If you can't get through to expose at the school, go to the school in person, and expose.

Same with MOM's wife. Go there in person.

Don't be afraid of her threats. Is this the type of marriage you desire? If she wants to leave so bad, let her go. When she returns, you can decide if you want to remarry her.

Drive over to his house and knock on the door, wilson. DO NOT GIVE up until you speak to this woman. This may spell the quick end of the affair.

p.s I am very sorry to hear that her parents are immoral and don't care about their daughter. Even though they have abandoned her in her time of need, you don't have to. You can do this without their support. Just telling them about her affair caused great conflict in the affair and that is what you wanted.

Well this afternoon I walked by her pocket book in the kitchen. I could tell her phone was vibrating. It was the OM. I looked at the phone and sure enough they have been talking. I confronted her about it and she got violent. I took her phone and left the house. I called her parents and mine. I again got no support from them. Just the usual that they will have to support her in what ever decisions she makes. My parents on the other hand suggested now that I go Monday morning and get and attorney to start the D process. The worst thing about all of this is that I still today want to spend my life with her.

After driving around for a while she called me and advised she had packed enough items to do her for the week and wanted her phone back. As I said above earlier she put a deposit on an apartment and is planning on moving out all of her stuff next weekend. At this point I do not know what to do. I guess I am at the point there is not much left but to agree to file and end the marriage. However this is the last thing I want to do. Any thoughts…

You need to go by the MOM's house and talk to his wife in person. That is the one thing that will help your marriage the most.

Did you tell his wife yet? That is the most effective weapon you have right now and you MUST use it if you want to save your marriage.

Wilson stop trying to fix her... work on yourself. I know how you feel you want to save your marriage but you can't make that deciscion for her she will have to come to that decision by herself. It might take months it might never happen. You need to think about going to plan b if she moves out you need t protect your love bank

stay strong my brother

Wilson,

Do NOT file... let her do this herself. From what I understand (from reading these boards for a while) WSs rarely ever file, and try to get their BS to do it first.

If you want your M, don't do this!

How are things going today?

Wilson,

You can only fix and control you, stop trying to fix and control her.

Now the next thing you desperately need to do is contact OMW, go to their house and do it in person. It doesn't amtter if he is there or not. If he is there he will be combative, not a good thing when trying to disprove your assertions. If he's not, not a problem tell her and show her what you've got and let the chips fall where they may.

The key here is EXPOSE! Do not delay!

Yesterday I went to OM's house to speak with OMW. No one was home. I put a note on their door and on her car windshield to call me. I advised in the note that her H was having an affair with my W. A few hours later the OM left me a voice mail on my cell phone asking me to call him. I did not call him. I could not see any good coming from this conversation and felt that I may say or do things I would later regret. Shortly after that my wife called saying he had called pissed off at her and that he never wanted to see her again. Within a few minutes of that he sent me a text message again asking me to call. He threatened my wife to have a restraining order put on me if I did not call him back. I never called him back or received a call from OMW.

A couple of hours later I got a call from WW’s dad. He said that WW wanted to speak with me that she had a change of heart and wanted to come home. He asked that I call her for us to try and work it out. I did call her and she said that she realized now what she did was wrong and that she wanted to come back. We agreed that last night was not the best time for her to come over to talk, but this evening she is going to be at the house when I get home. I told her that first of all for this to work there must be 100% NC. I am not sure what I can do about that with them being in the same school. I told her that I feel strongly that I need to have contact with OMW so she knows the situation. WW did not like the idea as she thought that would provoke OM to be mad at her and insure he would come see her. I am conflicted about what to do.

As far as us moving into recovery… I think tonight I will ask her to write a NC letter to him and possibly see if she is willing to do the EN questionnaire. I do not want to do anything right now that she might consider a LB. I know she is going to be in withdrawal and want to be able to help her through it and get us back to the point of a wonderful, fulfilling marriage for the both of us. Any suggestions on what you think I should do would be great. Thank you all.

Good for you, Wilson!! I am so proud of you!!

Gee, I guess OM wasn't REALLY thinking about divorcing his W now, was he?

WS's lie, and OM lied to your W... hence his sudden decision to never want to talk to your W again.

