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Thank you all so much for your replies! I'm going to read them over and over until it sinks in. I was still feeling anxiety and hostility last night over all this and I know that we're not supposed to R talk but BF was concerned and he kept kinda inviting me to talk about it so I did. He said that he thinks that most of his what we call "lumpiness" is because of the financial situation. He says that while he may feeling a little bit of withdrawal at times (usually caused by me bringing it up) since he has only talked to her twice in the last month the majority of that is gone. I guess we will have to wait until job/move to see if that is all reallt true. He also said that there have been times when he has tried to reach out to me and I was just too miserable to notice. He also said that he misses me when I am like that. Needless to say, I feel quite embarrassed about all that. I have felt much better since. The problem I have today is that I can't stop thinking about the A. I keep trying to distract myself so I don't think about it or let it bum me out. I would still appreciate any advice that anyone has about my situation. Maybe some of you who are already recovered or at least past my stage in the process can help me see the light at the end of the tunnel. What would be really helpful is maybe some examples of how the transition between not having romatic feelings of love to falling back in love happens. I hope that doesn't sound too silly. Make some up if you have to. I'm just not seeing how we get from here to there. I know that it will take time but I may be able to relax a little if I had an idea of what to expect or how changes take place. Take Care everyone! Thanks Again!
----------------- BS(Me)-24 WBF-37 together 6 years children- 2 yr old D-Day- 05/15/06 EA/PA 5 months WBF moved out 5/16/06 moved back in 7/12/06 LC 7/26/06
WW(Me)- 35 FWH-48 Married 10yrs (12/22/06), together 16 years 3 Children- DD7, DD9, DD12 FWH-D-Day- 05/15/06- 07/26/06 Married 12/22/06 Me-EA/PA began 01/28/17 moved out 2/7/17 Divorce filed 3/1/17 previous PA approx 2010-2011
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It happens just like magic. I've been here several years, and seen the most hopeless situations turn around.
Also, you can get the A out of your mind by telling your brain "STOP", and thinking about something else. It will immediately go back to the affair, but you change your thoughts again. Soon, you won't think about it.
Another trick is to let yourself think about it at a scheduled time. You can decide you will think about it only on Fridays from 11:00 till noon. Every time you start thinking about it, postpone it till the scheduled time.
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Use those feelings to prompt you to do something physical..... go clean a room.... paint...take a walk...walk the dog.....it works for you in three ways.......takes your mind off the A......helps you become more physically fit.......makes the home look better.....one step at a time....
Best wishes SD
BH - me 53, ONS 1979 FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003 Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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I do try really hard to stop thinking about the A and it comes right back. Yesterday was really bad. Today is better which is suprising since I spent 6 hrs in the car (that's where it happens most). Also keep having nightmares about it almost every night. Last night's combined my two tramatic experiences, the A and the bad car accident I was involved in back in Feb. and exaggerated them both 100x. I tell BF "I had a bad dream". He knows what I mean and says he's sorry. Sometimes a comforting hug and kiss, too. It helps a little.
Believer, it happens like magic? One day we will wake up and realize we are in love and think "How did that happen?"? Silly question, I know. I'm going to try to read the stories of recovered couples to find some encouragement. I also need to research more about plan A. I obviously don't get that either. Need to go to EN's posts, too. His #1 EN is Admiration and OW did a fantastic job at that. I don't know how to do that or really what that means. The only example of how she met that need he gave me was saying "you're a good man." Funny to say that to a WS, huh?
We drove 2 hours for job interview. Was very strange? 4th interview, this one with Pres. of Co. Only a couple min. with questions like "You know how to run a phone room, right?" Said he would go get V.P. and someone else came back and told him that V.P. didn't need to meet him since they had already interviewed on the phone. Someone will contact him Monday. We spent $50, 6 hrs total for that? He thinks they were acting like he already got the job. Sounds like a blow off to me. Hope not since all our eggs are in that basket right now. Something's got to give. I refuse to drive back there for another interview. They better just give him the job on Mon.
WW(Me)- 35 FWH-48 Married 10yrs (12/22/06), together 16 years 3 Children- DD7, DD9, DD12 FWH-D-Day- 05/15/06- 07/26/06 Married 12/22/06 Me-EA/PA began 01/28/17 moved out 2/7/17 Divorce filed 3/1/17 previous PA approx 2010-2011
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Post deleted by hangnthere
Last edited by hangnthere; 08/04/06 04:54 PM.
