Hello Regreted,

I'm sorry you had a hard time during your trip.

You can write on Spanish but I think you need as much opinions as you can get here and maybe Spanish would turn posters away.

Weaver could you write more about self forgivness, how to reach it.

Of course you can write in Spanish.

Are you from Oaxaca? If you are from there watch out because Believer is buying thousands of cows and plans to be a big latifundista <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

By the way happy birthday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I can imagine it was a hard time going to visit your husband's family. It was something that could not be avoided, their reactions I mean. At least you were accepted and with time and convivence they will forgive.

About sex...

Your reaction is very normal. You were not happy about his behavior and didn't feel close to him. Nevertheless, you mention you also were in the mood for intimacy... Do you think it could be possible, when you want to have sex, you have it and try to enjoy those moment and show him your desire and pasion and tenderness for him?

Maybe you could avoid to affect your sexual life, if you try to separate the things that made you angry or sad during your day, from the moments of love. Hard to do I guess. I really don't have an answer but I know your reaction is very comun in women, me too. Sex should not be a premium or a punishment. I don't tell you to do it if you don't want to but if you also want it, it can be a way to bring both of you together. Solve the problems outside the bedroom, outside of it.

What do you think of forgetting for a while about his forgiveness... don't mention it. Just try to have normal days, open comunication. Family moments.

I'm sorry about your job, it's most be painful. Hopefully you will recover your position soon and surpass it.

I have the impression that you react a lot to your husband's moods. Give a try to change the way you comunicate with him. Work on yourself. After sometime of improvements you may decide to separate but you will feel better knowing that you did your best to save your marriage.

P.S. The statistic he mentioned could be wrong. It seems most marriage survive infidelity.

larousse,

Foreverhers had a thread I read on self-forgiveness and 2long is quite knowledgeble on the subject.

I wouldn't even know where to start on what I have read but probably the most helpful to me was a book called "Jesus and Forgiveness" by a man named Wapnick.

I'll ask FH to bump his thread for you.

Regreted, the link to the thread about self-forgiveness mentioned by Weaver is
here. link to links

You may want to print it, we could discuss a litle bit about that here, if you want.

larousse where is the link?
I didnt see anything... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Tomorrow I going to have a course on south of the city so maybe I couldnt post here.

Are you she or he?

Sorry I havent have enought time to find the answer to that question by myself... piojitos said you are she... but I dont know...

I hope post tomorrow...

thanks for invest time posting in this thread,... thanks paisa..

Hi,

To go to the links about self-forgiveness, sugested by Weaver, click over the words 'link to links'

Here is another link to a current thread on this forum by an XWW. You may find some interesting insights to understand what your husband is feeling.

[color:"red"] Click here [/color]

There is a natural process of grieving for a BS. (I'll try to find the link to that topic, mentioned by Orchid)
You can't acelerate or negate that process to your husband. what may be happening is that his normal bad humor is increased by his current pain, I don't know.

Try to have compassion to him, it's not so much a macho thing, it's a natural reaction.

I hope you had a nice day. It must be nice to go out from your work office once in a while for training.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I found this in post on Honeygirl thread 'I'm the FWW I need help' and the words sounded so familiar to what you said yesterday.

[color:"red"] [/color]

Here is the link Honeygirl thread

So you see, part of what you are feeling is the process of breaking the addiction and reaching recovery.

Post deleted by regreted

Hola chamaca!

That course sounds good, congratulations. I know how bad you feel about loosing your 5 position.

What's your job?

I felt that you were from Oaxaca because you mentioned your husband and you came to study to this city, which I asume is Mexico city. I had a friend in colege, she and her now husband are from Oaxaca. I just got the feeling you were from there.

The threads I linked for you are really good.

Did you talk to the OM3 when he was trying to reach you?

It's the best you could do to contact a therapist.

Do it now, today.

Post deleted by regreted

Hi Larousse

I know the answer to this is to contact a good terapist..

I just dont know how to schedule this in my days..

Hola,

Creo que el primer paso es saber si tienes depresión y de qué tipo. Los médicos generales también pueden mandar antidrepresivos. Pero en tu caso tendría que ser alguien que tome en cuenta tus otras afecciones.

Aquí he oído mencionar ese libro. Parece que es bueno.

Uno de los pasos para no sentirse frustada por lo que hace el esposo es no tener expectativas infundadas. Efectivamente hombres y mujeres pensamos y sentimos distinto. Una fuente constante de frustración es esperar ser amadas de la forma en que nosotros amamos.

