Viking,

I'm not sure what you mean... you mean the whole story summarized? Or a recent event?

I'd be glad to do either, just want to make sure I know what you're asking.

Oh, by the way, she seemed to come home somewhat annoyed. Probably talking with the friend influences her. I'm going to bring up this relationship at MC soon. I'm not good with it and want it to end. It's her "best friend", but she's a skanky, smelly mess.

I woke up at 1AM to her coming home and slamming drawers, etc. Mumbling something about pajamas. Don't know what it was all about.

I roll my eyes more and more to myself. Definately a sign of my mental state with all this.

I called and talked to the wife. I said that she seemed annoyed last night after getting home and was everything alright. She said that she wasn't annoyed, I just woke up and freaked out a little (I have a tendency to wake up alarmed for some reason).

I asked how the movie was. As expected, she said that they didn't see a movie. They went to the store, then decided to get a couple drinks and have something to eat.

I'm going to do one of two things. I'm going to either bring up her skank friend at the next MC, or request a one-on-one session to discuss this. Not sure yet.

She is generally being much more pleasant than usual.

We're going out to dinner as a family tonight. Should be fun and interesting.

Hey walt,

Funny how the MC is validating you. LOL.

Yes I have said to my FWW the more energy you put into something the more you value it.

You cannot sit back and wait for her to initiate. I made the mistake of waiting for her to do what she said.

We talked about it on your other thread. You know what initiate physical contact. Rub her back, stroke her arm, carress her cheek.

The longest journey begins with the first step.

At dinner tonight play footsies with her. Touch her hand. DO SOMETHING!!! LOL.

As far as her skank friend. Tell her. I really, really dislike two of my FWW's friends back east. She wanted to go visit them and I said I wouldn't take on the responsibility of watching the kids so she could go see them. Done.

If she wants a D for that fine. I do not generally hang out with people my FWW has a distaste for. Not saying I would disown a friend but if they were a skank then I would respect her wish.

Good luck.

Thanks. I'll give her one more shot tonight at dinner. Something tells me that she'll rub my leg or something... we'll see. She's even a little better on the phone with me, but I still keep my guard up.

I just want to have a fun night as a family tonight at dinner. Relaxed, peaceful, fun, surrounded by a loving, caring environment.

Yes, I'm hoping for alot. I'm going to do my part in creating this environment for myself and the kids. If the wife gets sucked into it, that's a bonus.

But then you say you want to be relaxed. LOL.

No way that is going to happen. LOL

You will be anxiously anticipating or hoping for her to reach out and rub your leg or something.

Dang walt just initiate contact. I know it is a barrier for you and her. You break down the barrier. I know the MC said for her to do it. I know you are waiting for it. But you can start right.

If she doesn't reciprocate it is still ok. Give her time but make the first step.

Imagine when you were dating. If I waited for everywomen I was ever with to make the first move I would have had to wait a long time. LOL.

I don't know maybe she is waiting for you too. Just give it a shot.

Alright! You talked me into it. I may do it as putting my arm around her and/or rubbing her back. While we're sitting at the table.

Yes, I will be somewhat anxious, but not as bad as I have been in the past. Being happier with myself eases that anxiety.

Crap! Ok... I'll let you know... Look for before and "during" pix in my other thread early next week.

Good!

Don't get carried away though. LOL. I am telling you footsies is the best. Start a family footsie session at while you are eating dinner. It may disarm her.

Or just touch her hand. Start small.

I looked at your other thread and I am not holding my breath you keep promising those darn pictures. LOL.

Ok, the photos are acanned in... before and "during". I hit my goal for today! 247.5! Only 22.5 to go to hit my ultimate goal. the pictures are VERY dramatic... you may even not believe it's the same person! I'll post the link on the other thread.

Anyway, BIG WEEKEND!!! I gave my wife a brief hug on Friday night after we all went out to dinner. I could almost hear you guys egging me on. We were both lying on the bed taking a break. We were both tired. I was going downstairs and I rolled over and gave her a squeeze and left. She didn't respond... I expected nothing.

