Good for your Walt. Be careful, the wayward can get hit with the sting of reality and for a moment show a more sensitive and caring side only to return to the wayward beast once the next "hit" (ie - addiction to OM) is taken. I saw this with my EX WW.

You are doing great and your are correct in that we cannot save people from themselves, they have to do that on their own.

Walt...read the first 5 pages of your sit. and then the last 5 pages...I think our WW could be sisters...my situation is almost exactly the same...it is frightening. All the things they say...the lies...the manipulations...the rewriting history...it is so classic.

I moved mine out at the end of Oct...it is just sad...I am preceding towards a divorce...I would just like to wish you good luck and I respect the way you are handling things. You are not alone and I really applaud your strength.

and...damn bro...you did lose a lot of weight and look great...quite a difference...you should be very proud of yourself...I think a far better 2007 is in store for you.

Walt,

Do not misunderstand me. I am not trying to change your mind.

I think "in the current state" your decesion is a very reasonable decesion to make.

If your WW decides to keep going down the same road you must keep going down the road you are going.

Your mind sounds much clearer and I think you are doing wonderfully.

You are also correct that only she can change herself.

If she is unwilling to do so then it is her loss.

I wish you all the luck and I too think you are handling this sitch very well.

Well, actually had somewhat of a normal conversation with the wife yesterday. I know it won't matter or last. She's disappointed me, our children, her family, my family, my friends, our mutual friends, etc. and I really don't see much hope for her anymore.

She did tell me she's going to therapy on her own. I advised her that if she goes, to do herself a favor and try something new... BE COMPLETELY HONEST!!! Something she didn't do in our marriage counseling sessions. I said this to her, she didn't deny it.

Funniest thing was when she said that I had a close relationship with my son (my outstanding relationship with my daughter is not even a topic of discussion anymore... just a "given".) She said "well, he sleeps with you almost every night. (because she's been sleeping in his bed) If he slept with me, I'd probably be close to him too." I just sighed and asked "why do you do that all the time?" I then told her that the reason I'm close with our son is because I play video games with him, take him fishing, coach his basketball team, take walks in the woods, talk to him before bed, read with him, pray with him, LISTEN to him, watch his favorite TV shows with him... put my heart and soul into loving my children... THAT is why I'm close with them."

She finally conceded and simply said "You're right, you do."

I then went on to re-affirm to her that I have no interest in saving our marriage. It's over. But told her she's got ALOT of work to do with the kids, daughter in particular.

I told her (again) that saying doesn't mean a dam thing. If you say one thing one day because you're feeling all warm and cozy, then don't follow it up with actions, it doesn't really matter what you said in the first place.

I got exhausted just talking to her. It's like trying to teach a child how to treat other people. I know it won't matter in the long run. Funny... I used to go through this process when married and would HOPE that she meant it "this time"... Now, I'm just so done and she's let us down so much that we've all just grown apart.

She needs help... she knows it. I doubt she has the ability or stamina to actually work on her true issues.

Life keeps getting better every day. We may have an interested party on the second home!!! Please... if you have a chance, pray that someone loves the place as much as I did and gives us an offer... ANY OFFER!!!

Peace...

Just got a call from my attorney's secretary. Looks like the settlement agreement will be done today for presentation to my wife and her attorney.

The wife has started packing stuff... kinda nice to see the progress.

I have all my debt in my name, she's almost got it done in her name.

Hopefully, the people looking at our second home will make a reasonable offer and that can get moving.

She's going to spin off her cell phone soon and we're going to start saving money in our own accounts (equally while she's living with us).

So far, so good. I refuse to let it get into a p*ssing contest, but can't really control her if she decides to lose it. Her attorney seems like an experienced, reasonable guy, which is very good.

Every day feels better and better... 2007 is going to be a great year in my life.

Walt,

It seems as if things are progressing as you now desire. You have done a good job, and you gave this every chance. Hopefully, the end of this marriage will come peacefully and your children will not be harmed much more.

I do think 2007 will be a good year for you and your children. I am not sure it will be for your W.

God Bless,

JL

Walt,

I wish you the best.

I can say this from the changes both physically and mentally you have made it will be a better year.

I think that you are doing what is best for you. I know that in the beginning you wanted to save the m but it takes two and I guess the FWW didn't want to be a part of it.

Good luck with the house.

frognomore, I do occassional reflecting on the past 6 months. Yes, in a state of panic in the beginning, I DESPARATELY wanted the M to work.

After much soul searching, thinking, and stepping back, I'm truly happy with the final result of divorce. The reason is, my wife is really messed up and has been for a long time. My acceptance of her rediculous behaviors and that of some of her enabling close relatives is now mostly in my past. The truly healthy feeling that I have now is something completely new to me. I haven't been single for over 15 years of my life and I'm only 35!!!

