MB is first and foremost a site for support of the betrayed. There are those moments where every BS needs to know that 2% of affair relationships work out and expecting people in this position to aid a relationship that they want and need to end up in the 98% bucket is just not going to happen.

You know, I've been reading all these "affair marriage" posts and I've gotta say something....

First of all, are those of you who complain about this issue so perfect in your own lives and/or marriages that you have no work to do there and have all this spare time to flit around like pepperpots and judge others?

Who died and left you people in charge? The forums are set up with terms of use, etc., and have moderators to keep an eye on things. If you feel something is out of line, they(mods) are your point of contact. Don't take it upon yourselves to police the posters and decide what is right or wrong, who should go and who should stay.

You've already succeeded in running nb off active posting. She's done more good here for more people than all of the self-righteous here will do in their entire lives. But, congratulatons! Well done!

For everyone who has ever visited these forums, there is subject matter and there are posters that will offend or make one uncomfortable. If you can't even make the effort to avoid those subjects and posters that offend you, you probably need some professional help with impulse control as well as MB principles.

I've also noticed that there are some self-proclaimed "sages" here. If you want to know who the real sages are here, just watch veterans who never talk about how much they've helped others, never acknowledge others trying to put them on a pedestal. They just give you the straight scoop and the best advice they can, then back away until you need help again. Those are the true "wise ones". I won't mention names in case I forget someone, but one posted on this thread.

I'm not a religious person, but I think most of you are...I leave this for you to comtemplate as you decide who is worthy of MB help and who isn't....
"And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye."

<soapbox mode off>

Ditto Heartpain!

eav, you make an interesting point about the percentage of affair marriages.

My understanding is that the 2-3% figure comes from the concatenation of two other figures: The number of affairs that lead to divorce, and the number that then go on and lead to marriage.

If I recall correctly, each of those numbers is in the 10-15% range. So: 10-15% of affairs outlast the marriage. Of those, 10-15% lead to a marriage that lasts more than 5 years. (That's how they define a "successful" marriage in the research, don't ask me why.)

If you think about folks who find and then stay on MB, they're often the ones where the affair doesn't die immediately. I suspect that folks who post here are a little more likely to be the ones where the affair outlasts the marriage.

And the second figure? Well, a lot of the marriages where the ex married the affair partner are a good bit younger than five years old -- there aren't a whole lot of posters from before 2001, though there are some.

So I suspect a lot of the relationships that started as affairs and have become marriages have not yet played out their full life-cycle. Many of these do end in divorce, whether it's in 5 years or 25 years. 65% of ALL second marriages end in divorce, after all, and the percentage is higher for affairs.

However, that does not mean that any one marriage that started as an affair will end. Nor, in my view, does it mean that they all SHOULD end. We've read several times about the circumstances under which the Harleys will help when a marriage began as an affair. I tend to agree with them that if there are children in the second marriage, and not the first, then the second marriage should be helped to survive. Similarly, if the former spouses want nothing to do with them, then lets give the new marriage support. I like that, too.

I would probably go a little further and try to provide help for figuring out the best approach (whether divorce or not) in situations where there are children from more than one marriage and partners in various states of wanting to reconcile or not. In my view, the "greater good" in each of these situations may not mean rebuilding the first marriage. It's also the case, however, that these situations are rife with ethical and moral problems and dilemmas. There's no "clean" solution -- just less-bad alternatives and painful consequences no matter what you do.