MB has taught me to be forthright. To stand up for myself. To do the right things, even if they aren't the comfortable things that make me feel warm and fuzzy. And to NOT ACCEPT crumbs from somebody I have a relationship with...

That being said, I officially announce that I am once again the very single girl. Sad. I found out tonight the guy I'd been seeing actually went out with his former girlfriend. We had been very very close to a committment, and had been by most accounts by his family and friends, just about there...and had had serious discussions...issues regarding relocation, etc. But now I find the biggest issue I have are sins of omission. He simply "forgot" to tell me that he'd gone out with her.

I have had a few instances over the last 2 weeks where he promised to call me and never called back...where he also suddenly went unaccounted for one whole night...when he was supposed to call me at our usual time. We also were supposed to see each other this weekend...but I ended up getting my son and he was acting wierdly. Just nervous sounding...and having been a former in another lifetime ago when I was married, a BS, I can totally see through when somebody is being less than truthful with me. So I shot him an email today saying that his recent behavior has made no sense to me and that maybe we shouldn't see each other if his priorities have shifted away from us...we had been VERY VERY CLOSE to a serious committment.

He called me back after work immediately after reading the email. He was caught off guard, and just accidentally blurted out, "well peach, I am so sorry. I have something I should have said. I went out with C. You were right. I still care for you but I have some unresolved feelings for the xgf. But still more for you."

I don't accept that. And while we aren't in a committment officially, it was damning enough to me to end it tonight with him, with dignity and calmness.

I am only teary right now. Thought for sure he was it. He may still be. But the dust will have to settle and time will have to pass. As I said tonight, one of my favorite quotes was from Princess diana..in fact, it's below. I said it to him gracefully tonight as I said that I do not compete with any other women, that I shall never do so, and that since he did not tell me he did this, that I feel nothing else but to bow out gracefully...as three is a crowd. My stomach is totally lurching.

It's in these moments I feel like exclaiming to the world "I will NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN!"...never! Or some dramatic line from gone with the wind or something.

I told him that if and when he is able to see his life more clearly, and if he is able to place my son and I in that spot of high priority (aka committment), that he can call me and we can talk...unless I am no longer a single girl at that time or place in my life as I am moving on.

He was shocked. He couldn't believe I said that to him. I told him that it was ok. That I needed to have only known this earlier, as I passed up a few offers for dates this week. He was shocked again to hear that.

I told him since obviously he has gone out with somebody and neglected to inform me about that, that I need to take some time away from this and search myself and see what it is I want to do. And that most likely, I would see others. I told him it is not acceptable to simply after the fact tell somebody you've been seeing for several months that you've gone out with your xgf (who lived w/him for 2 mos). That it's just not right.

When I told him that I would no longer phone him or try to contact him, he was also shocked. I again repeated my princess diana quote at him.

Why did he go out with this girl? A girl who from all of his accounts had a questionable reputation? Somebody who was untrustworthy and cheated on him? His answer: well you live so far away... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> She's horrid! She is and has been living with another guy, very very manipulative, a drama queen, can't do things for herself, and has pursued him relentlessly the last month since she found out he was dating me from others at his firm. She also works there. So much for the darn workplace relationships huh? She also happens to have been engaged to ANOTHER GUY as of two months ago and was living with him. WHY DO PEOPLE WANT TO BE AROUND SERIAL LIARS AND CHEATERS LIKE THIS WOMAN? WHY WHY WHY? SHE IS SOMEBODY'S FORMER WS AND IS AGAIN A WS WAITING TO HAPPEN. Doesn't know what it's like to ever be faithful to anybody. And here is my nice, stable, intelligent and successful guy I am dating...whom SHE CHEATED ON last year, and when she sees him being happy and dating somebody else...she pursues him. I hate this stuff. I am NOT GONNA BE INVOLVED. Done. Finito. Arrividerci.

I did NOT tear up at all. Was very composed and ladylike. I said to him, "well if and when you realize that distance is simply something that in a good relationship is just one small thing to overcome, and that a relationship based on honesty, love and truth is important, then you can contact me."

