Well, according to one of the calculators the wife would not be able to function on her own if I got all that was due to me.

I don't want that, but life will be rough for her.

I would actually be in a better financial position once it's all over than before. Go figure.

The except for this year part is irrelevant. LOL.
Well kinda but not really. It isn't based necessarily on one year.

For instance if I am making a lot then quit my job to be a waiter just to make my payments lower that won't fly. The will base it on past earnings and future potential earnings. If she didn't live up to that potential because she was with OM that is not your problem and most importantly it is not the kids problem.

The lack of remorse by the way is normal.

I feel the same way about protecting my FWW from herself but I have 2 kids and quite frankly if I don't do everything I can to make this work I will feel like I am letting them down. So now I am at the point that if I were to get a D I KNOW I did my part.

I cannot change my FWW nor can you all you can do is what you are doing. That way if it does lead to a D you can honestly and truly say to yourself. I gave it my all.

No regrets on your part for what you did or didn't do. Just regret it didn't work out.

If I told you some of the things my FWW did after her A it wasn't a lack of remorse it was like she was rubbing it in my face.

Mine did a little rubbing in my face as well. Literally laughed about some things in front of me. I could go on, but it doesn't really matter.

Like I said, the cage door is wide open.

The reason I brought it up wasn't to compare notes but to hopefully help you realize you are not alone with the remorse things. It is pretty common from what I read here.

Next thing your analogy of the cage door. Work on that. Think differently.

It is not a cage!!!!! It is a wonderful environment for her. I know you are using an analogy and I may be digging deeper then I should. You are not her captor, or her keeper or anything like that.

Today you are a better, stronger person then you were yesterday. She is afraid of that. She may be afraid she cannot be a better, stronger person. She may be looking for the easiest way out. Trust me a D may seem like that but we both know it isn't.

This may actually be the break you are looking for. If she doesn't see it then you have done all you can!!!!

Yeah, the cage is just an analogy from "Love Must Be Tough".

Yes, it may be the break that SHE's finally looking for, but life without the wife is fairly appealing at this point! It marks the real new beginning for me without a person there that has always criticized, judged, acted two-faced, was selfish most of the time, etc.

If she turns around and tries to come back, it will take me a long time to make a decision at this point.

She would have to engage in a Plan A for herself before I would just welcome her back. Changes have to happen... BIG ONES!

We'll see. Not counting on anything.

Walt,

I agree completely with you. I told you never to threaten a D before but to agree to one or present it as a good option are different..

After our last big blow up I just didn't want to be with my FWW anymore. I felt everything you did. You missed hypocritical which was a big one for me and my FWW.

So I sat there for a few days, just thinking, which wasn't normal. I just kept trying to save the M. Then she asked me why I have been so distant. Geez 3 years of BS I should have done like forrest gump and just started running. LOL.

She asked me what I thought we should do. I said MC or D. She said MC. I said I wasn't sure yet. D looked fairly appealing to me as well.

I am still here though. I am trying. I know you are too. The one thing I will say though Big changes will probably not occur. All I am hoping for at this point is some little ones that over time eqaul a lot of big ones.

I think you will be ok no matter what. Good luck

Thanks. There would have to be serious, noticeable effort for me to even consider reconciliation at this point. I don't want to invest possibly YEARS of effort for her to have her eye wandering and me wondering all the time.

Yes, I'll be fine no matter what. Funny thing is, i'm starting to realize that I'll be BETTER than fine without her! I'm worth much more than what she's giving me.

Her lose.

Good. You have reached the most important conclusion you could make.


That will help you in your journey.

There is another poster named Roguex who is struggling with this right now.

And you are right it will be her loss. There are very few people willing to do what you have done for her. There are very few people that would want to keep trying. You are one and that is a big loss to her.

Unfortunately, I'm stuck for a while because we have to sell our second home. It will be much easier than trying to do it under D conditions...

Either way, I'm ok. We're just living there, nothing more right now. This release will make things much easier and more pleasant around the house, that's for sure.

Interesting...

This whole thing just sucks. I'm always saddened when I spend time with my son. My daughter's attitude is impressive to say the least. My son has no clue and is going to be blind-sided by this when it gets dumped on him.

That moment will bring me to my knees in sorrow... but I will get past it.

The wife is ready to go with proceeding with a D.

I spoke with her mother to keep her posted (they're disgusted) and she said that she won't even tell me what she would have done by now...

I feel sorry for them.

I'm trying to be the voice of reason through all this and wait until we're at least under contract with the second home before filing... but she's in a BIG hurry.

I'm amazed at her coldness through all this. She says she's not calling her parents because they'll just talk to her about not doing it. Funny how we surround ourselves with people who tell us what we want to hear.

