I'm really not concerned with OM#4, but I'm watchful.

According to Plan A, I'm not supposed to talk about R or A. How do I let her know that I still love her enough to forgive her if I can't talk about our relationship? I think I'm going to do it when we both talk to the priest. I think she'll be most open to hearing this in this setting.

She still sees her best friend at work, but hasn't gone out in a while. She said that she wanted to go out and to also go away with her friends for her birthday... which inevitably leads to drunken partying. I said at first, why don't you lay off for a while... then said, that I don't care if she goes. She said, no, she's not going. I think in some weird way she's waiting for some "feeling" to come back. She's not sure how to work on that feeling, and nobody's been able to help her.

I think she initially wanted to end our marriage without admitting the affairs. She told me early on that she didn't think I would put up such a fuss. I was really shocked by this. Had I painted a picture that my marriage isn't important to me? Or maybe she just pictured an easy way out.

At any rate, this isn't going to be something that's easy for her at all. She's really hoping that I'm going to be all friendly about it so it can be so easy for her. I'm not ready to talk about holding her hand and skipping into mediation to happily dissolve our marriage and family.

Plan A sometimes confuses me, but I'm doing what I think I should be doing. Having a great day as far as diet and exercise go. I'm committed to no cheating on my diet and no missing any workouts if possible.

We have a christening on Saturday which should be interesting. I bought a new pair of pants that fit me great and I have a new shirt that I'm going to wear. Yes, I'm laying it on thick when given the opportunity.

We'll see what happens...

By the way, I'm an engineer and my mind is my worst enemy with this kind of thing. I think it to death!

What about OM#?(Dave?). Does he still work at her company? Do you have any reason to think they don't have contact there?

I ask, because I'm under the impression that Plan-A doesn't work very well *if* an affair is ongoing; the affair needs to die first.

I'm not trying to make you paranoid (all of us BSs must be somewhat), but wanting to go out partying is a little suspicious. My WW several times told lies to the point of going out to a bridal shower, or going to a party with *other women*, to cover an event where she'd go with, or meet up with an OM.

Hopefully she's ceased all contact.

I don't see how its bad to *without pressure* tell her (e.g., in a card, perhaps) that you still love her and have hope for the marriage. You can say that you know it won't be easy and may not work, but would truly like to see things be right between you again. Even better than before.

BTW, How did you lose 30 pounds in a month without amputating anything? I could stand to lose some weight.

- WG

No evidence of contact with Dave. He was a paramedic that was in and out of the hospital my wife works at. They probably see each other from time to time...not sure... I may ask.

OM#3 is the one that worries me the most because she seemed to have a thing for him for a long time before she acted on it. Once I kind of looked at her funny, she immediately said that she won't go out.

I may try a card when I feel like the time is right. Maybe I'll write her a letter that she can read when we meet with the priest.

I lost 35 pounds in 35 days. Between stress, intense double session exercise and a strict low calorie diet it just came off really fast. I've been about the same weight now for three weeks, but renewed my efforts to lose more as I've talked about above and another post.

I went to the gym and had a food plan developed for me for weight loss. It's great. I eat 6-8 times a day and 200-400 calories at a time. I had to buy ALL new clothes! Today, I'm wearing my last XXL shirt. It's way big and I'm going to give it to good-will after I wash it.

I'm going to look great on Saturday! I know that's important to her and may make her scratch her head and think about what the future COULD be like... maybe not. I'm not giving up though.

The wife just called and told me to bring home my planner so that I could get her schedule for next month. When I see the priest tomorrow, she wants me to schedule a time for the two of us to meet with him.

I guess it's better than nothing...

I pray for patience...

Just had a real conversation with my wife. Calm, collected.

She mentioned talking to alot of people who are married to people they don't feel like they loved but they stick it out, etc. Seems like alot of people are in this situation... She said that she doesn't want that. She wants to meet a person and grow a relationship over time. She resents that it took this type of "stuff" to get me to lose weight and become more focused on my appearance, etc.

I took the opportunity... I told her that even though she did these things, I love her and forgive her and understand how she felt. I understand that her emotional needs are: first, an attractive spouse; second, affection; third, sexual fulfillment. She even said it with me for the second two.

She asked me how I could possibly forgive her for what she's done. I told her that I've done alot to hurt you over the years too, and that I hope she can forgive me for the things I've done.

She asked how I can say I understand how she feels and why she did what she did. I said that I opened my mind to understanding it and ignored the hurt for a while.

I told her that she still gives me butterflies when she comes in a room, even after what happened.

I said I was sorry for not recognizing her needs.

We got off the phone with no promises or anything like that, but I think a better sense of understanding and maybe even an openness to possibilities for the future.

I don't know what she's thinking, but I feel better about saying what I said.

I admit it...I still love my wife...

I wish you the best my friend

Thank you. The nights are the toughest for some reason... It's 8:30PM. I'm about to lay down with my son and "talk". He always asks me if we can go lay down and talk.

I'm very blessed.

WaltW:

I just spent the last hour reading you thread. Someone else recently recommended that you re-read your thread.

