Not a problem at all. I was very careful not to bring the boys & her together for quite awhile. I noticed it especially within the past 3 months. We've been friends for 14 months. So it's a fairly recent phenomena. I learned early that the British part of her is quite pronounced when it comes to meeting folks, & being shy!!

So she doesn't warm up to new people very easily at all. In fact, her interaction with my boys isn't limited to just them. It's pretty standard with others too, including my parents. She's an accountant by career. Director of Financial Planning & Analysis for a large US corp. So she is introspective by nature.

But it never changes with the boys. She just kind of ignores them alot. I don't like it.

I applaud your continuing relationship. That's just fine. Especially if there are grandkids involved -- it's a MUST to stay connected in my opinion.

In my exGF case, there are no kids. She maintains a really unhealthy level of communication & involvement with them, including telling them things about she & I that are private. Also, they discuss her ex a good deal from what I can tell. She continues to get her validation from them that she didn't do anything wrong vs her reaching that conclusion through herself discovery & recovery & therapy.

I am not jealous...not even a little. In reality, I'm not a jealous type. Take me or leave me. I don't waste my life energy on jealousy.

But it just smacks of...Bizarre...and unhealthy the way she's pursued hanging on to them & them to her. It's sort of like none of them have come to grips with the reality of the divorce on some levels.

Does this make more sense?

Man, that'd be a dealbreaker for me. And oh, am I gonna get it, but I still feel that childless people (like your GF) simply do not and will not "get" what kids mean to us parents. I know there are exceptions, but I have yet to find them...

AGG

Yeah, that's a biggie. It's OK to stay friendly with the outlaws, but I think that discussing you with them would be over the line for me.. WTF?

AGG

Hmm, just noticed this part. So are you officially done, or just taking some time apart?

You have your answer HF, pretty loud and clear. You just have to give yourself some time to let your heart catch up w/ your head.

I'm really sorry. I know how much this sucks

Absolutely. I totally see what you are saying....almost sounds like a co-dependant relationship. I agree that she should not be discussing you or intimate details of your relationship w/ her ex-in laws. As close as I am to mine, I absolutely do not go there.

You know, KNOW, I couldn't let this one go by AGG <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Speaking from experience eh my friend? Are you finding it an insurmountable problem? Things ok w/ G?

(please 'scuse the itty bitty threadjack HF <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />)

One of my best g/f is currently in a relationship w/ a NMNK man in his 40's...they dated 15 yrs ago....she has 2 boys and is a widow. Their almost 2 year relationship has been fraught w/ issues, and yup, you guessed it, it's usually about her kids and his inability to adjust etc. He's clueless yet she continues, chopping right thru all the red flags. sigh. He's a nice guy, they really love each other, but they are not well suited. Not in the slightest.

double sigh

Don't do this to yourself HF

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> no problem ... I am speaking from experience, and far from only with G. Without fail, women with kids never complained about me focusing on mine or devoting time to them, and without fail, women without kids eventually made some comment about why I focus on my kids so much. As you said, sigh.

But things are good with G, and I do not see it as an insurmountable problem. I have resigned myself to the fact that that is how it will be. She does love them and focus on them, so that is a good compromise for me. But, uh, yeah, if she did what HF's GF did, it'd be all over.


Bingo <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

yea, so am I, same profession and position for 15 years, and that has nothing to do with being pleasant to other people.

when I had a moment with my GF's daughter, I told her that she didn't have to like me, and I told my kids that they didn't have to like my GF, just be polite is all that i ask of everyone, be respectful to each other . . .

for them, it relieves the pressure of should's, and unreasonable expectations. . . because they just might not like each other. . . but so far, not any long lasting problems. . .

wiftty

HF, have you told her? Not only that you don't like it, but that you cannot accept it and that it's a dealbreaker??

If not... you might try... maybe she had have no chance to learn it, maybe she's not aware of... thousands maybes... one of them hopefully is that she just has to learn what kids mean, to you, and in general...
Give her a chance, especially if you haven't openly at all disscuss this issue...

In-law issue: The more people in our (my boys & mine) lives who love us the better. The more people I love the bigger my heart.

Yea, you pretty well summed up where I'm at...allowing my heart to catch up with my head.

That's why I'm talking all of this out with the group. I need to hear myself reach these logical conclusions & allow my heart to catch up.

Oh, we've already "broken up" & are no longer exclusive, etc. But we're remaining friends & will have some limited contact. 150 miles apart certainly keeps things separated. Now I'm just analyzing & disentangling my heart I think.

She's the first person I've been around since my D that I could actually feel myself falling for & see myself getting married to one day...maybe. So it hurts at that level.

To balance out the ignoring the boys thing: She does buy them gifts & bring treats & has attended special events they were in even though it meant a substantial drive for her. If you could see her in action, it's clearly not malicious or mean-spirited. It's more socially clumsy & aloof & distant based. Does that make sense?

Originally, she was VERY shy with me & even after months of being together, when we would first see each other after a week or two, it would take hours for her to warm up. Eventually she'd be holding my hand, laughing & looking me in the eye & giving me hugs, etc. So she'd warm up physically. But it's not her first instinct at all.

So with the boys, she never has warmed to that level.

Basically, it makes it sadly awkward alot. But again, unless I'm totally deceived, there is no malicious intentional distance on her part.

She talks about the boys, prays for them, & is quietly around them. She has NEVER complained about them or my time spent with them. That should be said too.

Truthfully, I think she's just VERY English reserved. And a touch socially clumsy. I've gone up & hugged her sweet parents & it's like hugging an ironing board!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> They are soooooo stiff!!! But they're genuinely nice people no question in my mind.

Well, that was a good experience, you learned that you do not like emotionally stiff and reserved people. .

So that means that when you encounter one, you will not persue an intimate relationship, but just a friendly relationship, an acquantance of sorts

CORRECT? ok, then onto your next interactions with new people to see if what else you prefer, versus not prefer. . .

good relationship then, you learned some valuable insights into yourself and human nature. . .

well done. . .

keep up the good work. .

wiftty

WIFTTY ~ Yes, I prefer warmer personalities. But at the same time, this woman had some superb qualities & character that I also truly enjoyed. Thoughtful. Loyal to a fault. Very stable & predictable. Intelligent. Financially secure & sound. Enjoyed many hobbies I also enjoy. Quick witted. Not a whiner. Clean. Could grasp deep subjects with ease. Spiritual - not shallow. Etc., etc.

Agreed! This is all a learning experience & is best treated as such. In fact, all relationships are a huge teaching tool for our lives.

Well...life's school goes on. ~ HF

I can really tell you highly respect her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> and your description does make her seem alot better in my eyes (not that THAT matters, but you kwim <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />).....

Hang in there HF

HUGS!

Thx Devastated!! I appreciate you. ~ HF