Saturday night, I took WBF to his brother's house to do their weekly alcohol adventure. Shortly after dropping him off, I realized that he was in the same city that OW was at that time. This made me a bit uneasy and I text messaged him and told him that. A while later I called him and he told me that I shouldn't worry. That call and several others that I made to him that night, he was being very sweet. Telling me he loved me, missed me, calling me "Baby", telling me that he really wants our relationship to work and that he would sell his most prized posessions if he had to for us to get by (financially). That sort of stuff. I wasn't sure where it was coming from, intoxication maybe, but I was loving every minute of it. At one point when I called, I asked to speak to his brother for verification that's where he was. That may be a little much but it put me at ease.

Earlier in the day, I received a voicemail on MY cell phone, not his (although his voicemail greeting tells people to call my cell phone, but that is beside the point) from a woman he used to work with. He confided parts of the A to this woman because she had an A herself, but her H never knew about it. Her message was very professional stating first and last names and Company name, location, etc.. and asked for a call back to what she made it seem like was to the company, not her personally. Basically making it sound like a business call, not a personal call. What I didn't realize until much later in the day (when WBF was at brother's) is that the number she left for him to call her back on was her home number. I wasn't very pleased with this message since this woman was located at the same office as OW and this woman had just called a few days prior saying how they missed him. (By they, I guess she meant his former employees). WBF said that she mentioned that we (WBF and I) needed to get out together and suggested a barbeque at her house sometime. I told WBF that I was unhappy about this message as I could find no reason for this woman to keep calling. After expressing my concern, WBF said he saw no reason to return the call. Okay, good!

Well, when I pick him up from his brother's house late that night after all the sweetness he had been sending my way, he gets in the car and says he has to tell me something. My heart sank. I thought, "Oh, No! He called OW!". He said that he had deleted the call record because he had planned on being dishonest, said he didn't want to worry me over nothing. He then told me that the woman that had the left the message earlier had called him saying that he needed to talk to OW. That everyone in the company had turned against her. I'm not really sure what the point was but WBF said he told her that OW betrayed him and he doesn't want anything to do with her. Asked the woman not to call again regarding OW. He told me that if anyone from that company ever called again to tell them he wasn't interested in speaking to them. The only exception was one male friend that is at a different location than OW. That doesn't matter since almost everytime he talks to WBF, OW gets mentioned anyway. This is not the first time that has happened. Someone from company calling to get WBF to talk to OW. That makes me furious.

Anyway, WBF didn't have to to tell me and he did! He was honest, all on his own. Volunteering information. That's twice. I think we're making progress. While the situation made me angry, his honesty definitely deposited love units.
He kept depositing love units for the rest of the night. Being sweet, saying he wanted us to work, offered to marry me now to show his commitment to me. He should stop that because I am very tempted to take him up on his offer. I don't want him to marry me for the wrong reasons, I want him to do it because he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He said he doesn't think he's in withdrawal. Said he doesn't miss OW anymore, just misses the excitment of a new relationship and wants that with me. He also told me that sometimes he gets glimpses of romantic love feelings for me. Earlier that night, I had read the part in SAA, "Sue's story". I have read it many times before but I never got it until then. Sue explains that she sometimes had feelings of love for Jon and then they would go away. The loving feelings came more and more and the eventually the times that she didn't feel love for him went away completely. I thought it odd that he told me this right after I had just read it. We talked alot that night. I felt like I had hit the love unit lottery! He also said that we still do too much R and A talk. I agree! He also said that I am obsessed with this message board. I said "It is addicting but what are you saying?" He repeated that I was obsessed and spending too much time here. I asked, "Do you miss me?" He said, "kinda".
I said, "Well, then just say that". He said "okay". I said, "What I hear you saying is that you think I am spending too much time on there and that you would like me to spend more time with you." He said, "Yes". Anyway, I was high as a kite from all the love units he was depositing that night. It was the first night in a while that I didn't have a nightmare about the A. It hasn't been that way since, but wasn't expecting it to. The fact that he has those feelings at all make me happy. Baby Steps. Does this sound like a fog free moment or am I just living in fantasy land?

