Hi y'all.

My divorce will be final any day now and I can't believe that I am ready for it to happen. It has been 2 1/2 years of a nightmare and I am finally beginning to see the light of day again.

However, I am still having episodes of extreme sadness. I spent 18+ years married to the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. The waste of what could have, and should have been fills me with so much sadness.

My STBXH is still with the OW but denies it. He has been caught with her many times by our kids but he still denies it. The OW is telling her kids that they will have my kids in the family soon. When my kids ask my STBXH, he denies even dating the OW. In fact, he denies ever having the affair now. OMG! Everyone in this little town knows about the affair. Right now, his main goal is to convince everyone that the divorce is happening because of me and something that I have supposedly done to him. Of course, he can't, or won't, elaborate as to what I have done.

This week, he even accused me of being pregnant and getting an abortion. Wow! Also, he got custody of a cockatiel in the divorce but he didn't come to get it. Well, this week, it died. He had the bird autopsied to prove that I killed it. I could have just vomitted because I can't even kill a mouse in a mousetrap.

What I have noticed most of all is that he still isn't happy. I heard for two years about how he wasn't happy so he should get a divorce. Well, the divorce is almost final and yet he's still miserable. I, on the other hand, was devastated by the divorce when it began and now I am finally happy. The only time I'm not happy is when I am dealing with my STBXH or when a wave of grief comes over me.

Is all of this pretty normal for new divorces?

Loni

i cannot speak for anyone else but i will be dancing in the streets when mine is final. champagne anyone?
mlhb

hey loni....

long time NO TALK!!!

i was actually lurking around the other day and looked to see if you had put up anything new....

you are just starting down a new road and as i put it when i just started my D after my X's A...

it is the "best worst thing" that ever happened to me!!!

you will go through some self pity...lonliness...alot of questions...anger and remorse....

its all part of griveing...my therapist put it into perspective one time and said the differnece b/t a BS and WS is that the BS "never stopped loving"....

we are forced to "play the cards" dealt to us and looking back now almost 3 years....

ive had quite and adventure!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

keep in touch!!

Loni, it sounds perfectly normal. One thing my mother told me is that over time, the bad memories fade. You still know why you divorced the SOB, but the bad memories fade. I find that too. Until I have to deal with my ex, that is. Then, I remember the dickens of a live we led.

On the other hand, your ex's behavior is pretty extreme. He had the bird autopsied? He could have bought a new bird for that price. Plus, aren't cockatiels parrots? Parrots are very susceptible to draughts and colds, I've heard.

The situation with the other woman sounds like a fiasco in the making. Maybe he doesn't want to marry her after your divorce is final.

[editted to remove the self-evident] LOL [color:"purple"] [/color] [color:"purple"] [/color]

Loni,

All sounds very normal. Cheating spouses lie to the point where they truly believe their own lies. They make complete fools out of themselves.

You have to go through the healing and the sadness, anger, anxiety and finally acceptance. It takes lots of time.

Keith

Hi Loni, I haven't posted to you before, but I'm entering the divorce as we speak. My WH, STBXWH, is trying to deflect away the fact that his adultery is the dealbreaker in our M, too. He wants to say it's because I'm mentally unbalanced, etc.

If you read my thread on GQII, you'll see he even called DCF and said I was a threat to our children because I was an abusive drunk who was bi-polar and wasn't taking her meds. All because I caught him back in his affair with the little 21 year old after a 6 month hiatus.

Even WH's worthless brother (one of the main reasons we broke up) reminded WH when he first started his A, "Don't cheat on the bi+ch, because everyone will remember you cheated, and no one will remember how horrible she was." In a sick way, he is right, but that is because cheating is such a disgusting thing to do. That is why your X is trying to deny the A. He KNOWS that he will lose all credibility when the evidence shows his ulterior motives.

Keep the faith!

Hi everyone and thanks for the feedback. STURGIS... it's been a long time. How are you doing?

A new development with the continued fog of my STBXH, he told me Friday that he isn't paying me a dime of child support. It was due on the 1st and he was supposed to give me a check on friday. When I confronted him on this, he told me to go talk to my lawyer. Sure, 6pm on Friday is the easiest time to get in touch with a lawyer. LOL.

I told him that my lawyer had already told me that the money will come even if it is taken out of his checks as extra payment along with the normal witholding he will have taken every week. The problem is that the witholding order can take another 6weeks to take effect. School clothes, senior pictures and the house payment will just have to wait, I guess.

On a sidenote, I have been dating a guy for 2 months. Everything has been going great, in fact, we started saying "I love you" 2 weeks ago. I know I will probably get a few 2x4s for that. Here is the problem... This weekend I started getting mixed signals from him. I haven't dated in 22 years. What do I do with this? I think I should just lay low and let him call me. Our mutual friends feel that he is freaking out over having someone treat him as well as I have. He never had anyone treat him well before. I think he might be more scared than I am about getting hurt again.

