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is there a time "t" that i can do this , say i look at it in a 30 day period and then launch my offensive?
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Ahhhhhhhhhh
Welcome Ms.W,
to the land of wood and water. Hope you had a lovely time.
question: can i do this commando style? get the number, buy a different cell phone and call the home (if i get the number) and expose the OM anonimusly? with evidence.? Yes, nc007, a lovely time, indeed, thank you...Yours is a very welcoming, beautiful country, with great pride...I have also been to Ocho Rios...I remember from all those years ago (I was 16) the smell of the flowers being more fragrant than any others I have ever smelled...And all those churches, what a blessing, WOW...And the importance placed on the education of your children...Your country is right to be a proud nation... Ok, down to business...Why would you wish to remain anonymous? Please explain how that would help in any way? You want your wife to know that she has been exposed and that you are prepared to do all that you can to fight for and save your marriage, because it, and more importantly, she is worth it to you...Be her knight in shining armor...She won't see it that way at first, but in the long run, which is what counts you can bet that she will...Do you realize that many times for women their love is attached to the amount of respect that they hold for you? Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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k. maybe i grew up too protected.
scared to death of doing this though. Just need time to track this woman down.just once she called my phone by mistake. and i never even stored the number.
will have to do some serious recon.
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is there a time "t" that i can do this , say i look at it in a 30 day period and then launch my offensive? If I called you and told you that your wife was laying on the floor of a crack house strung out would you ask this question? That is where she is nc007, go rescue her! Further, why would you wish to endure this torture for that much longer and have this affair cause more destruction and pain to you and your entire family? The time is NOW... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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k. maybe i grew up too protected.
scared to death of doing this though. Just need time to track this woman down.just once she called my phone by mistake. and i never even stored the number.
will have to do some serious recon. Your fear is understandable...This all seems very counterintuitive...Here is a post by star*fish on fear that I like...Perhaps it will help you in your struggle... Mrs. W It is the fear that paralyzes you, sends blood rushing through your veins, sours your stomach, and interupts your sleep. It is the fear that gives away your power, your hope, and your forgiveness. It is fear that robs you of the active self and traps you in the role of patronizing enabler who will take them back at ANY cost...even if the price is too high. It is fear that keeps you from confronting and exposing. And fear that prevents you from enforcing your boundaries and having compassion for yourself.
Fear of abandonment.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of reaction....yours, theirs.
Fear of future...the unknown.
Fear of destitution and want.
Fear of failure.
Fear of losing.
Fear of loss.
Fear of solitude.
Fear of settling.
Fear of change.
Fear of lack of change.
Fear
Fear
Infidelity creates FEAR....and fear is crippling. Research shows us what we already know in our hearts....when we are fearful....we are unable to fire up the parts of our brains that "process" information on a logical, rational, spirtual level and create solutions that increase the odds for success in crises. When we are fearful....we don't use our neocortex....but instead, it is our limpic system which lights up our MRIs....our animal brains wired for "fight or flight".
There is no HOPE in our animal brains....because our indentity, our souls, our compassion....don't reside there. You are only capable of conflict or escape when you are there....so you must find a quiet place to deal with your fears so that you can confront, expose, do all the things that overcoming infidelity entails....all the things that happiness entails. You must value yourself as well as protect yourself, without fear of losing your WS or enforcing boundaries.....because if you don't....all your fears will be realized anyway.
MB is not designed to trap you in a marriage where your feelings are crushed and disrespected or the vows of marriage are meaningless. It's designed to help you overcome fear and give you hope that marriages CAN recover from infidelity....but you must be brave and be willing to risk losing your WS in order to regain trust, fidelity, security.
You must be willing to see beyond your pain and take logical and systematic steps to undermine the affair and increase the stability and security of your marriage. That takes courage above pain. It takes the peacefulness of knowing you are strong enough to lose a self indulgent and unrepentant spouse or recover with a flawed, but motivated one.
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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I am a FWW, so I understand where your wife's head is right now...I'll help you all that I can...
where in the world could my wife headspace be now? Ms.W
help me understand my "enemy"
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nc007...