Everytime WBF talks to anyone, OW gets mentioned. I'm so sick of it. The only associates he has are people from former employer (the A was with a co-worker). Now that the cat is out of the bag, that is all everyone talks about. That place and that woman. Grrr! How do I make it stop? I would feel selfish to ask WBF to let everyone in his life go. How are we supposed to get past this while this is going on? WBF and I have asked everyone not to mention this person and they just don't call her by name. WBF obviously isn't enforcing this either. What can I do to respectfully handle this situation? I don't feel that he needs constant updates on her life and people just volunteer it to him.

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This is really just to vent. Since there is so much other crap going on here on MB that I feel is distracting from the people that come here because they really need help and support, I don't expect much of a response anyway.

I had mentioned in a previous post that WBF can't seem to escape talking about OW and events surrounding her life in almost every conversation he has. I spoke with him about this and he said that he would avoid that from happening anymore. For some reason, I wasn't satisfied with that. It was much deeper than that to me and I was still upset. As I sit there trying to figure out why I was so upset, I said to myself, "I'm sick of being the other woman!". Wow! What does that mean?

So, I went for a walk to try and sort my thoughts and clear my head. I realized that since D-Day, I have not only allowed myself but have been actually making an effort at being the OW with WBF. I sit here trying to struggle through the beginning of recovery and wonder why it it so difficult. Because we are not in recovery. Mentally and emotionally WBF is in a relationship with OW, has been for a while. And here I've been the entire time since D-Day trying to be in a relationship with someone who is unavailable to me. Recovery can't happen now. He is not in a relationship with me, not even close. He's in a relationship with her. Trying to have a relationship with him while he is mentally and emotionally with someone else MAKES ME THE OW. I REFUSE TO BE THE OW ANYMORE! I'm finished killing myself trying to make myself and a relationship with me more appealing. If he wants to continue in a relationship with her in whatever form he wants (mentally, emotionally, physically) then let him have at it. If he decides that he wants to break it off with her, stop pining over her, stop his mental and emotional relationship with her and realizes that there is something better for him right in front of him, than great. If he wants to stay wrapped up in her in any way, than that is his choice, but I don't want to share my man. I can't help but believe that I deserve better and if he doesn't share that same belief than I don't want him anyway. I'm not going to try and change myself and my behavior so that someone will love me. If they don't love me for who I am and the way I behave than they can find someone else. I know I can. And even if I can't, then I'll just know that I am so great that there is no one deserving of me. I'll change what I want to change for me and nobody else. I'm not living my life for anyone else anymore. I have done that for too long already. I'm living my life for me. If anyone else, including and especially WBF, wants to come along for the ride, then be my guest. But I am not driving anyone else around besides myself and I'm not going to be the passenger in my own life. Thanks for reading.

Hi, I've been reading your thread, just didn'thave any helpful input. Sorry you're feeling ignored.

I can understand what you're saying, but would caution against rushing into anything. If you're going to pull off what you're implying, then you need to do it with a proper Plan B. A planned, well-thought-out, and not reactive Plan B.

Get all your details straight, get your letter written and post it all with a call out for help on it. The pros might be a little distracted, but I think they're all still making an effort to help people when they can.


Now, I'm not advocating Plan B, I really don't know what would work in your case. I think that you seem to be making some good progress, and just posted about having such a great day the other day. The pros will probably be able to help you figure that out, too. I'm just saying that if you're going to take drastic action, make sure it is well planned and well thought out and not a reaction. Then make sure you do it right.


Keep hanging in there!

-AmI.

I'm not sure if you want comments/suggestions, or if you are journaling, and want to know someone cares about what is happening to you.

It looks like you are on the rollercoaster.
Up today, down tomorrow.

What would you like to see happen these next few months?

