I was thinking the same thing. We'll look back someday and realize this as a turning point in our marriage. That's the only way I can think without losing it!

She contacted her parents to get the number of a priest they recommended. Can't be a bad thing. We're going to MC on 9/18. I know it's not exactly tomorrow, but seems like she's hanging in there for the long haul.

She's having a bad day today and yesterday. Woke up really b*tchy!!! I stayed strong. She can be such a nasty person sometimes. That's just her, not just in this scenario.

We're going out later today. Probably a movie, dinner and drinks. Hopefully she'll unwind just a little bit to make it somewhat enjoyable. I can tell she's totally DREADING spending alone time with me. Almost like she's afraid of feeling something good.

I'll post updating on how our "date" went. I'm still here...

Any thoughts on conversation topics? I like to talk about our plans for the future, but this might tick her off. Should I just let her speak first and lead the conversation?

I feel like it's our first date. That feeling of excitement and nervousness and being on your best behavior, etc. I hope she likes me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Had dinner with my wife tonight. She asked if she had an affair, would I still want to stay together.

I knew what was next:

1. On her 30th birthday I went away on a fishing trip. I asked her if she minded... she said no, so i went. She went to Atlantic City with some of her friends and ended up having a threesome with her best friend and a total strange guy. She then called in on her 30th birthday and had phone sex with him. No further contact according to her.

2. She was with a guy for four months or so on four different occassions. Only oral sex.

3. She was then with another guy for 8 months. They had sex 4 or 5 times over the 8 months. This all happened over the past two years.

Since it started, we'd bought a bigger house, and a second home and now if we get divorced I'm in financial ruin.

I'm very much a family guy. This hurts me more for the kids than for me. I told her I'd like to move forward from here. She said that she doesn't have sexual feelings for me and that's why she went elsewhere.

I'm a bit disappointed in myself, but moreso in her decisions. It's like I don't even know her anymore.

Oh, and the phone calls I discussed in the beginning of my thread... she wanted to be with this guy too, but he told her she needs to address her situation and wouldn't get involved. Maybe the guy isn't half bad.

I told her Dad tonight on the phone. Her mother's mother just died and the viewings and funeral are over the next two days.

I'm staying strong, but feel totally depressed. I can't sleep right now. I just keep picturing her planning this and going behind my back without any regard for my feelings or for the good of the family.

I never thought I'd be the guy...

Oh, she said that the last guy calls occassionally, but she doesn't return his call. Well, tonight I went through all of her cell phone records and turns out SHE called HIM in February, March, April, and again in June. In June he returned her call, but the others he didn't return.

I'll be confronting this with her tomorrow... or later today, whichever way you look at it.

This sucks.

Gonna be a rough day. Gotta keep my head up for my daughter. Every time I look at my wife, I see her in my mind with other men.

Any thoughts on a Plan B at this point? When would Plan B start?

Plan B?? Read up on how the process works....you're barely working a Plan A right now. She is probably still having an affair that needs to be exposed....

"random 3 some??
"Only oral sex"

You both need to IC...badly..


Your wife is a serial cheater and needs help. You need to decide if you're willing to exert the effort of Plan A and helping her find out why she behaves as she does.

I'm not in any way downplaying oral sex... I'm not Bill Clinton after all!

I'm disappointed in what I found out last night, but still want to recover. I don't know if she just told me this to get it off of her chest or what.

She said that once she did it the first time, the other times were easier to her. That terrifies me at heart.

I don't feel the need to go to IC myself, and she and I have both been disappointed with the IC she went to thus far (two times where both just basically supported her negative feelings toward our marriage).

I've been working Plan A, but just "felt" like Plan B. I'm generally hurt by what she's told me. I can grit my teeth and keep Plan Aing it, but figured I'd get some input.

Wow, Walt, I'm so sorry to hear about what your wife has been doing. It must hurt like h3ll.

Everyone here has better advice than I do...I'm new here too, but I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.

BTW: If you're worried about your finacial situation, why not sell one of your houses?

Hang in there.

That's a great question. The problem is when we bought the second home, we planned on keeping it for the long haul, so we're HIGHLY LEVERAGED against both homes in order to afford the second. Plus capital gains and Vermont tax would crush any gains, plus we would lose all equity to realtors fees. No way to sell something 375 miles away ourselves.

I'm willing to forgive. For myself, the family, and the children. She has to be willing to change. It amazes me that she actually admitted being upset that I've made so many positive changes. Why not embrace them? Well, I guess that wouldn't support her "habit". She would have no justification anymore.

Counseling may help. I think we have a good one, problem is, it's three weeks away!!!

Well, you keep on with your self improvements. They make YOU feel better and are clearly confusing your wife's idea that a person/marriage can't change. You are living proof that anything is possible if you simply make up your mind to do it.

I'm amazed by your strength and willingness to hang in there w/ her.

Keep reading and posting here.

We spoke this morning before her grandmother's funeral. I'm beyond hurt at this point. Disgusted is a better word. I told her dad, my mother... and my mother told my father and sister. My goal with telling these people close to us is to make her feel so embarrassed and ashamed of what she's done that she can barely look these people in the eye.

