Try this in your hunt for the OM'sW.

http://www.peoplesearch.smarthosting.com/free/search_aw.shtml

A private eye could find her in 48 hours, I bet, for not too much of a fee, if you can't find her on a free service.

You are getting good advice here. Read all you can beginning at the home page, and purchase your own copy of "Surviving an Affair" and study it from cover to cover. It is your map to a long and arduous journey.

Best wishes,
SD

Okay MrsWondering, I did not disclose my sources for the information I recieved, I stuck with my battle plan and it seemed to go well.

She said her mind was clear and that is most likely a lie. She also said that she has slept better than she has in months recently. I attribute this to the fact that she feels a sense of relief. I'm sure it would be difficult to sleep when you are hiding something of this nature from your husband.

I also started putting up some boundaries. I told her I would tell her how I was feeling, I told her how I felt about the affair.

One of her last comments to me was what really struck a chord. She mentioned how she was asking her mom to butt out of her business which leads me to believe that her mom IS putting pressure on her. To be proactive on that I sent her mother a letter detailing my experience of the affair.

WW also mentioned that she was tired of what everyone thought and was capable of being on her own and how companionship dictates a huge part of lives. I had to bite my tongue hard on that one. Those statements, especially right now are very thought provoking. If she was capable of being on her own then why is she with OM? That companionship IS dictating a huge part of our life. *argh*
Oh well, I kept my cool, and started the boundaries and hopefully can keep having positive days.

I called a PI in the state where they are and with the very minimal information I have (2 phone numbers of OM and not OMW and no name of wife) it would run me 1000 dollars.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Please allow me to pop in from time and time and just comment based on MY experience.

You will not win any argument based on logic.

My WW "no one in the SE USA understands me and him because that is a very conservative part of the world". (OM#2 was mid-eastern).

Also..."I know what the Bible says, but God understands me and knows it's okay because I really love him" (She is the D of a Baptist minister).

I could go on and on. You WILL NOT win any logic based argument.

Have you tried doing a reverse phone number search? They are either free or very cheap to do...try one of these, or google some up yourself.

Sorry for what you are going through, bro. I admire you for working the problem. Hang in there.

http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=reverse...p=&ei=UTF-8

The two phone numbers I have are a cell number that is OM's and OM's new residence number. I don't have any number linked to the wife. WW is still telling me she is going back to her hometown at the end of the week and I'm hoping that her mother will put more pressure on her as I have stated to her mother the events that took place. We'll see what happens. Right now my WW is speaking to me through IM chat. How often should I bring up that what she's doing is hurting me without sounding repetetive everyday? Should I chat with her outside of the realm of the affair (i.e. small talk)? Or should I always be on point and then leave the chat?

So here's the update. WW has told her parents whom I have told my side of the affair to not to correspond with me as she doesn't want them to be influenced by me. I have told her that I would continue communicating with her parents regardless of whether they respond. I told her I was doing this for the good of the marriage. The other day she told me she had told her mom to butt out and keep her opinions to herself. To me this means her mom IS putting pressure on her. Would it be wise to expose to her parents that I know she has told them not to communicate with me in my next email?

So here is an update on my current situation. WW is still with OM in a state thousands of miles away from me. We talk almost everyday on an instant message chat for an hour or so. I am working Plan A as best as I can. However, lately I've begun to feel as if I am being used to pass the time for boredom while OM is off at work and I don't believe she is coming back to live with me anytime soon was wondering if it is time to implement a Plan B? Does this seem feasible given the situation? I'm running out of words to help my cause and with her essentially living with OM it makes my resentment twice as bad. It has only been 2 months since I found out about the A and a month since she left and basically started living with him. I love her very much and there have been signs of a turn for the better, but without commitment to even return to me I'm afraid that my resentment will only be heightened by her being with the OM and having that whole situation right in my face.

I desperately need advice on this so anyone who can help I would truly appreciate it.

okay... sorry you are here and in my opinion you should cease all communication with your ex. No phone calls, no IM, no letters. Let her wonder about you for a change. If you have not clearly defined what she needs to do to get back in the marriage do so... and then go dark after total and complete exposure.

As far as finding the om w... that shouldn't be too hard. People are tied to one another on these search sites. If you have his information... you can come up with hers. There are sites... usa-people-search.com comes to mind where you can easily narrow it down with some simple detective work. Buy yourself a week membership and before long you will have her name and address as well as the OM parents and any other person that he has lived with. It really is scary all the stuff you can find out about people. The PI will do the same thing so don't waste your money.

Good morning AK. Don't forget that your wife's relationship with this man began on the Internet....so it is possible to fill some of her needs there. I'd still like you to exhaust your resources for exposure....but then yes, I think going to Plan B is a reasonable step to take considering the length of your marriage. If you feel as though you're close to giving up and losing all love for her....then that's a reasonable time to go to Plan B. Let the OM try (and fail) to fulfill all her needs, and let her feel the boredom of separating herself from all who love her to be alone with him in place where she's isolated. Does she have any siblings or close friends who are also filling her lonely hours? Those would be other good targets for exposure.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

OK AK - here's my recommendation.

Two parallel paths:

1. Upon her return to her parents, attempt to spend some time with her and Plan A your butt off. Make your home pristine. She complained about you doing chores, so spruce up the place and show it off. Pick up your underwear. Clean out the frig of those leftovers and make it sparkle. Make the place smell good. Plant some flowers. All the while get ready for Plan B. After a relatively short period of this pristine Plan A, go to Plan B. Send a copy of the letter to her parents. Go dark.