He then went on to ask me information about "who is a great doc back home?" as his mom broke her arm...and he asked me to email him and call him with info on that (my bro in law is a surgeon also and he knows him) tomorrow. he tried like heck to try to get me to break my boundaries by saying I'd talk to him or converse with him about it. I agreed to simply send him a one paragraph email tomorrow with the contact info on it. I said that was all the contact I will provide, as I love his mom alot and she knows me well.

I refuse to ever be strung along. Not ever again.

You see, when you SURVIVE an ordeal as I had done with my lying cheating cheater of an xh, you simply do not accept nor do you choose to accept anything less than your boundaries/expectations. I have recently turned down several dates b/c of the direction things were headed. Tonight, J actually said to me "well I do have some unresolved feelings for her, but I certainly know how I feel for you". BLEECH!

My response? "Well J, I am saddened by this decision of yours. I can't offer any advice to you on this, except my favorite other quote...Einstein's "definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the outcome to be different." I told him that he'd have to alone without my input or help in this matter decide what was right for him...and that if and when he decides he is finally done with this drama queen, then he can phone me then or shoot me an email as I am never going to revisit any relationship with a drama involving a third person...even if it is only in dating. That I am happy and alone now. That I am happy with him, and I am happy without him. That if and when he realizes his choice was poor, then he can contact me, and hopefully for his sake I might still be single.

I made him no promises whatsoever. He kept trying to get me and bait me into continued contact. I told him I hoped that he didn't think me mean or cruel, but that to save MY feelings I felt it best that I disconnect from him and end this. He then said, "well I will definitely call you and tell you what I am doing. I will let you know what I am thinking and what I decide to do about us. I did not know or think this could happen. I feel horrible and guilty. I suddenly am worried you won't even be available when I do realize all of this."

I said "no I don't want to hear it." I said only contact me if and when you feel your choices are different and potentially permanent for us...for I am moving on with or without him...and that for now, it's without him.

He apologized and sounded really sad. He isn't an outright liar...he is not a bad person. This is as close to cheating as he's ever done. Never did it when we dated for three years. Never came close. And yea, this woman is a ho and a predator. And I realize that I am not in that city. That I am not there for him all the time. But that also he has not been recently there for ME either.

I am very very sad. Disillusioned. This was supposed to be it. He even said that "I thought this would end out differently for us. I never thought Peach you'd do this. I don't know what to say." My entire family thought differently. HIs family thought differently. And he goes out and does this.

I am crushed again.

However, I have the greatest blessing in the world. I have my son. I am happy BEING THE MOM OF MY SON. I am happy being a family of two. I no longer need anybody to complete myself and when things aren't right if I am dating (althought this was what I believed to have been the one), then I have enough self respect and courage to NOT accept it. The last 3 years have taught me to learn how to be happy and alone and happy with somebody else potentially.

I'm just crushed.

But I'll survive.

Again, a healthy and loving family of two (me and little fella) is all I need. I feel sad because I let my guard down finally after darth. I let my heart open up. I for one moment in time, donned rose colored glasses.

Why is this so hard? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

JP
You are one strong woman; i admire you for standing up for your principles and yourself. My prayers are with you.

I'm sorry it didn't work out the way you expected, Peachy.

Don't be too hard on him though. Long-distance relationships are really hard. They are even harder if your top ENs are SF, RC, AS, DS, and Affection. Conversation, admiration and even financial support can be arranged from a distance. Possibly domestic support, but I think that depends on how you define it. The others can't.

Though I agree he should have told you about his unresolved feelings for his girlfriend rather than let you go along thinking everything was honky-donky and that you were going be betrothed soon.

Hugs.

I'm sorry you're in this position peachy.

Two things stand out to me. He said "I will let you know what I am thinking and what I decide to do about us. I did not know or think this could happen. I suddenly am worried you won't even be available when I do realize all of this."

From my perspective this shows a selfish, self centered attitude. One that does not give you equal consideration in the relationship.

This doesn't mean that he can't do better, obviously he must if in the future there's hope for you two, but watch for behavior that's all about him.