SS

Looks like I just managed to get a sense of OVEREMPOWERMENT.
Was not actually looking to enforce a full fledged Plan B. Just wanted to avoid R things like affection and SF. Wanting him to be there physically and keep things strictly platonic until I no longer had to share his heart and soul with REAL OW. It seems that this overempowerment got the best of me. WBF did not like this at all. Seems that giving and receiving affection and SF during his glimpses of "romantic feelings of love" for me is an essential part of him falling back in love with me. WBF says he his trying to get his emotional needs met through me and that by cutting off affection, etc..he would be left in the same place he was before the A. How is it fair that I meet his ENs while he is in love with OW? As I see it, the MB principles require me to be a doormat during this process. Being a doormat is the very quality that WBF finds unattractive in me. So, I get some self-respect and no longer want to allow myself to be a doormat and feel like the OW in my own relationship and that is wrong, too. What's a girl to do?

WBF keeps handing me some crap that once all other stresses are relieved (financial, relocation, etc...) that he thinks that things will get much better. What does that have to do with his withdrawal? He said he thinks I'm using his overall demeanor to measure the extent of his withdrawal and that when other things are taken care of, he doesn't think is withdrawal is going to be that bad. Does this mean he is unable to differentiate stress over finances and feelings of withdrawal over OW? He's acting as if he's unsure of his withdrawal because it's clouded with other stresses. That would imply to me that his brain could simply be delaying withdrawal by focusing on other things right now and that there is a very real possibility that when the dust settles, withdrawal could then take place to an extent that neither od us are expecting. Is it really possible for him to not know what he is thinking or feeling for/about OW? Do you miss her? Do you have urges to call her? Do you still have feelings of love for her? These questions seem simple to me. I'm having a hard time comprehending how he can possibly not know the answers to these. I know it is not really my place to comprehend what is in his head, but what is in my head is that he loves her, not me and yet is doings things to me that you do with someone you love. That to me, makes me the OW. That is exactly how I feel when he does those things, like the OW. I don't waqnt to be the OW and I don't want to be the rebound. The tool he uses to get over her. She chose to be OW, not me. I want my man back, heart, soul and body. All to myself. I never volunteered to share him in the first place, OW did. Yet, I find myself in a position where if I want him, I have to share him and his love temporarily. How long am I going to have to suffer the consequences of their actions?

WBF said he's trying to get ENs met through me. I asked what ENs? He said "affection". Okay, well affection is not one of his top 5 ENs and I know that is not to say that he doesn't need it at all, but I would still be able and very willing to meet his top 5 ENs without feeling like OW, yet affection, again not in top 5 is what he is seeking from me. So I asked, "Why do you need affection?". His answer, "Because it makes me feel good. Makes me feel ADMIRED." Well, I'll be damned! ADMIRATION! His #1 EN. The one he said that I NEVER met that OW did such a great job at. It's funny, if I never gave him anything else, affection is the one thing he always got from me and yet somehow, prior to A, affection didn't mean crap in the way of ADMIRATION. Why has that suddenly changed? Also, WBF recently said the way OW met his need for ADMIRATION was that she did everything he told her. He was the only person she listened to. He was the only person in that company that could get her under control. WTH is that? That's not me buddy! I don't car what his needs are, I'm not going to let anyone "control" me and I'm not going jump at their beckon call. If this is his idea of ADMIRATION than he has come to wrong place. Sounds like some kind of fantasy dominant and submissive thing to me. Maybe he thought that SF with her would be that way, too and that's why it was so dissappointing to him. Said he felt like he was having sex with a hooker. What did he expect with a woman with no self-respect? The point is, I have no idea of what is idea of admiration really is and what he expects. Says he gets that through affection with me, well there was no affection with her, EVER from what he tells me. He wanted it, she just wouldn't give it. But he managed to fall in love with her anyway. Don't understand how. What would I like to see happen these next few months?
I would like to see him forget about her and release this fantasy idea he has for her and realize her for who she really is so we can build our love for eachother. Can't fall in love with me while in love with her. At least not in my world. I don't 50% of him, I want all that he can give. I want to give all I can give to him, but not while he is holding to some unrealistic relationship with her.

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HNT,

You can experience all the pain, rage and fear you want by choosing to believe you're the OW to your WBF. I wouldn't. You're real and she's not. She's a fantasy...not a real person. You can't have real love for a fantasy.

