|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025 |
just wondering should i refer omw to mb when i expose to her? I just had a debate about this issue on another thread. WAT and Melody Lane both think you should tell OMW about MB. I respectfully disagree that it is such an easy answer. Below you will see my post with some considerations on the issue. WAT,
.
It's not a matter of being uncaring or unloving [to not tell the OM'sW about MB]. It's a matter of being wise.
.
Consider this, a month down the road when OM or OM'sW starts posting to Artor (or his then FWW if she ends up posting) herein and Artor (or his then FWW) has to pack up an leave cause he's either being harassed by OM, annoyed by OM or he fears his wife may join in a read OM (thus breaking NC) then who is helped at all by MB. In the end, it's possible all four can't utilize MB for fear of bumping into each other. Nobody is then served well by MB.
.
Some considerations:
.
1. It is my general observation that help/support is best received when it is sought out by one's own efforts.
.
2. BS's don't take kindly to any help offered them from OP's (even when it comes from their BS)
.
3. If OM's W comes here there is to much risky contact btwn the two BS's that are equally and mutually tempted to undertake a revenge affair.
.
4. If you don't tell OP's Spouse about MB, they will not seek to monitor or just lurk to keep an eye on you nor will they even consider trying to find you cause they have no idea you are even here. Artor or his wife down the line may just leave if he suspects he is being monitored whether such is true or not.
.
5. Exposure is help enough...there is no obligation or golden rule requiring the BS to "help" the other BS further.
.
6. The constant fear of being observed, even by a lurker, may limit the forthright and honest nature of Artor's or his wife's future posts which can hamper recovery. They'd always have to post worrying that someone out here KNOWS who they really are. The anonymous nature of the forum for ARTOR is disrupted making MB worthless to him and/or his wife down the road.
.
It's certainly OK to advise it and/or to actually do it. It's not the biggest mistake. To each his own. It's certainly nice to offer the help but may lack forsight to possible future complications and should perhaps be discussed, weighed and considered.
.
If you still disagree with me WAT...we can agree to disagree. It's really just logic to me....no biggie.
.
Mr. Wondering (I did edit this a bit from original form) In response to my post above, WAT vehemently disagreed and thought telling OM'sW about MB was still a risk worth taking. The health and recovery of THEIR marriage can be beneficial to your marriage as well. It may come down to how long you really think you want to utilize MB. If you feel compelled to stick around, use it to bust up the affair and recover...then the risk of losing MB may be to much. If giving it up if they do show up is OK, then tell them. Your call. Mr. Wondering
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179 |
A near compromise may be telling her about MB, mentioning the articles but not the forums. It is possible that the OP's BS will still find them and post, but if nobody knows where exactly anyone is or when they might be coming, I think it reduces the risk of bumping into each other. I would go on a case by case basis, but think that in most cases I would be in favor of MB for all. (Do I sound socialist, or what? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Like MrW pointed out, telling the OMW to come here is not without risk and I understand what he means. There is also a strong chance that a) the OMW will never find this exact forum, b) will never discern your screen name and c) would not tell her WS.
The benefit of telling the OMW to come here is that we can help do things that will benefit her marriage and attract her H back. We can also help her protect herself by giving her pointers to ensure the affair is ended. That benefits both BS's.
As with most anything, there is risk involved. For me, the benefits outweigh the risks in this case, though.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412 |
Some of this depends on the OMW's reaction. I've seen so many different reactions....some want all the details and all the help, some want to make friends and pump your brain, some want to kill the messenger, some throw the phone in a rage, some hang up and call you a liar, some weep hysterically and just are too broken to listen, someimmediately file for divorce or kick the OM out. Ya just don't know whose on the other end yet....or how healthy they are...or how strong they are. If she questions you or sounds interested....by all means....tell her how to get here....but don't make it part of some standard spiel....find out whose on the other end of the phone first and how receptive they are. If she doesn't want to talk to you further....give her that choice because she's in a tough spot too.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025 |
Good point Starfish,
Also...be wary of too much "comfort" being sought. You and her are both mutually and equally motivated to have a revenge affair. It's almost a primal revenge instinct to "take" or "have" the OP's spouse.
Be mindful of your own integrity and risk. You ARE emotionally vulnerable right now and you are human. Shut her down if she goes anywhere near that. You've got enough problems in your life...no need to go beyond exposure and setting up a way to contact each other regarding any future contact. If she needs facts, provide them but helping and/or "comforting" the damsel in distress is NOT your responsibility.
Mr. Wondering
p.s.- Just last winter, one BH here had the OM'sW show up at his job throwing herself upon him. He refused her advances after being forewarned herein. Additionally, after exposure keep any contact over the phone or in public...lest you risk even an allegation of impropriety. In divorce court, God forbid, private meetings with her could become relevant and made to appear questionable.
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 43
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 43 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412 |
sunny,
Thanks for the additional information....every little bit helps put things in perspective. There is a slight advantage to knowing the other person's spouse....for one thing....you're not some complete stranger that calls out of the blue. Your call won't scare her or worry her. Since you know her....just pick up the phone and try some of the wording I suggested....or some of your own, since you know her better....and get it over with chere. Don't wait too long to let the people in WSs family know too....especially those that support your marriage or you know don't approve of infidelity. You don't want to drag out exposure....because the reaction is usually so strong that it's better to do all the important ones at the same time....and get one bad reaction rather than lots of days of anger.
I know you're hurting sonny. I'm so sorry. What about finances? Have you thought about what you need to protect yourself there?
As part of Plan A....you also need to be looking at what things may have contributed to the vulnerability of your marriage...that you can make an impact on. What things does she complain about. What things about you is she critical about? Do you hurt her feelings in any way.
You want to fill the needs she'll let you fill....and that may not be much...but things like being a good father don't require permission from her. What do you think her most important needs are (besides money)?
Don't forget that doing these things....is not about being "nice"...it's about being calm and assertive...committed to the marriage....but also committed to standing up for the marriage. Don't make threats....but do define your boundaries.
((((((((((((((sunny))))))))))))))))
I'm going out of town for a few days....but I know the folks here will give you good help. Anytime you have some time....do some journalling here and talk about the history of your marriage, personalities, and what led up to all of this mess. Ask plenty of questions....and don't feel shy about posting on this thread so that it keeps going back up to the top of the pile. The squeaky wheel gets more grease around here....and with the weekend coming....you need to squeak it up so that you don't get lost. If your post falls to the second page....bump it yourself. okay?
I'll keep you in my prayers.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 43
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 43 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 43
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 43 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 43
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 43 |
any suggestions what to say when or if she comes home tonite?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Oh no, don't move out. If she wants to move out, she can "be a man" and move out. Moving out would be the worst thing you can do.
Did you expose to the OMW?
She is being hostile so she can bait you into a fight. If she can get you into a fight, she can justify her affair. So, don't fight with her and don't talk of divorce. Just tell her you don't want her to move out, but can't stop her if she chooses to go.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 43
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 43 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 43
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 43 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 43
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 43 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
sunny, I would expose the affair to the OMW and to your wife's mother. If you think WW's friend would be supportive, I would expose to her also.
I would get your money out of the account so your W doesn't plunder it. Your first obligation is to your family bills. Your family money shouldn't go to pay for her affair. She will have to continue paying for your mortgage and the household bills even if she leaves. But, first, get your money PROTECTED so she doesn't plunder your account for her affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 43
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 43 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Expose to the OMW NOW, sunny! Get that out of the way. Give your SD a hug, that poor girl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 43
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 43 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 43
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 43 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 43
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 43 |
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
529
guests, and
96
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,038
| |
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|
