What is so upsetting about me protecting my children, and thier futures from the embarrassment of all of this?

The affair was between my husband and the ow. They created a child. That child was not part of this family, and I certainly was not going to allow the oc into my life and my home. As for my children, life is hard enough. No sense in dragging them down into the humiliation of the situation.

I was not going to sell out my childrens happiness and childhoods to accomodate anyone. I looked out for my children and me first and foremost. No way was I going to allow my children to have to deal with the fallout of the affair.

If that is offensive, so be it. Personally, I find those who expect the betrayed spouse and the children of the marriage to suck it all up, and fix HUGE mistakes made by two selfish people to be offensive. The wife and the children deserve to have a choice, and if that means no oc around, so be it.

Had my husband watnted to play daddy to oc, he could have. He just would have been divorced. It is plain as the day is long. I told him what I would accept, and it was his choice.

Now that my children are grown and understand everything, they are glad that they didn't have to be dragged into the embarrassing, Jerry Springer drama of having to explain any of this to their friends. They were allowed to grow up free from the stigma of it all. I was not going to sell out my one and only life for the oc, and certainly was not going to sell out my childrens childhoods to accomodate another. His wellbeing was not my concern, he had a mother and her family to see to that. My husband paid his monthly obligation and that was that.

We have since met oc, and he was hardly surprised at how things were. These kids are not stupid. His mom had an affair witha married man. The man did not want to lose his wife and child(ren), and so he paid support and we all moved on. PERIOD. It is all clear cut.

I have seen far more damamge to children of the marriage being forced to accept the oc, and the underlying bitterness and rage at not being allowed to voice or have any feelings about the situation.

My first concern, to be held above all is what is best for me and my family. The ow/oc are not part of that. So their needs and wishes were a moot point.

This statement alone I would have had no problems with.
Then I know exactly where you stand.

All the other "stuff" I felt was often unnecessary and disrespectful.

Not that you give a hoot to what I think, but it's my take on it.

TH

I think that with a newbie, like we have here, it is vital to get the truth of the situation out on the table. No pussyfooting around, as it were. He may have created a child outside of his marriage and he wants to save his marriage. He also wants to know about no contact with the oc.

I know this rattles your mind, but many people do not want anything to do with the oc. Innocent or not, it is their right to chose so. It may be wrong in your eyes, but not in others. I am one of the others.

Here is a man, willing to look at all avenues to try and save his marraige, and as usual, all some can see is the poor oc. The poor oc is not to be put infront of his poor wife and the poor children of the marraige. Maybe I am harsh on here so that the newbies will not make the family busting mistake of putting the needs of the oc first. It is vital that they speak openly and honestly about what they want now. He obviously wants his family. Ok. Now he needs to make sure his wife is aware of that. She needs to come first. Not the ow. Not the oc. Just his wife. That is what he is trying to repair.

Now that said, why would my comment on the oc being an embarrassment be suddenly the main topic here? YES I BELIVE IT IS EMBARRASSING TO HAVE AN OC. I have said it 1000 times before. Why wouldn't it be? The day that child is born is going to hit his wife hard. She is going to be angry, devastated, upset, hurt all over again. She is going to doubt everything that he says, does, etc. He is in for ******. Hopefully they will get some great help and get their marriage back on track to stand the assault of the oc being born. What they chose to do is then totally up to them. But what on earth do you think women feel in this situation? Happy? Thrilled? Hardly. It is a horrible situation to be put in. Just cause their is a child born, does not make the situation a happy one. Maybe in lala land, but not in the real world.

I will say this, I believe it is best for the marriage and the children of the marriage to pay the child support (if it is his) and move on with no contact. I believe that contact is asking to much. It creates to much disarray and confusion among the childrenm, all of them. It is best for everyone to move on and put it in the past....THAT IS MY OPINION. I have stated on here many times..and since you seem to have read many of my past posts, you would be well aware of that fact. Read the entire threads before you start pulling snipits of them out to quote. This is why I question some of your messages. For a newbie, you certainly zeroed in on me quick, and must have spent quite a bit of time looking up my past posts. Strange. You will have also learned that I defend the BW's and COM first and foremost and see no validity in pontificating what is right/wrong regarding the oc on a marraige building site. I also fight hard for any BW who is confused and scared. Making sure that they are not run over by the OW brigade who will dare taunt them or scold them for not putting the needs of the oc above all others.

As for this man, he has alot of work ahead of him, his poor wife is going through a pregnancy, and they are in the worst mess a marriage can be in, and someone is actully worried about the oc called an embarrassment??? WOW.

This poor man has been given some great advice here, I hope he does call the Harleys and does work this out with his wife. It can be done. It is has been over and over again. Forgivness does happen, and life does go on and you can and will be happy again. As long as you both choose what is best for you two, the rest falls into place.

Lynn,

When I responed, It will be on the MOM and TH tread.

As far as GH, I hope he comes back and let's us know his and the W's progress.

TH