((((peachy))))

wow peachy, i am very sorry. this dating stuff is not easy. not easy at all. it is scarey to let our guards down, to let walls down, to have feelings, to be vulnerable because there is ALWAYS that chance we might get hurt. and hurt sux big time. i feel for you, i really really do. but, i am a firm believer that we must live our lives and to live means taking chances. and taking chances means we might get hurt, but at least we tried.

i don't understand his behaviour.... i agree with you that distance is not that big of an obstacle if there is love and trust and honesty and if you really want it to work. if two people really want something anything can be overcome, anything. it might be more work ldr but isn't any relationship work? it is if it is worth anything.

this may not be the last you hear from him peachy. i think you two really had something. i think maybe he is having some fears, some questions, some unresolved feelings. HE SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU, absolutely. i am sure he was scared to. you need to know he will be man enuff to always be honest about everything. no matter how painful it may be. my experience peachy is telling me, do NOT write him off completely yet. i have a feeling future behaviour would be much different than this one slip up. his history with you has shown he is not like this. maybe i am too much of a romantic but i just wouldn't write him off yet. i think you are going hear from him again. i think he does feel very badly about this. if it is not his character to act like this than trust me, he feels really really bad.

my thoughts are with you
mlhb

OH the games "us" men play!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

from the sounds of it you followed your "gut" and probably prevented yourself from further hurt or disappointment...

that being said....im sorry to read what happened....

also...NEVER...NEVER...lower your standards or accept certain behavior...

and NEVER let someone else dictate your self worth!!

this probably hurts, but after what we have all been through, speaking for myself, NOTHING will ever hurt as much as it did the first time....this type of stuff included!!

you sound like a strong woman....

hang in there!!

peachy, i sent you an email i think you should read concerning your sitch....
mlhb

{{{Peachy}}} I'm so sorry to hear this since everything seemed to be going so well in all your previous posts. It's also a little too close for comfort as I'm dating someone who did tell me up front that he still had feelings for his XGF - who left him, isn't good for him according to family and friends, but now that he's moving on, she suddenly wants him back - and I didn't take seriously enough how this would affect me as we've gotten closer.

The only thing I can add is that, for a long time, both you and I had lingering feelings for our XH's who were not nice people, not good for us, manipulative, dishonest, abusive, etc. I try to take this into account when wondering why he might still be attracted to someone who hurt him so badly.

It sounds like your guy might be feeling some fear of commitment and XGF is an excuse to slow down, to make sure you're "the one".

JP~
These darn xgf's that pop back in when they see the guy dating.

I had it happen too, and it hurts like crazy. The guy I dated, while only for 5 weeks, I could tell he was good quality guy and could see things with him.
Well, he went back to xgf. [who, he also, happens to work with]
I did run into him this week. He apologized for the way he ended it with me. He told me he was pulled in two different directions [having feelins for both] and she was a "known". That it wasn't fair to anyone, and that was why he ended it with me. I did not get the sense that he is extremely happy, at least, when I asked him that question, he couldn't give an answer. I guess I can take from that, no effort needed, and it was easier than trying something new. No growth in that.

You sound like you are on the right track. Pick up the pieces and keep moving.
He very well may be calling again, but we know the story, don't sit around too long waiting. Continue on.....

Take care of yourself.
K!

I'd forgotten to tell you in my earlier post I think did a great job keeping your boundaries & not accepting behavior that was less than you deserve. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm sorry you are sad, but way to go in keeping boundaries!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{PEACHY}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am so sorry to hear this. You are in my prayers (feel better already ???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

I sent you 2 emails and I got a reply saying you were away until July 4th. Do you have a new email?

I have been busy with school..I started clinical rotations in June. Fun (so far). Thtas why I havent been around too much.

Take care and keep your chin up.
Smiles,
Dawn

Peachy
Just wanted to add my condolences. Hopefully the reason you're not on the Board tonight is that you've found something more interesting to do than wallow in self-pity. You're a strong woman, and I know you'll get through this!

I am so sorry peachy. I am feeling some of the same emotions as you currently. I am so sad I can't even make a smart [censored] remark or flirt. Yeah, it's that bad. Please know there is a community here that can offer solace. My thoughts are with you.

