Dear Bob.... take your emotional hat off for a second....

Think about this.....

Do you know what the majority of WW's say was the BIG DEAL that made the OM so attractive?

It is usually "the long heart-to-heart conversations"...

The validation of her feelings....

Most of the time, this is the catalyst that allowed the W to fall into the WW trap. She has a huge need to TALK and be HEARD by a WILLING listener.

NOT to have her faults pointed out to her.
Not to have her problems "solved" by the listener.
Not to be "fixed" by the listener...

But to have her voice .... to speak openly and be heard .....

I think this may be a missing piece to your Plan A.

Have you listened to your wife enough?
Even if it's tripe in your mind, have your ears been open?

When your WW looks at you today, does she see a man who will listen and a man who will not judge?

Do you know the number ONE hurdle to recovery that WW's complain of the most?
"I don't trust him to be there (emotionally) for me"

I bet you 100$ US that the affair sex was "just OK" but the conversations were like "WOW" for your WW.

Start putting yourself into the sympathetic listener role.

Just do it.

Don't complain about it.

This is likely the missing piece.

We all agree the affair is about to crash and burn.... and if you are already sitting in the "understanding listener" chair, you are waaaaay ahead of most BH when recovery begins.

If we asked your wife if she'd rather have another bunch of roses from you or have your sympathetic listening to validate her... you know what her answer would be, don'cha?

If she strayed .... it was for a reason. Her weakness was what? She needs to be heard.

So, ask her this tonight...

"Can I just be your friend tonight. Lets just talk as friends."

Then ask another question later on...

"If you could have your dream come true, what would it be?"

Then listen and do not question her answer. Accept her answer "as is". If it is something like "To be married to OM"

Say: " Is there more you dream about?"

Get her talking about her inner workings. her hopes, her dreams, her hidden desires for what she's like to try in the future.

You know what intimacy looks like ... it is sharing secrets of the soul.

Pep


Begin to position yourself as the sympathetic listening understanding strong rock of a man for your wife to lean against when her heart crashes.

YOU become the safe place to fall apart for her.

Pep


And if the conversation "as friends" goes like this....

WW says ... "You NEVER blah blah blah, vile accusation, wildly rewritten history, blah blah blah, foggese"

Bob response..."I can see how much you hurt right now. Is there something I can do for you right now?"

WW gets more enraged, looking for a fight.... "You are a selfish prikk and always were."

Bob stays focused on his purpose..."I know I have been selfish. I wish I could go back and change things. What things would you go back and change?"

(get her refocused on HERSELF and HER feelings.... she needs to open up to you .... as much as it hurts your ears... this is called INTIMACY .....

Accept her current feeling as real (validate)

BOB .... what she is looking for in you ....

You see her as a beautiful desirable interesting woman.

So, say these things if the conversation allows....

"You are a complicated fascinating woman. I can't take my eyes off you."

Go where the OM cannot go right now.

Fill that need.

She is screaming with her needs.

"Validate me. Tell me I matter. Tell me I am desirable. Tell me I can be loved in this place for who I am"

Pep

And.....

If the conversation gets too painful for you .....

Hold out your hand and GENTLY SAY ... "Please stop for a minute"

Close your eyes, breathe slowly.... let tears flow if they will...

Then, when you are ready, say ... "This is difficult to hear because it hurts. But I need this conversation, I want to know the real you. Please continue, but I might need to halt for a breath now and then, it is very painful to hear. Please, let's continue"

Pep

And.... if she stabs you through the heart with her words...

You will likely feel a flash of *anger*

recognige your anger as the only voice your hurt knows right now....

If you become angry.....

Do this:

"Please stop for a minute. What you said really, really hurts.

I need a hug. Please hug me right now. I am hurting so."

Then, allow your hurt a new voice.... reject the angry voice.

Ask for her help if you become angry.

"I feel angry because I feel hurt. Please help me get rid of my anger by embracing my hurt with me in a hug."


Pep

Emotional intimacy looks like this....

sharing
listening
sharing
listening
sharing
listening

Then, usually .... touch follows.

Pep


Bob....

They way to win her heart back is through YOUR emotional vulnerability.

Open up emotionally, right now you are too closed off, and this makes you unattractive to your WW.

You are behind your wall, trying to be safe. She is behind her wall , lobbing grenades at your wall.

Walk out into the open.

The affair is over..... or nearly over.

Time to change the marital paradigm.

You go first.

Show her YOUR wounds .... ask to see hers.

Hug
Cry
Talk

Pep


If you do this to the best of your ability and with your greatest HUMILITY ....

I doubt you'll need a Plan B in December.

You are in good position to step right up to meeting your WW's greatest intimate conversational needs.... coz OM is "busy elsewhere".

