Hey Walt whats the latest? How are the Kids. How is your interaction with them? Especially your daughter?

Want to hear more about your family .

thanks man for the comments. later.

Nothing much new, except I saw in my wife's planner she's going back to see the priest on Friday. The past several days have been huge with our dinner, holding hands, going to church, her calling my mother...

Things are moving.

My daughter is great. We're very close and it seems like my wife is getting more involved with the kids in general. She can be an angry person, but she comes to me when she's angry and I work it out with everyone making sure she sees that I'm listening and considering what she has to say.

She works tonight but is off the next three nights. I'm going to pick out a recipe from my new cook book and make something different and healthy one night. My daughter and I are going to bake a healthy apple pie over the weekend. I'm VERY busy with work trying to get caught up from the turmoil of the past several weeks... tough balancing act, but I'm up for the challenge!

Thanks for asking...

I just wanted to add to my last post. In general, I feel like I've found myself in ways that I didn't even know I was looking for! I spent the past 15 years working hard... I have my Bachelor's of Science in Civil Engineering, my MBA, various certifications, my Professional Engineer's license in several states, work full time with a company and do my own consulting on the side. We have a second home in Vermont where we love to ski and rent out when we're not there, I make good money (relative), etc. I've always used my energy chasing these goals that I hoped would result in more money, more things... and happiness in some way.

Yet I kept chasing and chasing... where most people would have stopped, not me! It was never enough. I ignored my weight and self image, subconsciously DRIVING toward some goal that I never even defined! I just thought "this must be the way to go".

I think/hope it's obvious that I've really opened my mind and my SOUL while going through this experience. I realize that all the crap in the world will not make me happy. I know that sounds so cliche, but I never really understood it until now. I listen to sermons at church much differently, I consider each day and how I'm using my time, I can't wait for our second home to sell because I plan on reducing my hours at work and spending more time with my family.

I look forward to doing more volunteer work when possible.
I look forward to being a reliable member of my extended family lending a hand whenever it's needed.
I look forward to planting a garden next year with my son.
I can't wait to go skiing this winter with my kids.
I look forward to praying more, going to church during the week on a whim because I have the time.
I'm considering taking guitar lessons... always wanted to learn how to play the guitar.
I look forward to building a fire and having a glass of wine with someone special.
I look forward to falling asleep on the deck because I have nothing else to do at that time.
I look forward to listening to my friends and family when the need someone to listen to them.
I look forward to listening and singing along with a Frank Sinatra CD.
I look forward to weekend getaways to a B&B somewhere in New England.
I look forward to the holidays and Christmas carols.
I look forward to sleeping peacefully.
I look forward to reading a good book that has nothing to do with work or the software I need to learn for work.
I look forward to helping someone with no expectation for anything in return.
I look forward to complimenting others when I notice something special about them.
I look forward to hugs, both giving and receiving.
I look forward to staying in great shape so I can enjoy all the things my wonderful life has to offer.

What seemed like a tragedy has yielded so many silver linings, its almost blinding me to the cloud...

I love my life today.

Excellent post WaltW.....The one thing that seems to be a constant for most BS's that come here and apply MB principles is that whether they are fortunate enough to save their marriage or not they are better people for having been refined in the fire. You are an example of this. The sad thing for WS's is that they likely will never get it and will make one bad choice or decision after another in search of "happiness" and "instant gratification". Sad for them.

Walt:

Nice List.

But nowhere do you list doing anything with your Spouse.

"Building a fire and sharing a glass of wine with someone special" is as close as you get.

Troubling to me. Was this intentional?

Now, one of the tenets of MB is that the BS must act to improve themselves and be irresitable to the WS and if things do not work out with the WS, then they are more attractive to the next partner, post Divorce.

But, still troubling that you could not list one thing with her. You said that it had been a good weekend, and that things are going well.

lg, that was very observant...

Yes, it was intentional. My point I was trying to make was that I have ALOT to look forward to no matter what. I DO look forward to many things with my spouse or whomever I'm with in the future. I'm not totally hinged on her coming back to me across a field of daisies as we embrace eathother at the climax of the instrumental song playing in the background.

