Will he read anything you print from here?

Would he read this? I copied it from a post by Mr. Goodstuff. It really spoke to me and my WW.

I want to paraphrase an old post by a fellow named 2ofakind. I always admired him for his candor and logical way of thinking. He was a wayward spouse that rebuilt his marriage (with the help of his wife) into something really great. He helped me to take a step back in my marriage and view it from a distance. When I took a step forward back into the marriage I was better prepared to recover.

I was at month two and my wayward wife desperately wanted to save our marriage just as Honeygirl wants to save yours. It was me that was slowing the process. I was hurt, betrayed and crushed. I felt little hope or self-encouragement to move forward yet I stayed. I needed something more, something that would allow me to act instead of idly standing bye while my wife tried to soothe my damaged ego. I could not bring myself to accept her overtures.

It was 2ofaKind that suggested that it was ME who would decide whether of not I was willing to ALLOW recovery. He said something like,

“You CAN choose divorce and not even God will blame you, but you are staying and your choice to stay has consequences just like your wife’s choices. It means that you do not get to hold on to the “you are bad, I am good” trump card indefinitely. Ouch. Sure, in the initial phase of recovery you can expect her to do all of the heavy lifting and you can afford to be a bit self-righteous in your indignation. After all you were the good spouse and she was the bad spouse. Unfortunately as you are discovering, this is not a tenable position because if you are going to go from a walking trauma case back to a healthy, secure and happy human being in a solid relationship you need to get back to being equals. You might say, “I didn’t do anything to deserve this, she had the affair, it’s not fair”.

No, it isn't. It sucks actually but that does not make it any less true. If you choose recovery then you both must be responsible for it's success or failure. Obviously, if she keeps up contact or other destructive habits (privacy concerns, hiding things, unhealthy behaviors) all bets are off. If however, you have a horrified, repentant and desperate to reconcile wife and are unwilling to participate in the work then you are to blame for YOUR actions. While all of your choices may currently SUCK in a really big way, they are your choices. Your acknowledgment and acceptance of your choice to choose recovery makes you a responsible party to its success or failure. Further, it gives you back a little control over your life and that builds self-esteem.

For the first few months it is AMAZINGLY convenient to pull out the affair whenever an argument is going awry, isn't it? “Honey, it's your turn to do the laundry” ... “Well that may be true but YOU HAD AN AFFAIR!” Helluva trump card, ain't it? Putting it back in the deck will be a lot easier if you remind yourself that you are choosing recovery for the same reason your spouse is choosing to be faithful and repair the horrific damage she has done to the marriage - because all things considered, being happy and having a happy family is more important than being right.”

You have made note that your self-esteem has been wiped clean by your wife’s terrible betrayal. Believe me when I say that I know how you feel, unfortunately from firsthand experience. You may not have thought of this but you are not alone. There is another person whose self-esteem has taken a direct hit. You guessed it, your wife. Here’s the worst part. While yours gets better, hers gets worse. Remember this as one day it will fall to you to help her along. She wants to be a good person and she will look to you to legitimize her once again.

Please consider these words as you travel your road.

Mr. G

Mrs. Rob,

I love the post above. It really is perfect for your husband to read.

Next, he needs to hear about another part of the equation. Forgiveness.

He said to you that he MIGHT be able to forgive you.

To threaten to withhold forgiveness is not something a Christian person does, and perhaps a discussion he needs to have with the Bishop. Certainly, he needs to work his way toward forgiveness, if he truly plans to work on the marriage with you. To say he plans to try to save the marriage but withhold forgiveness are mutually exclusive activities. At some point, you might want to have that discussion with him. I can help with the concepts of forgiveness - I helped with RiverTam in the past, and have had to do some very large work in my own history prior to my FWH issues, so can maybe help you help your BS in this area.

But the thing here that bugged me was his LB the other night regarding SF. He wanted you, then rejected you. Completely unfair of him to say what he said, do what he did, and then throw the A in your face. This was all his anger, resentment, and desire to hurt you coming out in one big event. And he succeeded in hurting you in a very big way.

{{{{{{{Mrs.Rob}}}}}}}}

He does owe you an apology. You should ask for one, in a calm way. I would ask for one, and probably calmly say something like, "What happened last night really hurt me. The things you said and did were very painful, and I have been hurting about them all day. While I know that my A hurt you, it doesn't give you or anyone else free rein to cause me pain. Doing things like this will not help to rebuild our marriage. When you are angry with me, when you are in pain, or when you need to express unpleasant feelings, you need to TALK to me. It is not acceptable for you to do what you did, or say what you said, ever again. We are making a NEW MARRIAGE now. The OLD MARRIAGE IS DEAD. We both had a hand in killing it, and we will both have a hand in rebuilding the new one. You and I can start right now, by talking calmly about what happened. I would like you to start by telling me that you are sorry, that didn't mean what you said. Then, I would like to find out what you were really feeling, so that we can work through it so it never happens again. But this time, let's just talk - and the first rule is, we will talk like two people who love each other."

Or something like that. See how it works out. Calm, soft voice. Open, receiving tone. No matter what he says, your reaction must be calm, soft voice back. If he love-busts, just say calmly, "Well, I guess we can't talk just yet. Let me know when it's better for you, when it can be less emotional. I will be here for you. I promise, I want to do this when it's calm, because we need to be able to work it through calmly. The old way just never worked, did it? Let's just do this another time, maybe tomorrow. I love you." Then calmly do something else - don't push, or hold it against him. Just wait until he can do it without love-busting, and come back to it. The pattern just has to get broken. He is too used to being able to LB, and so that is where the conversation goes. Change the rules.......

You're moving in the right direction. Hang on, the road is a long one.

Try leaving something from MB around so he can read it. Like in the bathroom, where men seem to get so bored and spend SO MUCH TIME! ;-)

SB