Yes, losing alot of money over a second home annoys the living heck out of me, but I'm learning to put that behind me and realize that there are some things I'm just not going to change.

The wife is going out today to look at places to live. She tries joking around with me on occassion and asking advice, etc. I just bite my tongue, give her the minor recognition that will get her to go away, then go make myself busy so that I'm not sucked into the black hole that her soul has evolved into. (Just keeps pulling things in without returning anything.)

I'm at work now trying to catch up on the things I fell behind on over the last several months. I started hanging out with a variety of people when given the opportunity and have to say I'm really enjoying it.

I have been approached about being "set up" with people for dates, etc. One word: NOT INTERESTED! Not bitter by a long shot, but just need some Walt time right now.

Life's good... and getting better.

Will update the end of my saga soon. I would also like to re-cap and offer some other ideas on how my story ends...

Thanks again.

Just dropping in to say that I'm having a great day. I feel more emotional distance being created with my STBXW every day.

Spent alot of time organizing my office today to catch up on what I fell behind on the last several months.

Also spoke to someone about a "cleansing" program to improve my health even further. (NO... not a colon cleansing... yuk!)

Being organize helps me feel in control and calm.

I've got a busy month coming up at work. Priorities are definately changing and I hope to keep this positive wave moving. The D should be over sometime within the next couple months.

I'll post more as it comes... please continue to keep me and my family in your prayers. They ARE being heard!!!

Walt, this is a difficult time I know as I have been there. Just be assured that things will improve once she leaves and you are removed from her madness.

My WW had been pacing her stuff in boxes and leaving them around the house for months. It was an awful time for me...like someone was slowly taking away my life.

Once she left, I made the house mine and it has never looked better. It does get better and when she is gone you get to live your life for YOU.

You are much stronger than when you first posted and you strength will continue to grow as you realize you don't need your WW and that you maintained a strong fight for your M.

Remember, it is only over when YOU say it is...you will have the power soon.

Actually, it's not hard... just really freakin' annoying. She called me today to ask something about our mortgage and how it will work with regard to our settlement. Then she called and asked about the balance in the kid's education funds and how that will work.

I PREPARED A 55 PAGE DOCUMENT WITH ALL THE INFORMATION YOU COULD WANT REGARDING OUR CONVERSATIONS. I asked her if she read ANY of what I prepared. She just laughed. She clearly has not read the document. All the info she asked about is in it. She is eternally childish and expects everything to be brought to her and done for her.

If I were her, I'd know that document inside and out.

It's easy for me to tell her, but she seems to get confused and asks the same questions over and over. I answer, just to make her go away.

She's going to counseling today. I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall and listen to the drivel pouring out of her. Therapy is truly a waste of time if one isn't ready to be honest. I KNOW she's just looking for another feel-good, you're-not-a-bad-person response based on her version of reality.

So annoying. The interested party that's looking at our second home has requested additional documents to review before making an offer. Please continue to pray for this... it's the last big hurdle to the end of this nightmare.

Oh, and HTW, she is not slowly taking my life... she's slowly giving it back to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The wife called me this morning on the way home from work. She left me a mundane message, meaning she wanted me to call her back about something else. (I can still read her a little bit!)

She came home as I was leaving and said "the word is you've been spreading that I'm a total wh*re and a nympho." I told her that I wasn't spreading anything. However, I have talked to friends and family about all the events. I'm sure they talked to some people, etc. We live in a small town that's also my home town. I know ALOT of people.

The reason I bring this up is to show her line of thinking is still similar. She truly expects to be protected from the consequences of her actions.

I just shrugged it off. I didn't get any satisfaction out of it, just sad to witness an adult acting like this.

Hope you all have a great day! Thanks again for reading...

Walt

You handled this sooooo well! It would have been tempting to say "well if the shoe fits or if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it may be a duck". Would not have accomplished anything except give her ten minutes of satisfaction to justify why she's gone. My EX WW does this now and I fell for it a few times, letting her have the TRUTH with a capital T and in no uncertain terms. It was strange though, it was almost like a child wanting discipline from their parent, knowing they had done something wrong, not accepting that it was their fault but still wanting someone to discipline them. Strange!

Well, I am not her parent or her friend unfortunately and I don't do it anymore. If she goes off (like your STBXWW) I do like you simply let there be dead silence. I have stated the boundary or answered the questions and that's it for me, no LB, DJ, disciplining, etc. This is on her and I will not be party to helping her justify her actions in the disaster for our family. She will have to live with this forever and deal with the consequences on her own without my help. She is no longer entitled to it.

