Hello everyone.

I'm new here and I need some advice. I've been very happily married for 10 years (3 wonderful kids). I'm 36 and just recently went back to work after being a stay-at-home-mom for 5 years.

When I went back to work, I developed a friendship with a male co-worker. An emotional attachment instantly formed. Long story short, I have changed jobs, but occassionally my "friend" will still call and we can chat for an hour at a time.

There has never been anything physical, but I'm afraid if I don't get control of this emotional attachment - it might. We try to have "no contact", but it seems one of us always ends up calling the other.

My husband knows that I have friends from my former workplace and he is fine with that, but he doesn't know that I have this emotional connection with this other man. I don't want to have the connection. It's just there - maybe I'm just in a fog.

I do not want to hurt my marriage or OM marriage. Is the only answer that I need to end the friendship with this OM? I am trying, but I need someone's help on how to do it without missing him. Why can't I just let it go?

I'm very happy in my marriage and all my EN are being met. I don't know why this is happening and I want to end the EA, but it's like I can't. This is very uncharacteristic for me. Please help!

Very simple.

Dump the friend forever, fess up to your H about it.

Use the confession as a spring board to strengthen your marriage.

Hi first-

As WAT says- it is simple but not easy. I've been there, and it takes time. Your husband will help you. This is an opportunity for you both.

Good luck!

Also- going back to work after being out for a while is a transition and can be somewhat stressful. It may be why you were a bit vulnerable, even though your marriage is happy.

If you can identify what your friend does for you, then you can figure out why you feel unable to "give him up". Once you pin that down, you might make some progress. But definitely you need your husband's support while you are in withdrawal.

Good luck and post your progress- there's a lot of great advice here for you.

Firstimer, welcome to this board - you’ve come to the right place for help and advice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I’m a FWW who was involved in a similar friendship & EA than you (although mine was mostly on e-mail) so I know how you feel and the internal struggles you are currently going through.

The first step you need to take is to tell your H about the EA and the emotional connection you have with the OM.

Yes, you have to end it and have NO CONTACT with the OM. You need to send OM a NC (No Contact) letter which much be approved by your H before you send it. If you're not going to do this (end ALL contact with OM) the emotional attachement and connection to OM will not cease and then you and OM's M's will remain in danger.

You struggle to let it go because you’re addicted to OM and have this emotional attachment to him. There is NO WAY you can end this EA without missing him. You WILL miss him. As soon as you start having No Contact with OM, you will also go through withdrawal. For full information on this and guidelines on how to help yourself getting through withdrawal, please click the link to the withdrawal guide in my signature line below.

Not all A’s happen because of unmet meets in a M. My EA also didn’t happen because of unmet needs in my M. (I will post more info for you on this later on).

You CAN end it, but the only way you can do it is by first taking the most 2 important steps e.g:

1. Tell your H.
2. Send a NC-letter to OM.

The above is really the 2 most important steps you need to take to start recover from this and have an open and honest M with your H… Those 2 steps will not be easy, but it's simple... And your H is the best one to help you restrain from contacting the OM and to help you recover from this.

An EA can happen very easily if not cautious & carefull…and most people who became involved in A’s say it was very out of character for them. (My EA was out of character for me too.)

I will send you some links on a NC-letter and a Recovery Guide (and other links) soon.

To elaborate, first, please recognize your difficulty in severing ties with this friend is directly due to the addictive nature of affairs. When you interact with him you get a jolt of dopamine in your brain that fires the pleasureable response feedback - just like what drugs do. Dopamine is the love drug.

There is no antidote except fortitude.

Ya gotta go off this cold turkey.

No "weening" yourself. No little by little.

Depending on your level of addiction, you'll go thru withdrawal - just like with any other addiction.

You say all your ENs were being met in your marriage. You are either fooling yourself or trying to fool us.

If this were true, this "friend" would not have become addictive.

Try to identify what your H wasn't doing that this guy was doing. This is where involvement with your H is crucial. Yes, he's gonna be hurt. We can help you with your confession plan.

WAT

Firstimer, here is the links and other info I said I will send to you (just click on the links):

On recovery after you’ve informed your H about the EA:
A Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives

On how to end contact with OM:
Sample NC-letters

Also read the following Dr Harley have to say about the NC-letter:

”How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.”

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

I don’t want to start a ‘debate’ on this newcomer’s thread, but I have to disagree with you here WAT… A’s don’t always happen only because of unmet EN’s in a M.

I think the basic premise -- Unmet ENs = Logical reason to have an Affair -- is flawed. The issue of 'why' people have affairs (or become vulnerable to A's) is too complex for this simple approach. The reasons are many and varied.

Here is my personal take on this (in a nutshell) of 'why' WS's stray and/or can become vulnerable to an A:

[color:"blue"] 1) Unmet EN’s and/or problems in a M
2) Pure selfishness and/or a character flaws and/or lack of morals/boundaries.
3) For reasons/ circumstances other than problems/issues within the M e.g. personal problems/issues and baggage a person bring into the marriage and/or personal weaknesses & vulnerabilities and/or failure of WS to protect themselves against their own weaknesses/vulnerabilities.
4) Combination of the above.[/color]

Also read this:

"Falling in love with someone other than your spouse is not caused by unmet needs in your marriage. It is caused by a failure to protect your own weaknesses." Steven W. Harley, M.S.

from http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi050_sample.html

Hi firsttimer,

My husband had a similar EA with a girlfriend from 35 years ago. His was an e-mail, text message, phone call EA. He actually was in a big fog and ended up secretly meeting her. That is when he became uncomfortable and brought her home to meet me and the kids. Well, of course I figured a few things out based on the meeting and started questioning him.

