Loving without fear. That's the missing element; a real lightbulb moment.

I have never had the luxury or comfort of being able to love my husband without fear. I loved him but a lot of what I did and what I took from him was out of fear of losing him. I was always afraid of expressing a differing opinion, making him mad, etc. In the end, I lost myself.

He talks, no action. Words, no deeds.

Indeed.

Each BS will have his/her OWN list of what making an appropriate Amend will be.

This is where the Individual Person has to decide for themselves what gestures Mean the Most to THEM .
Kind of like EN's ......what is significant? .....what means little??

But as others have hit on (so Rightly) is that they ALL involve an ACTUAL Action.
Give us something tangible. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hot air, voiced noise and (perhaps) Empty promises .......[all WORDS mind you] .....just won't CUT it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
Show me something! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

[color:"blue"] It's nice to hear the intended actions, but without follow through to completion it doesn't mean squat! So yes indeed, even though I'm not from Misourri, "SHOW ME!" [/color]

great discussion

I forgot to mention my favorite high cost item:

Post-nup agreement.

A binding agreement that says if either spouse engages in infidelity in the future that results in divorce, the betrayed spouse has first right of refusal for all marital property.

Sort of a money back guarantee.

Think about it - what does it say for a professed former WS to turn such an offer down?

WAT
----------------------
At least we beat Turkey

Much like Pep, H was open to all compensations, at all costs. I, too, think it's why we are sucessfully recovered. His sincerity was unquestionable. - Dru

I do not think that is unreasonable, especially if you are not relying on her income to support the family - Dru

I hope that I did everything possible to make amends. My BH asked for two things, sell the trailer I had been living with and to let him know of any contact between OM and I.

I would have loved to keep the trailer, it represented my ability to make do, to sleep in the bed I had made. But BH didn't want me to have an "exit strategy", which I understood. So I sold it and bought something for us with the money.

We weren't doing MB after we reconciled, we didn't know better. So NC was never brought up. FOM did call three times in the year, I always told BH and I was so proud of myself that I had no pangs whatsoever. I was cold hearted and short with OM and told him in no uncertain terms that my marriage was numero uno.

I would have signed a post nup, I would have moved, I can't think of anything that I wouldn't have done to make amends.

Maybe I'm splitting hairs here, but when I think about it, I don't want my WW to make amends to me.

I do not view A's as something that one does to another person. Rather it is something one does for themselves with a complete disregard for another's feelings. So I do not view it as something owed to me.

But once the WS asks for reconciliation, I need to reasonably expect to be compensated in order to do it. Most WS's ask for a reconciliation, whether they stay in the M or not, most want the BS to be okay with it, to ease the WS's guilt.

Those of us who suscribe to the MB principles and its principles for overcoming infidelity do the work because they expect to be compensated by being better, stronger people at the end of it, if the M fails, and better, stronger people in a passionate M, if recovery occurs. That is our compensation.

If reconciliation is the desire, a FWS should do what ever it takes to allow the BS to maintain a resonable expectation of compensation.

The irony is that a FWS should also do what ever it takes to allow the FWS to maintain a resonable expectation of compensation, and many WS's miss that point. They also miss the point that the same holds true for the actions the BS should take.

A little OT here, but it seems to me, that a lot of WS's (and some BS's), see marriage builders as a way to cram them back into their same old marriage. Its an incorrect view.

If you research Harley's background. He did not start as a marriage coach. He started as a regular IC. People came to him and said I'm not happy, what can I do? After a while he realized that in the majority of his cases, the biggest cause of individuals being unhappy was due to the quality of their M. He decided that the best way to make the most individuals happy was to improve the quality of M's. Thus he started marriage coaching.

But underneath, his goal is for individuals to be happy. The program works both the individual and the MIts like NC. Yes, NC it essential to recover the M. But its also essential for the WS to recover, even if they don't stay in the M. He doesn't advise it just for moral or marital recovery reasons, he advises it because in the long run, the WS will be happier if they end contact.

Harley on resentment <~~~ click here

rprynne,

WOW! Well said. Good post.

Eagle - Thanks.

In my case, I am trying to make amends and nothing seems to work. BH says, "I dont' think I love you. It's been 4 months and I'm still as mad at you as I was at the beginning. I could forgive you the first time, but when you continued with your EA and didn't stop, that I can't get over."

He wants things, then doesn't want things- especially SF, he told me the other day to not press that issue, he'd tell me when he's ready for SF, then today on my VM at work there was a message-"you have a serious f 2 f (failure to ****)"

How can I make amends if he wants nothing to do with it???