This may sound crazy, but I believe God has impressed something very "radical" on my heart:

There was a period of a year or so where my W worked 3 jobs while I attempted to be self-employed and made very little money.

I think that it is my turn to get a second job and offer to help pay for her classes. I think she needs to see me sacrifice. I have never really sacrificed anything substancial for her.

This morning I left a dozen pink roses and a gift for her at the front desk where she works, and then left because I didn't want her to feel forced to respond then and there.

thanks WG

Yesterday she called me before I left work and thanked me for the roses.

After I got home we were talking...

ME: I think that I should get a second job and pay for your classes.

WE: I don't want you to do that.

ME: You sacrificed so much for me in the past, I feel I owe you.

WS: I feel like I'm taking advantage of you already financially, and besides, what if it doesn't work out with us? All I want from you is to help me get some credit, keep up on the bills and not have to rely on me for money so I can pay for school myself... I feel like I am so messed up right now. I don't know what I want...

ME: Its very frustrating isn't it, not knowing where your at or where your going?

WS: How can I feel relaxed?... Sex 3 times a day and an easier math class (that was a major stressor for her b4, she ended up dropping it)... Not knowing where I'm headed (career), classes, and our marriage stress me out... You may not like this, but, I think that it would be easier for me to focus on my classes, not having the stress of our relationship. But then I don't want to be so focused on my school that I have no life... I'm really messed up right now, but I know I'll eventually get through this bad part of my life.

(that could be encouraging, or, "us" is the bad part of her life... hmmm...)

We hung out and talked all evening. I couldn't offer any answers, but worked hard to listen and repeat, validating what she was saying. In bed she still is very withdrawn. Its anoying because there are times when she is ummm... pleasing herself!?!?... and ummm... I'm lying next to her and she doesn't want anything to do with me in that way!

Its like were old friends (we have a good time together hanging out, but she still needs space and has no interest in romance.

Here are some of the obsticles I have identified:

1. She wants to be able to live the party lifestyle. (which she has given up ever since I came back)
2. She thinks that our marriage might hold back her career dreams.
3. She wants to get away from family and "old" friends and make a new start somewhere else.
5. Her "new" and permiscous friends who help her believe that sex with anyone is normal and okay.
4. She still sees our marriage as stressfull, even though I have dealt with 90% of the problems, of course the stress may be that being in this situation holds her back from the things listed above.


Any comments? Thanks in advance.

Brother,

The second job thing is a better option than the loan. Trust me. A WS is too unreliable to trust with money. Mine stuck me with a loan that I'm now paying for. It is far better for you to get that second job. That way, if she moves out and you're still married, you can still help her, but you can stop and not be stuck with a loan payment in case she decides to end things.

Trust me when I tell you this. I have a huge loan I have to pay every month because I let my ws get away with a lot in an attempt to appease her. Now I'm playing catchup and paying lawyers trying to fix things.

I know how you feel. The words your WS said are exactly like the ones mine said. Being strong is very hard, but you have to do it! They will not respect you otherwise.

Good luck.

She is asking me to cosign on a personal loan for about $1000 to help establish credit, I already owe her...

Well, everybody's finances are different, but I'd say $1000 is
small enough to just go for it. She 'sounds' moderately responsible about her school plans. Anyway, you have other options: (1) work for the money as you discussed via a 2nd job; and (2) negotiate -- co-sign a $500 loan with her to help with her building credit.

Anything new happening?

- WG