nc007...

Ah yes, you are in our prayers, indeed...I'm sorry to hear about your test...I am confident that your second time will be the charm...Onward and upward...

Hey, you are getting good at recognizing her fogspeak...She married you to make you happy? YEAH RIGHT!!! NOBODY IS THAT UNSELFISH...ESPECIALLY A WW!!! LOL...Honestly, nc007 if all this wasn't so sad, some of the things said by WSes would be REALLY funny...I'm glad that you are able to hear how ridiculous that sounded...It is completely UNTRUE!!!

I asked Mr. W to post to you, because since I am a FWW I have been plan Aed, but I have never Plan Aed, a distinct difference...In my opinion, Mr. W did a wonderful job with Plan A, and I also know him to be a very intelligent and reasonable man...I think that his post to you was EXCELLENT...I hope that you will read it a few times...It contains much insight...Naturally, I realize that I am a bit biased where he is concerned...lol...But I believe that he has helped many here and that you will benefit from his advice...

Prayers and Blessings,

Mrs. W

well we are looking after puppies and preparing our son for school in September. so it might buy me a few weeks.

she probably have been deeply convicted by what her son said "wanting to be with daddy".

i will be praying that she stays earnestly.

should i take some comfort that she held my hands in the night for the first time in three months?

Hey and "mini mom"? I'm gonna choose to take that as a compliment, because I know that's how you meant it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> But I just wanted to point out that my daughter is only a year older than your son...And Mr. W and I will be married for 9 years...TOMORROW, as a matter of fact...Though I do realize that you may have married younger than us...I'm only 37 nc007...How old are you? Your Mom, indeed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

It certainly isn't a bad thing nc007...WWes are in conflict during all of this...The more you Plan A the greater that conflict, because it really forces them to look at the ridiculousness of some of their rationalizations and justifications...Just be loving without seeming needy or desperate...That is one tough place to be I'm sure...But it does sound like you are doing well...

What steps are you taking towards finding out how to reach OM's girlfriend...I hate to harp on you, but I KNOW that is what will help you greatly...Can you give me some detail about what you are doing on that front?

Mrs. W

you're the same age as my wife and i am 35. mini-mon should have probably been odler sister.

anyway whats with this hand holding thing last night?

why now?

was it because she saw how to "be free" or was it first true signs of emotions?

i always was a child at heart and i need to grow up (trust me this has made me grow up real fast).

what my next course of action. besides expose. i am working on it already.

how could she want me to come over to her "friend and say hi on Saturday? was she MAD?"

She felt that we would be better friends than married. (yes it rip my heart out. where do you guys come up with these things?)

what should be my boundaries? i want to understand FIRM but GENTLE......

think i need to understand this. anyone?

the OM home number is not listed.the only number i got was his cellular. because we only use prepaid cells. we dont have listed bills because my family dont use landlines.

nc007...

I explained her conflicted feelings to you in my previous post...We probably cross posted and you missed it...

Go back and read Mr. W's post to you again about this friendship thing...If there is something that you don't understand, please ask...He's an attorney and often writes like one...LOL...I believe his post to you covered the friendship thing really well, unless we are misunderstanding your question...You are talking about you and she being friends, right? She isn't trying to get you to become friends with OM is she? Although, that is not unheard of around here...sigh...

Mrs. W

I'll put out my feelers about how to find someone in Jamaica and see what I come up with, k?

Mrs. W

ok forgot to add...........she ask last night where i got councilling from. (wouldnt she like to know.lol)

i told her about some local places she could try here.

she asked about payment (try picture me keeping in a giggle knowing about you guys as my private support)

told her do it through her office.

she said if i am crazy then every one would know she visited a shrink.

so i advised her about getting an advance and use it.

i dont have a clue where her head space was why we had this conversation.

oh yes...i let her kiss me on the cheek this morning. probably a ritual- in reverse

i feel really blessed and supported immensely by all of you here. truly never give up giving advice to the hurting and needy. So that as we become strong..we will join the battle to be wiser and more loving spouses.

sorry to go off on a tangent like that.....yes she spoke of us (WW and me) being friends.

the incident saturday. she thought that i would have come out of the car and go across to the van in which they were sitting in and said "hi"(insert mickey mouse greeting here) to him and take her into the car.

to me that was cutting off my..you know.and handing them to him.

couldnt let that happen...hence the argument saturday.

wish this was instant messenging because i tried to get you all before the argument.

anyway God knows why.

nc007:

It is my firm belief that As thrive and Ms fall apart because most of us believe that other people can make us happy, and that love is a feeling.

There is indeed a form of happiness that one can get, seemingly from another person. It's a very powerful emotion that most people confuse as "true love" or finding their soulmates and stuff, but it is not love.

