Do I suck it up? Or do I try to confront? He left early this morning to go to the gym... there is one hour that isn't accounted for, although he says he was at the gym. A load of bull, yes. His email to her said that he couldn't wait to see her this morning. So, I know they were together.

help.

What parts of Plan A have you done? Confronting? Exposing?

You need to tell him how you feel- without DJ or other
love busters. Being in Plan A doesn't mean you "suck it up".
You tell him of the pain his affair is causing you- focus
on "I" statements.
Also, have you exposed this affair?

I haven't exposed his affair yet to his boss... because there is potential military justice that would be involved and I'm not ready to take that route yet. There are people at work that know, and I've told his father. His mom, I'm not sure if I should, because she was the BS by his dad. So, I think she'd do more damage than good. His sister, wouldn't make a difference. She wouldn't care.

Just got off phone with him and I wasn't accounting for shower and cool down. There was around 45-50 minutes that I couldn't place, but with the shower and cool down, it accounts for every minute. He wouldn't have had time to go see her. So he was where he said he was.

He'll still see her at work this morning. He was upset with me, but I did explain that by him willingly telling me where he was for every minute shows me that he can be trusted. He's still mad... and I'm afraid it may have been a LB, even though I was calm. I tried to let him know how happy his honesty made me. That I appreciated it and I knew how much he hated to have to account for every second with me. But that I appreciated the effort and hope he could understand. And that I loved him very much.

He was still frustrated with me (not angry) by the time we were off the phone, but at least he was honest with me in that.

Will you please elaborate on this?

He's military? Is she?

If either are, you have a weapon most others do not.

Read the exposure link in my sig line below for more information.

Ok... yes, they are BOTH military. WH has also threatened if I tell his commander then we ARE through, regardless. Yes, that threat holds a lot of water for me. Shouldn't but it does. So, I'm hold that weapon until Plan B... when he still hasn't given her up. He knows that I know what could happen. He knows that I could go that direction... and that I'm still considering it. It's more of a fear that I'll expose with that option right now. And I really really don't think that it is the right thing to do right now. Later, yes, but right now no.

I've looked things up on the UCMJ. He 1)committed adultery 2)committed such act with another military member 3) that person was a subordinate in an extreme fashion 4)his actions took him away from his job... when he was supposed to be working (he told me that he was working but he didn't have to be there until much much later) during the day, he went to a different TOWN to see her without notifying anyone, much less his WIFE 5) his actions have affected the squadron. Yes, I understand why so many of the guys don't really like to hang out with him anymore. Because they honestly LIKE ME and they are upset that he could do that to me. Not that they are all honorable either... but if I were a nasty person, they could justify it. But I'm nice. Likeable... perky. And they've confronted him about it. More than once. That's what WH has said to me and the people themselves (once I exposed the A to them).

Wow, a two stage nuke.

You are the most powerful woman on the planet to both of them.

This is why your H said this:

Do a search for posts by heroswife. She hesitated to expose to her H's CO, but she finally did. Last I "talked" to her her family was doing very well in recovery. And her story is not unique.

Don't hold that weapon until Plan B. Don't hold it at all.

Current poster Mortarman has a lot of knowledge in this area, being military himself. Others here do as well.

If you want your marriage, this is your best bet. Go to the CO today.

WAT

I'm so scared. In fact: terrified. I've read through some of heroswife's post and they have helped. But I also think that going straight to the commander is a potentially BAD thing. I'm going to go indirectly and speak with his wife since we are good friends. I feel that I can trust her judgement in this.

But yes... I'm terrified. Beyond description. I'll have heck to pay, but my mom said, "but you're having heck to pay NOW." Good point.

I hope that WH can forgive me.

Can you call the harleys...

Is your husband in counseling with you.....

what the double heck does this mean...???

I hope that WH can forgive me.

lets see

he has three children
and this is his second affair..

and you
hope
he
can
forgive


YOU?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

your fog is thicker than his....

tell me alllll about you steller plan B you have in your back pocket....

cause that's what you need to get ready to go...

then you plan A for 2-3 more weeks....
and then you launch

ARK

Your Mom is wise and you are normal.

Of course you're terrified! Any normal person would be.