2. In parallel, secure your finances. Divide any joint accounts 50/50 and withdraw your half. Cancel any joint credit cards. In short, prepare for permanent separation. All the while, if she asks about this stuff, explain to your wife (in Plan A) that you want nothing more than to rebuild your marriage, but that you have to protect yourself from the unknown.

Do you own your home or rent? What kind of liquid assets to you jointly own? Property - real and personal? Who pays for health insurance, home bills, automobiles, etc.?

The logic I recommend is to maintain your vigilance for the marriage while preparing for it to dissolve. Hedge your bets. Don't make any moves towards divorce - leaving that to her since she's made the first two moves - having an affair and moving out. In the end you'll either get a chance to rebuild your marriage, or it'll dissolve by her doing alone. In the latter case, you exit guilt free and WAY smarter for your next relationship.

JMHO

Many thanks everyone. I have tried to hunt down OMW exhaustively through websites and what not even to the extent of calling a PI in his homestate. At this point I think that is not an option anymore. I have talked to her parents regarding the affair and they backed up their daughter. I guess I couldn't really expect much more. Much of the past was brought up and they said they just wanted her to be happy. I am glad I was able to speak with them at least to tell them my side of the story but I felt that during the conversation I was talking to a brickwall.

I think that I am close to Plan B at this point, I am going to begin my letter this weekend and hope for the best. I wish it didn't have to come to this but without any commitment to return home I feel I have no other recourse. I will continue doing Plan A until such time and make sure that she doesn't see B coming.

Her parents also live in another state far far away from me so even upon her return the only communication I'll have is via phone, e-mail, and chat. She has severed nearly all ties to her home with me. We are renters and I believe there is only one credit card with her name on it. All financial accounts that have any money are seperate. I pay for health insurance. Should I find out about removing her from this?

Would anyone be able to give me any links to places to find good examples of a Plan B letter as well?

Is her health insurance a spouse addition to your employer plan or to your personal plan? - or is it a separate policy with just her on it?

Check the rules for cancellation - you may not be able to do this before divorce for some employer plans.

As for Plan B letters, recommend you start with the sample in Surviving An Affair. There are other examples frequently posted here for comment. You can do a search usng "Plan B letter" in the subject only field.

I know it's hard to consider right now, but you're looking at a valuable learning experience. If you approach the potential end of your marriage with an open mind and apply what you learn here in the process, you'll be WAY ahead of your peers for your next relationship.

WAT

AKMAN,

I will take a wild guess here and assume you live in Alaska. I lived in Anchorage for 6 years and can tell you, AK is not very "woman friendly" or "marriage friendly". The long dark winters don't help any M that is not the best when you move up there. And the alcohol consumption per capita is the highest.

If I am wrong, then is my face red!

But EVERYTHING is a thousand miles away up there..and it is a helpless feeling when you are up there and the one that is the source of your love and well being is in the lower 48 living w/OM.

Plan B (or D) will be your only salvation while you are up there. It is just tearing you up IMing with her to cure her boredom. I agree with you that she is doing this to pass the time.

You are young, no kids, and the W does not sound like she wants to come back. Now is that come back to you? Or come back to AK?? So you must stay up there?? AK is man friendly. Some guys would rather live there than anywhere else NO MATTER WHAT! Are you one of those?

Again, if you are in IRAQ or somewhere else I apologize. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

AK...I've not read your entire thread, but my sitch sounds very familiar.

My WW is also living on and off with OM thousands of miles away. In fact she is within weeks of moving out there permanently.

Perhaps I'm not the best person to be giving advice to you right now, but from what I've read of your sitch, I would plan A when she is "home" and go dark when she is away.

This is what I try to do, but we have a 5 yr old and I don't want to come between her and her mother so I am forced to talk when my WW is away with OM.

I have a few questions regarding plan B. First of all, I am working Plan A over the internet which is all the contact I get from my wife. She has been living with OM for nearly a month and says she is going home this coming sunday. However, she has said this once before and other lies prior to this about where she was going and all. I was thinking of implementing Plan B this week to save myself the utter heartbreak of another lie that she will be returning to her parents. We are still talking via IM on weekdays, but I am so afraid of the letdowns.

On the other side of that coin is this. Plan A is getting no reception from WW as is stated in "Surviving the Affair". How does one stay true to ones cause under such circumstances? I understand that her emotional needs are being met by two people at the moment. But none of mine are being met at all. How can I deal with these? I find myself missing many things and resent the fact that she is having her cake and eating it to. Can anyone give me suggestions as to how to deal with these?

AKman8,

I would echo mkeveryday.In addition I would send her a bill for 50 % of the apartment rent, insurance,utility bills and every other debt that you can think of. Make sure you put an expected date of payment and send the bills registered mail.

Empty ANY joint bank accounts and any other joint assets. Hold these in a separate account, since you may have to give a portion back. This will entail your bubblehead WW engaging an attorney, which would be just one more expense.Unless the OM is rich, his attempts to be your wife's sugar daddy will fail quickly as his own legal bills add up.

In short make this as painful economically, legally and personally that you can

I fear that unless your WW is walloped with a HUGE 2 x 4, she will not hit reality and need to face ALL of its' consequences.

Once Plan B is implemented what is expected of me? My own emotional needs still will not be met. I feel like it is still a holding pattern of sorts.