Hugs and prayers....and Peachy one thing about GRITS we really are Steel Magnolias

Update: He called at 145 this afternoon. I didn't answer. I wasn't home. He left message saying basically that he wanted to CHECK IN...(wierd) and that he wasn't sure if it was he or me who accidentally hung up last night (our talk was 3 hours and he called me back each time). He claimed he kept trying to call me back last night but he heard my modem? ( i was here on mb and online w/my sis and best friend im'ming). so apprently he's thought about this for say...15 hours? and then thanks me for the brief one line email I sent with the doctors for his mom to contact about her arm. He then says Hi and hopes I am having a great day and says he'll talk to me soon.

So he's already breaking a boundary on day two. I am glad he didn't call my cell. I actually dialed his number to leave him a vmail...AND I STOPPED. it will show sadly, I was on his caller id...but NO MESSAGE OR VMAIL whatsoever from me.

Am sad tonight but having a blast with my son. going back to a movie with him. he's incredible. and no, I don't usually ever drink much. and yea, skyy doesn't have hangovers after. woke up at 10. sleepy but we had a good morning. it's been "all about my son" day and we're having some good quality time together.

It totally sux about J. I am down. Rally am.

Sing...one of my fav. movies is Steel Magnolias and darn it...I AM PROUD TO BE A GRIT!

gekko...I feel your pain. I feel hapless a bit. but then I realize that I will not let a bad man keep me down (from bridget jones 1)

avondale...hey buddy...no more wallowing. having good night with ds. we had a blast today. went car shopping, to toy store (for magic tricks for son) and to bahama breeze. one margarita only.

sunrise...congrats honey on your starting clinicals! you're gonna do incredibly well. I have had trouble with that email account. do me a fav. drop the "s" in the email addy and try again...I started an alternative addy which is working properly. thank you for your positive thoughts. need em.

cyllanllisa...thank you for the support. boundaries are difficult to establish...but you feel better after the good fence is in place I can tell you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

karona. sorry to hear you were also the victim of a "known". but I am a "known" to him also! And I am the lesser of the two "known" evils by a country mile! she is now a certifiable train wreck and I shall hereby call her "the train wreck" from heretofor! We shall survive! Next time he tries to talk and looks sad, offer my favorite Einstien quote to him...tell him to apply it to his life "definition of insanity is to do same thing over and over and expecting outcome to be different."

Let'stry...I don't know. He thought the Train Wreck was the one a while back. She used her manipulation and fact her child's dad is somebody she basically had a one nighter with to guilt him into a serious relationship...boo hoo my baby ain't got no daddy...stuff. she is a psychotic paralegal who actually earlier this year broke into his house after they broke up. she is definitely the train wreck...your quote : "It sounds like your guy might be feeling some fear of commitment and XGF is an excuse to slow down, to make sure you're "the one". "...I just don't know if he thinks I am the one. I thought so just a few weeks ago. but who knows.

sturgis> SERIOUS WORDS OF WISDOM FROM THIS GUY! "also...NEVER...NEVER...lower your standards or accept certain behavior...

and NEVER let someone else dictate your self worth!!

AWESOME STURGIS!

vowsrsacred: thank you for your kindness and support. again, boundaries don't feel good to put up do they? but they offer solace and protection when in place. worth the effort.

GG: yea, it's hard long distance. And I didn't even think a thing about it b/c of our past. he was so trustworthy and he knows I don't cheat. plus I know one of us when the time was appropriate would probably initiate a closer move...me? I would NOT move unless a ring with concrete wedding date. and my legal ducks for ds lined up.

nams: Thank you for the excellent advice and the cyber hug. I will read into any future or possible interactions. Can somebody be in a dating fog? Is there fog in the dating world? his words are SO MUCH LIKE A WS...VERY MUCH...right not it is all about him. this woman is toxic and passive aggressive in a horrid way. she was honey sweet to him all the while and would insidiously slide in cruel comments to him...and would do very dishonest things to others around them at the firm. I fear she would also hurt his professional life too. but this is for him to figure out. let's hope J is as smart as I thought he was. I am still staying disconnected for now.

Peachy, I don't see calling you as "boundary breaking," at least not at this point. If he cares about you, and knows he screwed up and wants to make a change, there has to be a way to let you know. So, I cut him slack.

I know you're not ready yet.... But when you do start to date again, may I make a suggestion? Try dating someone who is "not your type." It worked for me.