If you don't try.... then you are not willing to REALLY Plan A.

This is a "giver" opportunity.... take it!

Pep

Bob.... lead with your humility

Pray for a humble heart and a soft mouth when you interact with your wife....

I sense an increasing level of your desire to control the affair outcome in your posts...

What you can do is confront your own weaknesses, and change them.

Pray for humility .... ask God to give you the ability to be gentle with your WW and meet her needs with a gladness you currently do not have.

Give your hurt a voice, and speak to your wife about your wounds.

Pep

Bob, I just read something that "Faithinme" wrote....

Here it is


the power of love

Do you believe in the power of love Bob?

Tell us, what you can accomplish in your life using the "power of love"....

Tell us about the power of your love for your wife.... what does it look like right now? What form does it take? What words does it speak? What wounds does it gently touch?

Write to us about the power of love in Bob-ville...

Pep

Thanks Pep. UR right I want to smash the A into the ground, but I need to make sure that I am in a place to reclaim my Ws love when it DOES smash.

I just massaged her feet ( I bet OM doesn't know she love sthat) An dI looked into her eyes and said " You know, I have never known hurt like this before, yet I still love you. And y'know what else ? Part of that hurt is because I know YOU are hurting. Don't shut me out darl', Whatever happens, I don't want you to hurt. Can we talk about how we can not hurt?"

Then my DD came in. We're out for a family dinner 2night. I hope it will be nice.

Thanks Pep. ice broken

Not true Bob.

She's hurting you with her hurt. There is no real joy in this for her.

You are not seeing her clearly.

She is like a wounded animal, who will scratch and snarl, and even bite if you approach it to try and tend the wound.

Let go of the wrong notion that she is enjoying hurting you. It is simply not true. That's your defensive wall talking.

Come out.

Pep

My WW was dying to talk. Not open heartedly, not yet, but dying to.

I broke the ice by getting some details about her katate club from her.

It led to other honest talk,me mostly listening, and me very wounded by some of her words.

In my interpretation there is no A now, except in the fainting hopes of my WW. I learned that for certain tonight.

She is scared. She is embarassed. She is disappointed, she is desperate. She is confused, she feels let down dreadfully by life and OM, nd she is covering it all with a front of cartoon confidence and aggression.

We talked tonight, after your advice more than anytime sice since d-day. It was the first of many humbling, loving, tearful discussions I hope.

We will not need plan B I do not think. WW is smashed but is fearful that I may wreak vengeance upon her for her 'sin' against me if she returns to me for practical reasons. She is in fear of this - it is why she scours my mail and PC - she fears I will steal the kids and wreak some havic upon her.
She also fears I will never trust her again, and although she knows doesn't deserve trust she cannot live beholden to anyone, even me. This scares her too.

She knows that contact with OM is bad but she can't help it right now. She wanst to know where she stands, why he has gone dark, how can she help him recover from his tragedy. She is hurt that he is not returning her calls. She is hurt that she cannot help him.

My poor WW is crumbling like a shop front in an earthqauake. Today has been bad for her. Very bad.

I didn;t know what to say but my heart went out to her - I just held her tight, first time in weeks, and told her that I care as much for her now as when I first fell in love with her 22 years ago. I said that our care for each other has overcome many problems in the past and I had faith that it could do so again. She became upset and backed off, so we watched a movie. Still watching a movie. Daredevil. [email]Cr@ap[/email]

A huge evening in the progress of our recovery I think. Dear God. Yes.

pep, you were right. We have pulled a cork. It was hard to hear some of that tonight, but it was a start. There will be more.

She already asked ME to a Karate demonstration tomorrow. First time she has asked me to a sport event in years.

Poor girl. If i suspected my $LB was empty for her I was wrong. I would kill for or die for her tonight. She is the woman God gave me for life. I am her man for ever. No jerk OM could ever change that.

I am no longer out of gas. I can walk this path, all of it.

* tears *

Back to Daredevil

Bob, listen carefully....

Next step ... when timing is appropriate...

Ask your W

Bob: "I need a favor (favour)"

WW: "What?" (eyeing you suspiciously)

Bob: "I would like for us to hold hands and to pray together."

Then keep asking if she has the time to do this favor for you .... Request until she does this favor for you .... keep asking "Do you have time to pray with me now?"

Eventualy, she will do this. She aches to get back in touch with God. THIS is one of her wounds. THIS is also one of her needs OM could not meet.... as he was in sin with her.

BOB! In your prayer, ask God to humble your heart. Say this prayer aloud to God in your WW's presence.

"God, I ask you to humble me in my pridefulness. I pray for your Grace, your guidance, and your mercy."

Then tell me what happends next.

Pep XOXO

should i go out again today? should i play with DS? do i try to talk to wife now?