Thanks for all your comments

Post deleted by regreted

Thanks for being honest here. That is the only way anyone can help you.

Can you write the conversation you had here? I think it is important that you do.

You mentioned power. Last night as I read your post, that is what kept coming back to mind. The OM wants power over you. But power is a balance. You have to find the way to take that power back from him. OM does not love you - he wants to control you.

Yes he does know how to talk because this is his hobby. This is what he is best at.

Please write the conversation here. Do it in Spanish so there is nothing lost in the translation. If I get stuck on a word, I'll ask larousse - apparently she wrote the dictionary.

Post deleted by regreted

I want to go through your entire thread top to bottom before I comment on your post of yesterday. From what I can see, it looks like things are starting to improve around you but you are getting worse. Depression is a hungry beast and I get the feeling that you have become autodestructiva. Casi como quisieras castigarte a ti misma. Bueno, dejame leer todo. Try to get some rest. If you are very tired, this makes depression worse.

Are you familiar with the sword of damocles? I know you have a similar expression in Mexico but I can't remember what it is. If you are familiar with damocles, it seems to me that is where you are.

I admit I stopped reading this thread a while ago. Probably because I was on vacation. If I understand correctly, you actually had two affairs - one with foreign co-worker and one with anonymous stranger from a chat room. It seems like it is the second one who is giving you so much trouble.

I remember from your other thread that there were tons of problems in your marriage even without the affairs. I also find it interesting that your depression started after the birth and either your husband's behavior toward you changed at the same time or else you just thought it did because you were depressed. I am inclined to believe that hsi behavior toward you changed long before and you just didn't notice it.

Okay, here is the deal. You have said that you love your H. I am not saying you don't but it just seems strange that you would be so in love with someone who ignores you, beats you, verbally abuses you and has for some time.

You have a lot of fear.

1) You are afraid you are a monster because of the A's and the way in which they happened.
2) You are afraid OM will tell all to your H.
3) You are afraid of losing your M.
4) You are afraid of losing your DD.
5) You are afraid that you will not be able to support yourself.
6) You are afraid that you cannot be forgiven.
7) You are afraid of being branded a puta by a society intolerant of wives' affairs.

That has to be a terrible burden. First, I am not sure your M has any chance at all and it is not because of the A. I am concerned about your M because I don't see any evidence that you H has ever really loved you.

So what is the worst-case scenario? I don't really know. I know you are Catholic. Have you gone to confessional? Go confess your sins if you haven't. That is where I would start.

Your OM is an evil man. Anybody who is married and trolls internet chat room looking for anonymous sex is just evil. Sorry. I know you have some feelings for him but he is a bad man. Unfortunately he is the only one showing you any attention so you are attracted to that.

I am not recommending this but what do you think your future would hold if you got divorced? What are your options?

It is obvious you are very badly depressed and it has affected your work which depresses you further. You are in a downward spiral and you have to do something to stop it.

You absolutely need to be taking antidepressants. That is a start. Your husband has a PhD. Is he a medical doctor or other?

if you don't mind, I would like to start breaking this down into slightly smaller bits because your problem has become to large for you to deal with. You can come out of this if you want to but you need to start helping yourself. We all want to help you too.

You also need to make sure you are getting more sleep. That will also help reduce the depression.

now, if you don't mind and when you are better rested, please post the conversation with OM. Nobody is going to criticize you for it. Don't be ashamed. The damage is already done. Let's start finding a way to repair it. Keep posting.

Hola Regreted,

Estoy de acuerdo con las observaciones de Pio. Coincido en que enfrentas diferentes problemas. No es posible solucionar todo de una vez.

Sobre el trabajo... solo tú sabes si en verdad te están pidiendo cosas irazonables e injustas, sin duda puedes ver tus opciones laborales en otros lados pero te sugiero que mantengas la mente abierta. En este momento te sientes señalada y aislada en tu trabajo, puede ser algo pasajero, puede ser algo relacionado a tu estado emocional.

En lugar de analizar las cosas de la misma manera trata de cambiar de perspectiva. Piensa con honestidad en lo que tu has hecho y asume tus responsabilidades.

Eso no significa que no busques un mejor empleo o dejes de trabajar un tiempo pero ten cuidado de tomar en cuenta la opinión de tu esposo en todo momento. Me da la impresión de que para él financial support como necesidad emocional dentro del matrimonio, es importante.

Como un comportamiento reactivo, reaccionas a lo que crees que son ataques de los demás, piensa que harías si en lugar de sentir que debes 'defenderte' escucharas la posición de los demás. En este momento crees que tu jefe no habló contigo y no te dió la misma oportunidad que a los otros... Te has preguntado si a lo mejor estás dando la impresión de que no se puede hablar contigo?

Perder un empleo puede ser un impacto muy fuerte, no solo financiero sino en la autoestima.

Toma las cosas con calma, escucha, piensa antes de hablar.

Suerte

I would like to ask a question and I hope you will think about it before you answer. I do have a reason for asking so please trust me.

You had sex with a telephone and the internet. My question is would you feel bad or guilty or have any regrets if your husband had been the one you did it with? Try for the moment to forget the affair. What I want to know is how you feel about the manner in which you had sex. Pretend for the moment it was your husband. Would you do that with your husband?

This isn't a trick question. Please just think about it. After you answer, I will tell you why I am asking.

Hi, I want to share several things and I dont have too much time...

