And just think...

After you confess to your H, you can change your screen name to "lasttimer"! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Firsttimer, as long as you have these feelings and are not working together with your H to help you through this you are:

A. Driving a wedge between you two
B. Selling out your own integrity
C. In danger...in danger of your EA becoming a PA

If your husband knows, you will have truly closed the door rather than trying to go it alone and cut it off yourself. What is the answer you give yourself if you go stand in front of the mirror and look yourself in the eye, and ask yourself this question: "Am I not telling my husband because I don't want to burn any bridges to this OM"?

Until your husband knows, you are in danger of your affair becoming a PA. You cannot close the door on the EA and possibility of a PA without him. Which of the following would you rather say as a confession?

"I am so sorry, I thought I could control things, I messed it all up, I thought it would not become physical, but it did, can you please forgive me?"

OR

"I am in trouble and need your help. I allowed myself to get emotionally attached to someone else, and I am afraid it might become a PA, please help me to get over this person so I can love you the way I am supposed to."

Or worse...what if he found out without you telling him...which he will eventually.

I hope you keep posting, the part of you that knows what is right is struggling to climb out of the quicksand of fog and the fantasy you are living in over this OM, let her out.

Ask your H for the needs that you think you were getting elsewhere. If he knows how desparate you are (so desparate that you had an EA), you might just get what you need from the person you need it from.

A kudo to Katie Mae...I LOVE that...last-timer...I'm a lasttimer!!!

YAY!

LA

Me too, LA! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

FT... how are you doing today?

Katie M.

Katie, maybe things are going so good with her that we can start to call her "lasttimer" (in case she has told her H yet). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Firsttimer, I hope you have some good news for us, but in case not, don't stop posting! We will not let you "go" untill you've informed your H...and this is so because we care about you and want the best for you, your H and your M! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take care,
Suzet

Hello Everyone,

Well, I'm glad to see that you guys are sticking with me and that you aren't going to let me take the easy way out on this.

Actually, I'm out of town for work for 2 weeks so I'm just really busy. This is good in that it is going to keep my mind off of OM and, of course, there is no way to contact him where I'm at, which is also good.

OK, OK, OK, I know that I need to tell my H about everything. I guess I'm just scared and waiting for the right time. Here's my last plea on NOT telling him...

OM hasn't contacted me and I haven't contacted him. You are all concerned that I'll end up in a PA with OM, but I don't see that happening because OM is not contacting me anymore - he doesn't want this EA to continue - he is done. Me too.

To be honest, I miss him, but I'm also grateful that there has been NC made on his behalf. It's over! Big time over!

Believe me, I know what you all are going to say and I know that I need to be honest with H, but it just seems like it's too late - the EA was in the past, it's over, it's not applicable anymore.

I can see telling him if I was still involved and felt an urge to move the EA to a PA, but there is nothing anymore at all. OM has made that very clear - it hurts, but it's clear. I am moving on too....

I know you are going to say I can't move on if I haven't told H, but it's in the past and I can't imagine dragging everything out from over the last 8 months. I want this to be done. I don't want to think about it anymore, talk about it anymore, worry about it anymore etc...

Denial? I know....Help!

No, no, no!

Double that...

No, no, no, no, no, no!


FT, let me tell you this. I ended a LTA with a man who at one point I thought was my "soulmate."

After I confessed to H, I never wanted to see or speak to OM again.

H and I went to counseling, and our MC thought we were doing so well, we were dismissed.

Almost seven months past without contact from OM. My feelings for OM were changing from anger to to indifference. I was beyond over him.

Suddenly, he catches me off guard on my way home from work and tells me he quit his job and would be leaving the area. Do you know how I responded? I burst out crying!

That's right... I thought I was through with OM, and I could not control my feelings when I was talking to him. After all this time, I'm still vulnerable to OM when I see him. As a precaution to protect my M, I told OMW (who did not know.)

You may feel your emotions fading right now, but if you were to EVER see or speak to OM again, you would fall right back to square one. And you wouldn't have the safety net of your H to help you.

You keep coming back here and posting. I suspect that's because you KNOW we are right, even if you are not acting on it. I'm telling you, you will be absolutely blown away by your H response when you tell him.

So... when's it gonna happen?? Step up, girlfriend!!

KM

Please let me add that sharing this with your husband will be a huge step towards making up to him.

Years down the road, as your marriage improves, you will still remember. Please see my earlier post about how I felt. My beautiful wife, looking up into my eyes telling me that she adored me, me looking back, wishing I could see myself through her eyes, all the while knowing the truth of my deception.

Until I told her, there was no way we could be as close as I wanted us to be, and there was no way I could look myself in the mirror without knowing what was behind my eyes.

Now she knows, now there is redemption.

Firsttimer,

How are you?