I don't want to play games in any relationship. But, how do I respond to this? Pretend it doesn't bother me? Call him and ask what is going on? Wait for him to call and then tell him how I feel? I need some help guys. What do you think?

Loni

I'm not a guy but I'll toss in my two cents.

Let him call you. See if your feelings about him distancing himself are reinforced. If they are tell him how you're feeling, how his behavior is making you feel. See what he's got to say.

hey loni....

ill call it as i see it......

RE-BOUND!!!!!!!

ill say it again, just in case you missed it.....

RE-BOUND!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

two things that will send you mixed signals from men....

the first and biggest one for me....is someone saying the "L" word too soon......

if its less than a 6 months to a year.....my advice...

RUN FOR THE HILLS!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

that screams of neediness....

second......

99% of men....DO NOT SEND "signals"....thats a womans job... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

if you feel like your getting "mixed signals"....then SLOW down....

the signals are probably your "dating" gut taking over...as "rusty" as it may be....

slow WAAAAYYY down and date MANY guys....coffee dates, lunch dates....etc...

nothing seriuos, no strings attatched...

and for GAWDS sake.....(or....sake...thats always good with sushi!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

NO "I LOVE YOU" 's for at least a year!!

for cryin out loud....your sounding like my teenage daughter!!!!

remember.....NO "L" word!!

thats all for now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi Loni

Been there, done that.

I think that you will find, even when the divorcing person wants the divorce, that there still can be a great deal of saddness over it. In my case, I didn't want my XH back, but I grieved the loss of my family and what the divorce did to my kids for a while. For me, someone who values marriage and family and who doesn't come from a broken home herself, episodes of big saddness even five years later was to be expected. (My divorce took four years, off and on, because we have a high needs child together.) When my divorce was in its final stages, I sought help for situational depression. A stint on meds and time in counselling ensured that my bout of saddness remained only that and that I bounced back quickly.


Bingo! This is why, when most folks come to MB, we talk to them about changes THEY need to make to be happier in their marriage, rather than joining them in pointing fingers at their spouses. Most marriages that are the result of an affair end in divorce.


Keep your head high. It sounds like you're doing the right thing, Loni, as painful as it is. Your H needed to accept some responsibility for his unhappiness and it sounds like he still hasn't.


Mrs. W8ing

Loni, you are still feeling extreme saddness over the loss of your marriage and still fighting your STBX. Be very careful in this new relationship. Remember that your kids need you more right now than this new man does.

A book that really helped me at this stage of my life, when I was divorcing and dating again, was a book called "In the Meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant. It is very possible that you can have a good, "healing relationship" with this new boyfriend. Is he hurting now, too? I'm guessing he might be. Just don't expect him to be "the one". Your head is in too many different places right now to really see him as anything but "the one who will get you through this".

Been there, done that, too, and no, I didn't marry him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />


Mrs. W8ing

Thanks everyone, the boyfriend did break up with me. I never got a good idea of "why". He first told me that it looked like we were headed for marriage and he didn't want to ever get married again. Then he told me about having unresolved feelings for his ex. I don't know. I miss him but I decided to do the right thing and not fight it. If we were meant to be then we would be. If not, then it would be just wasting both of our time pushing something when the real thing is out there.

I am dating, dating dating. I don't know guys. This dating thing is not what I am used to doing. I have been married my entire adult life and with the same man for most of my life. How do you date so many guys at one time? It's exhausting. I think I am going to slow down and date this one guy for now. I am keeping the lines of communication open with my other dates but I want to just focus on one. Don't get me wrong... I am not talking about serious relationship. Just keeping my dates to one man. I think he is very nice and I want to get to know him better without all the distraction.

My problem is how to tell the other guys. Some of them seem to really like me and want to date me more. What do I do?

Loni (aka not a dating princess)

I am getting so much feedback from all of my friends about dating again. Half say dive right in. The other half tell me to not even think about it yet. It felt right when I was dating my boyfriend but none of these dates feels anything like that.

I don't know. I like to date but the idea of a relationship right now is scary. I probably do need to heal first.

Also, I have this thing about seeing my stbxh with the ow and I am not seeing anyone. Stupid yes, but I feel like I am being judged for not having someone. Like no one would want to go out with me. I know that is not the truth since I have had more offers for dates than I can count.

This really stinks. I feel like hating my stbxh even more for making me be a single woman again. I only have a million reasons to hate him and 3 reasons not to (my kids)

Loni

Loni,
Some women have internalized the assumption that a woman's value is measured by the quality of the man on her arm. By extension, the woman with NO man on her arm is of least value. I know that's the case for my step-mother, who frequently judged me in young adulthood because I wasn't pursuing "high-quality" dates. Do you think that's what's going on with you? If so, I encourage you to just spend some time with yourself, re-considering that assumption and whether that's really how you want to measure your value. Perhaps you can find some helpful reading material in the woman's interest section of a large bookstore?