Ok Im continuing with this...
About my conversation with OM, Im going to tell you all..it last just 3 minutes or less anything special,, that relathionshio finished even before D day..

I was a stupid right, well Im regreted about this and I need to think in future..

So its amazing how things can change from one day that we had sex and in the other day he wants a divorce....
I dont know what to do.

Post deleted by regreted

Hola,

lamento que hayas tenido unos días tan difíciles, espero que las cosas hayan mejorado algo esta noche.

Piensa en lo que has aprendido aquí. Asume tus errores. No te defiendas. No lo culpes a él. Mantén la voz baja. No ruegues pero no hables de divorcio.

Lo que está pasando sigue siendo consecuencia del affair y de que te niegas a hablar con toda la verdad.

Tranquila, piensa antes de hablar.

(((((R)))))

Your OM is what is called in English a "player". He knows exactly what to do and say. He still has you hooked and you know it. You are right. Regardless of who he is or what he did, the A was all yours. You own it. Nobody put a gun to your head (as you put it).



YES!!! EXACTLY!!! YOU GET IT!!!!



We call it the "last straw".

Okay now here is the bad part. You lied to your H yet again. How much longer can you keep this up? That song, BTW, is about a woman who has a ONS to get pregnant because her H is sterile. She has the ONS and gets pregnant and falls in love with OM and can never forget him. If I were your H, that would upset me too. You know what that song is about and you said "I just like it"? I wouldn't believe you either.

Your H still cares for you in some way and he still wants the M in some way but you continue to lie because you fear that telling him the truth will be the end of your M. In reality, the lies are going to end your M. Your H is not stupid. He knows you are not telling the truth.

From a man's perspective, oral sex is as bad or worse. For you to think that you can have OS and not be cheating on your H is a serious problem in your way of thinking.

Okay regreted, you had two affairs. You are still in contact with OM and still have feelings for OM. Every time OM calls, you will continue to answer the phone against all advice. You have to have absolute NC with OM NOW!!!! He is scum. He is a troll who surfs the net looking for victims. You were one. Your OM #1 slowly broke down your barriers and convinced you to have anonymous sex with OM #2. They are both just sick people who have no idea of what moral values are.

Even so, you still had two A's and you still lie to your husband about them to this day. I am sorry to tell you this but until you sit down and tell your H the absolute truth about everything, I can't see how your M has any chance. Okay telling him all that may lead to divorce. If that is your destiny then so be it. But you will never have a marriage hiding behind lies.

But you already know all this don't you?

I don't mean to sound cruel but you are violating so many fundamental rules of MB that I just don't see much hope if you keep going the way you are going. Every day you delay telling the truth is probably two days more delay in recovery. I know how afraid you are to tell your H the truth. based on his violent behavior, I would not recommend you do that alone.

What impressed me so much about you is how much you wanted to stay in your marriage. Right now you are the one destroying it. I told you a long time ago that if gemela had your desire to keep the M, she and I would be happily recovered by now. She did not have your desire. She wanted to hold onto the A. But she also wanted to hold onto the lies. I can forgive the A but cannot tolerate her lies.

If you want to save your marriage, my suggestion is that you follow MB principles to the letter. Start by confession in a safe place. For example, you all go to his mother's house and confess in front of her. I doubt he would hit you in front of his mother. I think larousse would have a better idea than me on how to do it because I am not actualizado on your thread regarding all the family members.

The secret is destroying your marriage, it is destroying your job, it is destroying your life and it is destroying you. If you really do love your H, tell him the whole truth - even the OS. Don't lie. Total honesty. Witholding the truth is still a lie. If you are not willing to do that, you might as well get the divorce now because I see no hope for you otherwise. You are incapable of avoiding OM. The further into your hole you go, the more you fantasize about OM because that was when you felt good. You want that feeling again. Only problem is you will never have it again because what was once new and exciting is now ugly. If nothing else, think of your daughter. What is best for her? What kind of a role model do you want to be for her?

What you did and what gemela did is a pecado. Now you know why God made it a pecado. All it does is hurt everything around it. You really need to wake up. You are not a bad person but you are digging yourself into a hole so deep that soon you will never be able to get out.

I am betting your H is not willing to take much more. I think your opportunity to save your M is quickly running out. Don't think about this too long. Larousse gave you her phone number. Call her. Call her from a public phone or the office so H doesn't know about it. If she is willing, go have coffee with larousse and talk.

Post deleted by regreted

Post deleted by regreted

Well your H said pretty much the same things I said to gemela. The difference is I said those things almost a year ago. What that tells me is that your H and you too are stuck on day 1. So you licked his feet. You offered to for some reason and he said don't do it. You did it anyway and now you blame him for lowering your self-esteem. I can't see that he had anything to do with it. But it seemed to make a big difference. Are you willing to do anything to save your M? Do it and don't complain about it.

So you say you can never tell your H the truth. Good luck to you. You are keeping some pretty big secrets.

Your husband still loves you or he would just tell you to leave. You have hurt him deeply and he cannot take any more suffering. He doesn't trust you. In my case I would rather be without gemela than ever suffer another A by her hand. She is not worth it and you aren't either. Sorry to say. So how can you assure your H that you will protect his feelings each and every day the rest of his life?

Believer made a really good post today about forgiveness. It was some excerpt of Dr. Harley's. I recommend you search for it and read it.

Thanks youre right

I want to fill my EN's H... and have a marriage on proof of a's.