I AM becoming the most irresistable spouse that i know, but through my actions, not through my words. I'm creating an environment that she wants to be a part of, not holding her hand because holding her hand sometimes results in my trying to DRAG her into this world. The door is open, I'm standing there with open arms... SHE is the only one who can decide to cross it and join the wonderful life ahead.

It was a good weekend and things seem to be heading in the right direction... but mostly (I feel) as a result of my changes to myself.

It's really like a game. Actually can be quite amusing at times. I appreciate your concern and questions.

Do you have any suggestions on what to do differently at this point? From a FWS point of view? Just curious... Thanks again...

Last night I called the wife on her cell phone and asked her out again this weekend. She sighed that little annoyed/annoying sigh, then said "ok". I asked her which night she preferred and she said that it's up to me.

These past 5 days have been interesting and eventful. She is definately trying. Counseling on Monday, so I'm glad we're going to get out twice before Monday (last Saturday and this weekend). She's reached out to my mother, scheduled to see the priest tomorrow, went to confession, spending more time with the kids... and I can tell she's noticing my new "look" including weight loss and wardrobe.

I still progress with little expectation. At some point, I want to try a little fun with these "dates" and maybe get ready at another location, pick her up, drop her off, then stay somewhere else for the night and call her in the morning. I think that would be fun and cool... we'll see what she says.

I'm also planning something that I'd like to share with you all. We had our daughter before we were married, which makes my wife feel like she never got to "choose" who she was married to. We broke up for a while, but then got back together. We didn't marry until my daughter was four years old. I never really proposed to her in a very romantic way... so as we hopefully progress into recovery at some point, I want to blow her DOORS off with the most romantic proposal I can think of. I was thinking of flying with her somewhere like Paris... just her and I of course... and doing something near the Eiffel Tower. Or going to a tropical location and planning something. Alot of details to work out, but after lousy golfer's post, I figured I'd let you all know that I'm still very much in love with my wife and my choice is to be with her "til death do us part".

Thanks for reading...

Just talked with the wife. We chatted a bit and she says she still feels the same, no prgress in her feelings she says, but is open to improvements in the future.

Interesting thing (PLAN A WORKS!) she said that she finds it much more appealing when I act confidently talking about what I plan on doing in the future with or without her. She specifically says it's appealing when I talk about meeting someone after her and the things I can't wait to enjoy doing with that person. I found that interesting... but not surprising.

Going to probably meet her and the kids out for dinner. I guess this is progress though. I'm trying to not have any expectations right now. Not easy really... I almost feel like she's testing me to see if these changes stick. I realize I can SAY these are permanent changes, but SHOWING that they're permanent is far more ensuring to the viewer!

Is it common for WS's to really want you to go out and BE with someone outside the marriage? NOT considering this, but the wife has brought it up... so much to the point that she says "I think it will help me feel more attracted to you".

Anybody ever hear of this? We actually had a conversation about it last night and I said that I don't think I could do it and don't WANT to do it of course... but the more I said I don't want to, the more she told me she wanted me to.

She also said it would almost feel like a breaking point where we could start over.

Let me be clear... I have NO INTENTION of doing this. It's emotionally, mentally, and physically unhealthy. I'm posting to get a feel from everyone, especially WW's who may have some insight into this.

She is still deep in the fog. Reject this as one of your boundaries.

Yes, It is common. Very common. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

It is a method that the WS uses to help them reduce the "guilt" they feel over their behavior. SEE! You went outside the marriage too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ***** sigh ***** <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Sometimes this idea is "brought" up before the affair is uncovered / revealed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

BTW: I wanted to tell you that I think that you are doing a great job. I'm very confident that WW will become a FWW. She (and you) just need the time to work it through.

Stay Strong & keep up the good work! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Actually, she did bring this up about a year ago (after she had multiple PA's) when I was going to a bachelor party. She actually encouraged me to be open to letting one of the "hired help" for the party perform acts on me.

