speak to him and a part of me was like "well, if you miss him so much, you should have never left your family!" Yesterday morning WH called again to make sure we got back safely. He wanted to pick DS4 up last night for dinner but DS4 was too tired and fell a sleep in the early evening.

BTW, my lawyer sent WH's lawyer a letter and copy of WH's profile on one of the on-line dating services, and asked that WH remove DS4's photo, his name and background information immediately from the website. When I returned from London, I checked to see if I could find WH's info but couldn't, so it appeared that he has deleted his info. Good. My girlfriend who uses online dating service and also is pretty good at checking out someone's background online found another info on WH somewhere else, but there was no info on DS4. So that's good.

My friends are sweet enough to say that WH would never find anyone better than me, but I think what WH is looking for is something completely different. Well, at least for now he thinks that's what he wants. He is NOT looking for a family oriented woman. He is looking for someone to have FUN with. He wants a gorgeous young babe who does not really want to have kids (or at least not now). WH does not want to put up with any more pressure/stress. But since he loves DS4 so much, I wonder how he would feel if he is with some young girl who doesn't even take a good care of DS4 when they are with him. And if he finds someone who is so good to DS4, she must love kids and ultimately she wants to have kids...., which means another pressure for WH.

Anyway, it really does not matter and I do not waste my time trying to figure out WH.

On a separate note - I just received another bill from my attorney. Sigh. It's ridiculous to spend so much to break up your family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Milk

Milk, it sounds like your trip was a good one, despite the physical stress. We took our twins to DW in Florida when they were 4, and they had fun, but don't remember much about it now. I suppose we ought to take them again, but I tend to spend my "spare" time in the wilderness these days.

I am glad you didn't add the "You should have never left your family" comment. He isn't much of a student these days, I doubt if he would learn anything from it.

I laughed (sorry) when I read this part - "He wants a gorgeous young babe........"
I think every man wants a gorgeous young babe, and every women wants a handsome stud. At least at one point in their day dreams. That's what I got when I married, and that's what she got, but oh how her choice went down hill fast. If she had known then what she knows now, I wonder if she would have chosen someone with more enduring looks.

You know what though? Both of us seem very happy with our choice of some 30 years ago.

I think I am kind of lost in the mists of time. I should give you your thread back.

I do know that I looked at many other things when I was looking. I thought she was beautiful then (still do) but I wanted someone I could live with when we were old too. She is all of that for me, and I am glad.

I think over time you will do well. The short term is hard though, isn't it.

SS

Hi SS,

Actually I took DS4 to Tokyo Disney Sea last year but he doesn't seem to remember much either. But this year since he can go on many more rides, he seemed to have enjoyed more. He started to cry though, after one particular ride - I must admit it was very scary. Had I known, I wouldn't have done it even for myself!!

I know, every man wants a gorgeous young babe, that's true - but the thing with WH is that I really do not know what he can offer in return. He is sooooo into himself, I don't know if he can really offer anything right now. He wants freedom yet wants his woman to pay 100% attention. We all know that there are no 'perfect' men/women but it seems he is looking for one. He used to compare me to other women who seemed nicer so I sometimes asked him if he rather wanted to be with them and he would say "no, because they are not good looking". Then if there are good looking women, he would say "she is too aggressive". But he is far from perfection! His counselor has told him that WH is looking for his mother who passed away when he was 22 months. I agree.

Anyway, it's so nice to hear that you still maintain the same love, desire and respect for your wife. Why can't many other guys do the same instead of quickly start looking elsewhere???

After two weeks of traveling, I'm pretty tired and glad the week is almost over. Tomorrow WH will come to pick up DS4. I really don't look forward to meeting him...

Don't know why, maybe because of the holiday season, but I felt a bit of a setback this weekend and missed WH. I missed having my own family and doing things together.

I have to be strong though... WH is proceeding with divorce, so it's so unhealthy for me to still feel this way...

My attorney just called to set up a 4-way conference in early January. I'm depressed...

Just talked to my friend and BIL to vent. There is NOTHING we can do. WH wants to get this done ASAP and move on. He thinks he will be happier after getting rid of me and DS4, so what else can I do???

I think I'm feeling sad because of the sense of finality of it.... I need to move on, I need to move on, I need to move on............................................

I sense some pain today.

Sorry it has to be this way. I know you didn't want it.

Lets change things around a little bit.

Tell me what you get excited about these days -
What makes you happy?

When you day dream about good things, what are the dreams like?

SS

Thanks SS. Guess today was bad enough that even the thoughts of those things I could get excited about a month ago are not helping much. But I will try to focus on those ideas.