Affairs are like addictions...Picture it this way...A lab rat in a cage pressing a button to get a fix of cocaine...Your wife is like that rat...OM and his smooth talk are the cocaine...He feeds her addiction with ego strokes...she returns the favor by stroking his fledgling ego...They are 2 soul sick individuals...The feelings aren't real...They aren't even about the OM...They are about how the ego strokes she is getting are making her feel about herself...She is looking for happiness outside of herself...She doesn't understand that happiness comes from within...Affairs are all about the WS...Affairs are fantasyland relationships that don't have real life problems in them...There are no bills to pay, no sick children to deal with, no morning breath-no problems really, because they aren't REAL...It's all based in false "romance"...That is why when you inject reality into affairs with exposure they crumble...Make a little more sense now?
Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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wow.
i never knew.
just found out from her sister that he is "very sick" i dont know if its the common flu or worse.
she was concerned.
to ****** with that. she isnt even concerned about (son) or myself.
makes me so damn mad.
i am sooooooooooo mad.
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just the thought causes my head to hurt.
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nc007: Another quote about fear for you: "The Origin of Fear Q: You mentioned fear as being part of our basic underlying emotional pain. How does fear arise, and why is there so much of it in people's lives? And isn't a certain amount of fear just healthy self-protection? If I didn't have a fear of fire, I might put my hand in it and get burned. A: The reason why you don't put your hand in the fire is not because of fear, it's because you know that you'll get burned. You don't need fear to avoid unnecessary danger - just a minimum of intelligence and common sense. For such practical matters, it is useful to apply the lessons learned in the past. Now if someone *threatened* you with fire or with physical violence, you might experience something like fear. This is an instinctive shrinking back from danger, but not the psychological condition of fear that we are talking about here. The psychological condition of fear is divorced from any concrete and true immediate danger. It comes in many forms: unease, worry, anxiety, nervousness, tension, dread, phobia, and so on. This kind of psychological fear is always of something that *might* happen, not of something that is happening now. *You* are in the here and now, while your mind is in the future. This creates an anxiety gap. And if you are identified with your mind and have lost touch with the power and simplicity of the Now, that anxiety gap will be your constant companion. You can always cope with the present moment, but you cannot cope with something that is only a mind projection - you cannot cope with the future." -Eckhart Tolle, " The Power of Now" We BSs spend a lot of time worrying about what may or may not be going on, what "bad" things might happen if we expose the A, what others may or may not be "doing 2 us." Usually, we drive the WSs mad with our behaviors when we're dwelling on past hurts or imagining fu2re skulduggerous acts by our waywards. What we need 2 do is help (plan A, carrots and sticks). It takes a conscious effort on our parts 2 stop going there - getting sucked in2 drama, playing scenarios over in our imaginations, adopting the "victim" mentality. But it's necessary, and a great plan A. Another quote that I found helpful when my imagination was driving me nuts and making me behave in ways that weren't very good plan A behavior has 2 do with forgiveness. Spacecase put a bunch of quotes about forgiveness on his website here: http://iloveulove.com/wisdom/50quotes.htmBut this one is the one I'm referring 2 here: "With a little time, and a little more insight, we begin to see both ourselves and our enemies in humbler profiles. We are not really as innocent as we felt when we were first hurt. And we do not usually have a gigantic monster to forgive; we have a weak, needy, and somewhat stupid human being. When you see your enemy and yourself in the weakness and silliness of the humanity you share, you will make the miracle of forgiving a little easier." Lewis B. Smedes - " Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve" I think the "enemy" referred 2 by MrsW here isn't the W, it's the A and the W's addiction 2 it. -ol' 2long
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so i am now convinced that i need to bust this wide open.
just waiting for the opportunity to get his house number.
it will take time but i will have to do this.
last night i went to councilling to get myself together. funny enough they totally agreed with you without even looking at this forum.
stayed out till 11:30 PM then came in , she was up waiting.
i said hi then changed and showered. she pryed about what i was doing and all. Sticking to plan "A" carrots. i told her just enough. and not entertain any further conversation.
She eventually said that if i found a girl, because of our fledging "friendship", i can tell her. (lol) she understands that i have needs. (Ms.W can u relate?)
she'll understand.
Told her that i consider her precious and i am not going to defile her gift. I cared about her feelings alot.
And told her that she can do anything she wants but remember its her chioce. i am always here. but i cant make her do anything and i am not about to try. But i care for and love you.
Told me she was going out friday night, with some "Friends"
i replied OK.