Loni ~ Don't know you, but feel like I can identify right with you.

I'm just past 2 yrs post divorce FYI. Ex had an affair with coworker back in 1999. It ended our marriage ultimately.

Anyway, let me say some very difficult to hear things to you as one who has traveled these paths before you.

1. The more you date now...the more you will cloud up and mask & distort your own personal recovery.

2. There are NO SHORT CUTS to recovery from divorce. Everyone must do the time and the work at one time or the other.

3. Honestly, what would you tell your best friend in the same situation?? Get out there & date like a machine, or take time to slow down, heal, recover, take care of your kids, find your own life again, etc? Listen to your own advice you would give others.

4. Your marriage was a looonnngggg one. It will take a substantial amount of time to get past it & be ready for anything else.

5. Rebound relationships hurt!! They do damage. They delay recovery. Be careful.

6. You probably don't really know what true love can feel like right now. None of us did at that point. So why go down that road? Why use those words??? They aren't authentic if you examine your heart carefully.

Join a divorce recovery group at a local church. It will do wonders for you.

God bless,
High Flight

Loni,

I can speak from experience. When I dated right after my divorce I did it not because I was really wanting the person I was dating, but I wanted them to want me which felt good. I felt so unwanted after being rejected and cheated on, when someone came after me that I was somewhat attracted to physically I couldn't give myself to them as one should in a proper relationship, I was emotionally damaged and just unable to give those types of feelings, they all still were aimed toward my ex however much I hated the fact. I was using this person as a emotional tampon so to speak.

It took years for me to heal, it has been over eight years now and sometimes I still have sad feelings come over me about what could have been. Broken dreams are always hard to get over especially seeing what the divorce did to our daughter, which is probably why I get sad feelings still. If I do get remarried I want to make sure it is with the right woman, and I have found that the power of prayer brings to light things that may have been hidden from blinded eyes. Thus my name here blind will see.

My suggestion to you would be to live your life and figure out who you are and start to like you and know what you can and can't handle by being you and not dating for a while. Dating will only confuse you on who and what you are. Get comfortable in your own skin for while, then when you are dating can be an option. I am not saying you can't go out for lunch or dinner or a movie or something like that but keep it on the friendship level only. If a guy doesn't want to be friends first then they probably are not worth dating anyway. Good luck.

M

I was just strolling over from the GQII board and look who I found!

Hi Loni!

You've got (should have) mail!

Thanks everyone for the great advice and support. I have slowed down the dating quite a bit. I am keeping it to lunch or dinner, or just talking online or on the phone. I know I am extremely vulnerable to attention, especially sexual. The end of my marriage left me feeling very unattractive and non-sexy. I know differently now but I don't want a relationship based on sex or need. I really do hope I fall in love again someday and that God will provide me with a marriage that is truly wonderful for both of us.

I miss my farmer a lot but I haven't, and won't, contact him. I know that I will get over that in time.

I am having a really hard time dealing with the fact that my stbxh will marry the sow (skanky other woman) as soon as our divorce is final. How have you all dealt with that?

Kris

ex didn't marry the gf but he did move in with her two weeks after the D was final. ex worked with her for years, bought a car from her a few weeks after moving out & I believe had been seeing her before he said he wanted to D. He denied, but I believe it's so & will until proven otherwise.

I just focus on my boys. All I want from her is to be nice to my boys.

hey loni....

hang in there...it does get easier as time goes on...

enuff with the retoric!..


""The end of my marriage left me feeling very unattractive and non-sexy. I know differently now but I don't want a relationship based on sex or need. I really do hope I fall in love again someday and that God will provide me with a marriage that is truly wonderful for both of us.""


in my opinion...(thats all that really matters to me anyway...) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

sexy and sexiness is to the most part a "state of mind"...as an example, i find a confident woman "sexy", i find a woman that is independant also "sexy"...

thats not to say, that if im attracted to someone and they have these certain qualities that it makes them more sexy or less sexy if they dont, men are very visual, and that plays a big part in getting noticed...

i heard a saying that i liked, "looks will get you noticed, your personality will get you everywhere"...

go back and read some of my old posts to you on yor other spot in GQII....

the best remedy right now is "DO" something for YOU...pamper yourself...manicure, pedicure, make-up, hair....go to gym....go sky diving...anything that makes you feel good...

when your happy inside...everyone notices and "THATS ATTRACTIVE"!!!

plus it dosent hurt to "smell good" too!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

(but you already know all this stuff)

thats all for now!!