En tu caso específico creo que te ayudaría por el momento no pensar en términos de amor o desamor pero de familia y matrimonio. Empezar a recuperar puntos a través de convivencias amables y agradables.

Desproblematizar la situación. Y hacer un plan a largo plazo de lo que deseas mejorar.

Post deleted by regreted

Post deleted by regreted

Okay I am in a hurry and will write more in the morning but my immediate message to you is NO CONTESTES EL PINCHE TELEFONO PARA NADA EN ESTE MUNDO. There is nothing you can say to OM to get him to leave you alone. The fact that you answer the phone will be seed enough to get him to contact you again. The ONLY way you can get him to leave you alone is to ignore him completely. Change your hotmail account and tell your H you are doing it because OM tried to contact you and you want to eliminate that account entirely. Ask your H to help you change the password on your old account. This is what you do. Whe it is time to enter the new password, have H enter the first four characters without you looking and then you enter the last four without him looking. Repeat the process to confirm the new password. This way neither of you will ever be able to access the account ever again unless you do it together. Open a new hotmail account and give H the password.

I cannot answer the rest of your post right now because I have to take care of my DDs. But avoid any and all contact with OM. You cannot even speak one word to him. Do not answer the phone. If you even say hello to OM, you will only make your problem worse. Please just trust me on that.

No eres una puta. Te entiendo sobre los comentarios sobre el programa. Es muy dificil ver la tele en el dia de hoy sin encontrar algo de la infielidad. If you are watching a program like that, ask H to turn it off.

I will write again in my morning. Mientras tanto avoid OM like the plague he is.

You are tempted to talk to him because you are depressed and right now he is the only thing in your life that you think might make you feel good - but it won't. It will dig you further into your infierno.

There is a way out but you have to fight your way out. Start by forgetting OM.

What about if OM decides to told all to my H?

If that is your fate, that is your fate. You can't control the actions of others. Will you have sex with OM to keep him quiet? Are you going to live the rest of your life in fear?

What would OM accomplish or stand to gain by telling all to your H? Do you think he would win your love? By destroying your M, will you go running to his arms? The only thing he realistically stands to gain by telling your H is that your H might murder him. I think OM is more afraid of your H than he is of you.

Personally I would suggest you just come clean and tell H all. It is the lies that are eating you up. It is the constant fear that has you frozen. If you do not feel capable of doing it, let OM tell H if he desires. Where is his proof?

You can only decide what you are going to do. You cannot decide what OM will do. Ignore him and he will go away. Keep talking to him - even if only to tell him to leave you alone - and he will be around forever. Ignore him and he will get bored with you and go look for another.

I agree with Pio. Let your husband answer the phone. The truth will free you.

If your husband faces him, OM will leave you alone.

Hola Regreted:

Lo más difícil de reconocer en un caso de infidelidad es la propia responsabilidad personal. No la culpa, o la verguenza de ser descubierta, pero la responsabilidad personal. Porqué elegiste las acciones que elegiste, porqué tomas decisiones fáciles que aparentemente te evitarán el dolor pero solo traen más dolor.

El primer paso para 'recuperarte' es reconocer que no eres una víctima del OM y tu esposo, reconocer que tomaste decisiones egoistas y que eso afectó a otras personas.

Me da la impresión que no te importa tanto el dolor que tu esposo ha sufrido como el hecho de que no lo ha olvidado y te hace pasar malos ratos. Todo es acerca de ti, tú, tú, tú. Que nadie te incomode, que nadie te confronte, que nadie te reclame. Tus acciones tienen consecuencias pero la culpa es de los otros por no ser más blandos contigo.

Creo que perder tu empleo te podría colocar en una situación de mayor depresión en la que ya estás. Puedes buscar otras opciones de trabajo pero si te dejas ir, si dejas el empleo para evitar la tensión, vas a tener otro tipo de tensiones en casa.

Es completamente normal que el esposo pregunte para qué es el dinero, idealmente entre los dos deciden en qué se usa, pero quieres seguir teniendo una actitud independiente, no quieres negociar profundamente y no quieres reconocer la validez de los deseos de tu esposo, tú solita le quitas autoridad y respeto.

Regreted, estás en medio de la lástima personal y no puedes o quieres ver lo que tu le haces a los otros. Empieza por corregir lo que has hecho y por hacer de ti una mejor persona. Deja de huir y afronta las consecuencias en tu familia y tu trabajo.

Lamento que mis palabras suenen tan fuertes.

Espero que estés bien.