But I promise you that if you resolve to do everything in your power to battle this, your H will end up more terrified than you.

Is the OW married? If she is, you know what I'd say, right?

If you're comfortable talking with the CO's wife, do so as a friend - not as a surrogate for the CO. Don't put her in that position.

ark's suggestion to consult with an MB counselor is a good one. What is your reaction to this?

Plan B is not available to you until your H moves out - if ever. I think ark's point on this is to assume he might leave upon exposure and be ready for Plan B if he does. She'll correct me if I'm reading her wrong. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

But don't use Plan B preps as an excuse to put off exposure to the CO.

Whatever you do, DO NOT THREATEN your H with going to the CO. If OW is married, DO NOT THREATEN your H with exposing to her H.

Yep, scarry as he!!. Lean on this forum for knowledge, strategy, and support.

Can you launch the nukes? Empower yourself. Yes, your H will react as you've never seen him. You will become the scourge of the earth. But the most powerful scourge.

WAT

I'm leaning VERY heavily on this forum. It's saving my sanity.

What I meant by forgiving me is by exposing him. I know and realize that it IS a LB, but a good and productive one, like a scab.

I know when this is fully exposed and he is faced with reality he will move out. He won't want to be around me. So, I know that my original plan to follow Plan A until around Christmas, is shaky and entirely dependent on when and if he moves out. And I am fully prepared for Plan B. No contact from me at all.

My HUGE concerns. We have bad credit. He has blamed ME for the financial mess, but I've discovered that his cash advances on CC are the things that have really messed that up... for us both. I am a SAHM. Meaning, I contribute nothing financially. I was a teacher, but currently hold no state certifications.

Also, he has said that it is HIS house (I know.. it really is OUR house, even though he pays the bill), because he is the one who pays for it. BUT: military law states that in the event of adultery HE is the one who would have to leave, not me, AND keep me in the same standard of living as I currently am now. He doesn't know this, I believe. Or hopes that I don't.

Money: I have NO savings. I have begun to stash a little aside, but only started within the last 2 weeks. So, hooray for my huge $50. Any more than that he'd know. Why? Because he's been in charge of the bills. I've tried to integrate myself more... but I can't much more without him seeing that I also monitor the CC activity.

So, Concerning the bank... I'm concerned that he will completely cut me off from the account and I will have ZERO means of cash. That's the kicker. Because I am entirely dependent on him. I know that I can rely on my church family to help if I need it, but our debt and bills is astounding. Going back to work right now isn't a great option because I have a 7 month old and two older children in school and child care would suck out the little money I could make.

What are my best options there?

I'm waiting on a call back from his boss's wife. Exposure is only a matter of time away today. And that terrifies me.

One more thing: do I tell I have evidence that he is emailing and calling her? because he'll accuse me of doing this and he's been "good". I know he's lied... and I DO have the proof in emails. But I don't want to let him know about that.

Yes. I'm working on getting that information. He's unlisted and out of state. But I'm getting VERY close to getting his number. The roster doesn't list HIS number, only hers.


That's my intention. I'm going to approach it as a "suspicion" on my part. As if I don't know, only suspicious and what does she think I should do.

We are seeing a MC, but have only been once. He referred to it as "bleak" and that it "only reminded him of how much he loves her". I'm still hopeful. We have another appt next week. If nothing else, it's helping ME cope with all this.


I agree... he repeatedly says he doesn't want to leave. But... inspite of the lies he tells me (that he wants this to work) he still emails her. Tells her that they have a perfect world they created. Sad... he KNOWS it's fantasy. Guess it's PAST time for me to shatter that world. After all, he destroyed mine.


Thank you. I think that's exactly what I was doing. What he has done is a court martial type of offense. And if it gets taken out of the hands of his commander, then it could get REALLY bad.


I did at first. He keeps asking if I will, to my answering "I don't know. I want to protect your career at all costs." I am worried that if I tell OW's H then her H will leave her and leave OW wide open. They have NO children and thus no physical ties... they were HS sweethearts, but... well, you know.




Thanks for the warning. It's going to be WW3 over here when all this comes down. And when he gets mad... he can be VERY scary. No, I don't believe I'm in any danger, but yeah... he'll be scary.