My self esteem is not really here with me today..., and I feel like no one will ever think of me as a good-hearted person again. Once they get to know me, they may start to feel like WH did towards me.... I know it's so unhealthy to think like this but I am not very cheerful today.

There is a feel associated with each person here - for me.

Some feel strong, aware, helpful.

Some feel tired, sad, hurt.

You are strong, upbeat, happy.

Even when you are having a hard time, I get that from you.

You are better than you know. When you think about it, and when you use logic, you know I am right.

Use your strengths to focus - you are good at that. Have the good thoughts over take the bad.

It is well to dwell on our blessings in hard times.

Healing usually takes time. It is often difficult (grin.)

Remember who you are. Remember who you want to be. Don't let thoughts stay in your mind that don't support why you are trying to become. Concentrate on good things. Believe your future will be bright. Then go out and make it so.

If none of that works for you, remember your mother loves you. (grin)

SS

Thank you SS, your warm and kind words really touched me.

When I am feeling very low, I look around and feel that every other woman is a better person and I am the most horrible woman to be with. Even when I hear stories about very nasty, selfish, cold and irresponsible women, I tend to look for similarities with me and feel "oh my God, I could be her. I may not necessarily do THAT, but in other people's eyes, we may be the same type of people!" I never realized that losing WH's love and respect for me has such a damaging effect on my self esteem.

In the past, before all this crazy stuff happened, whenever I hear stories about so-and-so doing really bad things, I felt "wow, how could they do anything like that??", and didn't categorized myself in the same group. But now, sometimes I can't even tell if I am that much better than those who steal from and murder others. Sometimes I just can't feel like I am a good person.

Really, I never realized that being betrayed by someone can mess up your psychology in addition to of course emotions…..

But I talked to two more friends and my mom yesterday and felt a little better by the time I went to pick up my son. I have to remember good qualities I have and that no one is perfect. At least I’m honest and trying to improve myself…….., also I need to remind myself that WH is not a saint either.

Thanks for your encouragement, SS, you always make me feel better.

Milk

I still can't believe that WH, who was all over me and kept saying that he could not live without me, does not love me anymore. That sense of rejection really making me lose my confidence in life and about myself. Is this normal to feel this way still after two years?

Why am I having this setback? I thought I have made a lot of progress over the past year.

(((((milkshake)))))

It's so natural to feel like that. The one person who we put our whole heart and soul into .... who we would give anything for .... just throws that away like it's nothing.

Are you in IC? My IC had me make a list of all the negative thoughts that come up .... then, rationally, seriously analyze them and find the real truth -- and write that down, too. Next to the thought.

So, for example:
"every other woman is a better person."

Your 'truth statement' could be:
"It doesn't do any good to compare myself with any other women. I am always making myself a better person."

Or:
"I am the most horrible woman to be with."

"I am not horrible to be with, I have these qualities that make me desirable and fun to be with ......"


You have to adjust the truth statements to ring true with you, to be real and right and rational. You have to do this part of the exercise when you're feeling ok, and not too beaten up at the moment. It might not hurt to have people help with some of this part.

The idea is that once you've made your list and statements, you read them out loud to yourself regularly, carry the list around with you if you need to .... and then everytime one of those thoughts comes up for you, you intentionaly catch it and have an instant reminder available about what the real, rational truth is. You don't have to try to be rational when the thought comes because you've already done that part.

You start training your brain to automatically catch those thoughts and dismiss them quickly, with the truth. And then they can't swirl around and beat you up until you're a pile of mush.

It seems like a lot of work, but it helped me a lot. And it seeme like it would be perfect for the feelings you wrote about here.

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way about yourself. It seems like that makes everything that much harder to take.

(((hugs)))

-AmI.

Thanks AMI. I used to talk to my IC, but haven't done so in a while. She talked about similar exercise as well, and I did that, but I know how I am feeling is not accurate in my head, so I can put down the 'right' and 'rational' answers. Yet I cannot help but to feel very low. So what do I do? Also, this is kind of pitiful, but when I reject these unhealthy thoughts about myself and try to believe that I have good qualities too, another part of myself tells me "you are not humble enough and that's what drove WH away". So the evil voice makes me feel bad again. When I can sustain more neutral thoughts about ME and US, I do better, but I think I tend to think it was more my fault than WH's, and that really tortures me b/c he does not forgive me.

OK, I need to stop. I'm glad though I have a place where I can vent and where people truly understand what I am saying and feeling.

Thank you for your advice. I will start writing down my thoughts again.

Milk