Your silence indicates to me that you have decided to not come clean with your H... I hope you will reconsider and keep posting.

Suzet

FT, Truthfully, not telling your Husband will eat away at your intimacy with him like a cancer until there is nothing left. Telling him will be no where near as bad as you think. These boards are filled with Betrayed Spouses who mostly at one time or another ALL said an affair was the end of their marriage - a deal breaker, yet we are all here recovering our marriages after a crisis of infidelity.

Your marriage can be better than you ever suspect or it can fizzle out to nothing. The choice is yours.

FT,

You said you were going out of town for a while...

Are you back yet?

Are you listening to the good folks here?

I know you are!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

KM

Katie May,

I have been watching you post since I got her and I just want to say I have been ever so impressed with how you have grown and the way you reach out to other WW's, FWW's and BS's here on this board. I am sorry that you and your H had to endure your A but your's is one case I can point to where the Phoenix did rise again. Who knows someday you may be able to speak w/ my STBXW/WW when she completes her fall to the bottom. I know she could learn a lot from you.

HAP,

Thank you so much for your kind words... it means more than I can express. I have worked really hard on myself, and MB has literally saved my soul. I'm still struggling, but coming here helps me a great deal.

How are things going with you? What's up with your STBXW? Isn't the OM nearly twice her age? My OM was also 50, and I can tell you that it will NEVER work. I hope she realizes this before it's too late... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

HAP, you are also a great help on this board. You always have an encouraging word and are very wise. Thank you for your post and I also hope that one day I can speak to your W as well...

KM

Hi Everyone,

Sorry I've been gone for awhile. You are NOT going to believe me, but I told my husband about my EA. I said I felt I had an inappropriate emotional connection with OM. I said that it was unintentional, not physical - ever, it is over and I was so sorry. He was wonderful! He just hugged me and thanked me for being honest. He wasn't mad at all. He said that he understands that it feels good to have someone else acknowlege your strengths and to feel special. He actually told me about a situation he found himself in years ago with a co-worker who turned to him for advice as she was going through a divorce. We talked about EN and how we need to work together to protect our marriage. Now all that being said....

I still miss OM. How long does this feeling last? I have been out of the country for the last two weeks so that kept me very busy, but today I'm back to the regular routine and I find myself wanting to contact OM. He has made no effort to contact me so I know how pathetic it sounds that I miss him at all. He obviously has totally moved on. I will respect that and continue to focus on my marriage, but geez, was I "in love" with the OM? Why are these feelings still there? I thought I would be over him by now - especially since I told my husband. If anything, I was shocked that my husband wasn't more upset...strange....

Katie Mae - you said that even after several months of no contact and marriage counseling that you felt you were over OM. When he contacted you to tell you he was moving - you broke down and cried. You still cared about him after all that time. Do you still care about him. Will I just always care about OM? Suzet, can you help me with this? Will there just always be a special place in my heart for OM?

Hope everything is going well for everyone else and I'm thankful that you have stayed with me through all of this.

Good for you, FT!! I'm so proud of you!! Why would you think we wouldn't believe you? I'm so glad that your H was understanding and agreed to work on protecting your M... this is a wonderful first step for you both.

As far as missing OM goes... I would suspect you are missing him because you just came back from a long trip and you are both a.) back in the environment where the EA took place and b.) you are a little out of sorts after being out of the office for so long. Stress, in the past, has been a trigger for me to think about OM. It doesn't mean I miss him... it means I'm stressed and am trying to escape. Whenever OM enters my mind, I try and figure out what is going on that makes me want to "escape" from real life.

FT, I think you are still early in the recovery process. I know, for a fact, that I fell "in love" with OM. Was what I experienced with him throughout my A really love? NO. It was a self-serving and self-destructive fantasy. I thought I loved OM... now all I feel is either anger or indifference... these days, it's more indifference.

Yes, I was very emotional when I last spoke to OM. He told me he was leaving and I burst out crying. I was absolutely shocked by my reaction, and then surprised as I stayed there talking to him. As we talked, I kept thinking "what is wrong with this guy? Why am I talking to him? It's the same conversation, over and over, etc." yet I kept talking to him! When I left, I was completely disgusted with both him and myself.

I think it's going to take you a while to realize that OM wasn't really special, FT. It really has to do with what's missing within you, and how he filled a need that now needs to be taken care of in a healthier, more productive way. If you liked feeling "special", think about why in your everyday life you don't feel this way about yourself. Why you need something external to make you feel good internally.

I can't remember... have you been doing any sort of self-help work? Reading any books, or going to IC?

