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Ah,
sarcasm and meanness...always effective counseling tools...
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-OT Dealan-de
jheez, 5,000 posts in 2 years. That is alot of posting.
9 years now ... and some days you still say grrr!
Hang in there.
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Thank you Low Orbit for some wise words.
Poiuyt,
You will come to learn many things if you elect to pursue a super-marriage in lieu of a “marriage of convenience”.
You have been given advice to “fess-up” with your wife. If you choose this path it will undoubtedly be one of the toughest things you will ever do. You see, what you are really doing is placing your head on the chopping block and handing your wife the axe. She may elect to cut off your head, as she would be within her right to do so. Yet, she may decide, like most in her situation, to elect a path of recovery thereby opening the two of you to the possibility of a super-marriage. You may not see it now and your wife will initially not see it, but such an act is a true act of love. Unfortunately for you, the converse is also true; to cover it up is a true act of betrayal.
You will not know how things will play out until you take the step.
I hope that you embrace what is being said by LO and others and make this important and brave choice to have a real marriage and real relationship with your wife.
We will all be here to support you and your wife if she chooses. You have reached a defining moment in your life, will you define the moment or will the moment define you?
Mr. G
"You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows," Bob Dylan
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Until your wife knows...you will have no chance to build the marriage you want. And forget about "wild sex" with your wife.
But, should you tell her and then pursue together MC, meetign each others ENs, etc...then I'll bet you will have it all. And you will be able to slowly push the OW into the past.
But first things first. If you dotn tell your wife...you have no chance at the marriage and feelings you say you want.
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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poi..
it is my opinion that you should go back and edit out your wild sex statement...
it's a silly statement to begin with....
cause wild sex is a dime a dozen...and it doesn't just happen you create it...
and we can only assist in creating that type of emotion and connection with your wife...can't do nothing about that between you and the OW
also it is very painful and in my opinion disrespectful to people on this board...
it sounds very boastful and as IF that is such a important reason for breaching your vows...
as in ....."well dayum if the sex was wild...that explains it all".....
lots of people round these parts have wild sex with their spouses....just no point in using that as a weapon for those that in marriages that aren't doing so well...and especially with affair partners...
If you are sincere about wanting help...then you should seek it on a level that is respectful of those you are asking....
the REAL question is..
ARE YOU here to REBUILD your marriage with your spouse...
cause that is what "we" do around here....
and if that is what you seek...
how to get your life back to being an AUTHENTIC MAN
who
is
honorable
protective
and
trustworthy...
and visits no harm within his control on to others...
then we have lots of work to do...
humbly I ask...why are you here at marriage builders..
ARK
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What should I do.We both love our spouses but I am just not able to forget our time together...our talks,emails,SEX...WILD sex..... I wanted to take just a second to help put this into perspective... Yes, In my A, it was very good as well. The OW and I were quite adventurous with each other...we could afford to be because there was little risk to offending each other. But rather than dwell on the past, ask yourself the hard questions... Why was it good? What did I learn about me? How will I use this to recover my marriage? If this something that is so important to me that I will risk asking my W for it? My answers...YMMV.... I spent a good part of my life suppressing this part of myself because I didn't want my wife and others to think I was a freak. I had to learn to embrace that part of myself and manage it...not stuff it away. It was very important to me. I took the risks and introduced some of this "wildness" into my M... Sometimes it was successful...other times not...but I did it anyway...
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cause wild sex is a dime a dozen... actually, I've heard it's a good bit more expensive than that these days...;)
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Poi, what's done is done. This WILL come out of the bag sooner or later. If you are sincere about saving your marriage, your wife deserves to hear it from YOU...she will respect you far more for that than if she has to find out a year from now from some other party. Words that should be written in stone for you P. Also...was dwelling upon what I wrote to you before. Yes...it was VERY harsh...but ballooning your feeling for OW and the adultry up to stratospheric heights is going to do NOTHING for your own healing. It's gonna cause you to compare, compare, compare....and stagnate. Please tell your wife. She deserves to MAKE HER OWN DECISIONS ABOUT HER LIFE. Up till now, you've done all the deciding...
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
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Yes...it was VERY harsh...but ballooning your feeling for OW and the adultry up to stratospheric heights is going to do NOTHING for your own healing. It's gonna cause you to compare, compare, compare....and stagnate. Actually, he's already there, De...and here's the part that's probably hard for many to get... When he makes what appears to be inflammatory statements to you and me(now), he sees them a simple fact of condition...and is no doubt confused why we don't. There is a safe way down from those "stratospheric heights"...he just can't see it yet...