What you choose for your perspective, your beliefs, matter greatly. Like Plan A being a doormat. It isn't. You can choose to implement it like that...making your intent to manipulate your WBF back...or you can truly change you. Adhere to healthy standards and boundaries.

Up to you.

Are you avoiding SF because you both haven't been tested for STDs? Affection represents admiration to your WBF...what does it represent to you?

Affection for me is acceptance, acknowledgement that I'm present; appreciation and admiration.

I couldn't feel anything in my H's affection of these things just before my A because I had so much resentment, feeling inadequate...couldn't please him...so no admiration in his touch because I chose to see it as routine, his thing...not about me.

My perception was equally a important to his intent.

Sometimes we can feel a lot of admiration when we stop feeling like a failure to our partner.

He felt special...she may or may not have listened to anyone else--that's his perception...and he felt listened to, heard and acknowledged. Like what he said and thought meant something.

I like that, too.

You know that no one can control you ever...you choose. Do you choose to listen and acknowledge?

Your choice to believe he really fell in love or not...I chose not to--and I'm glad I did. He wasn't and it would have been a destructive choice.

LA

Their relationship may have been a fantasy. Him being able to ignore the "real" OW and see only good things in her may have been a fantasy. But OW is a very real person (a very messed up one, IMO), a human being (that's debatable) that my WBF either chose or allowed himself to have feelings for. Feelings that he does not have for me. To me, affection is a validation of love and caring. A physical act of showing someone how you feel about them. For him to do these things while not having those kind of feelings for me takes away the very essence of them. The affection he shows me without having those feelings has no meaning. He is giving affection to receive it. He's not giving affection to show his care and love, he's giving it so I will show him my care and love for him. He can't give me affection to show his care and love for me, because there is none. He doesn't feel that. His care and love right now is for OW. He's only trying to project those feelings onto me to get them right back to make himself feel good. Same that he did with OW.

Are you saying that he can't have real love for her? Can you explain why you believe that? He believes it and therefore it is his truth. How would you feel or reply to someone that says you do not have real love for your spouse?
The point is, that is what he feels. There isn't a test to see whether love is real or not. No one would ever be able to argue with me about who I love or not. Why would that not mean that his love that he used to have for me is not real? What is the difference? Just a relationship that coincided with this one the way I see it. She broke his heart and that relationship ended. He's sad about that and misses her and I'm sure wishes that didn't happen at times. I don't see it as any different from any other break up.
You get over it eventually, but using someone else as a distraction to get over it is a rebound. I have rebounded all my life. WBF is a rebound from a previous relationship. He knew that and chose to accept that role. Being a rebound was okay for him. It isn't okay for me. I don't want him using me to get over her. It is my choice. I'm struggling with it though.

As far as Plan Aing being a doormat. As Plan A is explained in SAA, it is to avoid doing anything to upset your spouse, avoid LBs, DJs and AOs. It seems to me that somehow everyone here has added to that definition and made it something different. Something I should do about me. To be blunt, I'm a b***h! Always have been. Sometimes I like being that way and sometimes not. Alot of things I do come across that way. Like when I stand up for myself or tell someone my opinion and they don't like it. Alot of times, this upsets people. No matter how nicely I put it. I don't usually mind what people think. Avoiding anything to upset WBF and changing myself and doing things to become more attractive to him goes against my natural personality. Being nice when I am angry, biting my tongue when I have something to say, nice or not so nice, is out of character for me. So, maybe I was doing Plan A wrong or something. But in having respect for myself I would've not allowed much of what happened since D-day to take place. Had to swallow my self-respect to save my relationship. After plan Aing WBF before he came back home he said to me, "I want you to stop being a doormat, not just to me but everyone. It is not attractive. I feel like I could punch you in the mouth and you would forgive me." I guess I just don't get it.

"Are you avoiding SF because you both haven't been tested for STDs?"

