I've read ALOT about kids and D. Saw videos of actual kids talking about how it affected them. It broke my heart.It affected their lives so much. It was so very sad. Who turned to drugs, alcohol, got pregant at 16, etc, etc. This video followed people through age 30. They were still affected then!

I'm blaming myself now that since I filed for D, I'm the one causing these kids a lifetime of pain. As I said, maybe we could have worked things out.

D affects these kids more than we ever can imagine. Might not see it now, but when they start their own relationships, it could surface then.

My kids are acting out a lot lately. IC said it's realted to this situation. Not fair that kids have to be in IC. They should be enjoying their lives!

It saddens me more than I can ever say to know that WH put them in a situation that they now have no choice. They didnt ask us to be their parents. They thought they'd have 2 parents living together as a family forever. Isn't that how it should be??!!!

His selfishness to have an A, and he could care less how it's hurting them. He told me he doesn't see a difference in them when he takes them once a week. Sure, cuz he's not living with them 24/7!

OW's parents know WH has kids, knows he's old enough to be her father. They are not happy at all with her living with him. Wants her to come back home, but OW doesn't care what her parents think. Now that she's filed D, she'll never leave WH.

All we can do is hang in there, we have no choice. I take comfort in knowing that I will NEVER abandon my kids and hopefullly someday my kids will see that I was the one always there for them.

You can search my years of posts here (not a regular, but added up, I've posted quite a bit). You will NEVER EVER find a post that will even hint at the tone I'm going to give this response...but here it goes....

That man is a DickWad. (there, I said it).

The whole story stinks, of course. But the fact that he called DCS on you goes beyond reason. If they believed him, or at least "doubted" you, the possibility existed that those children could have been taken away and put into a foster home. Sure, there are a lot of very very good foster families out there, AND, there are a lot who do it for the CASH. Don't give a damn about the kids. Your kids could have ended up in that situation, maybe for months, while they sorted through the crap he threw out there.

SHAME ON HIM! Disgusting piece of dirt. I will say no more about him.

As for you, Stone, I am impressed with you, a lot. You are articulate. You have a sense of humour (even in the midst of this chaos he and his wee one tossed into your world). You will survive this, and I have NO DOUBT that you will end up in a much healthier state of mind because of it. And, down the road, who knows.... Love can come again, and if it does, it certainly couldn't be any worse, could it????

You're going to have to trudge through the mud for awhile, because he'll keep slinging it. But, there will come a point when all is done, the papers are signed, the divorce is a done deal, and you will be free.

And he'll go onto some next young thing, again and again. His story is already written. Yours is open-ended.

Everything WSish Tool has done, especially calling the authorities, was terrible.

I also understand the pain each of you has been in, and why you would feel as if there is no hope at all, SC, Catgirl, and Janet.

But "once a cheater always a cheater" is not always true, and at least for me, the point in the A where I felt the lowest, and could not see any hope that he would ever change, was just the point where all perdition broke loose in Fantasyland.

At the same time, SC, if you decide to divorce, and I wouldn't blame you a bit if you did, you MUST NOT take upon yourself one teeny tiny bit of blame for what happens to the children, or of what anyone thinks of you, or him.

IT IS ALL HIS FAULT!!!!!!

I will give you a cyberhug {{{{{SC}}}}} as I ask this question so you know I am not being mean, but why are you pretending everything is fine to the other parents?

"Stone, how are you?"

"Fairly well, considering that my husband has been having an affair for the last ___ months with Ms. Babydoll."

I am not kidding in the least. These are wonderful exposure opportunities that you need to use. Do not hide his affair from anyone. Tell everyone you can.

It doesn't even matter what you want about the marriage. Even if you divorce, you don't want your children exposed to the affair, so it is imperative to still try and kill it for their sakes, even if you never reconcile. Also, Tool is incapable of being a good father while he is a WS. This is ALL for your kids.

And if your home breaks up, you maintain as much stability as you can for them, knowing that you went above and beyond to give them a chance at an unbroken home, but that their father CHOSE his little toy instead of their happiness. Not your fault at all!!!