Good work.

BTW, no WS wants to be exposed to OMW. It destroys the fantasy. It's interesting that she knew OM would be mad, no?

Another kudos for not talking to OM. Your instincts were right on that one... talking to him would do more harm than good.

As far as NC at work goes... that's tough. She could be transfered to another school within her district. Or, if she really gets serious about your M, she could be completely honest with the principal and ask if she could be let out of her contract.

You could also move.

Your WW is terrified right now. She had her dad call you. That must have felt a little strange.

When you talk to your W tonite, make sure and let her know you needed to tell OMW to save your M. That she means everything to you. Talk her into giving up her apartment.

This is going to get harder before it gets easier.

Hopefully others will chime in with more advice soon.

Again, good work! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Katie Mae

Wilson,

Good Job! She will have to do something about work, talking to the principal would be a good first step. Hang in there. You are doing fine.

Make sure you talk to OMW in person.

Don't rely on the words of liars that say she knows.

I see this also may be a ploy. You KNOW you still must tell OM's Wife. OM has likely told her it's over in hopes that she can get you to stop contacting his wife....however, when the dust settles he'll be right back in there trying to maintain his own affair addiction UNLESS his wife is keeping a watch over him.

Threats of restraining orders and the like are just that. Threats. He is only trying to stop you from exposing...like he's really gonna go to court and have you expose him there. There is nothing illegal about speaking the truth. Just be careful not to provide him with any ammunition by actually making any threats.

If wife comes home, be very open and supportive. She's likely to say the most mean and destructive things to you but have patience and take it. Listen, be measured with your responses and don't LB. If she raises her voice, you lower yours. If she yells, you whisper. Your only goal, right now, is No Contact and busting up the affair. After that, surviving a withdrawal period and separating OM and WW at work are the primary objectives. Thereafter, recovery can commence. Don't be needy or clingy and don't try to "teach" her.

You may not "think" her parents are supporting you...but behind the scenes I think they have been. Interesting that her dad called you to say she was coming home. They have been pressuring her to make a decision. That alone IS support. Not perfect support but good enough.

Keep posting.

Mr. Wondering

I got home last night and WS was there. She was asleep on the couch so I did not wake her. She finally woke up around 7:30 and I cooked dinner for us. We ate with very little being said. After eating she told me that we needed to talk. The first thing she said was that I must not contact OMW. This turned into the only real thing we spoke about. Over 4 hour’s worth. I have to say I wasn’t very good at not LB’ing. However, I stayed calm and tried to be understanding but told her that I was going to contact her as I felt it was necessary for the survival of our marriage. I tried to reassure her how much I loved her and how much I wanted this to work. She got to the point of saying or doing anything for me not to contact her. She is now saying that if I continue to try and get in contact with her that she is without a doubt moving out on Sat. I do not want this but I do feel the OMW deserves to know. I think it may be the only thing right now that may keep OM away from her. WW told me last night that they both blow up at each other on Sunday and told each other that they never wanted to see each other again. She also states that they had had NC from July 13 – August 4th. When I went through her cell phone on Sat I could not find anything to dispute what she is telling me. WW told me that he put some information in her mailbox yesterday at school to threaten me again with a restraining order. I tried to explain to her that the order did not bother me as I had done nothing wrong and would love to have the opportunity to expose him in court if he wanted to go that route. We did discuss a NC letter and she was receptive to this. She said that she had told him all those things on Sunday and would be glad to send it in a letter. (She thinks I only want to do that so his wife would see it) In talking to her she is still in a deep fog. She makes no sense and said many things to try and hurt me. I felt like this was an about face from the conversation we had late Sunday night(her wanting to come home), but I understand she has a lot going on right now that does not make sense to her. With the exposure to family and friends and trying to speak with OMW she thinks that I am psycho. She still does not understand that everything I have done and have been doing has been to try and save our marriage. I hope one day she will understand. One good thing was by the end of our conversation late last night I was able to make her laugh. I could tell that she enjoyed it and I did too. That was the first time I have even been able to laugh for a while. We never did the EN questionnaire since she was upset and agreed it was not the best time to do it. She did like the idea of doing it and I hope we can have a good conversation from it tonight. Thanks for listening and helping me through this.

wilson, the problem with delaying and forewarning the WS about exposure is that they can pre-empt you. As you can see, they are scared to death of your exposure because they know it will ruin the affair. The OM is not going to lose his wife and family for a quick thrill, and your W knows this.