No, all 3 of us were tested less than a week after D-day before A was even admitted because WBF had one. I didn't have it and oddly enough either did OW at the time but I have my opinion on that. WBF and I are both in agreement that is where it came from. All 3 were treated anyway. That's besides the point, we still need to get tested again as we didn't wait the recommended amount of time before SF although was protected at first. Have had SF the entire time. Only reason I didn't want to now was because I equate SF with emotions and intimacy. Much like affection. I did it anyway and still felt like OW.

What I am having a hard time understanding is that if affection means admiration to WBF, then why is that not what it meant to him before. He didn't get affection from OW. So then why does he seek admiration from me and admiration from her in very different ways? My fear is that if he is looking for admiration through affection and that was not good enough before, how can I believe that it will be good enough now?

"As Plan A is explained in SAA, it is to avoid doing anything to upset your spouse, avoid LBs, DJs and AOs."

In my book, the byproduct was removing the LBs made me safe for my spouse...but removing them was for me. I didn't want to be a person who DJ'd, SD'd or AO'd. Or someone who lied by omission or directly. That's why I see Plan A as being authentic...really seeing myself, what I choose to do and choosing not to...revoking the permissions I gave myself to do those things.

No doormat in that when I'm the reason I'm doing it.

I found the difference between being nice, and being honest and respectful.

Being nice betrays self...so does DJs and lying.

SF is an EN...you're right on that it represents something else. Emotional intimacy...and I know you've stated what it means to you to WBF, because that's part of it.

I'm not clear now, from this statement: " So then why does he seek admiration from me and admiration from her in very different ways?" Is WBF still in NC or has there been a change?

LA

Yes, there is still no contact today is day 17. What I meant is that when there was contact, during the A, he sought admiration from OW by her listening to him and doing what he said. He now seeks admiration from me through affection. Very different. He didn't get physical affection from OW. I'm just curious as to why he sought admiration from her in one way and seeks it from me in a totally different way. I guess admiration is admiration. It may not matter where or how, just that he gets it. I have not asked him about this.

I guess I still feel like alot of the MB prinicples go way over my head. I should probably get the a copy of "Love Busters". I'm still learning. I have not felt like OW lately and still have a good sense of balance. I feel good about me overall. I know that I have many flaws, what is funny to me is that I actually like having those flaws. I know that I am the only one that can do something about them. I feel in control of my life. Something I have not felt in a very very long time due to my depression. I'm not sure how it happened. All I did was go for a walk one day, have a mental talk with myself and came out of it without depression, without dependency (I don't feel like I NEED him anymore), with confidence and just really being okay with myself. At first I had that overempowered thing with not wanting to feel like OW. But that is gone now, too. I feared that giving up that "I'm not going to allow us to connect so I don't feel like the OW" stuff was going to bring me back into my black hole that I'm used to living in. It didn't.

We had a very interesting day yesterday, but I'm going to start a new post for that. Thanks!

WBF and I had a bad day yesterday. It was very reminisicent of the misery we had experienced prior to the A. After drinking with some friends, we got in an argument. It was all a miscommunication, but I called him a name and it got very ugly from there. It didn't last long though, because for the first time in our lives, we stopped it mid-battle. We talked about what had happened, each took responsibility for our parts, apologized and realized it was just a big miscommunication. Before the A, we would've continued all night, went to bed angry, woke up the next day with animosity and let it continue indefinitely. Wow! We have come so far!

After we resolved the issue of the argument, we continued to talk. We did partake in lots of R and A talk. But it was okay. It was a night very much like last week when he was intoxicated. I asked him why he only tells me these things when he is drunk. He said that he has less inhibitions that way. Like liquid courage I guess. He told me that he know I didn't expect withdrawal to be over so quickly and he's knows it's not completely over but that he hasn't even thought of OW in several days. All he has thought of was me and that he loves me. There were alot of tears and remorsefulness for what he's done but it was alot less vague when he said it. He said he never wanted to be that person and that he keeps trying to replay the scenario over in his head and he just can't figure out how it happened exactly. He said he knows how much he has hurt me and that he is very sorry. He said that he knows that none of it was real, that it was all fantasy. He said that he knows he didn't love her, he was in love with the fantasy. He said he knows that I really love him because I fought for him and OW never did. Admitted he moved out after D-day for cake-eating. Told me more about A in detail. Also, talked alot about the dysfunctional relationships with his family. Talked about hopes for our future. Basically, it was just, "I was wrong, thank you for sticking around, it was stupid, I learned my lesson, OW's nothing, you're everything, I love you and want great things with you for the rest of my life." That's the basic jist of it.

