I don't agree with YOU and YOUR HUSBAND being MORAL COWARDS and NOT PROTECTING YOUR MARRIAGE at all costs...Plain and Simple...And I don't applaud the generalization of your email...I see that you did that to make certain that you got a fuzzy generalized answer that would suit what you aren't willing to do...TELL YOUR VICTIM THE TRUTH!!!

Mrs. W

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> likewise

Pep

Post deleted by 2Bnormal

Thanks for your understanding MEDC… I had all those discussions (you’ve mentioned above) with my H and he understands my feelings and concerns. However, I also understand his concerns/feelings on this either. The greatest concern is that OM is the type of person who WILL make a court case against me and/or my H for an attempt to “break up his M”…especially since we have NO solid PROOF of an EA (I didn’t kept the e-mails except the doc I still have in Word which will not serve as solid proof since anyone can edit the contents of such document). And because of my H’s current unemployment (for more than 2,5 years now) and his Unfair Dismissal court case which is still ongoing, we can’t take the risk of further financial stress etc. at this stage.

The reason we know the OM will make a court case is because previously, he has made two court cases against his line manager. He did this just because he resented the circumstances in his work place and felt unfairly treated for some reasons. In the end he lost both cases (he know beforehand his cases were not good) but it appeared he had gone through with those two cases anyway to frustrate his line-manager and to “make a point”.

That’s why I was originally thinking of an anonymous letter in stead but my H said such can be tracked down too (fingerprints etc.) Thereafter I have spoken to a friend of mine (she is a BW and used to post on MB - living in the same country than me – I still have regular contact with her). I’ve asked her to read my threads and she offered to help and assist us (by sending OMW an anonymous letter from her town) should me and my H ever decide to make use of her offer. I’ve mentioned this to my H and he said he will keep it in mind in case it becomes necessary in future.

So far the OM has not tried to pursue me again since I’ve send him the NC-letter in June.

Your actions are backing my opinion...making it FACT...

Mrs. W

Post deleted by 2Bnormal

Post deleted by 2Bnormal

2B...

This is laughable...

BECAUSE...

What you want is for us to agree about a generalized answer to a generalized question which you will then apply to your own specific situation, which is NOT a valid way to come to a conclusion here...

Good Luck With That...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

2BN-

My thoughts.

You're not going to get enthusiastic agreemant here either. Everyone can and will read your situation, and DR Harley's response, and focus on what portions of it apply to their opinions of it.

You could pick apart his comments to pull out arguments either way.

The bottom line is that you need to make your choice, do it, and have a plan on how to handle the results of that choice with all parties involved.

You've got all the input you need to make your choice...now all you need is a plan of action for implementing and dealing with it.

So....decide what's morally right in your case, and take action.

Debating what Dr Harley REALLY meant, or what he would have meant had you phrased it differently is pointless. Time to DO...

Note: I'm not steering you one way or another...that's YOUR choice. I'm just trying to help you get it done.

2BNormal, I'm sorry about all the "attackts" you need to endure just because you have send Dr Harley's reponse and want to have a discussion about it... I'm also sorry and sad about all the assumptions and accusations which are going your way. I know how it feels... This is truly ridiculous.

2BN, I beleive your intentions with this thread is/was pure. I know you to be a sincere, truthfull woman who wants to do the rigt thing.

(((HUGS)))

i disagree. I think that his opinion on that, is him simply being consistent with the policy of joint agreement.
That whole policy, is that EVERYTHING of consequence that you do, should be "enthusiastically agreed to" with your spouse, or not done.

This is certainly something of consequence.

Here's a comparison. Lets say that you felt just terrible about the hurricane Katrina victims. you felt that it was a moral imperative to donate $1000 to hurricane relief victims fund. Your husband did not agree with this. You decide to do it anyway.

Yes, what you did was a "morally good" thing for those other people. but it is still bad for your marriage. The same applies. except that if you do this without "complete"(rather than "enthusiastic" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> agreement from your husband... you are doing something reallybad for your marriage.

yeah, there's also the "I want to protect myself, by getting an ally in keeping them apart" angle. But if your husband is keeping 100% faithful, then this is something you yourself dont need.

Yes I personally think it would be a good thing to tell the OP's spouse. but I also know that it will do some amount of direct damage to your relationship with your husband, if he does not completely agree with the action.

Post deleted by 2Bnormal

So 2B, are we to conclude from this that you and your husband have made your final decision not to tell OMW?

Mrs. W

My goodness .......what a topic heh?

Owl,
Guess my problem with the Spouse having to AGREE (whole heartedly) ...is the FACT that the Vast Majority of WS's Never WANT to be Exposed Under any Conditions .

But that doesn't mean they shouldn't be.

Only that they are (most) going to be resistant AT ANY Point in time.

I mean lets face it .......reality is --- my W Never wanted even *ME* to know ......let alone anyone else.
So lets perhaps get REAL when we speak of a spouse needing enthusiastic support for this decision.

Unfortunately,
To them there is Never a good enough reason .....and the Rationalizations that let them do what they did in the first place, will continue UNTIL someone with a less baggaged perspective steps in.

