you really cant enforce the boundries if she dont want to listen,but i assure you eventually she will see the consequences!!!!!1
ive read alot of threads and at some point the ws will have things to go wrong thats why i think everyone says to be calm so you can guide them back

My WW will not respect my boundaries not matter what I do she will rebel against my wishes. I hope to God that she sees some concequences soon. I am so ready to go up to her work and find the OM. I know this will land me in jail but what have I got to lose at this point. I have always been her protector, maybe this will help her come back.

I just don't see her paradise with him ending soon. They had the EA for nearly a year and now the PA for 8 months and still going strong. Of course I have only known for 3 months but she is in love with him.

ARRRRRRGGGGGG.

Alrey2
My H is blind to my boundaries right now also. I am having a hard time setting them to begin with, I have become a conflict avoider it seems. Today I am feeling a bit like a door mat.

Just stay strong and do not give her the satisfaction of losing your temper.
*hugs*

Growthspurt,
Yes it appears they like to break them on purpose to get a reaction. It is difficult to stay calm when faced with the lack of respect.

Thanks for the hugs. I must go to work.

Later All

Hello,

It has been awhile since I have posted. I have two other small threads since the end of this one and I will try my hand at consolidating them at the end of this post. One is about a restraining order WW tried to get on me that I beat in court and the other about her filing D papers.

The last time I posted I had just beaten the restraining order and was debating going back home or staying away.

Before the order was served I was tring to Plan A for about a month (lousy Plan A I might add) but my WW was throwing the A in my face and trying to get me mad. It worked and after a big fight about not talking to OM on phone in front of me she served the order and I was out of home for almost 3 weeks. This 3 weeks was incredibly tough. I was so down. I tried to call her about kids and she would not answer. I did finally see the kids 2 times for dinner out but WW would not talk or come within site of me.

I beat the order in court but was serve D papers. I could go home if I wanted but WW did not wish me too. I agreed not to come home, to make her happy. That very weekend I had the kids and she had OM over in my home and bed. I blew up and told her I was now coming home to protect the kids from this behavior. That night we both went crazy. She started burning lingere that I liked, I burnt thongs she wore for him, she burnt a rifle of mine, I burnt jewelery I had bought her over the years, ect.

That was Sept.1. My sister, who always talked to W, called next day and was going off a bit about her lack of respect for me and how there is a right way and wrong way to divorce someone. Basically, she told WW to treat me with some dignity and respect while she was divoring me and stop throwing the A in my face.

Since that day my WW has not talked to him on phone in front of me, said she would not see him until after D and I started a true Plan A. For an month and 1/2 things have seemed very good. I have worked hard to show my love and care for her. I meet her EN of conversation, domestic, admiration, family, rec. comp when she lets me and a little affection, which she does not let me do much, absolutely no touching. I have stopped many annoying habits, am working out, losing weight, stopped many LB. I still have trouble with DJ's and angryness when she hurts me by saying "we are divorcing", "I don't want you", "when will you get it we are done". I must get better at controling myself on these triggers.

Anyway as the month rolled on I thought she was responding very well. We would talk from work 2-3 times a day. We would decide what was for dinner and look forward to getting home to cook together with kids. We would take the kids out to eat on weekends, we had a weinne and smores roast in back yard one night and then carved pumkins together, all her idea.

So as things improved, I was fooled into thinking I could go for some affection. I tried to get fresh one night and she got angry with me. I have periodically tried to touch her arm or put my arm around her back while out together. She always shoots me down and pulls away. She then always says something about us getting divorced and she does not want me. It seems as though I can not stop trying to get and give affection when things are going well in conversation or activities. I need to get control of my needs in this regard and stop taking her niceness as sign of bigger things. Anytime I talk of how we have been doing she is quick to tell me that she is only getting along with me to avoid arguements and drama but she still wants out.

OK, here is where I am at as of this last weekend. This is where I feel we went backwards and I now do not know what to do.