WW(Me)- 35 FWH-48 Married 10yrs (12/22/06), together 16 years 3 Children- DD7, DD9, DD12 FWH-D-Day- 05/15/06- 07/26/06 Married 12/22/06 Me-EA/PA began 01/28/17 moved out 2/7/17 Divorce filed 3/1/17 previous PA approx 2010-2011
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I figured I should probably change the title since I have been getting so much help. I just got done reading this A quick start guide on withdrawal for FWS’s and BS’s BF is only admitting to a small amount of withdrawal. I don't know if this is because he doesn't want to hurt me anymore or if he's afraid of my reaction or if this is actually the case. Should I address this and encourage him to open up to me about this? If so, how should I do this? If he is actually in hard core withdrawal I would rather know that than him downplaying it to protect my feelings. Yes, of course, it does hurt that he is pining over someone else but I feel like it will give me some kind of measure of where we are or what to expect. Is this wrong? Should I just leave it alone for him to deal with? It could be adding fuel to the fire. The other day he said that he only usually thinks about her when I bring it up. If he has strong urges to contact OW, I would prefer that he open up to me about it so we can devise a plan to avoid it. Why do I need a measure of where we are? Because I don't want to miss the opportunity to meet his ENs if he is ready for it. I just don't know if he is and if he isn't how will I know when he is?
WW(Me)- 35 FWH-48 Married 10yrs (12/22/06), together 16 years 3 Children- DD7, DD9, DD12 FWH-D-Day- 05/15/06- 07/26/06 Married 12/22/06 Me-EA/PA began 01/28/17 moved out 2/7/17 Divorce filed 3/1/17 previous PA approx 2010-2011
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I haven't figured out the technicalities of posting on here yet. Bump.
WW(Me)- 35 FWH-48 Married 10yrs (12/22/06), together 16 years 3 Children- DD7, DD9, DD12 FWH-D-Day- 05/15/06- 07/26/06 Married 12/22/06 Me-EA/PA began 01/28/17 moved out 2/7/17 Divorce filed 3/1/17 previous PA approx 2010-2011
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You are doing fine.... by the way... be patient...the weekends are much slower on these forums....so don't think you are being ignored....
BH - me 53, ONS 1979 FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003 Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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HNT,
I thought for sure someone else would explain Disrespectful Judgments (DJs) for you...or point you to the articles on Love Busters (LBs) on this website...spend time reading all of those articles...they are soothing, hopeful and in my experience, very true...
When you said how can you not assume or mindread when he isn't telling you his thoughts...you ran right up against a very old belief in yourself...that we "read" people...and that's how humans know others. It isn't. It's a lie we're taught. You're an adult. Remove that belief. Inject respect as your premise in life...
To assume, guess, mindread (DJs) is to disrespect another person...anyone. We are all separate and equal human beings on this planet...equal to everyone. We all have been created by God, and as you've heard, he didn't make no junk, anywhere, anytime. You are a whole, complete person, HNT. You really are. Your depdency problem? That's a learned behavior...you weren't created defective, wrong or bad.
Our essence, our self, is truly okay...whole and marvelously made. If you choose to believe that, you can live in a reality much different than you are experiencing right now, even in high crisis. You can. How?
Well, God's design is awesome...you can only control you--only. I emphasize that because you may have learned (been taught) that you can control situations, others...fix people, please people into loving you...and that's just not true. You control your thoughts, beliefs, perspective (how you see things) and perceptions (how you receive information)...all yours, solely under your control...and your emotions? Information from your beliefs...they are signals, coming directly from you. No one can MAKE you anything...they can't make you think, feel, believe or act in any way. No control.
What we do have is influence on others...and they on us. Right now, you're allowing a lot of influence from posters...still under your control. Same with your WBF...he cut off your influence during his A...he's now allowing some of it...he controls what and who influences him...as do you for you.
Because we're limited in our control, God balanced in a beautiful, respectful way, our limit by giving us full choice...absolute choice. You choose all of what you do, how you think and behave...and we make constant choices.
You have your truth--all that is yours...thoughts, feelings, beliefs, etc...and they are valid. Period. They are yours! Others have theirs...to assume is theirs, your equals, is disrespectful, harmful and is the most prevalent problem in marriage...great news...you can stop DJing...and live in truth...by respecting his as his own, yours as yours and knowing you are separate and equal.