Continued humming amd left her. (she was wondering why i was in a happy mood)
hence she thought i found a girl.
i went to bed.
woke up made her tea ,got the kid ready and went to work.
she aked if i was hiding anything from her. So i told her that i am hurt and continue to hurt by her accusations and outburst. but no matter what. you are precious to me and i love you.Missed her hugs and affection.
then she held me and gave me the tightest hug she ever did.
my child asked the babysitter if we were married.
pretty sad.
but it felt great . i "man up" while talking to her and didnt become "clingy" or soft. just stated the facts.
it felt good.
for my child sake i fight this battle.
Pray that god opens her eyes as i learn to dole out tough love.
what do you guys think of my night/this morning?
maybe plan A will confuse the ****** out of her. i pray it does.
Day 3
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has anyone felt while at work........."i wonder if she is calling him now.." moment
it sometimes drive me crazy.
how could she have done this? and justified this?
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yeah. i get that way sometimes. but I get over it,by telling myself that if she is... there's nothing I can do about it. and if she is... me knowing about it wouldnt particularly help anyway.
At this point, you do what you know you have to do. you're doing it. Whether or not she spoke to him today or not, you should still be doing the same things. So in most ways that count, it just doesnt matter right now.
It's sad that she is, and it hurts.. but knowing about it would just make you hurt, and not solve anything at this point.
I'm guessing If you or I ever get to agreed "NC".. THAT's when it actually matters.
SO.. that's how you can focus. it's a battle for a later time. not now. you have other battles now.
like being consistant with your own actions in plan A.
ME: H, 35, married 9 years. 3 young sons
W:32, series of online "friendships"
1st D-day: some time 2004 (online EA) OM broke off, NC june 2005, but no recovery plan
2nd D-day: june 20th, 2006("ILY" to "friend"). W moved out next day.
Oct 2006, starts being around a 3rd guy instead. Mar 2007, stopped?
Current status: Separated. W filed D. in July 2006, served Dec 11th, my response filed Jan 8th
Most recent thread
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nc007... You did a wonderful job last night and this morning...Keep her guessing while filling her needs and gathering your intell... And yes, as sick as it is, I get the whole thing about her almost wanting you to do as she is...I tried to get Mr. W to have an affair during my own <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> ...She wants to ease her guilty conscience partly, and partly it is her worst fear that you would betray her...It is very strange, but very common...WSes are full of conflict... How long do you expect it will take to get the number for OM's girlfriend? Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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not quite sure.
trying to get the phone while she is asleep.
she is going out tonite to hang with "friends"
is it OK to say that her going out is tearing me up but that is her chioce?.
plan not to call her at work today.
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would you think giving her a rose as she goes out as too "wussy?"
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her sister is really pis*** at the whole situation and is actually urging me to go plan B and slap her silly by going incognito.
told her my plan B day will be Jan.20 5 days after my son birthday.
her birthday is Sept.16
i was planning to throw a massive surprise birthday party.
involving her co-workers at an itialian restaraunt.
Ms. W input.
how do you handle roller coaster emotions?
Is it a good thing NOT calling her today.
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Ms. W
was part of the SOP not making love to H for awhile?
This is so damn frustrating!!!!
I burn with desire and she wants to probably cheat.
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nc007...
Go back and read The Carrot and The Stick of Plan A...
It is okay to tell her that her that cheating on you is unacceptable behavior(going out with OM tonight)...Make it a statement of fact...no yelling...just matter of fact...
I wouldn't give her the rose...it won't be well received, unfortunately...
On sexual fulfillment, that is different for everyone-some do, some don't...Mr. W and I did continue SF...If this does happen in your case, be sure that you take precautions, because many times WSes do not use protection (I did)...You don't want to end up with an STD...
About Plan B...It obviously follows Plan A...A complete Plan A, which includes exposure, and meeting all of her needs that you can...You haven't completed Plan A, so Plan B is not an option right now...Plan B is an ACTION taken by you, for you, it is NOT a REACTION to something done by your WW...Let's wait and cross that bridge when we come to it, k?
Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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nc007...
Here is the list of "DOs and DONTs" that Mr. W kept in his wallet during my affair...He reviewed them each day during that time...Print it out...Hope it may help keep you somewhat sane during this very trying time...
DOs
1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)
DON'Ts
1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP
Many Blessings,
Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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