Last Saturday my WW wanted to go to a party of a friend. She wanted me to take the kids to my mothers so I could go out with my friends and not sit at home while she was out. I figured she would be seeing OM and did not like the plan. She told me he would not be there and I finally agreed to take the kids to gramdma. My mind told me that maybe this was her way of getting us back to SF. Maybe we both go out seperately, come home to no kids and do SF and blame it on the alcohol. I tell her that I will be home by 1 am if she would like to come home and see me. She says have fun tonight.

Ok, 1 am. I get home and wife gets home. I ask how her night was. She says very bad and then why. It seems her OM called as she was getting ready and told her that his brother had fallen from a balcony and died earlier that day. She goes to his house to console him and his mother. She was very stressed. I did great. I told her I was sorry for the OM's loss, that I loved her for being so caring and such a wonderful person and I thanked her for telling me the truth. We went to bed seperately.

Next day she says he is to call with an update because they think he was pushed from the balcony. We are to be out with kids and she wants to talk to him without me blowing up. I agree. When she does talk to him it goes on for a hour and they are laughing and stuff. She tells me she will be going to his house later to cook for him and family. I get mad because all of a sudden she is seeing him, talking in front of me and now going to cook for him instead of me and kids. She tells me I am insenitive. We argue all the way home and I accuse him and her of useing this to start the A back up. She says it was never at an end only on hold and still is but we are divorcing so what does it matter and I am a control freak.

She goes to his house and comes home 3 am drunk. They apparently went out to get away from all the crying. Next day I accuse her of sleeping with him to console him. She hangs up and I don't come home that night.

Now it is today, she has not called, I do not know if I should. Maybe I go to plan B now? Maybe I go back to plan A? It just feels like we went back to a month ago when she acted like she hated me. I can not do my plan A if she starts running around with him again. It triggers me to much and I LB. With her coming home to me a kids for a month I was able to Plan A a little and it seemed to work although she says it was not.

I am thinking of not coming home again tonight, see if she calls to see what is up, and then restart Plan A. I simply can not do plan A if she starts going out at night with him and talking infront of me again. I would rather go to plan B than have the A in my face again. Besides, it would seem that my plan A was not actually doing any good other than her being nice and fooling me to think I was getting some where. I had planned on plan A'ing until mid Dec when the court will rule on the Divorce. Then after we sign the papers I go plan B until the A ends, then try to re establish relations with her.

Sorry so long. Any input, suggestions, ideas, thoughts, experiences of where I am at and where I should go or what I might try are appriciated.

When a WS is throwing an A in your face, grinding your nose in it, and clearly provoking you with it in every possible way so you'll blow up and they can blame *you*, I think it's more than time for Plan B.

But don't sign divorce papers unless YOU are certain you want a divorce. Don't give her a divorce thinking to placate her now, give her what she wants and then get back together later after the dust settles. For a cautionary tale, read PapaOf3's very sad story. He did just that (gave his wife the divorce she demanded since she said they could be "friends" if he would) and is now regretting it very much.

Hang in there. Plan B would be my advice.
Mulan

Mulan,

My WW was indeed grinding my face in it in the beginning and then stopped at the request of my sister. I am fealful that the death in the family of the OM will now get her back to wanting to see him and talk with him at all costs, ie. pushing me away with the A in my face again. It definetly changed her attitude towards me in the blink of an eye. She went from nice and respectful seemingly in and out of the fog, to, deep in the "no hope for us so I may as well go to him" fog. I can not take that attitude or behavior again. Hopefully she will not go this route and I can get in another month of improving my plan A before the D.

I am sad the progress that was being made in my plan A seems to have been my false hopes based on her more respectful attitude towards me and our relationship. I still think that progress was being made even if she says otherwise.

I do not want the Divorce, but I do not think I have a choice. I do not know if I can just refuse to sign papers. I will have to ask my attorney that one. I thought once it goes to the judge and he makes decisions on custody, assets and dedts it is final whehter I sign or not?

Thank you kindly for your posts