The problem now, though, is that you have been pre-empted and it will be much harder to convince the OMW. They are READY for you. She likely has been told that you are an insanely jealous nutjob who imagines that his wife is sleeping with every man in sight. He will tell her that he and your W are "just friends."

So, be prepared to walk into a situation where your credibility has already been destroyed and come ready with lots of PROOF. This is exactly why it is a bad idea to DELAY and an even worse idea to FOREWARN. Hopefully, you can convince her, but just know that you likely have been preempted and plan on ways to overcome that.

When will you tell his wife? SOON, I hope. The sooner you tell her, the sooner the affair will die, I suspect.

Wilson,

Mel is right on target. She is the Exposure Guru, please follow her advice, no deviations. Also expose to the school and school board if needed. Exposure is the only way to end the A. DO NOT BE AFRAID! You will be threatened by WW and OM, DO NOT WORRY, they can do nothing to you, except play on your kindness and hope you stop exposing their A. In the end you will be rewarded. It's true, just read some of the stories here and you will see it. You will be villified, but after the fog clears and withdrawl is over you will be the hero.

Now, go do what you know you have to do!

Wilson

My STBXW (WW) swore on her Grandmother's grave that she was through seeing the OM. Guess what, she lied. The OM swore to me that he would leave my wife alone twice, guess what he lied. My WW's friend told me the affair was over, guess what she lied and then bought my WW a secret cell phone in her name.

I have little doubt that if I could have found out about the A sooner (didn't find out until almost 6 months deep) and could have contacted OM's wife we would have had a better chance of surviving.

I would tell your WW that you from this point forward both in this case and all cases intend to be a man of integrity and someone she can respect and look up to. You are starting by doing the right thing by the OM's wife.

She has been home now for two days and things are probably worse. Basically everything she told me Sunday night when she wanted to come home has turned out to be a lie. She told me several things like; she was remorseful for what she had done, she wanted to go back to MC, she would send him a NC letter, she missed being at home with me, etc…

She has refused to go to MC yesterday with me; she only wants to bring up me trying to contact OMW. She is saying that if I continue trying to contact her she will move back out on Sat. She has done nothing over the last two days but saying and doing things to try and hurt me. She has not given me a chance to try and be a loving husband. Last night I took her out to a nice restaurant to eat and she did not want talk about anything but why I would want to ruin OMW life. She now realizes that OMW probably has no clue what is going on. I have made it clear that I will contact her regardless and she just keeps saying that I am betraying her. This sets me off given what she has done to me. I got upset with her last night but tried to also tell her that I love her and want our marriage to work. She just keeps telling me how could it work if you can’t do the one thing I ask of you.(Not contact OMW)

At this point I am frustrated, hurt, tired, betrayed and devastated all at the same time. I know this time is also hard for her but she keeps trying to hurt me and I do not know how much longer I can take the pain and then turn around to try and tell her how much I love her. I feel as if she is such a deep fog that she may never come out and I do not know if I can handle the pain until or if she does. It seems like everyday or almost every hour she is back and forth with what she wants. One minute she claims she wants to stay with me and work on our marriage and the next she is still moving out and filing for divorce. I am having a tough time with being appealing to her when she does nothing but continue to hurt me.

She agreed to do a NC letter but still has not done it… I have made numerous attempts of contacting OMW but they have been unsuccessful. I have considered sending a certified letter with the restriction that only she can sign for it. I am not sure if that will work or not. I do not know where she works or have any way to contact her other than driving to their home. He is usually home before she is. I think exposing at her work would be the end of our marriage for sure and she will not even think about asking for a transfer or telling her principal. How can I get through this…

This is another lie designed to protect her affair.

wilson, get in your car and drive over there and knock on the door. Even if the OM is there, you can tell the OMW while he is right there. Can you be in his presence without punching him? If you feel you might have a problem with that, it would be best to take a friend.

But, get this over with. Go over there and do it.