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When he makes what appears to be inflammatory statements to you and me(now), he sees them a simple fact of condition...and is no doubt confused why we don't. I DO understand what he is doing....infact, I know of someone who has just recently walked a mile in his chanklas...lemme shout out to him on another board. Perhaps he can help also....but he and his dw are on va-ca right now so it might be awhile. P - My Wookie was also in your flip flops for a LONG while. I DO understand....you're heart is aching...but you need to begin to focus your attention OUTWARD in order to heal your insides. - Kimmy
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
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Poi,
Don't just bump. Tell us whats going on.
Jo
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Just so you know, P, I did forward your info to the wife of the gentleman I told you about. Hopefully she'll tell him to get his tuckus over here soon....
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
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Poi,
have you read surviving an affair yet?
have you told your wife?
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no I have decided not to tell it to my wife.I have no contact with OW and do not have any intend to.I have joined this group to help me forget my past and look into the future.If someone can help ...they please continue your emails and suppport else I will just fight this battle alone.
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I have joined this group to help me forget my past and look into the future That's not why this group is here. This group is here to help you build your marriage. The tack you have chosen will not accomplish that. I wish you well, poi, but I'm pretty sure you won't end up where you think you will...
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no I have decided not to tell it to my wife.I have no contact with OW and do not have any intend to.I have joined this group to help me forget my past and look into the future.If someone can help ...they please continue your emails and suppport else I will just fight this battle alone.
PIO..
I see the beginings of a conflict here....
that you want support here...but you are very much aware of the support you want..
PIO..
people here will tell you in 10000000000 different words...and in a 1000000000000000 different reasons...
and they all boil down to ..
as a sovereign indivual...you wifes' right to know...
your wife deserves the right to choose whether or not she wants to be married to someone who cheats on her...
it is my opinion that LACK of INFORMATION...the right to make INFORMED decisions...is one of the greatest tragedies and destructive forces of an affair...
all others except the BS exist in the affair with some sort of knowledge of it's existance..and at every moment in the affair are given the opportunity...to choose a 1000 different pathways...
all except the uninformed BS...
her sexual health could be at risk because of your actions...
her mental health could be at risk because of your actions...
you will not find save...(that she will be violent with you and cause you great physical harm...AND IF that is the case then you can't continue in the marriage as is anyways...so we can help address that...)any good reasons for not giving her the right to know...and in that gift knowledge and power to decide...
when we truly love our spouses...
truly respect them as individuals...
we can not and must not take away their right to know and choose...
so we can fill this post with a trillion admonishings on why she has the right to know and why you should tell her....
and know that until you do..
you will never have the marriage that you desire....
it can not exist with such dishonesty at its core...
I pray you seek humility and wisdom to give back to your wife what you have taken..
the power and knowledge she needs to make informed decisions about her life...
other wise you hold her captive from living an authentic life...as you choose to hold her to your lies...
and you can not be an authentic man...
who values
honesty and truth..
tilll you live in honesty and truth...
blessings on this journey..
I pray you choose well..
ARK
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no I have decided not to tell it to my wife.I have no contact with OW and do not have any intend to.I have joined this group to help me forget my past and look into the future.If someone can help ...they please continue your emails and suppport else I will just fight this battle alone. No one here is going to help you cruelly deceive your wife, my friend. She has a RIGHT to this information and to not tell her is cruel, cowardly and MANIPULATIVE. It is profoundly disrespectful and not in her best interest. She must be told the truth so she can protect herself from you. If you want to ever have decent marriage, rest assured this is not the way to do it. Honesty is the solution to infidelity, not more DECEIT. Tell your wife, poiyt, because anything less will not suffice. And no one here will "support" you in this FRAUD.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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no I have decided not to tell it to my wife.I have no contact with OW and do not have any intend to. You will fail, then. You are deliberately robbing your W of her right 2 choose, 2 know who she's married 2. I have joined this group to help me forget my past and look into the future. I think you're smart enough 2 know that forgetting the past dooms you 2 repeating the mistakes of the past. Learn from the past, but don't dwell on it. Also, plan for the fu2re, but realize that worrying about the fu2re is pointless as well. All that you do - dwelling and worrying, or reflecting and planning - you do now. Make now the best you can make it. If someone can help ...they please continue your emails and suppport else I will just fight this battle alone. engage your W in the "battle." It will be hard for a time, but anything worthwhile is. -ol' 2long
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