I would never have thought M. would be my type. He wasn't. And our first date was fun, but not mind-blowing. There were a bunch of little things that led me to believe he wasn't my type. But, since my type hadn't worked out all that well, I thought, sure, I'll give him a chance.

The relationship has developed more slowly, in part because I'm gunshy, in part because he's so different from other men I dated I have a hard time reading him. However, I'm awfully glad I did.

Just a thought.

GG...thanks for the tip. I am gonna keep an open mind. getting ready 2 take ds to brunch..then home to straighten stuff up and then to pool.

Is my type in some ways...but not physically as he's not the usual "type" guy I am attracted to. Not like he was when I dated him in college...let's just say that when we first saw each other he said "wow peach you haven't changed a bit...and it seems I have"....he gained a little bit of weight..but that didn't bother me. it's the PERSON I like..being with darth, who looks like a movie star, taught me that hot guys can be rotten...and apparently, even average guys can be too. bleech.

my type is now "internal" rather than external...but I still have a few requirements. setting that damn bar I am afraid still. but I am far more open than I was a few years back when I began this journey into singledom.

Yes he can try. but I know darn it he was probably out with her last night. And he's gonna have to respect MY boundaries...which is...when I told him he can call me WHEN HE'S DONE W/THIS. Until then? I don't want to know or hear anything. And who knows what I will do in the meanwhile? I know I need to back off totally from this and explore other options. In fact, those were my very words to him.

my best friend said it sounded like what a guy would say to a girl..."back off and explore other options". oh well...i work with mainly guys so this might be the reason why.

well peachy, i agree with some of what you say. i understand the hurt and the anger. and as all of us well know whose marriages ended due to infidelity, our radar is up 150%. we know from being cheated on ( and I was more than once and you were too i believe) that we will not have that in our next relationships. I know what it is like to have the radar up and have it go off. sometimes incorrectly, but not usually. we have gotten pretty smart after going through years of it. i think we also know that we would NEVER EVER be an "OTHER WOMAN". i know myself, and i am sure you too peach, would never do that to someone else. i would never go out with someone, go to dinner with someone, nothing, that i knew was in a relationship. i would never sleep with someone who was in a relationship. i am NOT a cheater and never will be. and i will NEVER be the cause of 2 people breaking up their relationship. after going through the pain of it myself, i would never ever do that to another woman. i think many of us here feel the same way. i am also very careful to keep my friendships with men who are with so's (either married or dating) very platonic. i do not over step my boundaries. it is called respect.

your (x)bf, this woman who he had dinner with, etc, she KNEW DARN WELL YOU TWO WERE TOGETHER and pursued him anyway. she knew you two were trying to build something and she just could not stand it. i have ZERO TOLERANCE OR RESPECT for a woman like that. zero. they are like predators or something, very selfish, only out for what they can win, they can have, they can take away. only out for themselves. i am so not cut from that cloth. i would so like to go and slap that woman silly for you peachy. but, i have never hit anyone in my life and might break a nail. but, it would be worth it. why can't woman like that just go away, far far away. preying on him, knowing he is vulnerable. definite beech.

but...... as i said before, i would not totally write this man off yet. he is NOT a cheater from what history shows. i think he is afraid, bottom line. he's scared of where you two are going. i think this is motivated by fear and frustration over the distance (which is not really that far anyway, you can drive there easy!) i think he made a mistake, i think he knows it, i think he is feeling it big time. and honestly peach, how do you know he was out with her last night? the images we put in our head are usually so much worse than the reality. don't torture yourself sweetheart. i think, i BELIEVE you two can get past this. i know i am in the minority here, but i am sorry, i do. maybe not tomorrow. but i think you guys can get past this and end up with a closer relationship. you two need to do some heart pouring gut wrenching heart to heart talking and crying. i am telling you, it can bring you closer.

just my 2cents....

mlhb

I agree this relationship may not be over BUT there are behaviors BF needs to take responsibility for.

When he says I'll let you know...when I decide...This is not relationship talk this is looking out for him talk. Doesn't mean he can't learn from this mistake only that there are a few things going on here that BF needs to understand & own.

Yes, peachy, keep an open mind. However, don't act on his timetable, act on yours. When & if you feel ready. This may indicate some intrinsic behaviors & beliefs BF has about relationships. His behavior will speak for itself.