Had the driveway sealed today. She said "something else I've always wanted you to do... and now you're doing it".

I told her that I'm working hard at being a good husband.

I left it at that.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My friend is going through a divorce at this time. I've referred him here for some self help...

Anyway, he went fishing with a friend of ours and another guy who is a psychologist. He was talking with him about his wife's behavior and the psychologist said he's familiar with women leaving for various reasons and that more than 50% of them regret it within two years. (Assuming that abuse or a dangerous living condition isn't the reason.)

I read the same statistic elsewhere. The wake of destruction is devastating. It's truly a shame that this happens.

Not saying that it doesn't happen with men also, I'm just considering my and my buddy's circumstances...

Saw that the wife was checking out airfares. We had a trip planned to Florida to visit her parents in November.

In August, she said that she didn't want to go to florida or anywhere else with me. Blah, blah, blah...

I told her recently to go with the kids if the only reason she doesn't want to go is because she doesn't want to go with me.

During the christening the other day, she suggested that I go down with the kids. (I would never leave her alone that long right now), I didn't respond. I'm assuming she's looking for us all to go together.

She was actually pretty normal yesterday. I think she's trying. At least she's not in the "I don't love you and want a divorce" mode all the time.

Patience...

It's nice around the house when she's working.

Walt:

Your recent posts got me to sign in today...

Your quote:

"She cried later that day on the phone saying she's hormonal, wants it to work, doesn't know what to do, doesn't know if she loves me or not, confused, thinking about her family's feelings toward her, etc."

Are you winning or what? After that call to her, and you pointing out her errors, and she calls back with that, you are seriously winning these battles. (Careful with calls like that to her, however, lots of DJ in that)

Now this quote:
"She works tonight and tomorrow so i plan on keeping my distance and giving her space or whatever."

What happens when she gets home? Is it time for a serious hug for her when ever she walks in? Sometimes, the only way to shrink the distance is to close it yourself, let her feel safe in your arms. What happens after that moment is up to her.

You are only 2 months into this, keep fighting!

THANK YOU!

You know, I've been considering the attempted "hug". I don't think she'd be open to that right now. I think I'm reading her pretty well.

Yes, I do feel like I'm somewhat winning. Between my mental state growing more stable every day and her remarks about making it want to work, I think we're heading in the "best" direction possible... not knowing the outcome at the end of course.

I've been trying to squash my bitterness that has been rising to the surface. I talk and vent to my close friends who have been there for me through all of this.

Funny story... my buddy called (he doesn't know about ANYTHING I'm going through) and told me he's been stressed because he hasn't gotten out fishing, then he told me that he had a blowout with his wife over the fact that he hasn't had any time to himself... same type of blowouts I used to have with my wife. The result was that he's going on a fishing trip for a few more days than expected.

I'm going to give him a copy of HNHN next time I see him. His wife is not NEARLY as selfish and self-centered as mine, but the makings are there for problems. Funny how you can see things differently from this side of the fence.

Thanks for taking the time to post...

Walt:

In regards to your friend, he needs HNHN. He's going on a fishing trip, discusses it with W and it is a big blowout, and now he is even going for a longer time. Now, with your MB & HNHN knowledge, where do you think this is going?

Don't hand him the book, hit him upside the head with it. cause if stays on the same path, he will have alot of time to go fishing...

With the knowledge that my BS and I have learned here and in the books, we watch other folks relationships with a whole new perspective. We even comment to each other and note which of the EN are being violated in the relationship.

Walt, give your WW a hug when she gets home today. When she walks in, just wrap your arms around her, tell her you are glad she is home tonight, and safe, and then let go. Then, do it every time she comes home, no matter what she has said to you on the phone that day, or what else has happened. Let it be the safe time of the day, what happens after that hug is unknown, but if you start doing this, she will know that it is safe to come back home. She may struggle the first time, even the next, but make a point of doing it. Any other hugs during the day are at each partners discretion.

Keep fighting!

Ok, I'll take your advice and try it. I expect to get rolling eyes and a "tsk" and maybe even just limp arms at her side, but I'll give it a shot.