Tool might step up at this point and surprise you the way my husband, Star's husband, and many others have done.

It still doesn't make any of this your fault, and if he is trying to tell you that, he has not yet changed.

Never take your WS back, but a FWS is worth at least considering.

I am totally in love with Neak right now.

Like ga-ga!

- Kimmy, who is Neak's new cheerleader! gggGGGOOOO Neak!

I find myself feeling suddenly....CHEERED. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Have I mentioned that I adore you, too?

Neak, I know that "once a cheater, always a cheater" is not always so. It's not JUST the cheating that floors me with this guy. Calling the authorities and lying is beyond "fog", it's mean, it is horrid, it is selfish, it is immature. It goes beyond WRONG. I think cheating is awful. I think there are few things that are worse. To me, putting his children in the potential situation of being removed from their parents so that he can "get back" at his wife (who has EVERY right to be angry)shows a character flaw that I'd personally not want to have to deal with...esp. on top of his other stuff.

But, I'm Pollyanna. IF he is capable of turning his life around, I would wish the two of them the very best, and mean it. But, I'm skeptical...very skeptical.

He should be down on his knees begging forgiveness.

Thanks ladies, for the ideas and feedback. I'm still feeling down, but it comes in waves, rather than happening all the time.

Neak, here's the thing about exposure...
First, Tool claims the A is over (again). While there is still probably phone contact, I can't prove anything else, at this time. I know, this is still contact, and so really the "A" is still "on."

Second, exposing to the folks at school means that we will become dinner table gossip, and I KNOW that students are going to corner DD9 and DS5 and say, "I heard your momma and daddy are divorcing, because yer daddy's cheatin' with a 20 year old." Now, the concept of cheating may be lost on the children, but the concept of divorce certainly isn't.

And, coward that I am, I have not confirmed to the children that we are divorcing. I will tell them AFTER I file, b/c if there's one thing worse than D for the children, it's a parent who threatens D and doesn't follow thru. I find that abusive, so they will be the "last to know." Sure, they may suspect, but as long as mom and dad aren't fighting, and we show up to school events together, the kids still have hope, so I'm waiting to break the news.

Third, I've exposed to a number of people, and have gotten a lot of support. However, as you know, folks have different ways of ~supporting~ in this sitch. Some are the "just let me know how I can help" kind of supporters, and others are the "I never want to talk to the lyin', cheatin' ba$[censored] again" type. Already, my family has decided he is "dead" to them. They are in mourning. They do not want to hear ANY talk of attempts at reconcilliation. While they know I'm far from perfect, they see the effect this A has had on me. They see the negative situation I'm in, and they think it's the best thing that could have happened.

This is why I didn't expose to my family the first time--b/c I KNEW there would be no going back. Now that they know all the gory details, including the DCF call, they will NEVER forgive Tool. It's going to be awkward at graduations, weddings and funerals FOREVER.

While I still have no regrets for exposing, and still have no intentions to reconcile, further exposure does not seem to be prudent. My closest friends and family know, and they may tell others, but I don't want my kids to be part of the rumor mill around here. Does that make any sense?

It makes absolutely perfect sense to me.

Well, Toolman had an appt. with Steve Harley today.

I wonder if he mentioned to Harley that he STOLE 12K out of one of our savings accounts. He was trying to hide it, opened a secret bank account, and hid the $$ and the record of it. I just noticed the 12K deduction from our IRA and Investment summary.

If he took it from an IRA account he likely needed YOUR signature to do so....did he FORGE your signature.

Follow up with the bank and make sure that they are aware of the situation. A familiar banker will just trust your husband when he says, "sure stonecold signed the distribution form right there". They need to know NOT to trust your husband right now.

Mr. Wondering

He is beginning to rank up there with D23B on my Creep'o'meter.

I'm mad as a wet cat for you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Oh you had to go and mention D23B.

I thought I felt a chill.

Sorry Noodlebug.

Ok, it WASN'T out of an IRA, just one of our investment accounts (we get a statement with the IRAs and the regular investments). I thought ALL of our investments were IRA-type investments. Turns out Tool apparently had saved about $50K while we were dating, and he dropped it into some Mutual Fund or something.