One last thing, there is a little saying that friends and I use probably too often but it has a lot of meaning and that is "It is what it is". Seems to really confuse a wayward.

Hang in there my friend.

Great reply... you seem to understand where I am with this.

I got a call from our realtor for our second home. The prospective buyers have contacted an attorney. Looks like an offer may be on its way soon. Anything reasonable will be accepted.

That weight off my shoulders will be such a relief.

Plus... I've got more "after" photos coming soon. The tranformation continues...

Walt,

Great news on all fronts.

I was posting to someone else and thought it applied to you as well.

You are an example IMVHO about what this site it about. Trying to save your M but not at all costs. Especially if it is costing the BS too much.

I think having a plan and a time frame for that plan makes sense. I think you did that.

I also believe that every BS has the right to a D even if the WS/FWS is repentent and remorseful. Nobody says we have to forgive or move on within the M. I think if a WS/FWS isn't then there is a point to do what you are doing.

I applaud you for your efforts and it is nice to see the positive effect your decesion is having on you.

My realtor called to tell me that they're writing up an offer today. PLEASE PRAY!!!

Plus, the wife spun off her cell phone...

One step at a time.

We have some cosmetic dental work to the done for our daughter. The wife brought up trying to save for this before separating. Interesting...

This weekend I'll be working on the settlement agreement. My attorney sent me a draft. I've got some changes, then its off to her and her attorney for their tweaking.

Debt is all tranferred and done with.

Keeping my head about me as the wife comes out with more incredibly immature stuff. Today, she called to say her phone is being spun off and told me about her decision on the plan she got, then said that she got a credit card in the mail and said "should I keep it? What do you think I should do? I don't want to be tempted to use it. What do you think I should do?" I told her that its really her decision. She then said, "but what do you think I should do?"

I mean, it's a $2,000 credit card. My God... even these decisions she still wants made for her.

I continue to find entertainment and frustration with this behavior, and I wonder if a true breakdown could be in her future.

Just some observations... thanks for reading.

Hi Walt- I've been following along- glad things are going well and glad that second home has an offer, that must be a big relief!

I have to say I feel sorry for your wife. I'm a FWW, but not narcissistic (I don't think <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, but maybe I wouldnt' know...lol...) But I think she's headed for a fall once your support goes, even though at this point it isn't a lot of support.

I would just say to please be kind, you do have children together and even though it sounds like those relationships aren't that great, still...

Not that you have to babysit, as you say, or be anything but a good dad to your children, and as an extension a respectful ex-husband.

She's going to have a lot of trouble dealing with the consequences of her actions, even though they're 100% of her making.

Even though I feel sorry for her, you reap what you sow. It's like watching the girl in the horror movie open the door, when you know she's going to get chainsawed- and you hope she doesnt' open it but she does, and what does she get?? Chainsawed!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

FWIW.

I hear you, MrsRob. I've actually gone out of my way to not "react" as I hope I've indicated through my posts.

However, it's not always easy. It's like she WANTS to fight with me... maybe to feel better about leaving? Whatever... She's truly disturbed, and yes, I completely agree... she's going to have ALOT of trouble dealing with the consequences of her actions. She has NOT hit rock bottom... YET!!! She can't make even the simplest decision. My fear (for her) is her latching onto the next guy and sucking the life out of him as she has done with me and our children.

I used to feel more sorry for her, but after the complete disregard and disrespect of our family, plus time to really think about what a caring person would do at this point, I'm losing my sympathy just a little bit more every day.

Now, on the phone, she just said that she wants live together until July of this year.

Ok, then another phone call (as I'm preparing this post) to say to get a bottle of wine and some takeout and celebrate! (huh???)

I told her I wouldn't be home until later and that I really don't feel like this is cause for a big celebration.

Sometimes I can read her... sometimes I just don't get it.

I wouldnt let her back till July .. IMHO... You have gone thru alot..She has put you and your kids thru alot... Let her back in...And she will try to worm her way back but probally continue her ways...Be strong Walt. You have done alot for her to get what from her>>>>>

Walt,

I don't know about the Narcisitic stuff.

Your W sounds like a person that is not an adult or she doesn't understand the adult concept of a relationship.

In some cases this happens when abuse occurs during childhood.

To me while reading your thread for all this time I see your FWW not really comprehending her actions nor the consequences for them.

Now that doesn't mean things won't change. I think my FWW was like that just not to the extreme your WW is.

The MC told me that usually after a D the person is forced to adjust and they won't be as doomed as you may think.

The reason being is they are better then we think at dealing with things, they just had someone that would do it for them. In essence they did it through proxy. They just did it the easiest way possible.