So we need to help u be irristable to your H? That w/b a fun thing to support. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Relax a bit. You are too tense. Give us some time to think about how to help you

Btw, your post could help many others too. Thanks for sharing.

L.

Post deleted by regreted

regreted,

I guess I wouldn't go so far as to call what you did depraved. The fact that you did that with someone besides your husband is the only thing I can definitely say is wrong. It is not my personal taste but I get the feeling that there are so many people doing that on the Internet that you are definitely not alone. All I have to do is check my Hotmail inbox to see that.

Barriers don't usually fall down. They break down little by little. Maybe you look back and wonder how you got where you did. I am 98.6% sure you are Catholic. Go to confession if you haven't already. You can't keep this inside.

Keep telling your story. You are doing fine.

regreted,

Thank you for sharing your story so far. It takes much courage to do what you are doing.

The first observation I can offer you is that you must find ways to get validation from within you, not from others. If you seek it from others, you are in a co-dependent relationship by definition.

As you tell your story, think about this concept and see how it applies to you.

regreted,

I am going to tell you something about me that will probably offend many here. I used to be in sales for one of the companies I worked for. Part of that job meant that I had to (or else lose my job kind of "had to") take out international clients to table dance clubs. I used to spend sometimes $3000 to $4000 of my company's money on lap dances for clients. I never got one myself because I found the whole thing to be quite boring. I hated those places and was always glad when they had pool tables.

One night my boss was with me because we had 12 clients from Mexico and I needed help. He did pay a girl to give me a lap dance and it was an intimate one. Even so, I did not get "aroused" in the least. On the other hand, one time gemela DID give me a lap dance. She practiced for a week. I won't go into the details but it cost me at least $500 and I ran out of bills. It was worth it. I want another one!

As Stanley always says, sex is between the ears. He is right. Okay maybe what you did is not something your mother would be proud of - but then she didn't grow up with the internet either. Who knows what she would have done. The only issue for me is that you cheated on your husband. It doesn't matter what bandwidth or processor speed you did it with. Focus on the issue. The correct issue. Stop beating yourself up for the wrong reasons.

Maybe I should try internet sex with gemela when she is in Mexico? No - her mother might walk in on her. Never mind.

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regreted,

What is the source of your anger?

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regreted,

Can you understand the pain he feels? That pain is what is making him obsessed with your A.

Can you imagine how you would feel if H had an A?

Could you also be angry with yourself?

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This is so frustrating, my H is stil mad with me, and Im in gried because all this... there are days that I miss a lot OM and I wish to speak with him.. I tried to put in my H place and for me would not be good if he had a friend so close..
I need someone who hug me, I was diagnosticated a disease and I feel blue... Im young and I have lot physical pain..
Maybe I need medication for this depression right?

Is that my spanglish is so bad, I think I havent been clear, nobody post here only me!!!

Hi Regreted,

How was your weekend?
I have thought about you and as always I would like to say so many things to you.
The first is about our Spanglish, I think we both make some mistakes when we write in English, especially when we are in a hurry or in an emotional state. I’m trying to write in Word to use the orthographic corrector, you may want to try it before you post here. Although people here have been very kind about our English abilities, I think when a post has too many typos or grammatical errors it’s difficult for the reader to understand the content. I’m just guessing.

Why you may have not gotten too many answers recently… My first explanation is because there are not constant updates. Also you don’t comment, analyze much or give a follow up to some comments you have gotten and people may feel you are not reading or understanding what they are trying to tell you. Another factor may be that it appeared as if you were going to explain yourself and then the posts about the past ended abruptly and there was no conclusion to the intention expressed in the first posts of the threat. Finally, maybe, when you use the threats only when you need to vent or you feel bad or sad, the hard work of addressing the underlying problems keeps undone until the next crisis. People that see you falling in the same mistakes or crisis may get tired of giving you input when they don’t see a change or when you don’t answer to their comments.

I’m going to assume that you started this threat to explain your whole history and that you have already said all the missing elements around your infidelity. So, you had three emotional affairs, two mainly cyber and one both cyber and face to face. From this information I can make some conclusion or interpretations on different levels.

The first one is that for as long as you have being involved in these liaisons your marriage has suffered your change of mood and mind set. Even if your husband didn’t know at the time of what was going on. From the moment you started to have improper communication with the first man, your personality, your tolerance to your husband and all in all your devotion to your marriage was compromised.

During all the months or years that this behavior went on your marriage has suffered of your lack of honesty, of your guilty feelings and your criticism of your marital relationship. I think you have to understand this. To justify your actions you had to rewrite the history of your marriage. Then you started to compare your husband with another person of different background and culture. I think it is very unfair to compare your husband sexual performance or sex drive to the verbal abilities of a cyber lover.

Must probably when you were having this erotic chats you were coming to your husband for SF sexual fulfillment but all the time you had in your mind a fantasy of the kind of sexual encounter you would like to have. As your husband was not in the know of your sexual fantasies and sexual chats it’s obvious that he was not going to be able to satisfy your expectations.

While you were having these EA’s your husband was completing his PHD, a very demanding task I assume and probably didn’t have the time, the energy or the desire to fulfill your needs but his studies would improve his possibilities of getting better jobs of which the family and you will benefit in the future.

You said you find in this EA’s the affection and the sexual excitement that was lacking in your marriage. Maybe you really didn’t have that what you were getting from the affairs was not the real affection of a caring lover and husband, you were getting words of men that wanted to be sexually aroused by you and they would feed you as many nice words as you wanted to hear. Sexual chats in internet as attractive as they could appear are a repetition of the same script, this script is repeated by all the people that visit theses chats, you don’t have to be a good lover, you just have to say the right words to incite the other to play in the moment with you.

