I'm giving up. I will move to Plan B, but how do you do Plan B when you have to live together?

I had the same sitch it was recommended I do a 180 instead. Hang out for a while and lets see what others say.

Don't say or do anything with the W yet.

*Bump*

Walt I haven't read your whole thread but it will be extremely difficult to do an in-house Plan B. In order for Plan B to be effective you need to remove yourself completely from your all the chaos. Plan B is about preserving the remaining love you have for your WW and it will be EXTREMELY difficult to do that with her living in the same house.

Steve Harley will usually recommend a seperation when you energy level is critically low. At that point you begin to LB'st and make things worse. IT sounds like you might be there.

Listen, I heard most of the things your WW is telling you and have experience months of coldness and distance from her. It gets better in Plan B...it really does so you need to try and get there without doing more damage.

Will you sell the house in a LSA or can you buy her out.

Hang in there, it gets better, I promise!

Walt:

I do not like the course that you sitch has taken in the past three days. You have hit a wall with this and now you want to throw in the towel. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Suggestion:

Let her move to her parents, and do a complete Plan B. Let her suffer the consequences of her decision.

She is cake eating, and not truly suffering for her decisions. Pull the support systems and watch what happens. If her parents want to support her, then let them support her. You will find out that most parents will not support thier children having an affair.

Either that, or suck it up and continue doing a Plan A that is real. Make sure your alternative to the OM is you, your kids and a stable life.

So MB'er's What do you think?

Should WaltW Plan B? single choice
	Yes
	No
Votes accepted starting: 10/11/06 05:22 PM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

Walt,

This is the rollercoaster all talk about. Time and patience my man. If she leaves and allows you to have the kids, count yourself blessed. If she decides to stay and work on the marriage...count yourself blessed.

Of all of the people in this mess you are going to come out the best. Your children will come out of this next best and your W will lose. Your daughter has accepted the possibility that the marriage is over. Your son will have to face it, but with your strong guidance, your daughters help, and I am sure the help of the family your son will pull through this. Have confidence in that boy, and support him, he will need your strength and heart when and if the time comes.

Time and patience Walt and "this too shall pass."

God Bless,

JL

Walt,

I did three years of Plan A, oh my it is exhausting and devastating. The roller coaster is fun when you are a kid, when it is your heart and the WS is driving the roller coaster over it, it is something different. I had to do a Plan B in the house. It is not easy. I do not have the means to move out and he at that point wouldn't. If she will go to her 'rents, then let her go and plan B her. If she doesn't then you do a 180+, which is the nearest to a plan B "in house".

If you decide to do the 180+ version of plan B, I will help you. It did turn my WH around and he is also P/A, so that was a complicating factor. Many WS are P/A n the way they act, so some of our (those with P/A spouses) will also help.

Hang on tight and ride that coaster. Let her make the next move, or not, and then make your decision as to how to proceed.

Linda

Thanks for your posts. I'd love to hear more about 180+. I feel like I've truly benefitted from the Plan A and 180 approach, but she's still moving forward with things and getting the "moral" support she wants for it.

Funny thing... I was talking to my Dad. He's not an internet guy and not a big fan of counselors, etc. But he said to stop trying so hard and you'll be surprised how she reacts.

I thought that was pretty funny. My dad's a good man.

Anyway, I'm open to hearing about a Plan B, but will be contacting an attorney for a consultation where I'll discuss everything, versus just discussing things over the phone. I've put that meeting off for too long.

Thanks alot for your kindness and concern.

You dad is a wise man! Now that I'm in Plan B I can understnad what he means by that. Sometimes when we try too hard it comes across as needy and that is an unattractive quality.

HTW, so how is your Plan B going for both you and your situation?

I'm doing fine and thanks for asking. As JL said above "TIME & PATIENCE" is a must when dealing wiht this. The problems in your self and marriage weren't created overnight and they won't be solved overnight.

Throw out the calender, impliment MB principles, create a plan and stick to it.

Things will get slowly get better, but they will most likely get worst. This is a marathon not a race.

Thanks. What I mean is, what are your WS's reactions like these days? Is her back? Is he still away? Have either of you filed?

Maybe I'll just go to your story...

Walt,

I tried finding one of my old threads that would have helped but I can't find it.

It was about doing a plan b while living together. The 180 advice was on that.

Anyway it looks like you are getting some good advice. I do agree your father is a smart man.

I did the 180 for a while and it did have some good results.

Good luck. Get those ducks in a row it won't hurt.

Looking forward to reading about it. Does anyone have a thread or source?

thanks...

Heres the 180
CAUTION....this is not Marriage Builders Advice.

Michelle Weiner Davis….Divorce Busters
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.



JS

So does 180+ mean to do this ad nauseum?

Just got off the phone with the wife. She asked if I'm going to see an attorney. I said yes, tomorrow night.

She got all nervous about child custody and child support. She kept saying how "everyone" (yeah, she's talking to EVERYONE about it) tells her that she should be at home with the kids and I should move out, etc. I reminded her how her relationship with our daughter is so damaged and making me leave the house would make it so much worse. I reminded her that she keeps saying "what's best for the kids". She uses that when it's convenient for her. She also said "maybe I took my aggression out on her because I wasn't happy with you"... yet another blame on someone else for her actions.

Without losing it, I reminded her that I have a plan to buy out the house.

She's SO PISSED that I'm staying in the house with the kids. She's the BIGGEST cake eater I've ever known.

She said that why don't we dissolve our retirement accounts to pay for the costs to sell the house and break even. I told her that we'd have no money for a downpayment on anything else and we'd both be flat broke... again, I said "do you think that's in the best interest of the kids? To live in an apartment out of their town, to switch schools, to have no back yard to enjoy, to take them away from their friends?"

I think I finally understand reverse babble. It's great.

Not much cake left... better get a piece while there's some left...

Walt,

I think there are timelines that you need to decide on.

The idea behind this is for you to change. All of the steps in the 180 are about you.

You may sit down and say I can do this for x amount of time and that is it without seeing some progress.

Like your plan A I am sure you could have kept doing it for longer but the FWW made you change course.

So when you make that course change think realistically to your self how long can I do this without seeing any progress then tack a little more time onto the end of that.

Good luck.

How's the diet going????

I've been the same weight now for a couple weeks really. That's ok though. I dropped alot in a short period and holding steady is feeling good right now.

I want to do another 7 pounds before months end.

I FEEL like I'm in Plan B. But it's too effortless to be a plan. She wants to move quickly on getting something in writing about our finances, etc. even if we can't do the D right away.

That's fine with me. Until the final stamp, it's Plan B time for me along with the 180, which isn't much of a 180 at this point.

I love the fact that she's going to have to watch me maintain "my house" for the future... when the contractor comes to take a look at the basement and come up with an estimate. That's gonna sting her. Not wanting to sting her, just wanting her to say "what the F am I doing?"

Walt,

During this time it is about you as well.

How can you better yourself? What can you do to protect yourself in future relationships? (even if your future relationship is the FWW).

Living well is what you are striving for, with or without her. Hopefully she will see the light and realize that.