Saturday morning, we were at my son's soccer game and I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner. She rolled her eyes and said "sure" in such a crappy way that I said don't worry about it. We got into an argument about it, then continued a discussion later at home with her saying that she can't imagine touching me, she doesn't feel anything, doesn't know how she's supposed to make herself feel anything. I thought... DUH! Weren't you listening to the counselor? She expects the feelings to just be there, and THEN work on it... I told her that if she's really not interested in working on it, then this is a waste of time. She finally has someone telling her what to do, and she doesn't want to do it. She started talking about divorce again and terms. I told her I don't want to talk about that right now. She said she can't afford to live on her own anyway and got out her budget and asked me to go over it with her. I told her "if you want this independence, etc., you're going to have to figure this stuff out on your own. I'm certainly not going to hold your hand through it." She got upset and said that I've taken care of her for ten years and she's scared and doesn't know what to do. I told her that none of this is my problem anymore. Yes, it was an argument, but I did hold back from alot of what i would have loved to say at that point. She went out with my daughter after that.

Then, my daughter told me they went to confession! I was shocked.

So anyway, it got civilized again. What a roller coaster ride!!! This is still Saturday's events. We went out to dinner. On the way she said "can I try holding your hand?" We held hands for a while on the way to our favorite restaurant. She commented how my hands were cold. She never felt my hands cold. i told her that my hands were always warm and clammy because I was always so fat. That's not the case anymore.

We got there and the owner recognized us and gave us a great seat. She commented on that... We got bread and the "mean" waitress as we like to call her. We also got two appetizers and decided to share dinner. She started talking... and alot came to the surface. First she noted how I had NO bread and usually, I would get more because I'd eat so much. Then she had half of my appetizer, and all of her mozzerella sticks! Plus, I didn't even finish what was on my plate. I told her that I have such a different relationship with food. She said that she couldn't believe that it took THIS to get me to change. She started crying saying that if she met me today, that she knows she would feel differently. She kept saying "why can't I feel that way now?". I told her that I made a dramatic change in two months and that I don't expect her to feel differently over night. She started spilling her guts about how she wanted to feel a certain way. She said that since she had affairs, she felt like she crossed a line that she can't go back over. That the marriage would never be "perfect". (Therein lies one of her biggest problems... things have to be perfect. I don't know one marriage that is!)

I started telling her about the things I can't wait to do in my "next" relationship whether it's with her or not. Like going into the city and having a romantic dinner then going back to our hotel room for the night and going to church in the morning. Hiking up on a mountain near our house with a backpack picnic, a bottle of wine and two glasses to catch the foliage. Going out to the Ryland Inn (awesome fancy restaurant near us) for my wife's birthday every year. Skiing together.

She brought up intimacy. She said that she may want to try it at some point and if that would be ok. (OK? Bring it!)

There were other discussions intertwined within this evening... all very interesting.

Then,on Sunday we all went to church as a family for the first time in a LONG time. I swear the sermon was written for us. Talked about a prayer life and how we justify our behaviors in today's world. The subject of infidelity even came up. I didn't look at her... didn't need to.

She left for work and I went home to make dinner for the kids and myself. On the way home I texted her a smiley face regarding the sermon. I just texted :-)

She replied, "Yup, I know."

What a weekend...

Keep going Walt. The ice is melting and I think you are making very good progress. Just keep it "steady as she goes" for awhile and don't push. She is starting to rethink things, and that takes awhile and usually is a good sign.

God Bless,

JL

Walt

She said that since she had affairs, she felt like she crossed a line that she can't go back over. That the marriage would never be "perfect".

I learned what this means in my own experience.

As the horror of what they have done becomes apparrent at their very core, they look to the consequences of it,sometimes fog free.