Walt,

I am sorry to hear about this.

The children are the toughest part. IMVHO.

Remember when you are on your knees to hug your son and love him because he will feel the same.

It is hard to imagine but you will be ok and so will your children. I know what the statistics say about children and D but I have never seen a stat on kids that live in a loveless home. I mean you hear about abuse etc but where two parents are completely indifferent to each other.

Depending on where you live you have plenty of time to get your ducks in a row. In most states there is a mandatory waiting period. In CA it is 6 months. Some states it is a year.

Remember to be your childrens beacon of hope. Remember not to talk poorly about their mother.(kids have big ears) I don't even talk about it at home with my mom. I wait until they are not even around. Remember they will need more love from you. Remember they need a rock. That needs to be you.

A little confession for you. Many a days I wish my FWW did what yours is doing. My beliefs are what is keeping me in this M. I think if my FWW went down and filed it would almost be a relief.

I am just unable to bring myself to it. I don't want to put my kids through that. I sit down somedays and look at a calendar just waiting until the kids are older. What would be the right age?

I realize that over the last three years the big fights we had were because I wanted her to D me. I was mean to her because I wanted her to do what I couldn't bring myself to do.

If your W is done and she refuses to work on it she may be doing the best thing for you. I know that sounds crazy but in all reality we can huff and puff about how we are going to put our foot down but the love we have is so strong we just want to wait to see that glimmer of hope. So our families aren't ripped apart.

But as you said you Know you will be great without her.

That is the most important thing is to stay strong realize all the good things about yourself.

Good luck.

Curious what some veterans of the board might say... is this part of the process? Is this a stage to possible recovery? I hate to admit I still have hope, but I really have lost sight of what I'm trying to salvage at this point.

No remorse.
No desire to make it work.
No feelings at all.
She's fine with leaving the house and not being a daily part of her children's lives.
My daughter is actually looking forward to the divorce.

Maybe I should just listen to the non-MBers and let it just end... Yes, a part of me is still hanging on... I have no idea why.

Because you love her.


I think this is normal for where you are right now.

For one second step back and think about her side in this. I know it is hard and it sucks.

Right now in her heart she probably believes that if you had an A there would be nothing you could ever do to make things right. She might think that no matter what you did after the fact she would always resent you. She might believe there is no way to get that scarlet letter off of her chest. She might think the best easiest way is to just end it.

Why bother trying when I KNOW there is nothing I could ever do to make it right.

I wouldn't give up hope but I would make sure I have my ducks in a row legally.

Sometimes going through the process and realizing everything you have to lose changes your perspective.

Well, once again, her parents are providing her with a soft place to fall. She spoke with them today and they're willing to help her out financially for her to get on her feet. She needs a dose of tough love really... but they're always there to catch her when she's falling. I guess I'd do the same for my kid, but at the same time, use that leverage to point her in the RIGHT direction!!! Or at least a better one.

My problem I guess comes when I think about the impact on the kids... I really have a hard time keeping it together when I think of the hurt that my son is going to feel. I'm getting choked up right now just typing this. I have a very big soft spot for my kids and would do NOTHING to ever hurt them. It hurts me that my wife puts herself ahead of even them with this. I can't imagine not seeing them every day, but I guess she can. She's talked herself into feeling "good" about "shared parenting"... isn't that what it's always supposed to be???

I hate this... I truly hate this. I'm more depressed than I've ever been in my entire life. The emotional roller coaster is making me sick. I know I'm coming off as begging, etc. when I talk to her, but its the kids that make it hurt so bad. If it were just her, it would be so much easier... I know that time would heal the wounds, but it's not just her. It's alot of people at this point.

I'm sitting her considering separation... does Harley have any thoughts on separation? At dinner a couple weeks ago, she mentioned that she thought that would be a good way to try and salvage this marriage. Go on some dates, etc. But her mood changes almost as much as mine! I wonder if she's even into trying that at this point.

Yes, I'm coming off as pathetic... It's not easy when you feel like so much is at stake.

Sorry about this... I'm just in a bad place. I was doing so well!!!

Read up on plan B. Ask others to help you with this.

When I say dating, I mean each other... not others outside the marriage. She said at one outing how she thought that might be a way of starting over and getting to know each other over again. I resisted since the beginning.

I feel like she's past that at this point.

Not sure...

Walt I understand what she wants and it isn't a good idea. Change your thread name to need help with plan B or something like that.

It may be past the point for plan A and that is why there is a plan B.

I don't know all of what you should do. Temp insanity has a thread going you might want to jump on.

I'm done.

Walt,

With?