Another love unit lottery! I'm a winner! I know it's not over yet, we have a long way to go. But I feel like we're on our way! He said if it wasn't for MB he would've probably never seen the A for what it was and been stuck in limbo for all eternity. Thanks MB!

Also, he received an email from XGF (mother of other 2 kids) today. It was mostly to compalin about C.S. No job = no C.S. She asked WBF why he wouldn't let her H adopt children. Uh, because you never asked for that? She talked about her H being a better father and about medical insurance but made no mention of C.S. obligations. I think she is under the impression that WBF would still be obligated to pay C.S. if that were to happen. WBF and I discussed it a little and agreed that he should probably make it clear to her that adoption would release WBF from C.S. He hasn't responded yet! She also said "As you said to me about your girlfriend.. it would be fair to her if you married her due to your baggage.. same with them girls, why hold on to something you have NO part of?" I'm not sure what this means exactly and when WBF had ever discussed marrying me or not marrying me for that matter with XGF. Very strange.

Anyway! Any thoughts on any of this? I really appreciate everyone here and all you do for me/us. I'm glad we found MB. It saved our relationship. Thanks all!

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By this I mean I think I'm living in fantasy land with WBF.
(By the way, when does WBF change to FWBF or XWBF or just BF?) It goes like this, he gets all drunk, starts throwing love units at me faster than I can catch them, then back to his ususal introverted self. I'm high as a kite for a few days and then nothing. No withdrawals of love units really. Just very minimal deposits. I know it is way too soon for what I would like and my expectations are too high. I just get my hopes up and then am very disappointed. I feel the needy, clingy part of me tring to creep back out. I keep trying to shove her away though. I've also gained back a few of the 25lbs I lost in the last month on the "Infidelity Diet". Ughh!

I get to a place where I am okay with nothing and expect nothing and just try to enjoy him as he is. Then he gives me all this great stuff for a minute, it gets me high, and then cuts me off. Now, I'm not getting my fix and I'm jonesin. I just want us to connect and get close and I'm not understanding why that can't happen. I know it's too soon but grrrr. When will it happen then? I was on a path of thinking that just being me would deposit love units in his account and he would eventually just fall in love with me because I'm so awesome. I'm starting to think it's going to take alot more than that. I don't know what though. His ENs are all my weaknesses and vice versa. I think that he is happiest when there is very little affection, attention, conversation, etc..and just hanging out watching T.V. I am happiest when we are all about eachother. Two totally different ends of the spectrum. How do we find a medium? A place that we can both be happy? His ENs seem very easy to meet but I have no idea how to go about that. Have searched and resarched and haven't really come up with any ideas.

Last night, he wakes me up and tells me he needs "love" (we often refer to affection as "love") and that I had been distant all day. Me? He seemed very distant and I was doing everything in my power to keep myself from jumping on him and smothering him and I seemed distant. If he wants something from me, why doesn't he make it obvious? I have to find a way to clear my head, chill out, stop expecting or wanting so much and just go with the flow. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