Real love, the choice, can certainly provide a wonderful environment 2 share the in-love feeling, however. And it's that that I think the Harley methods are best designed to achieve at the end of the post-infidelity recovery process.

The best marriages are between 2 people who are complete and emotionally healthy BEFORE marriage, and who then choose 2 SHARE their happiness with one another. David Schnarch (author of "Passionate Marriage") calls this "differentiation", whereas the need-based kind of relationship he calls "emotional fusion". It's a good book, though a rather complicated read at times.

-ol' 2long

The best marriages are between 2 people who are complete and emotionally healthy BEFORE marriage, and who then choose 2 SHARE their happiness with one another.


THIS IS WHY WE GOT MARRIED thanks for reminding me. got lost looking for that feeling from her. Its all about choice.

why all of a sudden i am feeling very low. i feel like a crack addict. looking at the fact that my love (WW) is going astray.

Outside i smile inside i pray.
I cry. torrents of tears that cant be seen but holds memories of wonderful past dreams.

What of my future my hopes , my child.

will he ever experience the same joy i had in life?

why do i need her touch.

her hug, her hold.

why do i need my friend?


i am rambling again.

nc007:

Give some thought 2 having a Dr prescribe you some anti-depressants during this period of time.

They can help you level off those rollercoaster lows when you need most 2 be able 2 think clearly for applying the MB plans and for taking tests, working efficiently, ...basically living life.

I was just thinking about what you said about when you got married. When I think back (a LONG way back!), I realize also that we were pretty healthy individuals emotionally before we got M'd even considering some of the things that were going on in our families at the time (My W's father was an alcoholic). So what happened 2 us over the years? I think that complacency and attachment grew 2gether, and in not so healthy a direction. Such that, when I learned about the A, I was devastated as much as I was.

If I hadn't been attached the way I was, I would have not been hurt as much as I was - perhaps at least not 2 the degree I was pretty much unable 2 function for months afterward, that is.

Something that 2k me a long time 2 learn here was that it's good 2 WANT 2 continue 2 be with my W, so long as i don't NEED 2 be with her... ...because she has a mind of her own and (obviously) was capable of making choices 2 be intimate with someone else in secret - which hurt because I grew 2 think I couldn't live without her.

Now that I know that I can, I'm much more at peace. And so is she, lately, because she realizes now that I don't "own her." I never did. Never really wanted 2, either (but it's taken a long time for her 2 be convinced of that, and not by me but by her own ruminating over the issue).

With time, we're growing closer 2gether, 2. It's taking us longer than most (including yourself, hopefully) because the A lasted so long - so the "inappropriate attachment" is more ingrained.

I'm rambling! What were we on about? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

Great Post 2long! I agree nc007, make an appointment with your doc as soon as you can, k?

Continuing along a similar vein with 2long...There was a point last summer when Mr. W began to think...he didn't vocalize this to me...but he thought, well, this may be this last time that we have together as a family, and I am going to make the best of it-His boundary at that time? "I refuse to be in a loveless marriage"...All the while he was making plans as to how his life was going to continue without me...He KNEW that it would...Mr. W has always been a very confident man...Sure, my affair threw him for a loop-UNDERSTANDABLE-But he knew that no matter what, it was all part of his life experience and that whatever happened he would be okay...During the "Loop" stage, I viewed him as clingy, needy almost desperate-I'm very embarrassed to tell you that, but it was true of wayward me, so I'm telling you...As soon as he was able to regain his composure, and know that he would be okay, was when I started to come around...His behavior did affect mine in that way...He was confident again...THAT is attractive...It just is...I began to follow his lead...

Now, nc007, this was AFTER my affair was over, so this does not mean that you don't need to expose, because that is NECESSARY...I've got my feelers out to see what I can come up with about finding someone in Jamaica, I'll keep you posted...

nc007...Please know that no matter what happens here, YOU will be OKAY...In fact, YOU will be just GREAT!!!

Mrs. W

2long you are a HOOT. in that short "rambling " there is hope and insight.

she talks about thinking if i owned her (?) told her no.

she asked if i am letting the cage door of marriage open so she can be free. (INSERT MASSIVE HURT HERE)

i told her that i will always love her, but her going would have to be her choice, not mine.

i am so scared for my son. i am scared for my heart also.

maybe i think i cant live W/o her.

so i can relate to you a bit.

i only want the chance to show her that i can change but now i am so scared that i might frighten her away.

My co-workers know something is not right with me (could it be the 15-20 lbs i lost hmmmmm)

anyway you guys keep me stable daily.

please do not think it selfish when i say pray for me and my wife.

i really do believe in her.

i am sorry but i do love her ....inspite of .

Ms.W thank you. i luv u guys.

i am going to get some anti depressants this weeks.

will check my doctor.

will try to get a life.