"It was just like by having got married he had done all that he was supposed to."

I can sure relate to that. It is EXACTLY what happened to me, and I am the BS. As soon as we married, my husband acted like that was that, and now he had better things to do.

Mrs Sundog,

Please forgive me if you thought I was minimising his behaviour - from your description it sounds terrible. Unfortunately though, still not a justification for an affair. Possibly also rewriting of marital history as well.

The key issue is Mrs Sundog - where do you want to go from here? If you want your marriage, you will have consequences related to your affair - like your work situation. But on the upside - how is your marriage going now? Have you both done the EN survey and started on concentrating on being the greatest source of each others happiness or are you still back where you describe in your post?

She is correct, WorthATry and Kahuna. This is how I was, even before our son was born. I will not try to diminish her representation of my behaviour. It was wrong and I've done what I can to make changes. I believe I've done pretty well.

The one thing I will say is this. I behaved this way when we dated as well. When we dated I'd often seek time to myself, to work or play on the computer and be independent. I was this way in all my relationships. She married me while I was this way. That does not excuse my treatement of her, but it does explain my expectations.

When you marry a person do you expect that they are completely different than the person that you have known? or do you expect the same person you have dated all this time? Of course, we expect the same (usually). My wife admits that she loved me, but she expected that I would change after being married to her. That I would spend more time with her, would be more attentive. Obviously that didn't happen.

I've tried in every way to become her friend now. After the realization of the affair, I did feel an awakening of sorts. A snap back into reality. I've realized that her satisfaction in a marriage is not met by the same things as mine, and I've tried to be her best friend. Her depression sometimes gets in the way, but I still always want to be there for her.

The only other thing I have a comment on is the escape instinct when our son was sick. Although I admit to doing this, I always felt guilty when I would do it. I later learned that it may be part of my coping mechanism that I learned as a child when I was molested by a family friend. I learned to escape from the situation mentally, because I was unable to physically. I don't know if this is a valid excuse, but I feel it's something that did affect me.

Once I realized this, I feel I did much better in being there for my wife and son during his latest crisis situations and transplant. We both were very supportive of each other through that and it made us much closer.

I do feel closer to my wife and son now. I feel more 'alive', you might say.

Sundog - thanks for your clarification but if I may, (and this will amuse some who know me) but this is your wife's thread. You may be better served by letting her respond as she wishes. Some good stuff will happen here. Try and stay out of the way as hard as it is for you.

Well, the classic gender roles.

Women marry men, expecting them to change; and men marry women, expecting them NOT to change.

WAT

Mrs. Sundance,

One of the toughest facts to accept with a married partner is that that person is your “PARTNER”. Your spouse is important to your emotional health and should be protected and guarded at all times. In the best relationships couples do things and act in a fashion that encourages their spouses welfare and happiness. Why do we act that way? Simple, it makes them feel better about themselves. In the best relationships conditions are such that when a spouse acts in his or hers own interests they are coincidentally acting in their partner’s interests.

When a couple builds a relationship of exclusive self interest then everyone around them, including their spouse, becomes expendable. This idea is partially explained by Harley’s “giver / taker” concept. It sounds like your marriage became one of two takers grabbing any morsel that might stroke either ego. Such conditions have a tendency to build resentment over time and lead to dangerous rationalizations regarding what each spouse means to the other.

Your husband became more concerned with his own interest then in yours or even your sons. When it became important for him to answer the bell it became apparent that he was too self absorbed in his own welfare to give a part of himself to his family. When your husband walked from your home and did not return for the evening you must naturally wonder where did he go. Where did he go? It seems from reading your post that you continue to harbor resentment regarding his actions from long ago. It would be difficult not to feel some resentment. I might suggest that this residual resentment should be dealt with and put to rest forever or it will continue to plague your chances of a fulfilling recovery. It seems to me that there is more here then meets the eye.