First:
Commit to keeping this woman. She sounds terrific! No more thoughts about Plan D or seperation, etc. You know the facts about those circumstances and you do not have to go down that road.

Second:
She is coming around and stepping out of the FOG. You found out on 8/12 that there was a problem, and the full extent a couple of days later. It took you 15 years to get here and you want to throw it away in 6 weeks.

Third:
You have cleaned up your act, let her appreciate that for a while before you run away.


Now:
Is your WW making you crazy? Yes, I made mine crazy. But I admitted my 4.5 year A on D-Day. My BS was dumbfounded, she had her suspicions, but the truth really hurt. It has been 14 months, and we have come a long way. My RH to her has been a big plus, but you need to allow your W to exit the FOG and join you in the light, it would be worth it.

Not 2x4'ing you, just telling you to forget the Plan D and Focus on the future with your FWS, she is seeing the light, do not screw it up now!

IMHO

lousygolfer... thank you for reading my story.

Second, thank you for the post. I NEEDED THAT!!! I'm so Plan Aing it hurts... well, actually, it feels great.

Thanks again... please watch over me if you have the time. I need posts that slap me in the face and say "snap out of it".

I'm so glad I checked before retiring to bed... I will sleep well tonight.

To: WaltW

Subject: Deposit on 9/21/06 @ 02:48 p.m.

Thank You for your deposit and doing buisiness with us.

-LoveBank


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Stay Strong my friend.

Met with the priest yesterday. One of the best hours of my life. This man IS a blessing... a true blessing. I got more from him than any counselor I've spoken to.

I realized alot of things even over the past few days. He reminded me how wonderful and compassionate I am, and gave me some credit for handling this the way I have. I guess most people just react and say "get out" and it's over.

He wants to meet with my wife one more time before all three of us get together. I like that idea. He said that after speaking with me, he wants my wife to take a little more ownership of our situation. I guess my wife dumped on me a bit, then i dumped on me a bit, then talked about my feelings on things she's done, which made him realize that it takes two to tango.

My wife called me to ask how it went. She really got alot out of talking with him, and I said the same thing about my meeting. She said that I shouldn't take on so much responsibility for this happening, she said that she doesn't even want to see my family... ever again. She started crying about that. She said, "I see how this is going to go. Things are going to get better on the surface. You're making changes. We'll be fine on the surface, but those intimate feelings that I want deep inside aren't there and I want to feel that."

She was crying.

I tried to say as little as possible so that she didn't retreat. I just said that one of the pieces of advice from the priest was PATIENCE. I told her that the feelings don't come first, the actions do.

She called me "hon" today. The butterflies took flight...

I had a good day.

Welp, it was fun while it lasted. This morning, the wife was trying on clothes showing them to me for my opinion on what to wear to the christening today.

For one outfit I said, "Very sexy, looks more like a 'go out' type of outfit." She responded with, "Maybe I'll where it tonight." I said (tongue in cheek), "Where are we going?"

After that I went upstairs and said that I don't approve of her going out, but I can't stop her. She said "FINE" and got really pissed, started saying disrespectful things like "maybe I want to p*ss you off". She would be going out with her skank friend. I told her that I really don't have the stomach for her friend anymore.

I stayed calm, but what I was saying in my head would have been NOT Plan A by a long shot.

Her parents are going to pull her aside today again... she'll be upset by that.

I'm remembering not to take what she has to say too seriously.

By the way, I got a new outfit for today and I look great. How can she resist me? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I love your personality man!!!

You stay on that... wish I could get more positive about myself after all thats happened.

I bought myself a new outfit today, but not really going out... just needed some new threads.

All I can tell you is...I can relate, my wife for a while could care less what I thought of her actions. Hang in there, I think you actually have hope...

LIF, those are words that I cherish: "I think you actually have hope"

Well, the christening was FUN! My inlaws are borderline disgusted by her. They "love her", but hate what she's doing. Her mother actually said to me that she would have kicked her a$$ out already and doesn't know how I'm doing it. I take alot of pride in that considering it's HER MOTHER!!!

Anyway, got alot of compliments from people about my weight loss. Most people can't believe I want to lose more weight! My son ended up staying at my BIL and SIL's house. I picked him up and had a few minutes with them. They're sickened by her, especially my SIL. She has NO family support for her actions. Everyone is so disappointed and I love it. I love it because she responds to her family's opinions on most things.

She gave me a classic line last night. I told her that I was looking around the table at these people who I had such problems with in the past. I've talked badly about them behind their backs, even made fun of them... I told her that I now realize that they're some of the most decent people I know. I told her that I'm disappointed I wasn't closer with them all along.

She got pi$$ed and said "after 15 f'in years your saying this NOW???!!!" I said that I can't change the past, all I can do is determine my future.

She left with the classic line: "After today, you've ruined any chance of getting back together." She's said this a few times over things she hasn't been happy about... but she's still there.

The biggest problem now is her lack of ownership to her contribution to this poor environment in our marriage. She still blames everyone else.

I stayed calm. Not easy. I had SOOO many opportunities for some GREAT one-liners that would have made me feel a little better for a few minutes. Not worth it...

