Your OM is what is called in English a "player". He knows exactly what to do and say. He still has you hooked and you know it. You are right. Regardless of who he is or what he did, the A was all yours. You own it. Nobody put a gun to your head (as you put it).
Estaba enamorada de estar enamorada y no de él precisamente..
YES!!! EXACTLY!!! YOU GET IT!!!!
"la gota que derramó el vaso"
We call it the "last straw".
Okay now here is the bad part. You lied to your H yet again. How much longer can you keep this up? That song, BTW, is about a woman who has a ONS to get pregnant because her H is sterile. She has the ONS and gets pregnant and falls in love with OM and can never forget him. If I were your H, that would upset me too. You know what that song is about and you said "I just like it"? I wouldn't believe you either.
Your H still cares for you in some way and he still wants the M in some way but you continue to lie because you fear that telling him the truth will be the end of your M. In reality, the lies are going to end your M. Your H is not stupid. He knows you are not telling the truth.
From a man's perspective, oral sex is as bad or worse. For you to think that you can have OS and not be cheating on your H is a serious problem in your way of thinking.
Okay regreted, you had two affairs. You are still in contact with OM and still have feelings for OM. Every time OM calls, you will continue to answer the phone against all advice. You have to have absolute NC with OM NOW!!!! He is scum. He is a troll who surfs the net looking for victims. You were one. Your OM #1 slowly broke down your barriers and convinced you to have anonymous sex with OM #2. They are both just sick people who have no idea of what moral values are.
Even so, you still had two A's and you still lie to your husband about them to this day. I am sorry to tell you this but until you sit down and tell your H the absolute truth about everything, I can't see how your M has any chance. Okay telling him all that may lead to divorce. If that is your destiny then so be it. But you will never have a marriage hiding behind lies.
But you already know all this don't you?
I don't mean to sound cruel but you are violating so many fundamental rules of MB that I just don't see much hope if you keep going the way you are going. Every day you delay telling the truth is probably two days more delay in recovery. I know how afraid you are to tell your H the truth. based on his violent behavior, I would not recommend you do that alone.
What impressed me so much about you is how much you wanted to stay in your marriage. Right now you are the one destroying it. I told you a long time ago that if gemela had your desire to keep the M, she and I would be happily recovered by now. She did not have your desire. She wanted to hold onto the A. But she also wanted to hold onto the lies. I can forgive the A but cannot tolerate her lies.
If you want to save your marriage, my suggestion is that you follow MB principles to the letter. Start by confession in a safe place. For example, you all go to his mother's house and confess in front of her. I doubt he would hit you in front of his mother. I think larousse would have a better idea than me on how to do it because I am not actualizado on your thread regarding all the family members.
The secret is destroying your marriage, it is destroying your job, it is destroying your life and it is destroying you. If you really do love your H, tell him the whole truth - even the OS. Don't lie. Total honesty. Witholding the truth is still a lie. If you are not willing to do that, you might as well get the divorce now because I see no hope for you otherwise. You are incapable of avoiding OM. The further into your hole you go, the more you fantasize about OM because that was when you felt good. You want that feeling again. Only problem is you will never have it again because what was once new and exciting is now ugly. If nothing else, think of your daughter. What is best for her? What kind of a role model do you want to be for her?
What you did and what gemela did is a pecado. Now you know why God made it a pecado. All it does is hurt everything around it. You really need to wake up. You are not a bad person but you are digging yourself into a hole so deep that soon you will never be able to get out.
I am betting your H is not willing to take much more. I think your opportunity to save your M is quickly running out. Don't think about this too long. Larousse gave you her phone number. Call her. Call her from a public phone or the office so H doesn't know about it. If she is willing, go have coffee with larousse and talk.