A well executed Plan A will only make you stronger. Seems like your moving FORWARD regardless of the crappy situation.

Remember, if you don't change the way you're doing something, you'll always get the same result.

I am filled with excitement for the future at this point, no matter what. I have bad moments where I start to think about things waaaay too much. Spend alot of time with your daughter. It's my best therapy.

i dont want all this... but what else can i do
she has decided she wants out of the house and filed divorce papers... i have to play it out right?

i am going after my daughter thats the only fact...

she is denying the affair... hasnt gave me sex in over 6 months... always has an excuse, tired/weight issues... but I know its just an excuse...
now with her leaving, she still denies the affair... or the fact that this divorce is only happening so she can get back with him... i guess having someone leave you for dead the last time he was off his meds, and nearly burn down your apartment. and run from your kids - gets her off!!!

well thats not who i am, iam the guy who brought her up from the depths of ******...with love and passion...

ONE QUESTION!!!

"How do you drown the man, who taught you to swim"???

I've got a question. If the wife comes to me and says she sorry, wants to work on it, etc. etc.

What do I say to her? I know it will be a fragile moment if it ever happens at all.

Do I say ok, do I say I'll think about it, do I say I need to think about it but would like to discuss it sometime... seems like one can make or break the moment pretty easily with the wrong words or attitude.

i was thinking the same thing... thats funny

alot of damage done on both sides..would take alot of counceling, prayer, and alot of the other party proving they want to be somebody

Just got a call from the wife. She was pissed that I told her SIL more details about the A's. Timing, sexual activities. She said "why are you trying to take away any support I have". In reality, it's filtered information to get her the response she wants from the people around her. Now her entire family knows about the details of her actions. Her SIL called her parents crying over what she now really knew about the situation. I'm not really sorry for letting her know.

She told me to stay away from her family and that for someone trying to get back together, what I'm doing isn't working.

... which really means.... it is....

dude my wifes whole family is against her... dont feel bad, thats her only way to vent - is to go to them and bad mouth you so maybe one of them will feel sorry for her... its good that she is without that.
my wife is drawing off her old family removed by divorce... so she isnt worried about her own family... she pretty much disowns them anyways...

dont feel bad about it... I DONT

The wife has always gone to her family for safety and to get advice, etc. She went to them and they're opinions always took precedence over mine. It always pissed me off.

After further thought, I'm so glad that her whole immediate family now knows of her actions. She called her SIL painting this picture of "poor me... I'm not happy and never have been. I was so unhappy that I turned to affairs for comfort... feel sorry for me and support my decision for divorce."

Well, that got the kabash when I told about what the affairs were like, and when they took place, and her behavior with our daughter. Now that it's all revealed, the wife has a chance to change her ways. Don't know what she's thinking, but going on with Plan A. She is reaching out to our daughter (after talking with her parents). If nothing else, I'd like for her to repair that relationship in a big way.

Honestly, I'd be really surprised at this point if she went through with it. She has an appointment today with a priest. I'm curious to see how that goes, but I'll let her come to me when she feels ready. I'm hoping that he taps into the person that I know exists deep inside her. The loving mother and caring wife. Should be interesting.

Either way, it's going to be another good day!

Glad you have some hope...

My wife packed her things and cleaned out about half the house minus most of the furniture when I was at work yesterday.

My situation is unlike alot of others on here, and thats probably why very few are trying to touch it... Wife is abck with EX-HUSBAND she has not been with in over 6 years... was married to him for 6 1/2 years , with him for 10. Left a marriage of 1 yr and a half, together for 6 years.

Took my daughter to go live in a house of smoke and from what I was told drinking... she has to share a room now with 9 yr old... she is 4 so that isnt even right at all.

She called me last nigth asking if I was ok, since I didnt call her when I came home to the mess she left of my house... the walls she left bare. She took 90% of the towels, took 90% of the pots...left me only plastic plates and bowls. Took our patio furniture, all the pictures minus like 5 out of probably 30 that we had. She apparently had help, cause I found beer cans in my trash can... what a bunch of trash right???
And when she calls me I talk to my daughter and she tells me that her stuff is at this other house... man did that ever break my heart. I missed her so bad last night, not getting to give her her bath ,tuck her in or read her bedtime story.

I get her tonight, so it will be like heaven having her around. Then of course very uncomfortable having to see the wife tonight, and tomorrow when I take her back.