Anyway LIF, I feel like there's still hope too...

She's completely upset about yesterday, depressed today... plus PMSing. Also known as "the perfect storm".

Thanks for reading.

One more thing...

The funny thing is she said "How's it going to look in the future when everyone's looking at me saying how could she do that to him, etc." I'm thinking, how's it going to look if you get divorced and sitting there alone because it's not "your weekend" with the kids. Or you need to leave early to "bring the kids home".

Do any of you know... if a person is going to enter recovery, at some point is there some sort of appifany where they finally "get it"?

lousygolfer (aren't we all)... what made you stop and say "what the ****** am I doing?"

My wife went to church today...

Baby steps.

Should be an interesting day. According to my FIL, the wife seems to be trying to deal with others knowing about her behavior.

He also said that she is struggling with the fact that in her mind, our marriage was going to be over once she revealed her affairs. However, I took the high road by accepting my role in the environment of our marriage, losing alot of weight (still losing!), and finally... forgiving her for what she's done.

It's going to be another good day...

WaltW:

What caused me to "Snap out of it?" I didn't.

My M had been falling apart for years. MY LTA of 4.5 Years should have indicated this. But I knew my BS was better than the OW, but, I continued with the A.

Well, My BS walked into my office on day one, and created a crisis that resulted in the two of us finally finding MB. Then I tried to end the A with the OW and she called my W on day 5. It was an amazing 5 days. Everything changed on the day we discovered MB.

But, the first thing I did was to be as truthful as possible, and then transparent in my actions. She could rebuild the trust, then. Also, because of MB, we were able to use HNHN and resolve, address and begin changing many of the issues that lead to our deteriorating M. We have come a long way, but we have come this far with alot of tears, conversation and modifications of behaviors.

I thought I was a dead man as soon as my BS found out about the A. Prior to MB, She would have shot me or destroyed as much of me as she could as she was Plan D'ing me.

Walt: Your heart still flutters when your W enters the room. Even after the knowledge of her A's were revealed. She still has to acknowledge her role in these activities, and that will come, but your Plan A'ing her is creating her remorse, "how can you accept me?" You can accept her, because you still love her and cherish her. She made a mistake, and she can correct it by making the changes needed to respect you and your M. I made them, my BS made some, and we are much better for it.

Early on in this thread, you said that she had read some of the Harley books, or at least looked at some? If she has, great, if not, then the next time she asks, hand her HNHN and/or SAA, and ask her to read it. Then start talking. you would be surprised by the changes. But, let her read them for herself. You will know when the right time to "talk" with her about what the books say, sometimes, you can do it together, but you need her to indicate that she is ready.

Thanks, lg.

She did read HNHN. We both did. At first, she I was troubled because she used it as an "excuse" for what she did, instead of a source for how to fix US. I think she's really somewhat coming around and realizing that this is not going to happen overnight. She's worried about what other people think... always her biggest weakness in life.

I keep reminding myself that in one year my life will be completely different and better no matter what.

I have incredible support from friends, family, and THIS SITE! Finding this site was a blessing to me. It has literally changed my life.

Thanks for your valuable input, lg...

For some reason I feel so dam GOOD today!!!

My wife is totally PMSing... just layering on the negativity.

Yesterday she called and said "you left the internet on. I see you're looking at MarriageBuilders.com. That's so annoying about you. You just get into everything 30X more than anyone else. What do you get out of going to that site?" She's basically making fun of me for this. I told her that I get alot out of the site and that its the site related to the book we read. I then asked her in a nice way "how was church last night". She got all po'd saying "why does everyone have to make a big deal out of me going to church. What about your dad? He doesn't go to church."

I got off the phone, but then called back. Yes, I was annoyed and said, "my dad didn't cheat on his wife and want to break up his family. When are you going to stop projecting the blame for your actions on everyone else? I go to that website to improve myself. What have you done to improve yourself? Nothing. Because you continue to expect the world around you to change for YOU. Well, it doesn't work that way. All the closest people in your life are trying to help you, but you only want to listen to what you want to hear. You're ruining your life and the lives of all the people who love you." She just said "thank you" and we got off the phone.

Yes, I know DJ's all over that call... but I needed to vent. I didn't yell or scream, I stayed under control, but I felt like it needed to be done. I know I probably shouldn' have said anything.

She cried later that day on the phone saying she's hormonal, wants it to work, doesn't know what to do, doesn't know if she loves me or not, confused, thinking about her family's feelings toward her, etc.

She works tonight and tomorrow so i plan on keeping my distance and giving her space or whatever. I feel like when she goes to work it's like 2 steps back. All the women there are either divorced or "not happy" in their marriage.

I do feel like I'm just getting tired of this crap sometimes. I know that I want it to work and that I want to be in a caring, loving marriage. I just feel so darn good about myself and my life and attitude these days that I struggle with just cutting her loose. When I feel this way, I take it as an opportunity to give her "space", which, in turn gives me some space as well.

Yep, it is an emotional roller coaster, but it sometimes feels like the lows don't get as low as the day before, but the highs keep getting higher.

I wonder what my life will be like in 5 years...