Believing it, by choice.
I know that's a lot...and if you look up my posts, you'll see I'm quite the repeater on this...I do it, anyway.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I have a question...where are his other two children located? Are they in the same city you are in presently?
LA
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WBF just excused himself to call his friend (we can't get cell phone reception in the house). He came back and usually when a call is connected there is a check mark and a talk time. None of these were present. I asked him to please be honest and he started getting defensive. He then told me to call his friend to look on his phone what the talk time was. I found a part on the phone that says that the last talk time was 19min but doesn't specify to whom. So, I called his friend and asked him to look for me and he said that it was a silly request and that I would have to take that up with him. He's not getting in the middle of it. Then he says at least 20min but refuses to tell me exact time on his phone. I hang up and tell him that his friend refuses to look. And he said "that's right, he's doesn't want to deal with your stupid sh**" He asks for the phone back and finds the last talk time of 19min and says "see". I knew that's what it said but I wanted verification from his friend and then he started saying stuff like "I'm sick of dealing with this sh**" and "you're crazy" and "thanks for ruining another day of our lives" to which I attempted to reply with reverse babble "yes, you did" very calmly. He then continued to go off on me and said something like the only reason I want to be with him is because of the job offer or something. Does this sound suspicious? Or am I wrong? what do I do? Please Hurry!
WW(Me)- 35 FWH-48 Married 10yrs (12/22/06), together 16 years 3 Children- DD7, DD9, DD12 FWH-D-Day- 05/15/06- 07/26/06 Married 12/22/06 Me-EA/PA began 01/28/17 moved out 2/7/17 Divorce filed 3/1/17 previous PA approx 2010-2011
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Please! Somebody! Anybody! We are sitting here in horrible silence! What do I do? Please!
WW(Me)- 35 FWH-48 Married 10yrs (12/22/06), together 16 years 3 Children- DD7, DD9, DD12 FWH-D-Day- 05/15/06- 07/26/06 Married 12/22/06 Me-EA/PA began 01/28/17 moved out 2/7/17 Divorce filed 3/1/17 previous PA approx 2010-2011
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HNT,
You are being extremely reactive...stop.
Breathe.
"None of these were present. I asked him to please be honest"
Your BF is an adult. Do not ask another adult to be honest. Ask your question "Did you delete the call record?"
"and he started getting defensive."
He can feel defensive. You didn't make him. What you did was attack his honesty...given the circumstances, not much of an attack, I believe.
"And he said "that's right, he's doesn't want to deal with your stupid sh**"
Then you say,
"Stop. That's abusive. I hear you saying that my feelings are not valid...my fear is stupid is abusive and disrespectful."
Say everything calmly--you are an adult, also.
"He asks for the phone back and finds the last talk time of 19min and says "see". I knew that's what it said but I wanted verification from his friend and then he started saying stuff like "I'm sick of dealing with this sh**"
Please clarify to me...you wanted to know to whom he was speaking...the number and name, correct?
"and "you're crazy" and "thanks for ruining another day of our lives" to which I attempted to reply with reverse babble "yes, you did" very calmly. He then continued to go off on me"
"You are continuing to be abusive. I will not stay present for this. I will be back in ten minutes" and you leave the room.
"and said something like the only reason I want to be with him is because of the job offer or something."
That's his DJ to you...see how you both do this? How hurtful it is to you? Same to him.
"Does this sound suspicious? Or am I wrong? what do I do? Please Hurry!"
Why do you question you're wrong...you wanted to verify he was talking to a male friend...what is wrong about that?
Don't question yourself because of his response. Know that his response is his own...not yours...you are not the cause, control or cure for anyone else. Not in God's design.
I didn't get to listening and repeating...you could do that now...listen and repeat...no judgment (unless abusive...which is when someone else tells you who you are, how you are acting, as if it is fact...it's yours. You own it. Only you define yourself.). Being heard is what your marriage needs most right at this moment...listen to what WH says and repeat..."I hear you saying" "I hear you believe" "I hear you think" and leave it there. Listen to understand...later, be understood.
LA
Last edited by LovingAnyway; 08/04/06 07:10 PM.
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To clarify, I wanted his friend to verify an exact talk time as he can do on his phone and compare it to the 19min last call talk time on my phone. This is who he said he was talking to and his so-called friend is supportive in our recovery, why is that a problem? So, I ask him "Did you delete the call record?" and he says no, then what? Am I to believe him? Would not believing him be a DJ? What do I do about my suspicions?