They see a lifetime of having to "eat [email]cr@p"[/email] ( My FWWs words) and although they want to return to the marriage in some visceral way, the thought of having to face their consequences is just too terrible to contenplate.

They fear they will never again have the front foot in their marriage: that the BS will ever have a trump card.

This is why BS have to be a 'lighthouse' ( do a search on this word and find Ark's thread on this). BS must convince their WS that they wish to work through the consequences of the affair and repair their marriage, not roll it up and stuff 'em with it.

This is DIFFERENT to the BS choking it all down BTW. There has to be a whole lot of processing , humility and very painful repentence from the WS/FWS but there will be an end to that someday.

That IME is what a WS means when they say "too much has happened, our marriage can never be perfect again".

I hope this helps.

Walt in early recovery, my wife also said that she didn't understand why the feelings were so slow to come back. She said there was a buzz she felt with OM that she used to feel with me. It was confusing to her that she felt nothing.

In recovery, "fake it till you make it" is the order of the day. Act like you are in love and be loving and do loving things and the feelings will return. Takes a little time is all.

Your post is pretty positive as I read it.

I'd like to bring that statement up in counseling. "It will never be perfect." Well, guess what... it never was in the first place! Why else would we be doing all this?

I didn't want to say that at dinner. Didn't want to get into a back and forth about things where I start to try and "prove" my point. I just listened to how she felt.

She's always had this problem where as long as it looked good on the outside, it didn't really matter how things were on the inside. She got WAY carried away with this over the past several years.

Thanks for the great input! Yes, I do feel like it was a positive weekend. Got to give her a little space right now again and keep Plan Aing myself.

Walt:

Great Weekend!

Your getting there! And she is beginning to see you thru the fog.

You are at the top of the roller coaster right now, enjoy the view, theres other hills and valleys ahead, but in your case, the hills get higher, and valleys are not as deep.

Start Hugging!!!

Thanks, lg.

I posted my before and after pix in my other thread. Enjoy!

Life gets better every day...

Yesterday, the wife booked plane tickets to her parents in Florida for all of us. She did stick in there though that she's doing it for the kids and it has nothing to do with us. I told her that if she doesn't want me to go, I won't go... that I understand how she feels. (I say this alot these days.)

She said no, but that it's weird that I never wanted to go before and now I want to go. Sounded ticked off about that. I smiled and didn't verbally respond.

Then last night I got home and picked up wine on the way home. I didn't get home until 8:00 PM. (I had a glass of wine... hated it... tried a new brand and it tasted like feet!) Then I made a martini for myself. While I was in the kitchen, the wife wrapped up the dish cloth and swatted me on the butt! Like you'd do in a locker room... she missed the first few times and I said, you better be ready for the consequences. (Joking around.) She finally got me with a good one.

We watched some TV, then she went to bed.

I'll admit, I think she had a few drinks in her before she did the towel thing, but I'd consider that somewhat of an act of endearment...

Progress... thank God.

Today is my Mother's birthday. I just called her (third attempt) to wish her a happy 60th birthday! She told me that my wife called her this morning to wish her a happy birthday.

They talked. Prior to this, I told my parents that I'm willing to forgive her and all I ask is that they do the same. They've taught me about forgiveness through church, CCD, prayer... and I told them it's time to practice what we've all preached.

My wife cried and sobbed according to my mother and said she's trying and wants it to work out.

I think my wife finally realizes the ripple effect of what she did and how she handled things.

I'm glad they talked.

More progress... thank God.

walt........progress........take time you are getting there. i am so happy for you. If possible please visit my stich and give me your opinion.

I need to learn to relax like you. Seems like my WW is in severe withdrawal / denial yet she speaks to me.

Sorry if it seems like TJ. Just that you are inspiring.

continue to be the rock in her world and damn you know that you are GETTING BETTER....you have grown. Re reading your post i gotta say that you are truly a changed man.

Your WW is lucky to have you.

I've read your thread and commented.

Thank you for the kind words...