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T/J: Go Katie Mae ....... You ROCK !! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Back to you 2Be. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />
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MrsW, TIME. I was not able to send the letter due to having company recently. This TIME allowed my H and I to discuss this further. It was then, that I realized I did not have my H's "enthusiastic" agreement, or any agreement at all from him. He was the one waivering and thus the cause of further discussions. Why doesn't your husband wish for OMW to know the truth? What reasons does he give you? Mrs. W MrsW...there are many reasons why he feels this way. This is not a discussion I wish to throw around on here. Then why is the title of your thread "An update and a discussion please"...Perhaps you should change the title to "Please Help Me Justify Not Telling My Victim the Truth"... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Pep, do you feel it's the "right thing" to do something against your spouse's "enthusiastic agreement" or even "no agreement"? [color:"red"]YES! [/color] if it is an issue of moralityIf my husband asked me to lie/harm/cheat another human being in order for him/us to save face/embarrasment/position ~~~> I'd lose respect for myself as well as respect for him. Pep
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MrsW, this is AN UPDATE and A DISCUSSION. In short, I'd tell her what happened, but discuss it with your husband first and do it only with his enthusiastic agreement. If you are a Dr. Harley advocate, what part of his statement do you not agree with? Discuss with me please. This is a discussion and I do not wish to have arguments. Thank you. In your follow up email to Dr. Harley did you make him aware that OM contacted you as recently as May, was it? I believe that to be VERY pertinent information... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Confessing to another human being that I was personally instrumental in causing him/her harm is an issue of MY MORAL character ...
The intent/purpose of POJA is to create a mutually satisfying marriage environment
The intent/purpose of POJA is NOT to escape our own moral obligations to others we may have harmed.
Pep
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MrsW, this is AN UPDATE and A DISCUSSION. In short, I'd tell her what happened, but discuss it with your husband first and do it only with his enthusiastic agreement. If you are a Dr. Harley advocate, what part of his statement do you not agree with? Discuss with me please. This is a discussion and I do not wish to have arguments. Thank you. The problem is 2B is that what you want discussed is all the reasons why the right thing should not be done... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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MrsW, If you are a Dr. Harley advocate, what part of his statement do you not agree with? I don't believe that Dr. Harley has all the FACTS pertaining to your case 2B...I truly believe that if he were counseling you specifically his answer would differ... Further, I don't isolate just his one sentence as you seem to be doing...I think he is stating what is ideal...Not what is absolute... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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I've got to admit that what seems to me as the key in here is 2BN's H's ENTHUSIASTIC agreemant.
Most of us here on this site would ENTHUSIASTICALLY AGREE to expose to OMW.
But I also have to admit this...if somehow today I found out that my wife's OM was married...would I ENTHUSIASTICALLY agree to contacting his W?
I don't know. The affair IS two years over in our case. Would I want to risk the CHANCE of OM contacting my wife again? Would I want to risk my marriage (if NC was broken) to inform her? So if OMW confronts OM, and OM decides to contact my wife to "discuss" the situation... Think about it. We ALL want to believe that our FWS's would do the right thing...but we all know that NC is supposed to be forever for a REASON...and bringing this all up after two years WOULD risk NC being broken again.
I'm not sure what I would do if I were 2BN's H.
Now...right after D-day? No coubts in my mind. But 2 years later, after 2 years of working through the issues...would I honestly want to risk my marriage based on that? I don't know...
I expect some flames from this post...and I apologize if I offend. Simply voicing my thoughts on the subject.
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I take full ownership of my moral compass
I might ask my husband for his input
however, if he wanted me to LOWER my personal moral standards in order to serve himself
I'd seriously have to re-think our marriage
I could not admire and respect a man I was married to if he showed himself to be a moral coward
Which is why, I had ~him~ confess to OW's husband
~~~> face to face <~~~
THAT was one of the "high value" actions he made in recovery
Which is why I adore/admire/love/respect and generally kiss his [censored] today!
Pep
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Pep, Where did Dr. Harley say this?
Quote:
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The intent/purpose of POJA is NOT to escape our own moral obligations to others we may have harmed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Please tell me this is a joke! You really think it is okay to dismiss your moral obligation just because you interpret what a counselor says to fit your perspective. Dr. Harley could tell me that a spouse should never know and I would still follow my conscience! Yet, in fact he said... they should always be told... and I feel it is your duty to see that it happens... even if you need to convince your H. Moral abligations are the most important things in our life...even above M....and if that was kept in mind in the first place... there would be no reason for this board. KM... I am so very proud of you.
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~~~ not to mention
why I trust my husband TODAY
to do the right thing
not the "comfortable" thing
Pep
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Pep, Where did Dr. Harley say this? The intent/purpose of POJA is NOT to escape our own moral obligations to others we may have harmed. seriously, you might want to re-phrase this question because as stated it probably does not reflect your true value system ! Pep
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