Even though that account has been there all along, I guess I just figured it was an IRA. Guess it's all "his money" as he puts it, since he brought it into the M. Funny, though, since before we were M, when we started dating, we were both penniless. I made more than him for the first 5 years of our R, but somehow, he managed to save that huge chunk of cash w/out telling me. I'll go back and check the history on this account, though. I'm doubly pissed however, since,
(1) I paid for the majority of our "partying" as young adults, since he said he was so poor. Guess that was b/c he was paying himself first. Which would make sense, IF we were sharing it. We weren't and we aren't.
(2) He opened a secret bank account and made that withdrawl from the portfolio w/out telling me a thing.
He claims it's all spelled out on the spreadsheet he gave me for the finances, but he buried it inside of another existing account, to hide the presence of the new account. He also is holding onto about $4200 in "mad money" to pay his attorney retainer. I was planning on borrowing from my family to pay my retainer.

This just sucks and sucks and sucks some more.

I can't believe he's even fooled Steve Harley into believing he can change. Tool's giving me the "if we divorce, it's because YOU wanted it" bullchit.

So tell me about D23B--can I learn some lessons here?

Ok, is D23B the X of Momto3Boys? I'll have to re-read her threads.

Yep, I can understand you not wanting news to get back to the kids that way.

(But I'll bet if you borrowed a can of Melody Lane's Aquanet, you'd tell everybody everything, lol. Shoot, you'd probably take out an ad in the paper, buy all the billboards in town, and wear a sandwich board when you left the house.)

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Another sleepless night for me. It just keeps getting worse and worse. After yesterday's finacial revelations, I cannot see another path, other than divorce. Steve Harley keeps saying that the path to the happy marriage might be around the corner, but I don't even see a corner.

I can't understand how this is supposed to work. I'm starting a new job on Monday, in a new profession, and I should be excited. Right now, I just feel dred, b/c I know that the kids are gonna get sick, and Tool will be too busy surfing or something to come over to watch them.

If you were to tell me last July that I would have had this past year ahead of me, I might have considered suicide. Now that I'm in it, I just slog thru, in some kind of haze. Well, life goes on. No one has a guarantee of happiness, do they? Time to get my DD9 off to school.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

{{{{{SC}}}}}

Thanks, Neak. Hugs back at you!

In a gesture of trust, Tool allowed me to pop into his office and get on his computer to see who he's been emailing, etc. Guess the good news is there wasn't anything from the Troll on there.

I was saddened by another email thread, though. Remember how Tool said I was Bipolar? Well, I got an email from the Dr. Phil show (I don't know why I get these, but that's another story) saying they had an upcoming episode about Bipolar disorder. I emailed it to Tool, thinking, ok, if he got to see REAL Bipolar in action, he'd stop calling me that.

Instead, I uncovered a thread where he forwarded the Dr. Phil thing to his mom, asked her to tape the show for him. She emails back, "That's really sickening." He says, "Yeah, that's my life, every day. Did ya tape it?"

So, I'm really bummed. I'll have to watch the tape, but basically, I'm mad that he's going around telling people that's what his life is like...BECAUSE IT'S NOT.

Maybe I'll have to add delusional to my list of psychiatric disorders, because I just don't see any of this. I don't want to be married to a man who thinks this is what I am, and I don't want to be related to him. Too late for that, I guess. Now, I'm stuck trying to figure out how to manage someone who has decided they are managing me.

Stone,

WS's behave JUST like bi-polars in a manic episode. So it's likely a transference thing. That along with some blame shifting.

Thinking he can have/maintaint a family and a 20 year baby for a sex kitten...now that IS a dellusion of grandeur.

His energy and anxiety as he flipped from real life to fantasy life and back again likely furhter supports such diagnosis of HIM:

Racing thoughts
Lack of sleep
overproductive Sex drive
INFIDELITY
narcisstic tendencies
Above the law
absolute authority
controlling
Self -centeredness

I'm just going off the top of my head...but Toolman sounds far more bi-polar lately than you ever have to me.

Mr. Wondering