Consider your actions at your work place. It seems that you have engaged in dangerous activity that evolved in an intimate connection with another man. No doubt that your marriage had reached an unfulfilling state and that you somehow felt justified or entitled to seek solace outside your marriage if your husband couldn’t provide it from within. Take careful note that you NEVER gave your husband any advanced warning of your actions; you never told him the consequences of his behavior. In a very real way you became the very thing that you abhorred in your husband, a “taker” where he became expendable and collateral damage to your own interest.

So here you both are, standing at the edge of a great chasm, peering into the deep abyss. Neither wants to fall, but there are so many unresolved issues, so much baggage. Neither is fully prepared to protect the other and each is suspicious of ulterior motives. Your husband is an uncaring cad and you are a cheater.

It can take a long time to change learned behaviors. Your participation on these boards shows that your husband and your effort to seek answers is a VERY encouraging sign. You both want your marriage to work, how can something like that fail? The answer is, it won’t fail, and you will succeed.

It is in these early stages of recovery that “old dogs” are most receptive to learning new tricks. The best prescription is to create conditions where your spouse’s welfare is coincidental with your own. It is a balance of giver and taker that makes each happy and fulfilled. It is achieved through a codependence that elevates the importance of “each” to each other. Up to now, there has been significant effort to eroding “codependence” to limit potential disappointments. It was fueled through resentment and a long history of poor relationship skills. With the tools on this web site and a strong desire to build a marriage, you will arm yourself with the proper weapons to build a better marriage. Emotional needs, eliminating love busters, giver / taker will all contribute towards real improvements so long as you each keep your eye on the ball.

As a first step in this effort you might consider how to tackle the issue of your employment. Consider the reasons why this particular job is important to your life. What will happen to your well being if you never return to your job? Why does your husband feel threatened by your employment there? Are his feelings rational or is this just another example of his self-serving interests to control you? When your betrayal surfaced how did it affect your husband? How badly do you think your actions hurt him, if at all? What is your plan to convince your husband that he need not worry about you straying again? Do you think your spoken assurances should be enough or do you think you might need to do something more?

Take care to resolve this issue without building resentment. It can be accomplished if you try. Please consider some of what I have said.

Mr. G

Post deleted by Detached_Care

Mrs. Sundog,

I think there is something that you are missing and perhaps Sundog is as well. This site, your situation, and the future on your marriage rests on a very simple but often overlooked idea...blame has no place.

Anything you hear here or should here is not about blaming you NOR your H. It is about admitting the reality of the past and deciding how to make the future better. Once you and Mr. Sundog grasp this your discussions will take on a different tenor. Neither of you is without faults or failings. But the issue is "what of the future". If he can or perhaps learned to be an engaged H and father, then will he be the sort of father and H you need?

As for the work place, recall that no matter how remote OM's office is/was, you two still managed to hook up. Your H knows this. He knows that you will have some emotional attachment to the OM. Harley claims that it is not unusual for at least a small level of attachment to remain for years if not a life time, hence the strong recommendation for No Contact. Your H has read this site, and that is why he is asking for NC. It is not to punish you, nor is it about blaming you. It is about preserving and improving the marriage for you, for him, and yes your child.

So my recommendation is to step back and realize this is not about blame, it is about decisions and those need to be made based on the data of the past, the reality of today, and the hopes for the future. You do and will need to discuss the past with your H, but for EDUCATIONAL reasons not to assess blame. You do need to have no contact with OM, not for punishment,but to give your marriage its best chance of not just surviving, but thriving.

Your H needs to make changes for the same reason.

Please think about these things and realize that blame gets neither of you anywhere. Accepting ones actions, discussing the reasons for those actions and making plans to acheive what both of you want is the way to go.

God Bless,

JL

I was reading this thread and JL bet me to the punch. Sundog has posted to me before but I never really knew the story. The one question that comes to my mind from reading this thread is what do you really want? What do you love most? We are all very good at deceiving ourselves. What do you really want from your marriage?

Bump