Firsttimer, this is such good news! Of course I believe you! I’m SO proud of you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I just knew you would eventually find the courage and strength within yourself to come clean with your H…and I knew you would return to this board… And I’m so glad it finally happened! I’m also glad about your H’s reaction. Now both of you can work together on a closer and more intimate bond and start taking steps to protect your M - which will include keeping healthy boundaries with the opposite sex…and this applies to both you and your H. If I may ask, does your H’s EA with his co-worker years ago happened while you were already married?

I don’t find this strange at all… Obviously, your H’s experience with the co-worker years ago has helped to give him some understanding and empathy for your situation. Probably if it wasn’t for this, your H would be much more shocked and upset and would find it very difficult to understand. However, the fact that your H doesn’t show much shock and upset, doesn’t mean that he isn’t very hurt though…even though he might not show his hurt at this stage...probably because he don’t’ want to upset you. So please keep this in mind…and keep showing and reassuring your H that you love him and that your relationship with him is the most important thing to you…in spite of the feeling you still have for the OM. Your H needs your love and reassure more now than ever. Give it to him.

Firsttimer, what you’re going through now is normal and you will miss OM because you’re in withdrawal from him. Withdrawal is not an overnight process – it takes time and you need to be patient with yourself. Also, you are back in your regular routine and will experience “triggers”. Please read my withdrawal thread (the link in my signature) again and especially start following the guidelines to FWS’s on how to help themselves getting through withdrawal. Also share the withdrawal thread with your H so that he can help/support you through this process.

I have also discussed this in my withdrawal thread and what Dr Harley has to say about this.

Here are some extracts from that thread:

An A IS an addiction and it does affect the brain chemistry of a WS/FWS. It is a feedback system where some behavior causes good feelings (chemicals) to be released and gradually you become dependent on those feelings. So thinking of the OP is sort of self-medicating when the FWS feels a little down.

It can take weeks to months for this to pass and that’s why No Contact is so hard because some of the residual feelings and response linger for a long time. With time, the "feelings" attached to remembering the OP will fade.

It has been suggested and even done that when the FWS start to really think of OP, that they call or talk with the BS. This behavior will start to replace one set of feelings and memories for another, sort of like quitting smoking.

Withdrawal is not the same for each person and it affects each person differently.
For some people, withdrawal is very long and intense, and some people don’t experience any withdrawal at all (no withdrawal is not very common, but it does happen to some FWS’s).

I believe the length and intensity of withdrawal depends on many factors such as the length and intensity of the A and the emotional involvement; the way the A ended and if there is still unresolved issues; personality; ‘sensitivity’ level of the WS etc. A good estimation of the time of withdrawal can be the length of the A. According to Dr Harley (see quote beneath) the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, but in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade. As I’ve said, it’s not the same for each person and every situation is different.

I think the time of withdrawal also depends if the WS were friends with the OP before it progressed to an A. It’s more difficult to recover from an A where it started out as friendship comparing to a situation where people start the A from the beginning (like a ONS) and have not yet get emotionally connected and learned to care for the OP.

From Dr Harley’s Q & A column:
Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs, but they also miss the person they had come to love.

Our most common emotions are anger, anxiety and depression. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include all of these in a very intense form. I usually suggest that anti-depressant medication be used to help alleviate these symptoms. While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade.

It is extremely likely that a commitment to remain separated from a lover will be broken unless extreme measures are taken to avoid it. That's because the emotional reaction of withdrawal is so painful. Honesty is an extremely important element in reconciliation, and it should be understood that if the unfaithful spouse ever sees or communicates with the lover, he or she should immediately tell the spouse that it happened. They should then agree on a plan that would prevent a recurrence of contact in the future. But as soon as any contact is made, it throws the unfaithful spouse back to the beginning of withdrawal, and the time it takes to overcome the feelings of grief begins all over again.

Firsttimer, your feelings of hurt and rejection about OM’s decision to move on and resist contact with you is normal. I felt this way too back then. But you must view OM’s continuous NC as RESPECT for you and your M. It shows that he has his best interest at heart for you and your M (and for his).

As I’ve said to you on an earlier post on this thread, if one really cares for another and is a loving person in general who doesn’t want to cause pain and destruction in other people’s lives...such a person will do anything in his/her power to do the right thing and to protect the people he/she really cares about…in spite of previous mistakes and wrongdoings. Such a person will do the right thing even though it might be hard & difficult at first…and even though it might take tremendous will-power and self-control… And this is what the OM is currently doing for you and your families… He is continuing NC because he cares and don’t want to cause further pain and destruction to you and your families... That’s why you must view it as a compliment and be thankful. And that’s why you need to continue respecting OM and his M too and not give into the temptation to contact him.