Well theres my update... sorry not a happier story.

My wife talked to a priest and he said that he's not totally against divorce, etc. I think that he said this mostly to bring down her defenses. If you tell her that divorce isn't an option, I think she's more reluctant to trying to work on it because then it HAS to work... versus trying to make it work and it working.

Ironically, she said that she and I read a book that helped her realize the way we got to this point. He asked what the book was and it was "His Needs, Her Needs". He thought it was an excellent book and it was sitting on the table next to her. He recommended seeing a therapist that is familiar with the book. The one I'm going to is very familiar with the book. I think she told him about the changes I've made and he told her to not discount anything I've done. He also told her to try and see me as if she met me for the first time... I think that was his way of saying to try and move forward from today and not constantly look back. She said that she didn't know if she could do that.

And FINALLY she listened to someone who said that it can't hurt to try. Everyone's been telling her this, but this guy seemed to connect.

She did get a little worked up when she said that she didn't think I would be open to divorce if it came down to it, and that I wouldn't be able to discuss arrangements for an amicable divorce. I told her that I can't make any promises just like she can't make any promises... that's the whole point of therapy! If you knew the result, you wouldn't even need to go!

Anyway, Plan A just got intensified. I think it's even more important now than ever... goodbye last 20 pounds! Hello good attitude.

wow.. i cant get a reply or word of advice

congrat walt...seems like you are doing well in my opinion

Walt,

Been following but had no advice. I have to tell you I have a similar problem with my FWW and she admits it.

Says when I say something she doesn't agree with me but if any other human on the face of the earth says it she can open up her mind.

I think it has to do with being right and wrong in our M. I don't care if I am right or wrong. I want to look at the issue and come to an understanding on how to move forward together.

Now that we are in MC and she has a better circle of influence things are going a little more smoothly.

It is great her family is not treating her like a victim. My FWW's family was and her hearing from them I was wrong even though they didn't know the extent of what happened gave my FWW backing which hurt our M and R.

I am very hopefull we can work through these issues but you should be thankful her family is not allowing her to be the victim because that is dangerous.

Good for you!!!!

Seeing the priest today helped it seems. Later in the day, I spoke with her and told her that if we try MC and she still feels the same way, that I will work with her to reach an amicable agreement on the terms of the divorce and our children. Amazing... SHE INSTANTLY DROPPED HER GUARD AND TOLD ME THAT SHE WILL STAY OPEN-MINDED TO OUR RELATIONSHIP, but in a tone that wasn't frustrated or forced. I could feel her tension slip away. She wasn't trapped anymore, and I wasn't giving ultimatums. I'm in no way saying things are solved, but implementing what I've learned here and in "Love Must Be Tough", I've been able to be in a better place and keep things from just getting out of hand.

As a matter of fact, I was "noticed" by two very attractive women this past week. I told my wife that I've had some uplifting experiences that made me see things differently. She was curious what they were and asked if they involved other women. I told her that I was told by a couple friends that there were people interested. In fact, one of them has similar interests as me. I told my wife that I have needs too, and if she is stuck in the past and just can't get over it, then divorce would happen, and that it's ok. It will give me the opportunity to meet new people who don't know me from back in my "fat" days or when I wasn't the person I've become today. She asked several questions, but had to get off the phone. I could hear the tone change in her voice. Very interesting.

Three things learned:

1. Don't try to trap a WS. They just want out even more.
2. Continue to improve yourself and good things happen.
3. These things take time. My marriage didn't get to this point overnight, it's not going to be fixed overnight.

My family staying together is still my first choice, but it's nice to know in my heart that I'll be alright if it doesn't work out... as a matter of fact, I'm starting to get as excited about it not working out as I am about it working out...

FYI: LostInFaith, you may want to start your own thread, only because I don't think people are focused on your issues in this one. I certainly don't mind the company... just a suggestion.

I just finished "Love Must be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson.

I know its not the book to ask my wife to read right now, maybe later. I'm a big, strong guy and I cried harder reading the last few chapters of the book than I have since this started. I can't really explain why, but I did.

Lord, Jesus,
You are the light of the world.
Fill my mind with your peace,
and my heart with your love.

Lord, Jesus,
You are the light of the world.
Fill my wife's mind with your peace,
and her heart with your love...

LIF,

Can you please post your own thread? We'd like to help.

thanks,
L.