I suppose it can't hurt. We have a counseling session tomorrow morning. Hopefully better than the first one... Don't think I liked much about the first one, but I did learn a little bit.

Thanks again!!!

If you do it don't make a big stink about it, make it short (1-2 seconds max) and then have something that you need to go do and above all and act Happy and get out of there leaving her to think "WTF just happened?"

Hey Walt....just a thought for you.
When you give her that hug, its a sign of how you feel.
Don't expect (or wait) for anything in return.
Don't expext to see a differance. Think long term Walt. LONG TERM.
Someday she will remember how you stood by her through all of this.
You are choosing to love her weather she wants it or not.

Don't worry about her reaction....just remember that you chose the right action.

Get it?

Good Luck to you.
JS

Perfect advice, JS!!! Walt, just caught up on your story. Stay the course! You're doing great!

Ok, I'll do it... thanks.

Just got off the phone. The wife started talking about things. She started talking about worrying about me gaining back the weight, us fighting, the fact that I changed alot about myself but she doesn't feel any differently toward me. I told her that I don't expect her to feel differently in such a short time, and don't know if she'll EVER feel differently. I told her that I'm doing these things for myself. She brought up alot of other stuff that she looks back on and doesn't feel too good about and is having trouble letting go of.

THEN she asked me this...

WHAT THREE THINGS DO YOU THINK I SHOULD WORK ON? I almost passed out! I think this is a HUGE moment in this saga because I think it means she's thinking "look at how he's working so hard and I'm doing nothing... I don't even know what to do... maybe I'll ask him about what he thinks I should do". I think the sun just burned away some fog...

I told her these three things:

1. Work on your relationship with our daughter. She agreed.
2. Work on your relatinoship with God. She got annoyed, but I think I made my point.
3. Work on being accountable for your actions and at peace with yourself by being the person you really want to be.

I didn't say to work on US at any point. As a matter of fact, I told her that at this point, we should both work on ourselves and not put any pressure on working on our relationship.

She asked how long it would be to work on things... do you get to a point and give it another three months, etc? I told her that I've read that it can take 1-2 years to really get to a point where recovery is moving along well. I know two years is more realistic, but didn't want to freak her out.

I also told her that I can't guarantee I may feel differently in the future. I told her that I forgive her, but I'm prepared to go through some trying emotional times.

She asked that if we were intimate, am I going to be able to handle it. I told her that I didn't know... even though there's nothing I would cherish more...

She talked about how things could be just ok, but is that enough? She said here's a guy who loves me unconditionally (and I corrected her saying that it's NOT unconditional... I don't ever expect to be treated this way again, and if she decides to do this again, it's over.) I told her NO, it is not enough. I want to be in a caring, loving marriage... nothing less. If we cannot achieve this, at some point we will amicably divorce and move on, but it's not the time to be talking about that. She's stressing about the outcome and should be spending her time working on the "means" to the outcome.

I'll chaulk it up to another useful conversation.

She's going out with her skank friend tomorrow night to a movie and some shopping. She asked if I had a problem with it, I told her that it's up to her and I'm not going to force her to do or not do anything.

Idea:

When she gets home from the movies (or whatever), have the house cleaned as good as you ever have. Leave a note on the counter (where she can see it) and say "I hope you had a nice time." Then put your name on it with a smilie face.

She is going to go in and out of the fog for awhile. She can't see future feelings for you, they will build...as long as there is NC and you continue to show her strength in YOU!!!

Thanks!!!

Going home now to hug my wife. I'm ready for any reaction.

Without Plan A and the calculated exposure on my part, I'm confident things would NOT be heading in this direction.

Ok, got home and the wife's in a fight with my daughter over walking the dog, so no hug was dispensed. I stayed calm and diffused the situation (as usual).

Anyway, had a great counseling session today. I went in with the mentality to shut the heck up and let my wife talk. As expected, she kind of revealed alot about herself. You see, I realize that if I talk about the same things she talked about, I don't seem to have the same impact as if she talks about it. She talked for the first 10 minutes of the session without me uttering a word.

