ML said:
If I hurt someone, it's best to just face it like man and admit I hurt them. My victim isn't interested in hearing a bunch of crap about "good intentions."



I'm glad you feel that way. You are SO SO right.

My husband has always been a protector. He sleeps between me and the door no matter where it is- even if it is the side I prefer to sleep on.

He walks between me and traffic. The other evening an unsavory looking man knocked on the door. I answered the door without saying anything to my husband. When I turned around, he was standing behind me with the pistol.

When I am hurt by something, he tells me to avoid the situation so I am no longer hurt.

On d-day he told me the basics. My acitve imagination filled in lots of details. When I started asking for details, he would say something like "it will just hurt you worse." I had not found mb and I didn't understand that yes, I did need to know more.

When I finally realized that it was natural as well as healing to get more information- more details, I told him I needed it. At first, he did not understand.

I explained that I had already imagined the worse, anyway, he might as well tell me the truth.

He did answer the questions. Last month- 13 months later, I had others and he answered them.

Yes, I deserved to know. Yes, he believed he was protecting me. He wasn't, and he realizes it now.

so, yes I see both POVs.

Your example reminds me of a question I often ask myself...Why do people ask questions they dont want real honest answers to??

The difference with your example and an A is that the two people interacting are not trying to rebuild an intimate relationship AND the surviving spouse in your example is not trying to GET BACK a stolen life.



The underlying conflict here is....

NOT wishing to hurt your spouse by telling details v. mutual intimacy / returning the spouse their stolen life

The REASONS a WS may not want to hurt a spouse can be many (not wanting to personally face the gravity of their own actions, not wanting to witness immediate pain, protecting OP....).

The problem is that the result is the same no matter what the intention. Results make the world what it is, intentions are just internal neurotransmissions.


But I understood the gist of what KiwiJ was saying in the root post to be: Hey guys, FWS may make some rotten decisions, cause a lot of pain, but rottenness and pain are not our MOTIVATORS!

I agree Kiwi. We arent all rotten!

I have observed over the years that

in most cases

Active WS and just-ended-my-affair WS have nearly zero insight into their own motivations ...

their 'thinker' is busted

so

actually, you are right

the 'motivations' to slaughter the hearts of their husband/wife & leave their children in a precarious position

are selfish BUT, not motivated to hurt the others

merely motivated to serve their own desires

because the feelings of others are not even on the radar ....

as in

"How can I intend to hurt your feelings when I was not even thinking of you?"

Does this come close?

Pep

PS ... When I was writing this ... I was thinking about HurtInOkla's X husband .... just plowing his family under

not to "hurt" them

but just plowing anyway

Pep