Walt keep praying. stand in the Gap.Stand between your family and Satan trying to destroy yet another family.

took away my FWW family support through exposure too.

IT works. and you are right. It will take time for things to sort themselves out.

go with God.

the future is promising.

Thanks nc007...

I am putting our second home on the market this week. Here's the way I look at it. Whether we get a divorce or stay together, I want to be able to work less, and I want my wife to be able to work less as well to concentrate on being "mom" and "wife" and not "worker".

I'm also going to suggest that she change jobs so that she's not around the bad influences of her current job. The atmosphere is not very good or ethical.

What I'm enjoying most is that I'm liking the future no matter what fork I go down. Like I said, I prefer to stay together if possible, but if it doesn't work out, I have alot to look forward to.

Either way you're right, nc007... the future IS promising. I think I lost more weight. I weigh myself on Friday's now with my daughter. She's on a healthy food plan that we put together. She's not fat by a long shot, but she wants to be healthy and could lose 10-15 pounds. She's lost 3 already and she's excited and feels great.

Good. sound like your daughter respects you.Question:

Do you want to save your marriage. or at least see that she comes out of her fog?

i mean the choice is yours and your attitude sounds great.
however please be careful that you are not becoming selfrighteous. please note that i am not saying it in a negative way.........but you know what would really be cool?

To teach your daughter compassion and humility as well as strength in the convictions you have.

In the future i gurantee that she will look for someone with your character now to get married to.

Remember its your choice...........whatever you do ....co it in love........Gods standard of love.

I realized myself that i have exposed to the extent that i can. In jamaica things are a bit different.

She looks confused and withdrawn now....sometimes she starts up a flurry of conversation for a duration then shuts down again. hope she sees that i am plan Aing my behind off.

I pray that our wives both come through the fog.

I am feeling though that although i am trying to do all i can in exposing.from office to our families........i am not been taken seriously in terms of saving my M.

I look at my child's eyes and that is reason enough.

forgive me if you dont see me often. i am focused on catching up at work as well as getting with an IC to get my personal life on track.

My wife is starting to display some distinct signs of jealousy......dont know why. then of self condemnation...(i am an adultress, i am garbage etc.)

i am still just trying to plan A and meet her needs and at the same time let her know that she has a H to lean on when she comes out of her funk. Not a H that will put up with her but one that loves her for what she is on the inside.

she is talking to me alot though.

Sounds interesting. I'm also Plan Aing, but focusing on myself more than her. When I focus on her too much, she feels trapped, so I'm shifting that focus on myself.

However, I am doing things that I know she likes around the house. I'm also doing things to help out like picking up the kids from practices, wearing cologne that she likes everyday, not just when she asks me to, etc. I did alot before, but now I'm doing more... and enjoying it!

Dropping the weight for me was HUGE! I've been so fat for so long. Almost half my life I've been fat. My wife is GOURGEOUS! I still get butterflies in my stomach when she walks into the room. It hurts to know that she's feeling this way when I think about it too much.

Focusing on myself has raised my confidence level and I've been getting alot of attention from women. I filled her in on a couple women who told friends about how they found me attractive. Women that didn't know me fat. Feels good... of course, I would never act on them, but it didn't hurt to tell the wife. She started asking alot of questions about them... what they looked like, how I knew them, were they attractive, etc. I answered very calmly and said that it has helped me realize that there's life after my wife should it come down to that.

I'm only saying that to make her feel free. I don't want to trap her. I told her I'd like to go out with my buddy and a few of his friends tomorrow night. She said that's fine, but I plan on looking and smelling REALLY GOOD before leaving the house. It'll be nice to unwind, and just maybe she'll get a feeling of wondering where I am and what I'm doing... let her feel anxious about this just once. I think it's good for her to know how I must now feel when she goes out. Of course, she may not give a crap, but something tells me she's going to feel a little curious about my activities.

I hear you on not being self-righteous. I don't feel like I'm doing that. I feel like I'm experiencing the effects of Plan A on my end. Confidence, comfortable with one's self... you know?

Anyhow, I really like other peoples opinions on this. It's almost starting to be... in a weird way... fun? I feel like the wife is feeling jealous a little as well. I like that. I think it's good to feel that way... because it means that she cares.

Enough rambling... talk with you folks later.

I did this and no one commented - its ok, i am not complaining
just figured this post was getting me some replies so i continued to post here