Once he heard my questions about the relationship, he became very uncomfortable about what he had done. He had been fooling himself and blocking the serious nature of his actions.

Until he actually saw her and me in the same room together, he had not admitted to himself that he was doing something wrong. He had in a vague way told himself that since there was nothing physical between them that it was ok. Also, since he had told her he was happily married--that it was ok. Like your H, I knew he had contacted her--that made it "OK" in my husband's fog mind.

Anyway, it is possible that once you tell your husband and he starts asking you the questions I asked my husband, you will view this emotional attachment from your H's perspective and you will find it much easier to have "no contact".

Every day that my husband communicated with OW, he said to himself, I should tell Lake about this to normalize it. But he did not tell me. It was addictive for him. Once he told me he had no problem with the no contact letter and is relieved to have no contact. He looks back at the relationship with no fondness, only discomfort. But if he had not "told" me about it by bringing her to the house, I think he would have gone on and on with it.

You are aware of the EA and want to quit and have tried to quit, but cannot quit. That is why you need to tell your H. This will help you to quit!!

Also, you will be a better W than my H was a H because you will be coming to your H in a forthright manner, not in a weird manner (bringing her home to relieve guilt while still planning to keep up the EA).
Good Luck
Lake

Firstimer, you will also benefit from reading the following threads:

15 Steps Of Unfaithfulness

(The above thread will especially helpful/insightful if you’re of the opinion that your EA ‘just happened’.)

Emotional infidelity in the workplace

(There are many guidelines on the above thread on how to help ‘affair-proof’ your M; keep temptation at arms length and help you establishing healthy boundaries with people/friends of the opposite sex – which might help prevent you from becoming involved in a similar situation in future.)

If you feel 'discouraged' you will also benefit from reading the 'For encouragment' link in my signature line. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take care,
Suzet

Yes, Suz - you are correct.

I was assuming for the moment that this was a garden variety EA.

WAT

WAT, I don't want to sound dumb, but what on earth is a 'garden variety EA'? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

At least where I grew up, "garden variety" means "the usual" or "prevalent" kind. Most typical. Not a "special" variety.

WAT

Wow, thank you all so much for your words of compassion and encouragement. I really needed to hear the hard truth. I kept trying to justify this relationship as just a really good friendship, but I can now see (15 steps to unfaithfulness) that I am (was) headed down the wrong path.

It still isn't going to be easy going "cold turkey" without any contact with OM, but I know I can do it - it just takes time, right (the worst being the first 3 weeks, right)?

My husband and kids mean the world to me and I will do whatever it takes to keep our family in tact. The only EN I can see that is not being met is that our kids take up an incredible amount of time and attention. We have little left at the end of the day to give each other. We've become parents instead of staying the couple we once were.

When OM and I talked at work, there were no distractions, no kids, no bills. We could just really connect. It was horrible of me to let the connection get as strong as it did, but now I'm right in the middle of it. It hurts to think that I can never speak with him again. I know that is the answer though and over time, he won't have this effect on me.

I'm reluctant to share all the details with my husband as I am going to try to go through the withdrawal and recovery alone so as to not hurt him. He is a wonderful person and this EA is over so why should I open it all back up - especially if I'm trying to heal.

Thanks again for all your words of wisdom. I truly am learning alot about myself through this whole experience. Some good - some bad. I really am trying to not have feelings for this OM - I want to not feel anything for him. Hopefully over time - it will all go away.

Thanks again!

What is a few weeks of misery compared to your marriage and happiness for the rest of your life?

Get at least 15 hours per week alone time with H. Get baby sitters/ family members. Tell them your marriage depends on it- it does.

No baby, no tv, no anything but you two. And do something with him.

why should you be emotionally honest with your husband?

because ....


you want to be intimate with him

lies and secrets are deadly to intimacy

PLUS ... there is a wolf at the door ... YOU know it's there but you have not told your husband about the wolf ... if your husband KNEW about this wolf ... he could help YOU stay away from the wolf ... your husband has the right to protect himself from this danger

don't you agree, in principle?

Pep

I just talked to the OM and we both mutually decided to have no contact - that our marriages and families are just too important to risk. I'm feeling freedom that I'm done with being stuck in this situation, but anxiety that I've lost a very close friend.

I'm sure the next few weeks/months will be hard and full of temptation, but I will try to be strong and focus on my marriage and my family. Thanks again for all the support. I really appreciate it!

This secret will not bind you emotionally with your husband ... sharing the truth will

Pep

firstimer - you're not done.

You can't just sweep this under the rug and go about focusing on your family.

Ya gotta come clean with your H.

Else you'll be here again - for the same reason.

There's no real healing without complete disclosure and total honesty. Else there'll always be a skeleton in the closet.

Trust us on this.

WAT

As the wife on the other side-whose husband had an emotional affair, GET COUSELING TOGETHER and work through it and get HIM out of your head as quickly as you can because if your husband is a great guy as you say, HE is worth it and concentrate on that. We are working hard on ours and the other person has to remain far out of your life. I feel all the pain your husband will feel.