I couldn't believe what she was saying and joked about it. I even told her that it happened, just to see her reaction. It didn't happen, of course, and I told her that I wouldn't do that. I was confused about this whole thing... now I know why she encouraged it.

As things start to progress, it seems that this "sexual attraction" issue is our sticking point. Something else I'd like to bring up in counseling. I've made alot of changes in a short time, and the wife says she still sees me in a way that's not attractive to her. I don't expect major changes in a short period of time. She again told me last night that she's p*ssed off that I've made all these changes now. Again, I think she realizes that she shouldn't have done what she did and could have handled it differently.

There's more... but you get the point.

My wife went to see the priest today. Talking to her was frustrating afterward. Today is one of those days where I just feel frustrated about this whole thing. I want to be a happy family and work toward that. My wife just keeps saying "I don't feel that way toward you" and it hurts. The reality of the affairs really hits home some days and those words just make me want to stop trying so dam hard.

She told the priest that she feels threatened, etc. when we talk about terms of divorce. I want primary custody of the kids, want to stay in the house, and want her to pay child support if we got divorced. I don't understand how I'm supposed to feel otherwise.

Sometimes I feel like I'm at my limit. I know there's life after the wife, but every now and then I just lose some steam for one reason or another. It's like our whole family is in limbo right now.

We're going out to dinner tonight. Hopefully it can just be a pleasant evening.

Frustrated today... trying to maintain Plan A.

Plan A timeframe...

Is the reaction from my wife common? Is it tough for them to embrace these changes? I feel like it hasn't been that long, but that I should be getting SOMETHING... I don't know.

Counseling on Monday.

I guess that's why they say to give it 6 months of hard core Plan A... Just need a litte reassurance.

Walt,

Before I discovered the A my FWW suggested a Threesome. Her and I and a women of my choosing. LOL. She would actually get quite graphic about it and how she wanted to see me do certain things.

Now I realize it was to just alleviate her guilt.

There are two ways to make things "even" I guess. Not sure if that is the right word. The FWS works hard and does a lot of good things for the BS or The BS just does the bad thing too. Two wrongs do not make a right so you are making the right decesion.

I didn't take her up on it either. The thought of it sometimes.LOL


I have a thread going over in recovery regarding Compensation from the FWS. You may want to read it. The likely hood of you getting something now is pretty low. There can be different reasons but there you go.

Good luck.

Sorry to here that you're having a "down" day Walt.


Yes it is common.

Remember that WW has committed acts that under normal circumstatnces she would never thought herself capable of.

She has spent months / years creating the justifications / rewriting marital history in her mind that would allow her to commit these acts without any feelings of guilt.

Your plan A is WORKING! Your changes ARE being noticed and it is creating a SERIOUS conflict within WW. The justifications / rewriting of marital history that WW used to commit the acts without any feelings of guilt are unraveling and she is starting to feel the guilt of what she's done.

WS's are exceptional at pain avoidance! She will be very resistant to accepting your changes as permanent. The reason is simple. If WW accepts you changes as permanent then more of the justifications that she used will unravel and cause WW more pain (guilt)!

As for getting "something" don't count on it for awhile. She isn't done dealing with her justifications yet. She'll have to work through those before she has anything to "spare" for you.

Stay Strong!

Thank you, thank you, thank you...

Just what I needed to re-energize my efforts!

Going to dinner with my wife tonight. Should be interesting.

Have a good time at dinner tonight. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

If she lets you: Brush her hair, rub her feet.

It's the little things that count right now!

Oh! and that aftershave she got you for Xmas? Put some on! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Stay Strong!

Walt,

Good for you. Looks like you are making progress. Sometimes it is hard for the FWS to see change because they kinda don't want too. It is part of the process.

You know I have made several changes over the last 3 years and my FWW still doesn't see the difference. Or she doesn't like it. LOL.

I think my FWW is a little different then yours though in that she really just wanted the M back to the way it was before her A. She had it really darn good back then but I didn't. LOL.

Remember last week i told you to hold her hand and play footsies. Try the footsies all women love that.

Hang in there Walt. YOu are doing well.

JL