OK, you sound lucid and rational. Good. Please continue thinking with your brain instead of acting on your emotions.

....until the legal process kicks in.

Part of Plan B preps is getting legal protection that covers division of assets and sets financial responsibilities - along with child custody.

Do you have a legal resource? I'll bet there's something available in the military setting.


IMHO, your best options are to expose to OW's H if she's married as soon as possible and right after that to the CO or whatever authority is appropriate. Depending on what happens, seek legal help. There is no way you're gonna be left without any $$ support.


Tell whom? You don't need to tell your H. In fact, don't tell him anything of this.

Do you have copies of e-mails? Juicy ones? Yes, it will be important to show whatever hard evidence you have to make the case for an affair to OW's H and the CO. The juicier the better. WSs are very good liars and hard evidence is vital to refute them. This is why you don't tell the WSs of your evidence. It can prevent catching them in lies. Catching them in lies is important to destroy any claims of credibility and being "good".

WAT

Holy cow are they EVER juicy. Pretty darned graphic. And no matter how GOOD he is at lying, these emails (even if I never get another one...) are pretty condemning.

I was just wondering what I should do if he blows up at me and asks me things. Like how could I do it without proof. Like, how could I accuse him of things when they aren't true (even though I know that my accusation are proven fact).

You could tell him that you have all the proof you need, and the more he lies, the more any remaining trust that you have in him is damaged. You can also tell him that if he can't answer without lying, you prefer that he not speak at all, because you don't want to lose any remaining trust that you have in him.

good point, but he will press the issue and ask what proof. I know I'm sad... but I know how I will react in the face of his anger and I REALLY don't want to cave. I doubt I will, but I needs to have all my ducks in a row.

I worry about consulting an attorney. I don't even have $ for a retainer.

Man gave really good advice. Very good.

Your H very likely will rant and rave and demand proof.

Let him stew.

Tell him what Man recommended you say.

You gotta be strong and NOT cave.

BUT! - by the time he's demanding this "proof", it'll be too late. Because you will have avoided telling him that you're going to expose the affair, right? So even if you DO cave, it won't matter. But it's better if you don't cave. Make him worry and wonder what else you know and who you've told. This is the "more terrified than you" part I was referring to earlier. Let him be scared out of his wits. It can be humbling.

See what I meant earlier? You're the most powerful woman on his planet.

So, is OW married? If so, is her H military as well? I don't think we've ever had a four-fer here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT

Ok. Loud and clear. Do I warn him that I will expose, or simply wait for the storm when it happens?

And yes, OW is married. Her H is recently separated from the military because he washed out. They were in together and assigned HERE. After he got out, their personal problems began. So, after some time out of work, he gota job back in his hometown and that's where he is right now. SHe is still here... because of A with MY husband. She had considered getting out, until all this started. Now she is staying.

I'm not military, never have been. But I have been a GREAT military spouse. Honestly.

I'll simply tell him what you've all said to say (safest) and if he pressures me, I'll say that it really doesn't matter. He's still seeing her. And I can't accept that. That he HAS to leave and he cannot come home. Maybe if he gets her out of his life, then he can come back, but not before.

Another thing... I don't think I should contact OW, should I? I've only called her 3 times, and all 3 got voicemail. The first 2 were on the very day I found out and I was... well, MEAN. Used colorful language and told her to leave my H the )*Y#% alone. Obviously, that didn't work. I was simply reacting to my pain.

THe last time, it was a week or so later and my message was calm and I simply said that I wanted to ask her one more time to go away. That if she valued my marriage as she told my WH she does and if she valued HERS at all, then she would go away and NEVER come back. I was calm and polite in the message. No, she never answered. I've never even SEEN her in person. (But... I have seen naked pics, thanks to his email. And thanks to THAT, I'll forever be fighting the urge to compare myself to HER).

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

(loud and clear? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> )

Do you know how to get in touch with OW's H? He not being present changes the dynamic a little, perhaps. But there's NO REASON not to expose to him. Recommend you do it in soon before or soon after informing the CO.

If you don't know how to contact OW's H, do not delay informing the CO. Recommend to the CO that he be notified. Maybe that are required to do that anyway.

JMHO

WAT