Firsttimer, in addition to the guidelines above, I also want you to read the following insightful post I once received from Ark^^ while I was still in withdrawl from OM and struggled to get rid of those thoughts & feelings (it took me 18 months in total to get through withdrawal completely). Two months ago I had a relapse (contact with OM) and unfortunately much of those feelings have returned. I’m still trying to deal with it especially since I still work at the same company than OM and bump in him now and then – not good at all. This is also why it took met so long to get through withdrawal the first time. I’m actually an example of why Dr Harley is so adamant that all contact must end for life. This is so because there is always a chance that feelings might get rekindled if there is any type of contact (like it happened with me recently). Anyway, here is the post from Ark^^:

Thank you Katie Mae and Suzet so much for your words of encouragement. They really help - you have no idea!

Remember how I said my H was great after I told him? I think the whole idea finally sank in and last night he said he wasn't sure if he could trust me, that we need counseling and that he is actually very hurt. We were up all night - I've been crying for hours. I've never been more scared in my life.

The good thing is that I'm totally committed now more than ever to making my marriage work - my focus is NOT the OM now - it's my marriage. It's like this whole thing has jolted me back into reality. I'm going to schedule some counseling and I'm going to spend everyday of the rest of my life earning back my H's trust.

I really appreciate all your help. Does anyone know a good way to find a good marriage counselor in my area? I'm a mess right now, but I finally feel like everything is out in the open and even though I hurt my H - the healing can now begin.

Thanks again you guys - you have really been critical in this process. I will definitely keep you updated. Please keep me updated on how you all are doing too. It helps me to know you have been through this too.

Firsttimer, your H’s behavior is very normal and expected. Actually I expected this would happen one or other time and I think it’s a good thing that he have talked to you about his fears, hurt etc. He needs to do that. And it seems his reaction has also helped you to get real and shift your focus from OM to your H and M. And I don’t mean bad when I say that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> When you’ve first told us that your H behaved so wonderfully and understanding, I was worried that your H is actually repressing his hurt and pain in an attempt not to upset you. That’s why I’ve said your H need your love and reassurance now more than ever. I think it will be a good thing if you and your H can receive some counseling. Don’t be scared – you and your H will be okay. I’m sure of that. But there will be a difficult time ahead.

Very good. Keep this up Firsttimer! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take care.

first timer, I understand that you feel that everything is out in the open now and that you feel that now you and your H can focus on healing.

Please keep in mind that it is doubtful from his perspective that everything is out in the open.

I know you said you and he were up all night. You probably talked a lot--so you feel like it is all out.

Remember that he was not a part of the hours that you spent with OM--Maybe it was just a phone call here and there and a meeting here and there. Whatever it was, it was hours of intimate behavior. I don't mean PA behavior but it was still intimate behavior. You were probably used to confiding things to him or talking about things that you would not talk about to someone at a normal social gathering---right? That makes them intimate.

In early stages of recovery, after my discovery of my H's EA, he tried to minimize things in order to prevent me from feeling pain and also to save face.

I found this very difficult. I imagined things because he could not be fully disclosing. It was also hard for him to be fully disclosing because he was in such a fog about the fact that his discussions with her were intimate and contained some amount of sexual tension.

Just keep in mind that it may not all be out in the open as far as your H is concerned. Try to be sensitive to this and be as open and honest with him as you can be.

You and he will be ok--based on what you have been describing. It will take time.

As soon as my H saw my pain over what he had done, he had no desire for contact with OW and has had no feelings of withdrawal. Just like your H, it took me a couple of days to process what I had figured out about their R. So he did contact her one more time after D in a rather intimate way. Once he became aware of the EA aspect of his behavior, he felt repulsion at contacting her.

But it still takes a lot of time for the BS to get through this.

I feel that our recovery cycled even more than it needed to because my H tried to minimize and conceal infor about the EA.--ex-the number of contacts, the phone calls over the last week he made to her, some of the things he said to her.

I guess not all BS are looking for full disclosure, but I was drawn to full disclosure like a moth to the fire. We are finally in a state where I can more readily look to today and tomorrow and the next day. Having concrete events and activities to look forward to also helps me (a dinner date, dancing, picnic, movie, activity with kids).
Lake

Dang it - OM called. Now what!?!

H and I are doing well. We are both really putting forth a tremendous effort towards reconnecting.

When OM called I was completely taken aback. I was cautious when talking with him, but I have to admit it was good to hear his voice because I did miss him. It's like he new that I had made it almost 4 weeks without him and he just wanted to make an appearance in my life - just to mess me up. Dang it!

I don't think it has put me back to the beginning of withdrawal. I was a month into the process before the call and I still feel completely committed to my marriage. When I was faced with the possibility that my H would leave - it completely scared me to death and I NEVER want to feel that way again. It has made the OM less desirable, but I know there needs to be NC.

Thanks Lake for your insight. It truly helps to hear a perspective from you. You all are great! I am going to get through this - just need your help and advice every once in awhile. Take care!