WW(Me)- 35 FWH-48 Married 10yrs (12/22/06), together 16 years 3 Children- DD7, DD9, DD12 FWH-D-Day- 05/15/06- 07/26/06 Married 12/22/06 Me-EA/PA began 01/28/17 moved out 2/7/17 Divorce filed 3/1/17 previous PA approx 2010-2011
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There are two truths here...his and yours.
He can choose to say, "I did not delete the call record." Respect that's what he says. Your half is to choose to believe him or not.
What I don't understand is why it didn't show what number called (I forget now if his phone rang or he placed the call)...in your answer, it sounds to me like you were trying to verify it was his male friend, is that correct?
LA
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What you are experiencing is fear. Deep, horrific fear. You cannot make him be anything--truthful, trustworthy, or considerate of what you're experiencing.
What you can do is share that.
"I'm feeling almost panicked right now. I don't like that I have no control. I'm waking up to knowing I have not been able to control anyone, ever in my life. I'm really shook up. I am terrified you called OW."
Your own honesty is only within your hands...
LA
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It shows the male friend's number entered into the phone. However, if the call is connected, it shows a check mark and a talk time on that specific call. This did neither as if he never even talked to him. It did show that whatever the last call was (not specified) was 19min. If his friend had just looked on his phone and said for example 18:50 that would have been verification enough for me. Then, I feel his reaction was very telling. Say, I don't believe him. Then what?
WW(Me)- 35 FWH-48 Married 10yrs (12/22/06), together 16 years 3 Children- DD7, DD9, DD12 FWH-D-Day- 05/15/06- 07/26/06 Married 12/22/06 Me-EA/PA began 01/28/17 moved out 2/7/17 Divorce filed 3/1/17 previous PA approx 2010-2011
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I guess I don't understand your cell phone. Ack. It's me, not you.
What are your suspicions? That he called this friend, then hung up, called OW and talked for 18 mins and then deleted the call record?
Are you at the point where BF has recommitted and said he is in no contact? If so, then ask him to help you...give you his online password to check his cell records. Tell him you are trying to address your fear, your own insecurity, and these are called triggers...his patience and understanding...his compliance lessens your terror.
LA
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My fear is that he did not call his friend at all and his friend his covering up for him. I think that he dialed his friends number so it would be in the call record but did not let it connect. Unfortunately, our cell phone company does not utilize detailed call records or billing. It is a flat fee for unlimited calling per month (Revol). His friend was to be my sanity and he failed me. There is no other way to prove the call. He says that he has had NC since last wed. a week and a half.
WW(Me)- 35 FWH-48 Married 10yrs (12/22/06), together 16 years 3 Children- DD7, DD9, DD12 FWH-D-Day- 05/15/06- 07/26/06 Married 12/22/06 Me-EA/PA began 01/28/17 moved out 2/7/17 Divorce filed 3/1/17 previous PA approx 2010-2011
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Now you have good information...his friend is his friend, not a friend of your relationship (if you were married, it would be a friend of the marriage).
Good to know.
Week and half...you're in rough territory. Know this. What you're experiencing is normal. You have no way to verify. Let it go. Know you can't know, given your circumstances.
State this, "I feel very vulnerable because I have no way to verify if you're telling the truth."
How much do you state your thoughts and feelings without saying he's the cause of them?
(And if you can answer my question about his children living in the same city, I'd appreciate it.)
LA
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Oh, sorry! No Children live 10hrs away (driving). So, I let it go. If he had contacted her, I'm afraid that will make him think he got away with it and will do it again. This friend was a mutual friend until the A. Actually, he was my friend first. I guess not anymore. I'm sure there are times when I do blame his for my feelings but there are also many times when I do not. So, I explain my feelings. What is that going to accomplish? The problem is due to lack of verification, I will NEVER know. Am I supposed to just trust him? That could allow the affair to continue indefinitely if he is in contact with OW. I would never know. I accidentally overheard their convo and that is how the A was discovered.
WW(Me)- 35 FWH-48 Married 10yrs (12/22/06), together 16 years 3 Children- DD7, DD9, DD12 FWH-D-Day- 05/15/06- 07/26/06 Married 12/22/06 Me-EA/PA began 01/28/17 moved out 2/7/17 Divorce filed 3/1/17 previous PA approx 2010-2011
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