VR,

For your sanity you need to end this sick cycle... STOP going to myspace. This is going to make you feel crazier than you already feel. This is bringing you down to his level, and you're way above him, aren't you?! Stop it!

Continue to concentrate on yourself and your children. Be a shining example to them... this will impact your WW much more than this clown of an OM.

Your new mantra is "one day at a time." With each day, you will NOT go to myspace and you will take care of yourself in a mature and healthy way.

Also, if your lawyer thinks this myspace garbage from OM will help your cause, have him (or someone else) monitor it and print stuff off... not you.

I hope you are having a better day today.

KM

I am doing better, I do realize I need to stop this cycle of following the bait.

One aspect of it is that I feel that I am okay - because she is doing this crazyiness. She does blame me and uses me for justificaiton but I have let that guilt go.

I am worried about what her legal actions are going to be, she wants to keep me paying for everything but she now realizes a 50/50 custody will actually net her a lot less money.

What is funny is that I taking on all marital debt, paying for the kids private school and giving her alimony.... but she wants more. As my lawyer says she would probably loose a lot of what I gave her in the separation agreement if we go to court

So my wife has been getting what I consider bad advice from friends about what she can do. She paints them a picture of me controlling and imprisioning her. We are separated but living in the same house. She feels trapped, but now that I am planning on moving out and we are going to be forced into forclosure and I am trying to sell the house or give it back to the bank. That I am being selfish, i am not thinking about her?

I thought when you tell someone you want a divorce and you want to separate that it means you want to be independent and take on your own responsibilities. So she writes these notes to talk to her lawyer about... he's put a deposit on a apartment but hasn't done anything for me.

So I have to ask we have been separated for almost 5 months but she acts like a SAHM.... shouldn't I have an expectation that she would have started looking for a job?

She now is on her 3 or 4 plan of what she is going to do... oh you need to support me so I can study for the next month to become a pharmacy tech? Wouldn't she better be served if she goes out finds a job starts defending for herself and improve herself by studying.

Back to the SAHM thing..... she ignores the kids, doesn't pick things up, I have been the primary provider since the fog rolled in. Now she is wanting to take sole custody because she found out that our 50/50 arrangement would leave her with less childsupport.

So I feel sort of like papaof3 but I feel that Iam legally in a better position but spiritually I am down with him.

My WW doesn't hide her legal notes very well.....


It looks like my wife may be shopping for a new lawyer she has gotten number's for lawyer x, y and z.

What I have learned is that she has talked about fiing a complaint of child custody/support.

She doesn't want to take the kids away but wants to be the custodial parent, having them live with her as primary they can stay with me every other weekend and holiday schedule and in the evenings tue and thur.... I think this was suggestd to her by friends.

Her contention is that isn't it a form of abandonment when you intenetionally not pay the mortgage, Have yourself a place to live forget me and when I hav the children.

Some of ther comments she has made... Wants to sue for legal feed, court order separation, temporary custody of kids. That I am taking the roof from over their heads.

That I have taken her off the checking account, when we signed our original LSA.

She not longer has access to any money (my checking)

She's has a 6 hour a week job that she misses about 3 hours a week because of her affair - everytime she traveld to NY to be with OM she had to cancel work on that friday and/or saturday. So she complains not having money but she spent 250 on a plane ticket to NY

Harrassment defamation of character - said to kids new principal that she is adulterous that Iam having an affair with another man, that I spent 15 days out of state - she corrects that and says it was only 10.

Principal is also pastor and its christian school

Continues to tell WW that she is having an affair

Continues to listen to conversations outside my bedroom door or upstairs (I live upstairs) We are living in the same house - so our separatio agreement is actually on shaky ground

Not paying mortgage puts a deposit down on an apartment - but she is concerned that I am not providing for her/getting her a place to stay/watching out for her.

We are financially unstable because I bought her whatever she wanted, I got a house that we could barely afford and used our savings and stock to stay in it for her, but I am focued only on me

She has talked about

Sue for breach of contract
Sole custody
Going after me for legal fees

She doesn’t want to agree to every other week - she says she agreed to primary residence with mom is what she agreed too

She is worried about having enough money so she doesn't have to work as much as the rest of us.

One thing she doesn't realize is that CS is adjustable and it says that in our contract, she wants to go out and get a 15$ an hour job and keep the CS at a rate of if she was only making minimum wage.... She is naïve to the ways of the world

Okay, first of all, she'll probably still get the same amount of CS. In most states it goes by who makes the most money. She'd have to be making really good money to warrant a reduction in CS. If you make 140K a year, her $15.00 an hour will probably not warrant that.