I realize that this isn't exactly Your case 2Be.
However,
others are bringing in other scenarios and I wanted to respond to them.

But that isn't to say BS's can't fall victim to the same type of "fearful" mentality.
We Actually see it ON here everyday.

I mean we have many BS's that don't want to Expose even while the A is going Hot and heavy.
Doesn't make it any less NEEDED though.
Just that they are Understandably afraid.

So,
its really not that surprising that there would be the same type of reluctance when the A is past.
Unfortunately,
the same arguments are used whether the A is past or present.
(what if, what if , what if .....)
Fear is what freezes them into InAction.

IMO exposure (to only OPS) trumps POJA .......because your dealing with an EQUAL victim of the same crime.
As Harley stated...
its ALWAYS recommended & wouldn't YOU WANT to know?
Again,
those 2 points say enough to sway the argument.

We Do have obligations and responsibilities to others .....so Please don't fall into the totally WS perspective/mindset of Being selfish and it being ALL about Yourselves.
There are OTHER people involved .......IT Ain't Just ALL about US!

Aside:
True FWS recognize that it was this selfishness attitude that allowed them to stray .......and Take Actions to make amends for such (in their NEW Awakening).
****************
Suzet,
my problem with your Hurricane example is that it leaves out a Key factor.
That is in your situation your going against your S, to deal with total strangers.
In the case of infidelity,
we are ALL Connected in this messed up rectangle of the A.
Hence,
we do have some responsibilities and obligations towards the Other Injured parties.
Yes,
perhaps I AM too FAIR minded and based.
But I'd WANT to have them Do for ME , that which would HELP me and Mine.
How can I advise others to NOT do .......that which I'd want done for ME???

I have to be consistent.
The OPS is as much a victim and innocent as I WAS.

She deserves assistance as Greatly as myself.
We are ON the same side and need to act as such.
Fact:
My W harmed HER M. (hard as that is to admit sometimes)
I owe her that much.

The idea that its simply Luck (like the lottery) about which BS finds out first (and the OTHER BS is simply SOL ) just doesn't sit right with me and Never will.

**************
2Be:
I'm still Thankful that you've at least put the issue on the table (and ARE still considering it) ...instead of just dismissing it out of Hand. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I take that as a good sign.
Maybe your H's timetable just needs to catch up with yours.

But at least the discussion seems to still be there ...as oppossed to just shelving it totally.

2b,

I think Harleys response to your inquiry is relative to the well being of YOUR marriage. The way you posed the question to him infers (what would be best for MY marriage?).

In other words...yes, the OP's spouse has a right to know but, perhaps, NOT at the expense of the well being of your own marriage. Hence, he responds "only" with your spouses enthusiastic agreement.

If you had asked what would be best for OP's marriage...well, that answer is in his response also.

Moral obligations aside, Harleys answer is a Marriage Builders response for YOUR marriage.

Suzet... this characterization of others words here is only going to flame the situation. Do you feel that you are acting in direct opposition to your own words... that you do not advocate people not telling the OM W??? It seems that you are enabling her bahavior... does she have the extenuating circumstances that you feel are important in your case... NO. Did she take Harley's words and IGNORE the ALWAYS and golden rule points he made... YES.

For those of you that feel that if enough time has passed since the A that exposure is not important... I will tell you that is two years that the OMW has lived in the shadow of 2B's assault on her M. That is 2 years that have passed when she has been robbed... both by 2B and her H of the right to make informed decisions about her life.

I do not feel 2B's motives here were pure. She was looking for a reason to shirk her moral obligations to the OMW...and it appears as though she has twisted things in such a way to find that excuse. What is the right thing to do... vs... what is the convenient thing to do. I am a true believer in what goes around comes around... and maybe one day (and I hope you never have to endure this) those of you that feel that it was okay to deceive and hurt another person without apology will feel that sting yourself. Hopefully that lesson will be learned without such a trial in your lives. 2B you would want to know. You have no excuse for not following the "Golden Rule."
I pray you reconsider your position.

MEDC, please read this post I’ve send you earlier on this thread. I think you’ve missed it.

And 2B... since you seem to have no problem lying to the OMW (by omission), forgive me if I do not take your word on Harley's response. I will send to him the following question...

There seems to be a debate about the moral obligation to inform the other persons spouse of the affair. You have advocated that the spouse should always be told. If the BS and FWS cannot agree on exposure and apology to the OPS how does this fit in with the POJA? If I feel a moral obligation to the OMP, how is that handled since I know I harmed him/her? I would want to be told if this happened to me... should the Golden Rule apply here???

I think it's what you would want someone to tell you if your husband had an affair.

This comment was about as far as Harley delved into moral obligations or Golden Rule. To my knowledge does not teach or counsel moral obligations or golden rule, he teaches marriage building concepts.

His comment is a general thought...a bit of his own personal value system. Your own values may differ therefore, he does not impose HIS values upon you. Your values and morals are your own.

Suzet, I saw that post... specifically, why do yo think I missed it?


So, how do you send an email to the doctor?