WBF and I are going at it about the apt. All along the rent, landlord and things pertaining to the apt. have been WBF's department. He always famously says, "I'll handle it". Well, for the last 4 months the rent hasn't been paid until half the month is over. Not because we didn't have it, but because he just kept forgetting to send it. Landlord is livid about this and threatens eviction. Well, this month, we really don't have the rent and know we need to get out and have just been trying to delay the process for as long as possible. Last wednesday, WBF is out of town and the landlord calls from a number I didn't recognize. I answered it and freaked out and hung up. I hung up on my freaking Landlord! He definitely wasn't happy about that. So, I called him back and to avoid any further damage and played stupid like I didn't know that the rent wasn't paid. He then told me about how the rent hasn't been payed on time for the last 4 months. I acted suprised and said I knew nothing about it. I know that previously WBF had told him we were separated so I continued this theory. Well, WBF had neglected to call the landlord back and so today, 4 days later, I get another call from the landlord. I was under the impression that WBF was just going to evade the call some more so I said I would call. WBF wanted to come along and listen to the call and I said no on the premise I was going to go with the whole, "I don't know what's going on and I don't have any money so I guess I'll just move out". He said that he was going to start showing apt and would give a 1 day notice when he would do so. Well, WBF didn't like that idea since apt is not in best condition as of right now, so he calls landlord back from my phone not even 5 minutes later ( after I just told landlord that he was not with me) and says everything I told him was a lie. Tells him he has been staying there (I said he hadn't) and that I am just embarrassed by everything that has been going on. Then continues to tell the landlord that I had become very depressed during this process and have neglected to keep house under the best conditions so it would not be in his best interest to show the apt right now. WTF? Why did Mr. "I'll handle it" make me do his dirty work and then turn around and make me look like a big giant A-hole? Why didn't Mr. "I'll handle it", just "handle it" himself if he didn't like the way I did it. I didn't want to do it in the first place and then he's going to negate everything I just did because he didn't want to "handle it". That really burns me up. Not to mention that WBF thinks that he can just give a nonchalant apology to every situation and that makes everything better. F that. He doesn't understand why I'm upset. How about because I didn't want to talk to the landlord in the first place and I did what I had to do to handle the situation. Then he makes me look bad. Now, the landlord thinks I'm this huge liar and a major slob that put his apt in such a condition that he won't be able to show it for 2.5 weeks. And I was just too embarrassed to tell him the truth. F U buddy! The truth? I'm pretty sure that the apt didn't get that way from me alone. As a matter of fact, when WBF didn't live there, I'm pretty sure that the apt was in an acceptable condition. I could've had apt presentable with 24 hrs notice. Jeez, I just want to tell WBF to f himself.
Sorry, you have to witness this. I know I'm not doing anything here that I couldn't do in my spriral bound notebook I use as a journal. That's what the majority of my posts amount to anyway. I keep telling myself that I'm going to stop coming here. It's just so damn addicting.

Okay. So after yesterday's "Train Wreck", I tried to resolve conflict with WBF and it got a little heated again. Then my MOM (we were at her house) decides to put her 2 cents in and tells me that I keep repeating the same thing over and over and why don't I just shut up. I tell her that I'm still angry and that being quiet wasn't going to resolve anything (not that arguing was either). She just kept at it. I don't know what she was trying to do but it certainly wasn't helpful. It actually made things much worse. So, I left to go for a walk. I walked for awhile and was still quite upset (more at my mom than at WBF) so I came back, got my things and started to walk home. I know this seems childish but it wasn't like a temper tantrum, just wanted to clear my head and get exercise to make me feel better. Well, i get a little ways up the street and here comes my mom in her car asking me to come back. That was the last person I wanted to see at that moment. I refused to get in the car and after a few minutes of arguing, she went back home. I got almost all the way home and I saw WBF coming from our house, must have thought I'd be there already. I got in the car and he said, "I don't know why your mom's gotta but in anyway. I'm sorry if I upset you." We went home and made waek efforts to discuss it but it wasn't working so i called a friend for 3 hours. When I hung up, I wasn't upset anymore until....

WBF's cell phone had every text message we'd ever sent to eachother on it. I hadn't kept a journal the entire time so that was closest thing I had to one. Some messages were bad, some were very sweet. When I'm having a bad day I like to go back and read the nice ones, kinda like love letters. They make me feel better. It also serves as a reminder that not all of the last 4 months were bad. Well, anyway, in an attempt to turn his phone into "our" phone he had added all my contacts to it and erased all the text messages. Oh No! My love letters are gone. I was and still kinda am very upset. Not angry with WBF, just sad that they were gone.