When I was given the opportunity to speak, I said that I completely agree with her... I said that I wasn't the person I wanted to be throughout most of our marriage. I told the MC that I've struggled with my weight my whole life and it had a big impact on me emotionally and mentally. I also told him that I understand that her feelings and my sense of "right or wrong" should be at battle with one another. Whether it's right or wrong, if it makes my wife feel crappy, I need to consider that when making decisions.

I told him that I take ownership of the environment of our marriage, but that there's no excuse for infidelity. I told him that I wish she would have handled it differently than she did. I wish she would have come to me and said that she's not happy, not attracted to me, wants a divorce... even GET a divorce, but she really handled it poorly. He agreed.

He "warned" me that it seems like I'm coming into my own and have found myself in many ways. He "warned" that at some point, I'm going to say "I don't need to go through all these steps" and that I'm going to say fine, it's over... let's move on. I told him that I struggle with those feelings right now, and they become more frequent lately.

I told him that when my wife told me she wanted a divorce, she hammered me physically and she has recently expressed concern that I might gain all the weight back.

After it was said and done, he told her that marriage is a compromise, no matter if you think you've found your "soul mate" or not. He told her that she needs to be more accepting of me and needs to contribute to the marriage as well and not expect me to make all the changes, which I clearly have made.

The wife asked what she could do. He told her that it's not all about what Walt does for you that's going to make you feel close to him, but by her investing in me, she will place a value on me because she's invested in making me happy. He asked me what she could do to make me happy. I nearly passed out at that point! FINALLY, someone is asking me about my happiness and clearly understanding my situation more... I finally felt a little bit validated.

I hesitated, then told him that when I would like to do things together, without distraction... I mentioned golf, going out to dinner, or just a drink, but that time with someone makes me feel close to them. He told her that she needs to make time for me right now, and that she needs to try more than she is.

He then asked her what would be a stretch for her. I knew what was coming. She said that she can't imagine sex with me at this point. He said that as a way to start those feelings again, we need to just try touching each other more. Whether its a back rub or just rubbing my arm or letting me rub hers.

She asked a couple questions and he said to wait and take it one step at a time...

She left laughing a little bit saying "ok, let's go have a drink while I rub your arm." Hey, at least she was laughing...

It was a good session... finally.

wow.bump.be watchful though. dont get ahead of yourself. but great going!

question: Did she "rub your arm?"

high five my friend.

No rubbing has been done yet... I really felt good after today. I felt good about myself mostly and the way I was able to express myself. My dialogue was effortless.

I'm finding myself... I never knew what that really meant until now.

Wife just called but did not leave a message. Usually I pick up the phone and call back immediately. This time, I'll wait for her to call back.

I just find that interesting...

Walt!

Give her that hug when you get home, she wanted you, and it would be the perfect way to respond when you got home.

As for your reluctance yesterday, "the fight with daughter" so what, surprize them both.

It's time to go on the offensive, show her that you welcome her back into the M.

Well, I got home and she was at soccer practice. When she got home, I left with the kids to do some food shopping. She got ready to go out with skank friend.

I got home from food shopping as she was done getting ready. She came to show me what she was wearing and asked if I liked it. I said no, because I didn't... then she changed into something I liked, but I wish she stuck with the first one, because the second was sexy to me... didn't want her out in that, but oh well. She's gone for the evening now.

When I got home, she said she saw blah, blah, blah... and listed the some of our friends. One of them asked to go out with us soon. She suggested that we go out with them. She was in a generally good mood. I was quient showing that I did NOT want her going out, but not going to FORCE her to stay home. We'll see how she proceeds with the weekend. She's not working again until Sunday, so that leaves two evenings where we can maybe do something.

Not sure if I should initiate plans or not. I'll probably let her initiate, this way it was her idea, not mine and she doesn't feel "trapped" or "forced".

I think today may have been a big day for her. The MC really nailed it with her in my opinion.

The hug will come soon... maybe tomorrow. I can't believe I'm nervous about this hug. Like so much hinges on it... weird.

You guys are great. Thanks.

Walt for us looking for home summarize for us what has happend