At the wake last night, I got compliments from SO MANY people on my weight loss. Some people I haven't seen for years. I've lost over 100 pounds since I saw some people! One woman said "the girls must be chasing you... you're so handsome", others chimed in that my wife would beat them off and that he has only one woman. I said "yup, just one". The wife's mother laughed knowing about that's going on, but not the affairs...yet. My father-in-law will tell her soon. Didn't want to get her more upset, it was my MIL's mother who died. Anyway, I really enjoyed the attention from everyone especially in front of her.

Anyway, we talked this morning about different options of separation. She said that if she left, maybe she would realize she wanted to stay together. She said that I might not even want her back. I told her that that was a STRONG possibility at this point. I meant it.

I did have time to LISTEN to my daughter about the whole thing. She's actually very much at peace over a life without my wife in it day to day. We talk alot in general and have a very tight relationship.

The wife asked me if I still wanted to work on it. I told her that I'm a forgiving, caring person and that I would be open to recovery. She said "that sounds so pathetic after what I've done". I told her that I'm not pathetic, but I do have a strong sense of God, values, marriage, and family. I refuse to stoop to her level (for too long at one shot) and start an argument over what has already happened and I can't change.

I'll be honest, at this point, it's difficult to even look at her. She disgusts and disappoints me on so many levels.

Anyway, after the day was over, she said that she's not leaving until its "legal". I told her that I want full custody of the kids with scheduled visits with her, along with flexibility to do things whenever she has an event. I'm not going to use the kids in any way to hurt anyone, but I want them with me. I'm obviously more stable. She want's 50/50. That's rediculous to me and only hurtful to the kids. My daughter's 14 and my son is 8. I told her that I'm not going to discuss it any further until she makes some decisions, but I'm not going to compromise on this...EVER.

So, we're still going to go to counseling on the 18th. I've got another 21 pounds to lose and i will lose them methodically and in a healthy manner. I feel an unusual sense of peace now that I know the truth. Like I'm not holding on as tightly. I feel even more comfortable that I'll be fine.

I told her that if I had full custody, I would compromise on anything else. That's all I want. I'm probably going to go see a lawyer soon to know how to best protect myself and the kids.

Not sure if this is Plan A or not, all these conversations, but I feel like it's just giving myself peace in my mind and keeping love in my heart. I'm not going to let her take my soul or my dignity. I have principles and character. She used to... now, I'm not so sure.

Sorry for rambling, it's late, she just went to bed (still in the same bed), and I started thinking again...

Your thoughts are always welcome. Here's a prayer I say regularly:

"Dear Lord, you are the light of the world. Fill my mind with your peace, and my heart with your love."

I also say "Dear Lord, you are the light of the world. Fill (my wife's name)'s mind with your peace, and her heart with your love."

One of the things I realize is that until she's at peace with herself, she will not be able to make any good decisions.

She needs to let God back into her life, decide what her goals are in life, decide what's important in her life... then and only then will a clear decision be made.

So she says she's going to see a priest to get at peace with herself. She said she's going for herself, but it won't change the way she feels about me. (How does she know this?) Maybe seeing a priest will help her re-visit her values. Maybe he'll tell her to get a divorce. (I'd be surprised, but this whole thing is one big surprise after another.) What do I do while she's "getting at peace with herself"? Plan A, 180???

We're still going to counseling because according to her "it can't hurt".

What should I do? What approach should I take? I'm thinking continue working on myself and give her the space. Man, this is not easy.

"I told her that if I had full custody, I would compromise on anything else. That's all I want. I'm probably going to go see a lawyer soon to know how to best protect myself and the kids."

See an attorney sooner rather than later. It’s important. It might also help blow away a little fog.

And keep a journal. Record every WS-like statement from her and action of her.

If you want custody you need evidence of WSness over time.

And if she wants to leave, let her. It's called abandonment. Varies from state to state, but being out of the house for a month is usually the threshold.

With prayers,

How would it help blow away a little fog? Should I tell her I saw a lawyer?

I've started the journal.

Also, any insight on the input my daughter may have on who she wants to live with if it comes to a custody battle? She's 14 and VERY mature...

Wake-up call. Cake eating days are over. External consequences loom.

News Flash: Reality Bites Foggy and Self-Absorbed WS!

Seems to have this effect more often than not, even when the affair is still in heat.

But you don’t announce anything before hand. First get necessary info, get a plan. Then let her know what your plan is and what part your lawyer recommends. Especially re custody. Things like amount of CS she will be paying. Visitation. Having to sell what community property, and so on…


Don’t know about your state but here a child of 14 can declare their custody preference and the court goes along with it, unless the preference is clearly wrong (like they want to live with a convicted felon or drug addicted parent.) You need to see an attorney about this too. Just be prepared. A good attorney will help you be prepared.

With prayers,

I am here just catching up

I'm in NJ. What state are you in if you don't mind me asking...

I'm actually looking forward to speaking with an attorney at this point. I know I'll be fine no matter what, and it seems like I've got alot more going for me than I thought.

I feel (slightly) sorry for my wife and what she's considering leaving behind.

Good Lord! you are one tough fella. I am awed by your resilliance and step in protecting your family.

look there is NO WAY that this character is better than you in any way.

To have your children look up to you and for you to make the moves you are making , it shows that you are more than a man of substance.

i want to be just like you. Deep convictions and action.

i am frustrated that i cant find my WW OM contact. yet i live and pray that my plan A will eventually melt the heart of my wife.

She too have turned her back on God saying that when her time comes it comes.

All i can say to you is love and plan A. also fight for the convictions that you are willing to lay everything down on the line for.

You can do this.