Hi McBecca,

Well I did read the posts over in GII. That JL is real good.

I know the feeling that you need your spouse to understand and fill your needs. I understand how you can feel that it may even been "his fault". You will get over the second issue, but the first issue is a much harder and you are going to have to be patient.

As a WS myself, I took the effort to buy the books to "figure out" what was going on. I sure hope you too will make that same effort. My W at first had little interest in reading but then quickly warmed up to it.

I am SO SO with MC, the two we seen pretty much told us to give up. If I were to do MC again, it would be with the Harleys. The things I learned by reading there books really helped change my thinking. That's what also needs to happen with you, a change of thinking.

As JL pointed out, your H in his letter said so many things.
He just used few words to say it. Please stop looking for reasons to breakup or fault your H. I will grant you that he probley does lack some important skills to fill your Emotional Needs. But skills can be learned. What your H does appear to have a lot of is LOVE.

Give him a fair chance to fill your needs, help him learn the skills he needs. I suspect he will do anything, including reading "His/Her Needs" and "Surviving the Affair" if it was readaly avaliable for him to read.

He really does want to know how to make you happy so that you all can be a happy family.

TH

If you plan to remain in the m, your h will raise this child as his. Your h will be her FT father. You should encourage that, not discourage it. The OM will only be a PT dad if that. Check the laws in your state, I think you may be protected from forced c by OM. You should have never voluntarily agreed to the DNA. Is your h's name on the bc, does your child have his last name. It will be so much easier for this child, if there is no drama and the child is raised as a full part of your family.

You should be very thankful your h is even willing to consider this.

Don't make the biological link any more important than it actually is. If the OM would like to visit, be Uncle OM, send gifts etc, and no discussion of adultery issue under the child is old enough to understand, then I would say OK let him send gifts an visit occassionally.

The rest of the time dont ask your child to live under the cloud of your sin, your mistake. Dont make the child call your h by his first name---and bring attention to the fact he isnt the child's father. Deal with your mistakes privately and keep adult matters discussed among adults and let the child live a normal life.