I have had no sleep at all. I have an ear infection that kept me up all night. I went to ER this morning and Dr. said it was one of the most severe outter ear infections he's ever seen. He couldn't even see my eardrum to check for damage or if there is a middle ear infection as well. Now, I'm hopped up on antibiotics and pain killers. They also inserted a wick in my ear to keep the ear canal from closing completely. I have to go back to ER tommorrow to see in antibiotics are working. They were goint to admit me for 2 days. We all decided against that. Sorry, pretty lame today. Anyone with any input about anything in my sitch?

I've been starting to wonder lately how this is going to work. I can tell myself that I am expecting too much too soon, but I look back on our realtionship and other than the "honeymoon" phase, our relationship has never been much different than it is right now. I'm not happy right now. I don't know why I was willing to settle for less than what I would really be happy with before, but I thought that this would be an opportunity to build a phenomonal relationship. I'm not sure that the relationship that I want is the same relationship that WBF wants. We are very different in alot of ways and that could be okay for some things. Different interests, music, movies, political views, etc..that is okay. But if we want different things from a relationship, how does that work? I've thought about what I want out of a relationship and I can't assume what WBF wants but from my experience, I think I may require very different things in order to be genuinely happy in a relationship. Things that he may not be capable of or not willing to put forth the effort for. I know that was probably an assumption and a DJ.
I've been trying not to assume things and DJ. I'm aware that he very well could be capable and very willing to do the things that will assist in having the relationship I would like. I can't know for sure. What I mean, though, is what if my idea of a healthy, fullfilling relationship very much differs from his idea of the same thing? Take our ENs for example, each of our ENs seem to be eachothers' weaknesses. I'm having a very difficult time trying to figure out exactly what they mean to WBF and what I can do to fill them. He has told me that he has difficulty with my needs as well. It's as if each of our ENs are foreign to eachother. We have no idea what they mean and no idea how to meet them
to the satisfaction of the other. WBF said to me the other day that he's trying to do everything right and I'm still not happy. He feels he's doing everything he can to make me happy and I'm thinking "If that's all you got, we're in big trouble". I then thought, okay, when you disagree you negotiate. How do you negotiate this? Do I lower my standards and settle for less or how does this work? I know it is very early in the process. Should I wait and see what happens? If so, for how long? What if a year from now nothing changes and WBF thinks things are going great and I'm still miserable? WBF thinks he is doing everything he can but I feel there is much much more he could be doing. He could read SAA or HNHN, he could be going to MB website, I could go on and on. Does anyone have any insight? I'm feeling a bit hopeless.

Are my posts too long? What is it?

Anyway. I guess after my last post WBF jumped on and read my post. I hate when he does that because he misinterprets everything. We had a short comversation about it and he informed me that we haven't begun recovery yet and won't until after the other stresses have gone (job, money, place to live, etc..) Like he can't multitask or something.

So, just a little while ago we were walking from our car into my mom's house and he said that he loved me just now. I smiled and said thanks. He said he just wanted to let me know. I guess that must have been one of those glimpses that he's mentioned. Why does he tell me he loves me all the time then? I'm glad that he had a moment that he did and I don't know what caused it. Just seems so bizarre to me.

I've had nightmares about the A almost every night. It affects me tremendously. I think there are still things about the A that I would like to know. I've read on here that you shouldn't "R" or "A" talk for 3 months. What are we to do in the mean time? While would we want to drag the skeletons back out of the closet after that long?

I don't know. I've read books and websites and researched here and can't seem to find what I'm looking for. And for some reason, unbeknownst to me, I've stopped getting responses. Especially from LA. Am I that annoying?

Any imput would be great! I am still very early in the process and it would really be hard if everyone gave up on me now. I still need lots of guidance and mentoring. I appreciate everything I've got so far and hope that someone can reach out to help me more. Thank you all!

Why has everyone stopped responding?

Most of us are at work, sometimes we can post often, sometimes we can hardly post at all.

Not sure where LA is, but I'm working to a pretty stiff deadline.

It feels like no one cares sometimes........ but it's just the nature of the boards.

Hope you get more of a response soon - sorry I can't stay.

SS