Secondly, she's lost it on you owing her a place to live. Oh, my, how entitled can a person get??

It's time for her to get responsible. No it's no abandonment as long as you make sure your kids are taken care of- they can be with YOU.

I'd go with 50/50 custody. Every other week. Half the stock options if you guys purchased them together. Reduced child support for 50/50 custody- although I don't think they will reduce it alot being how you make so much more than her.

You're in the cat bird seat here. She's consulting another attorney because the first one told her she was out of her mind.

Ha..too rich.

Tell her that the ORIGINAL contract said foresaking all others...and until death do us part.

When she intentionally and willfully breached that contract your responsibility for providing for her ended.

In short? You pull down your panties for another man..don't send your husband the bill.

No place to live? Tough..welcome to adulthood. Addicts live on the street as a rsult of their poor life choices..she is no different.

She defamed her own character..if you can prove her A she's got nothing.

Can't support the children..Tough then SHE can adjust to seeing them under YOUR roof until she deicdes to get a real job and bother cutting her sex parties short to show up for it.

The sense of entitlement just boggles the mind..and reinforces the parent/child dynamic that I see as such a common denominator..she is treating you as though you were her father abandoning your responsibilities..not her lover whom she has betrayed and who owes her personally..nothing.

Get an aggressive lawyer.

Viking,

I hope you have a good lawyer. The money you spend now on a good lawyer will more then make up for what you pay later if you have a bad one.

If you have a really good lawyer he can put you in a good position.

For example she is only making $15 an hour. Can she make more? If so he can have CS decided on what she can really make. They do it all the time.

For instance I make more then FWW so I want lower CS. I quit my good job and get a job paying $15 an hour. The court will actually base child support on what I am capable of making. They do this so CS is fair to all involved especially the kids.

You can actually have vocational training for WW stipulated in the CS agreement. (At least in my state.) Meaning she goes to school so she can make more money.

Beyond that document every thing you can.

Has there been an incident where her A has caused embarassment to the Children? Not between you and WW but with outsiders. IE OM showing up and arguing or something? Has she taken them with her to go out with OM?

An A is not usually taken into consideration unless it directly harmed the children. Taking them with her can do that. It can also call into question her character. If she is willing to do that now what will she do when you are Divorced?

Read mortormans thread he was very well prepared.

The courts will not decide custody because of finances for either spouse.

If they think either one of you is asking for more because of money then it won't bode well for that person.

Just be prepared for everything.

Keep journals. I created a new email account and sent my stuff there as a safe place. She doesn't even know it exists. LOL. Safest place you can have it.

It's good to know her legal position. Knowing such will perhaps give you the strength to petition for full custody with supervised visitation. It's all negotiatable anyway and since you know she's taking an extreme position...you take one on the other side.

The worst thing you can do is expect this to go nicely in court. To get what you want you have to ask for way more than you want and settle in the middle closer to your expectations. You hire your attorney and tell him to be a pit bull. If WW or anyone criticizes your actions in court, you hide behind your attorney (yeah, he's been a bit aggressive...I'll try to get him to back off a bit...then do nothing).

Mr. Wondering

Go get the book, "Father's Rights". It will be a golden investment for you. I read it in an afternoon.

Here's the thing, if you go to court and argue about money, you'll lose.

As a man, you have to present yourself as a great dad. Document everything. Keep a detailed journal.

The best place to do this is on www.divorcesource.com. Create a calendar on there and start logging events. That's what I'm doing and it is easy to use.

Myspace is poison. I have had the same problems staying away as you do. I've been off of her site for over a week now, and feel great about it. I used to go every day to see what clues I could gather from her page that she was seeing someone.

This is self torture. You will keep doing it, though. Even when you know you shouldn't. It's compulsive, but you won't gain anything doing this.

The focus during the custody battle is on you and your kids. You start to focus on anything else, her behavior, money, expense habits, etc, and you'll lose. You focus on the time you spend as a dad, and your actions there, you'll likely get the 50/50.

In court, focus on your time with your kids! Do you know the names of their teachers? Doctors?

Are you the one that takes them to their appointments? Daycare? All this stuff matters. Pics of you and the kids.

Collect a folder and put together your awards, decorations, promotion info, news articles. Let the court see you're not a stereotype deadbeat dad.

Good luck.