When you say the man of your first EA was a Master of sex, I’m not sure if you refer to a particular fetish called Domination and submission or you talk about his incredible sex abilities. I think any man whose sexuality was developed by intense pornography can mention a wide variety of sexual acts and he knows what to say to a woman to arouse her and her response. A Master of sex would probably be good just for sporadic encounters but not for a continuous loving relationship. You said that you told him that you were developing feelings for him and he told you that you were not. You needed an emotional connection and he told you that all there was with him was a sexual script of words that could be repeated by any man on the internet. Do you see the contradiction between what you thought you were looking for and what you were really looking for?

By now I guess your internet experiences included watching images of erotic nature that you may have not seen before. Your mind keeps longing and fantasizing with all those sensations but you don’t realize that the strength or force that you give to those desires is related to your need of escape of the trouble in your marriage and your own poor self image.

(This post is full of assumptions and I realize how strong it sounds, I just find it hard to word it in a different way in English. Sorry.)

The reason why I’m trying to dissect every aspect of what has happened to you in the last years is because I have the impression that although you have not really understood deep inside all the dynamics that brought you to your present situation and that is in part the reason why you are still tempted by OM 3. As the problems in your marriage have not improved substantially and now you have the added tension of the DD, you allow yourself, your mind and your feelings to run away to the safety of your fantasies.

You had a daughter, your body changed, your responsibilities increased while your husband was involved in a very demanding task. Instead of understanding that the tensions were temporarily you found a escape that you felt, gave you the passion you were lacking and a sense that you were something more than the career of your family. While you were in contact with the OM’s you were not giving best to your marriage, you were distant inside and as a consequence your husband resented you and you resented him resenting you even more.

You can notice how your husband actions and hard words affect your love for him but you are not able to realize that your infidelity, your hard words, your outburst, your demands of change affected him and his ability to be caring, loving and open towards you. His criticism of you and your physical appearance affects you and he’s as well affected by your constant criticism of his lack of domestic help, he’s affected by your angered answers and reactions. Love, caring and passion can’t flourish in such an environment. Both keep reacting to the other. You can choose to be right and to keep the list of all the things your husband has done to you or you can decide to change yourself inside, stop reacting and get to a healthy way of communicate with him without trying to control him. If he is angry it’s his anger, you can learn to not be affected by it and at the same time remain open to his needs. You can accept your faults at the same time that start to establish boundaries.

I feel your pain, your sorrow but nothing will change unless you change. I understand your anguish and your need to expose the whole situation. You are afraid of the end of your marriage if your husband knew that instead of one there were three OM’s what you may not realize is that keeping these secret is hurting your marriage all the same and your marriage would end anyway for lack of honesty and openness. I see something cruel and sad at the same time in the fact that all these months since your husband found out about OM 3 you have suffered and have resented your husband for not forgiving you. You were in despair for his lack of forgiveness and how distrustful he has being towards. You are not able to see that he knows inside him that there is more.

I don’t know how is the best way to tell your husband the true because of his past violent acts. Especially considering that your own reactions tend to make things much worse and dramatic. I know you are trying to do the right thing but at the same time you are not able to accept the pain you have caused.

The fact that you can feel tempted by OM 3 now shows that you have not really understood how you got in this mess in the first place. Please keep reading the articles or the site, find the time to post here and to answer the comments that are made to you.

You have a treasure, your family, you have worked so hard, you studied, got a job, had a daughter, the best years of your life are ahead, the duress of studying and working is behind. Here in MB or in therapy you can find so many tools to improve yourself and to make you happy in your actual marriage.

You may feel that you are missing something in life but none can give you the satisfaction of your own family, no sexual fantasy compares to the love of a couple that has grown together along the years.

I think you know that if you divorced you’re going to change some problems for others. Now you have a husband close to your own age, loyal, high achiever, the father of your daughter. Life as a divorce, searching partners approaching the 40’s, sharing custody of your daughter, would be no fun. Besides, think that the common trail of the three men you have known so far is the ability to be deceitful, once you are on your own you will want a man who doesn’t commit adultery, that man is not as the OM’s, that man is more like the husband you already have.

Post deleted by regreted

I'm glad you found something useful on my last post.

Concerning missing the OM 3...
Have you read about infatuation? Have you read about why women seak other men, here on the articles section?

Every time you indulge on romantic thoughts about OM's you make a diservice to you and your marriage. Respect yourself, do what it's right. You can control your thoughts, it's not easy at the begining but as soon as they appear fight them back.
One strategy, a little crazy, is to associate OM's to very disgusting visual things, every time their thoughts appear think of this very yuck thing.

OM's were not your friend, didn't care about you or your well being, they were not sex gods. Stop glamourizing their destructive and egoist ways.

You may think that it's not so bad you think of OM's in your head as long as your husband doesn't know it but husbands as well as wifes know when something is not quite right. Every thought to the OM is love and devotion you are stealing from your husband. Daydreaming about OM will make you to dettach from your husband and more prone to fight with him.
To arrive to a new way of thinking and beahavior you need to have more solid information, if you don't get new tools to deal with your old problems you'll be forever in danger of relapesing old patterns.

I think you have been given great inputs in your past posts, have you reflect about them?

You can't stay forever in a guilty state or you'll find out ways to blame others or compensate the feelings of guilty and shame, you have to get proactive.

MB has a very practical approach to marital problems, use that to your advantage, you'll gain nothing by feeling self pity or forever living in limbo dreaming with other men.

Post deleted by regreted

Yes Regretted, yes you do.

All healing begins with forgiveness, and first is the forgiveness of ourselves.

Its more difficult if we have low selfsteem also..! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />